Getting My 2 Year Old to Fall Asleep

Hi S.,

it will take time to undo the sleeping habit and even longer if you perpetuate the problem. The doctor is right! And you will not be a bad mother, this is a normal life skill. She needs to learn to fall asleep by herself, no matter how long it takes.

Good luck!

Kids do need to learn to fall asleep on their own as this will stay with them forever. I'm no expert, but I've been through this with my two daughters (now 4 & 2.5). I read so many books and heard many different opinions and ultimately found the best book and technique: "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West. She also has a great website: www.thesleeplady.com. Her book is great in that you don't have to take the time (which you probably don't have) to read the whole thing - just read the first chapter and then the one that's appropriate to you now. The technique does (possibly) involve crying which is hard, but the best thing is that you are in the room with them even if they cry. I modified the technique to my comfort zone and it worked, but you have to be patient - it took maybe two weeks and she's been a great sleeper ever since then (she was about 11 months old when we did this). I felt like more of an expert the second time around and we did the sleep lady shuffle when she was around 6 or 7 months old and she, too, has also been a great sleeper since then. I recommend this book to everyone! Good luck!

Get the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley- it has great ideas in it!! Get it off Amazon for about $10 or at the library...

S. (and Emily P),

You are most certainly not a horrible mother. You want what is best for your child and your family, and you are just trying to figure out what exactly that is. There is always going to be a debate about how best to handle this. Dr. Sears vs. Dr. Ferber, and so on. My daughter is almost 2 now. But she would never go to sleep by herself when she was younger. She did great as a very young infant, but then somewhere along the way she stopped sleeping through the night, and then it got harder and harder to get her down. It was incredibly difficult for my husband and me, and it got to the point where the stress and lack of sleep was wearing on our relationship with each other as well our attitude and patience with her. I will tell you that I got to the point (after much heart ache on the subject) that I was ready to try letting her cry some, but I didn't know how much I could handle. She was about 17 or 18 months old at that point.

I recommend that you buy (or check out from the library) Dr. Ferber's book. People refer to his book as the the "cry it out" method. But he most certainly does NOT condone just letting your child cry endlessly. However, there will be some crying any time you change your child's routine. Any way, I suggest reading it. Yes, actually read it! Don't just skim the first couple of chapters. I found it very comforting. It explains the fears you and your child face and the many reasons why teaching your child to fall asleep on their own is the best thing for them, not only right now, but well into their child and adult years.

I would suggest you read it and decide whether or not you are comfortable with it. And then when (and if) you are ready, give it a try. It took us only 4 or 5 days. We went from her crying and screaming when we left the room, to a few whimpers in 3 days and we didn't even have to go in and check on her by the fourth night. Night 5, she didn't want to be put down awake, but she accepted it without any signs of distress.

My only regret was that we didn't at least try it sooner. It was even harder (those first 2 or 3 nights) on my husband than it was on me. But he would agree that it was far and away the best thing for her, as well as us. I know there are many people who disagree with the concept, I was one of them for over a year. But I will tell you that most of them have not bothered to read the book.

So I say, read the book (it's only $11.00 on Amazon, or they probably have it at the library). Then decide if it is right for your family. Believe me when I tell you that I saw absolutley no signs that my daughter suffered emotionally from the process. She was the exact same girl in every aspect, just better rested with happier parents. I hope this helps. But mostly, I just hope you find a solution that works for you, that you can feel good about!

Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New, Revised, and Expanded Edition by Richard Ferber

I think it all depends on your style of parenting. There are many people on this board who believe in attachment parenting and who discuss Dr Sears's books and advice on parenting. I do not fall into that category, so take what I say with a grain of salt as it may not mesh with your parenting style....

I do not believe cry-it-out is necessary. I don't think someone is a horrible parent if they do it, but it's just not necessary in my opinion. If you want to lay with her or do things to help her fall asleep, that's also not necessary, but you aren't a bad parent for doing that either. But obviously you are ready for a change or you wouldn't be writing to us about what to do!

You will need to experiment with what will work for YOUR child because every child is different, but here is what I recommend as the happy medium between cry-it-out and laying with her.... (I've recommended this several times on this board and had moms write to thank me because they were amazed how easy it worked)

Start some sort of ritual with her at bed time. Most bedtime rituals are not something you can just create but instead they are something that evolves. For example, I decided to sing to my son one night and he wanted me to stay and sing some more (as a stall to keep me from leaving!!) so he kept coming up with more verses of the itsy bitsy spider (like the teeny teeny spider, the big fat spider, the happy happy spider, etc.) We now have 5 verses that we sing together in the same order every night after his daddy does prayers with him. Sometimes he tries to slip in a new verse like the squishy squishy spider, but I always insist that happy happy is the last verse no matter what or I'd be there all night! Then... I hand him his blankies, cover him up, and quietly discuss what we will be doing the next day. I tell him I have to go put my PJs on and I will be right back.... The first time I did that, I really did change into my night clothes and go right back into his room--- now I go do something like check some email or do some dishes or laundry and go back in after 5-10 minutes, sometimes longer because I forget! Anyway, be sure to go back in as promised. By now, I usually don't have to go in again, but in the beginning, I would go in, lay him back down if he was sitting up, tell him he needs to get some rest for whatever it is we are doing the next day, cover him up, and tell him I'd be right back (it helps to let them know you are going to do something--- something boring they wouldn't want to go and do with you, like wash dishes or brush your teeth or whatever). Walk out and make sure they understand you WILL be back as promised. Eventually, you will either walk in and she will be very sleepy and drift off, or you will be shocked and find her actually asleep.

Here is the thing that you need to remember... this is something NEW so it will not work like a breeze the very first time you try it. It may take several nights or up to a week before it starts to become a routine and make sense to her that you WILL be back as promised and that in the meantime, she is JUST FINE by herself while she waits for you to return, and eventually feels comfortable and sleepy enough to drift off on her own. If you need to leave the room and come back every couple of minutes over and over and over and over and over again for a few nights and it seems like it's taking forever, remind yourself that before you tried this technique you were having to lay motionless on the floor with her for just as long or longer, thinking of all the things you could be doing, accomplishing nothing, and not teaching her to be OK drifting off alone. You can do this!!!

As for the mom who thinks it's wrong to train our children like dogs, sorry she feels that way. I think we are letting our kids down if we do not teach them things that will help them become less dependent on us. I am not teaching my kids to fetch or bark on command... but I do train them to say please and thank you, to be confident sleeping on their own, and tons of other age appropriate things that don't come naturally but I think are important for their well being and to help them become well mannered and independent children.

S.,
I agree with your Pediatrician. She is 2 & will be alright if you let her cry. I swear you will do this & wonder why you didnt do it sooner. It will be hard for the first few nights. But once she realizes that she needs to go to sleep, she will do it.
If she were younger, I would not say to do this. But she is 2 & you will be so much happier with bedtime once you do it. Remember, each time you "give in" & go into her room, you are starting over. Good luck & stay strong.
H.

No! You are not a horrible mother!! Just the fact that you care enough to ask that question proves it. I had to use the "cry it out method" with my son, and it worked wonders. It took about 3 or 4 nights before he got the hint, but now he is more well-rested and happier overall. He even plays in his crib for a little bit sometimes, if he's not tired yet, and then just lies down and goes to sleep when he's good and ready. The key is consistency and routine, and it sounds like you have a routine already, so that's great! Good luck!
P.S. Your best bet is to find a spot in the house where you can't hear the crying. You can go and listen in by the door every 15 minutes or so if you need to, but you'll drive yourself crazy if you sit and just listen to her cry. It really is good for her, believe it or not! A book that helped me was "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth, MD.

There are two ways that I am aware of that have worked (I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones that I know work).

Cry it out - which I think your doctor was leaning towards. I personally used this method on my two children. It was very hard the first time. My son was 9 months old and eating like a newborn in the middle of the night. I had to work the next day exhausted. One night I said I couldn't take it and believed what he was doing wasn't suppose to happen. Babies should be sleeping - maybe not all the way through, but not waking up every other hour wanting to eat at nine months old. He went to bed that night and cried. I'm not going to tell you it was easy. He cried for 45 minutes before going to sleep and did it the next night too. BUT - after that, he slept on his own. I don't have a stone-heart... I love my son (and now daughter) more than anything. I believed this was the right thing to do. They do not have attachment issues, separation anxiety and they didn't starve. Both went through this and both are happy, healthy kids.

Dr. Ferber - He created a similar method to CIO. You'll have to look up or read specifics. But my friend used this and she believes wholeheartly on this method.

Good luck!

thanks for the question! i am in the same boat. lol. i am spending every nap time and bed time struggling with my almost 2 year old to go to bed. i'm going to try the method mentioned a couple times on here where you check on them every ten minutes. my problem is i'm going from her sleeping WITH me to her own bed. wish me luck!

The pediatrican is goofy.
Has her diet changed recently? Any sugar?
Make sure she has all the b vits she needs, cal and mag, and she should sleep well.
Sounds as if her nutrition is off.
best of luck-k

S., Unfortunately you have set yourself up for several nights of crying. Your doctor is right. Children need to learn to self-pacify and the sooner they do this the better it is for both mother and child. It may take weeks but be strong. You are not a horrible mother for letting her cry. Here is a link to a post I wrote called Bedtime Bliss http://themommaven.com/2009/05/tips-for-bedtime-bliss/

Your ped is right. Your baby needs to learn to fall asleep on her own and you need to teach this to her. No, you are not a horrible mother for having to teach this to your child (I've been there, I'm sure many others have been too). First of all, once you lay her down, assuming she is awake, you tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, turn on a night light perhaps, and maybe a toy that plays music. Tell your daughter it's time to go to sleep and that you (Mommy) needs to go to sleep too. Tell her that you are going to go to your room now to go to sleep. Some babies do not like the door to their room closed, so try not closing it at first. Just walk out of the room and have her think you are really going to your bed. If she begins to call out for you, ignore her calls. If she calls out louder, continue to ignore her. IF she cries and it's more than a whimper cry, wait a few moments, then respond to her cries. Tell her it's "night-night time" and that she woke you up. Explain that she must go to sleep now. Give her a stuffed animal and tell her goodnight...again. Ignore the yells for you but respond to the cries, but not immediately. She should get the message. If her cry is a whiney cry, ignore but respond to a "real" cry. I'm sure by now you know the difference. : )) The idea is to ignore the behavior that is getting you sucked into sitting with her until she falls asleep. After a while, you should be able to ignore her altogether and she should fall asleep out of boredom. And, what I would do is wait longer each time you go to her room and most important, do NOT discuss anything else other than it's night time and that she must go sleep. Any other "conversation" with a 2 year old is most certainly a tactic she is using to get her way (a.k.a: MANIPULATION). Good luck as it may take time but be patient!

I don't have the problem of my son not going to sleep without me. However, lately he has been in his crib playing for up to like 45min before he falls asleep. I think maybe it's a phase (he just turned 2yr old). He used to go right to sleep and still does sometimes, but for like the past week or so he takes longer to fall asleep at bedtime (not naptime though).
Anyway, I'm thinking she's probably going through a phase and will get past it. Sorry I can't help you with the other problem. We never had the bedtime problem, but we let him cry it out around 6mo old when he was only waking up once. He'd cry about 15min max usually, then go to sleep. Good luck and hopefully some others have advice for you!

It's called the "Cry it Out" method, and it does work, very well. I did it with my son when he was about 8 mos old, because I didn't want to try doing it once he was in a bed, and could just get up on his own. It took about 3 nights, and now he does so awesome on his own. He has milk before bed, then we just lay him in his crib & walk out. The first few nights were rough...he cried for 45 mins straight the first night, about 15 min the second night, and maybe 5-10 the third. After that, he was fine. And it is SO HARD to listen to your baby cry, but you just have to be strong & know you're doing the right thing. Some people will go in at intervals to soothe the baby (but don't pick them up), like every 5 min or so. I did not do that, because I know my son & it would have just made it that much harder on him...like teasing him. Naptime & bedtime are so easy for us now, I would do it over again in a heartbeat. GL!

I let both my babies "cry it out" when they were little.

Daughter was a self-comforter as a baby, so long as she had a "snuggly" which was any soft fabric (a new cloth diaper, a receiving blanket, and, in a pinch, a flannel shirt) which she would take the corner of and use to stroke her own cheek and ear into Sleepyville.

Son, as a baby, liked to sit in his bed with books all around him, and he'd fall asleep "reading" them.

Later (really, not MUCH later) I flipped the coin
by instilling my favorite part of Mommyhood: tuck-ins.

For us, tuck-ins were often an hour for each child (I had two). I'd snuggle with them, one at a time, in bed, read to them and sing them calming songs (though I have a friend who does bedtime bongos with her kids!). Some phases included doing energy work with their chakras, and massage. Almost always, I would gently scratch their backs/arms at the end of the time, and stroke their hair too. An hour a child may seem like alot, but as they grew, I came to cherish those times with such sweetness! They were worth every minute. (now they are 22 and 16)

Calming music can benefit them too, as they drift to sleep,
but my kids enjoyed the rural sounds of where we lived back then...

First of all, you posted here and you are worried so you could NEVER be a horrible mother! I too do not agree with CIO and have never done it with my two kids. Bed time was a really tough time between age 2-3. A lot of times I talk to my son first and tell him, "you will be "insert age here" and so you will need to start doing "whatever you need them to do". This has really worked for me. It is almost like there is some universal age rule and he just has to accept it. She is a little young for that though. We read, turn out the lights and cuddle for a while in a chair next to his bed. I have found laying down with them to be a very BAD idea. If I did that, he would never let me leave! Then when he is drowsy, I tell him it is time to lay down and he goes. When we first started him, I would tell him that I would make the light brighter for him. I would close his door and then open the bathroom door in the hall that has a night light. That way he could see the light from under his door but we didn't have to put one in his room. He also has an Ariel night light I got at Borders in the clearance book section. It is a box night light that came with a book, they still have it. I let him fall asleep with Ariel and I would go in and shut it off after he was asleep. Getting him to sleep on his own really wasn't the difficult part. After he was in his bed for a few months, bed time became a huge struggle just keeping him in his room! That passed with age, everything does. I don't think they need to be trained, I think age matures them and fixes almost anything! If you do choose to CIO, you still aren't a horrible mother, so don't worry about that! Our big battle was brushing his teeth, still is. We had been brushing with water from age 2-4. Then we said "you will be 4 and you have to use toothpaste now" He hated it but since it wasn't "our rule" he accepted it. Thank you universe!

Hi S.,

I have a full of energy 10 month old boy. His crib was in our bedroom since he was born and just about 40 days ago we put him to sleep in his room. The transition was not easy as we also rocked him to sleep for both naps and for night awakenings. The only time he would go to sleep by himself was during bedtime (which since he was about 2.5 months old started with the same routine every evening). I read A LOT about the subject as I was desperate to help him to learn how to self sooth and fall asleep. Just about 10 days ago he started sleeping through the night (with a dreamfeed around 10-11 pm).
I purchased one book that was really helpful called Sleepeasy that may also suit you since your baby is 2 years old) http://www.amazon.com/Sleepeasy-Solution-Exhausted-Parent.... They even have a website full of resources http://www.sleepyplanet.com/
I am not trying to sell you the book but believe me, I read quite a lot of forums, articles and other things but as my husband and I are not fans of the cry it out method (CIO) (suggested by most pediatricians), this book helped us to do it with the minimum amount of crying and less stress on all of us.
I am not going to lie to you: your baby will cry, the beginning will be tough... However you won't be a horrible mother if she cries. Remember she has a comfort zone level now and any change to it will cause her to be upset and lead to crying. Our baby cried a lot in the beginning but the amount of crying was decreasing daily. Around 2 weeks after we started he was no longer crying hard and eventually would fall asleep on his own. Eventually to this day he still cries but it is for 2-5 minutes or so.
The most important thing is to design a plan according to the book instructions (or any method of sleep training you choose to do) and stick with it, consistency is the key. During our period sleep training our baby I dropped middle of the night feedings, dealt with teething, he learned how to stand and other milestones and even then we could do it and succeeded. I am sure you can do it too! Good luck!!

S.~

Yes I agree with the fact that you are going to get alot of advice on this one... ;0)

I look at it this way...everyone needs to learn things like how to fall asleep, eat with utensils or use the potty. I never thought of it as we are training out kids the way we train our pets...but that is a good point!! I would love for my child to be as well behaved as my dog!!...lol no but really at some point we have to teach them and the sooner the better this is a life skill...one of the earliest things our babies learn from us! Please do not worry about hurting your child...I'm sure you want your child to grow into a strong, confident, reliable person who is responsible for their own actions. If we teach them these skills they will be confident in the fact once they go to sleep you will return. I know how hard it is to walk out of the room but you too need to know you will return soon enough. I did the baby wise method when my son was only 7 weeks old. After 3 nights my son was sleeping 5-6 hours straight. I suggest you put you child in their crib awake but sleepy, kisses then tell them good night and close the door. After 3-5 mins of crying go back in dont pick her up just lay her back down and explain it is now time for her to put her self to sleep...and walk out again. after 6-8 mins go back in and repeat...once you last 10 mins outside just keep going back in in about 10 more minutes till your child is asleep. I promise this will only happen for a few nights...Kids learn sooooo quick at this age!

Best of luck!!

M.

Up until 6 months ago I have always had a hard time getting my daughter to go to sleep. Crying it out did not work. She would cry for 1 1/2 hours, & cry so hard she would vomit. She would go to sleep by herself for a while before we got rid of her crib. Once she graduated to her "big girl bed" it started all over again.

I did the gradual method. I would have her lay in the be, initinally sitting or laying on her bed til she went to sleep. After several day/weeks, I would sit in a chair. eventually I was able to shut the light off, & leave the room. But I would leave the door open until she is asleep, then shut the door. We still have the baby monitor in her room. No she is tall enough to open her door & our bed room door. So now when she wakes up, she comes into our room instead instead of calling for me. I still ocassionally have to sleep in her room 1/2 of the night. Last night was a good example.

Is this set up ideal? No, but it works for us & that is all that matters.

I really feel for you, as I have a 20 months old that I have
to nurse to sleep every night. at the same time I do not think they are developmentally ready to fall asleep on their own yet, unless trained. I believe it is wrong to do that to childrent, to train them like pets to make them more convenient... At the expence of their mental health and trust for their own parents. There are a lot of studies on the harm CIO causes. You will get a lot of different responces here, but I say just follow your heart and your mother's instinct. If you do not feel right to leave hour child to cry themselves to sleep at night, do not do it. If you are fine with it- it will make your life easier.
There is a great book by Dr Sears, called the Sleep Book. please read it before you do anything. He talks about a lot of great gentle ways to help
them go to sleep on their own/faster.

I know how you feel about letting her scream in the crib. I hated doing this but in the end it is for your own good. My daughter is only 18 months but she just now falls asleep on her own and ever now and then I will have to lay down with her, and yes it takes like 45 minutes. I started off by keeping her up past her normal bed time (8:00) to about 9-9:30. by this time she is yawning and rubbing her eyes. When I lay her in her crib she fusses for a few minutes but then she is out like a light. It wasn't that easy at first though. You just have to let her cry it out and about every 10 minutes or so go in there and reasure her its okay. Just don't talk. pat her belly or rub her head. Lay her back down because she will probably be standing up. It broke my heart to let her scream but every one kept telling me it was for her own good. It took about 10 days for her to settle into a good routine.

I hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!

Dear S.,
When I had this kind of problems with my 3, I quit the nap times! They would then play & do their pre-school work ect all day and sleep like little angels at night! Nap times are over rated in my opinion. Children do out grow that need. God bless you & your little ones! You may want to try, a "slow" time for like a hour where they must just chill with reading, a movie ect.. to calm them down a little. It truly worked for us; and we still have quiet time at night! After 7 pm, it becomes quiet time in our house! It helps my husband and me also!!! God bless you all...
Kathy N.

S.,
I did a modified CIO method (we watched SuperNanny and she suggested something like it.)
We increased the intervals at which we would go into the room by a minute or two everytime we'd go in to check on our DD. It's important to keep your voice low and calm, not engage in any conversation beyond, "It's bedtime, goodnight", tuck them back in and leave. Count on it taking between 3-5 days (our pediatrician told us this and he was right on) and it won't necessarily be easy... but it will be worth it!
We "sleep trained" (as I call it) my daughter at 9 months old... I just couldn't take the lack of sleep anymore! It may be more difficult in your case.
Thank goodness my son at 5 months decided to sleep train himself and reliably sleeps the whole night (and only rarely has nights of fitful sleep) and he's now almost 20 months old.
I think it would also be important to sleep train your daughter while she's still in a crib... she'll learn that bed time is sleep time before you transition her to a big girl bed. (Because for different reasons, that can be another sleeping adjustment.)
And to address another Mom's post about naptimes... I wouldn't touch the nap! My daughter still naps on some days for up to 2 hours. I think it's important "growth and development time" for little ones. (Preschools nap kids until 4 yrs old. You and your son may need that alone time and it will reinforce your sleep training efforts.
Just my opinion.

T. B.
Mom to Katie, 3 yrs 9 months
and Matthew 20 months

I went through this exact same thing with my now 3 year old. First I will say that many people will tell you to let them "cry it out" but you do in your heart what is best for YOU. I personally could not let her cry it out.

Here is my story...I nursed & rocked her to sleep until she was 18 months. Then I started laying down with her because we moved her to a bigger bed and she didn't want to be rocked anymore. For almost a year, we had no problems and she would fall asleep in about 15 minutes.

Right around 2 1/2 it started taking an hour to get her to sleep and we were getting very frustrated. It didn't help that we were expecting baby #2 and felt all kinds of guilty.

I finally realized I couldn't do spend an hour every night putting her to sleep and had to do something. I did alot of research online and read all kinds of sites about sleep training, etc. I will say that the age makes a HUGE difference. What I did for my daughter I could NOT do when she was 2. The development difference between age 2 and 2 1/2 is HUGE. If you can hang in there a little longer, it will be much easier for her to accept the change.

I talked with my daughter for about a week about the fact that she was going to fall asleep without me. I made a big deal about the fact that she was a BIG girl, etc. I let her pick out an alarm clock at the store (a pink princess one she chose) so she could learn what her bedtime looked like. Then every night I explained that her routine was going to stay the same (bath, bed time stories, etc) but when it was time to fall asleep, I was going to leave the room.

She was very excited about being a big girl...right up until the actual moment I left the room. It was everything I had feared. She panicked and was crying hysterically. I went back in (did NOT get into her bed) and calmly explained everything again. It didn't go well that night and my husband ended up staying with her until she fell asleep.

I felt like the worst mother on the planet! Then a miracle happened on the 2nd night. We went through the explanation again and she did cry momentarily when I left, it was so incredibly brief. Then she settled down quickly and eventually fell asleep! The big difference that night was that I left her bedroom door open (we had been closing it almost all the way previously) and I told her that I was right outside her door if she needed me.

Now it's 5 months later, she occasionally asks me to stay with her, but not crying or upset. She's very matter of fact about it...I guess just to see if I will change my mind.

I think what also helped her is that she falls asleep on her own terms. When I layed down with her (especially when it was taking an hour) I was always telling her "close your eyes...quiet down, etc). Now, she's in bed by 8 but sometimes isn't actually asleep until 9. Sometimes she talks to herself or her stuffed animals until she drifts off. I think that's more pleasant than my constantly harassing her to close her eyes. The important thing is that she is in there quietly and not asking to get out of bed, etc.

Good luck to you! It's hard to let them grow up, but her taking so long to fall asleep may be her way to exert some independence (which is of course what that age is all about). You can try what I did and see what happens, but again, you would probably be a bit better off if you just waited a few months.

First of all you are not a horrible mother. Secndly, I agree with your pediatrician. It may seem harsh but right now your daughter is using you as a clutch or an excuse not to fall asleep and is struggling with herself not to do so. If you let them, kids will get away with a lot. However, as a parent you have the resources and the responsibility to help pave the way to their future. Little ones are in constant training. As you taught her need you to fall asleep before, you can teach her to fall asleep without you now. Maybe finding something that smells like you or reminds her of you and letting her hold on to it at night might help the transition. My baby (almost 2) at times cries for me but literally takes 3 min. and he is zonked out. Leave a sippy cup with water and let her know you love her and look forward to seeing her in the morning to play and have a good time the next day.

Good luck and never feel like you are a bad mother. We do what we can and pray to be strong.