Going, Going, GONE!

You need time.
He's going to have to suck it up and deal.
You need to sit him down and have a chat - when he's rested would be a better time than when he's tired... you know?
Oh - and next week, put an extra binkie on a shelf in the toddler's room so that he can get that little scamp to bed on time.
:-)
YMMV
LBC

Men are different then women in certain respects. I don't think they need to her certain words of encouragment like women do. I go thru the same thing you so often. The other day I hurt myknee really bad while I was on the phone with my husband. ( I am ok now) the first comment he said was "what happened now" Like I am constantly injuring myself which is not the case. I had to hang up since my knee hurt. He emailed to ask me something about one of the kids. Not asking me about my knee. So I emailed him back and said you hurt my feelings. He apologized and asked if I was ok. It was so little on his part but it meant the world to me.
We go thru this type of thing quite often. I stay calm and tell him how I feel usually he says something loving.
You deserve to get out. Maybe he is frustrated simply because he knows your better with the kids than you? Here are the word of encouragent you are doing a great job with your kids, your house and still found some time for yourself.

You remember that the best gift you can give to your husband and your family is a little self importance. They learn by example, so if you teach them that doing for yourself is also important they will learn.

Remember that while your husband may have had a bad night tonight, he will not destroy the house etc. He needs to get the reward of seeing the children/ dog behave when he is consistent and reaps the rewards of discipline.

You will be a better and happier you if you take a little time to get away. If your husband expects it each week it will become routine and he will remember to put the pacifier out ahead of time, before you leave.

Remember you are worth it, and your kids are worth it, and your family deserves a happier fulfilled you.

And for pete's sake DON"T text or call while you are out...he has his hands full, and may not be able to multi-task causing frustration. If you are out, then be out. You can chat upon your return where you will have new stories to share and a glimmer of the person that your husband was attracted to, fell in love with, respected AND found interesting my return.

Be good to yourself and get a good nights sleep:-)

Kind regards,
T. Nelson

This is a really tough situation for me to respond to because I see it from both sides.

I've always been a working mom except for 12 weeks last summer when I was laid off from one job and looking for another. In order for me to search and be available for interviews, we kept our kids in day care 3 days/week. The days they were home for me were really rough - I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to "relieve" me. But, just as I'd been going all day with them, he'd been going all day at work, and it wasn't fair for me to necessarily expect him to take over so I could have a break. I got to see both sides.

In your case, your husband didn't act appropriately. Since he's not accustomed to the kids by himself, he was probably completely overwhelmed and became completely unnerved.

For me being a SAHM wasn't an option or a dream. I chose to be a working Mom for personal reasons, and it works for us. Part of it was not losing my sense of what drives me. Being a working mom helped me get through 5 months of chemo after our second child's birth. I couldn't have taken care of 2 kids (we have no family nearby) when I was deep in treatment, and working took my mind off the gravity of the situation.

If you are struggling with having lost yourself, could you consider putting your toddler in preschool a day or 2 each week (just for a few hours) and force yourself to do something for you during that time? Writing, gardening, working out, whatever.......don't use the time for anything other than finding your center.

My husband and I always try to encourage each other to do things. We finally figured it out the past 6 months when we were both training for a 1/2 marathon with 2 kids 3 and younger. We took turns, especially when training intensified, and though it was hard to establish the routine at first, it quickly became easy to adjust.

Good luck! Don't lose yourself in the process of fulfilling your dream to be a SAHM.

You are amazing! I'm seriously wowed by all you do, and I hope YOU can realize that, too.

Wow, what a bad day, K.. You could do with a little more support than that, but it sounds like perhaps your husband was having a bad day, and things didn't go smoothly for him at home during the two hours you were gone. I'm not excusing him, by the way, just observing what appears to be simple fact.

So, are you up for learning a new communication technique? My husband and I both find the system called Non Violent Communication extremely helpful.

It teaches you how to separate true needs and authentic feelings from complicating concepts, how to listen respectfully while respecting yourself, how to defuse tense relationships and situations, and It can be used by only one person, and with a little practice, can literally be life changing. Google this term if you are intrigued, and you'll find an official website, plus many other links that will give explanations, examples, tips, books, videos and classes.

My best to you. Life as a mom/wife can seem pretty thankless at times, can't it?

you are right. he plays golf, you should get pool. and he needs to learn to deal with the kids. simple facts. maybe if you insist on doing it more, he'll adjust.

but it also sounds like he works too hard. can he get something to help him sleep?

working on the house is not going to be forever. it might just be that right now is a tough time for your family. but you're right on all accounts. you deserve "me" time, absolutely. maybe when hubby is done with his little man tantrum you can talk to him honestly about it. (ps, i HATE when i text hubby looking for a lift and he just totally lets me down like that...lol. we look to them for support and empathy - which we give naturally - and they just aren't wired that way. makes us have to be a lot more emotionally independant than i, at least, want to be!)

Although this was an unhappy and frustrating experience it was also a good one. You learned that you've lost yourself. You've learned that everyone depends on you to the point that when you're gone for 2 hours things fall apart.

These are important lessons with an obvious answer. You need those 2 hours every week, for yourself, so that you can get back in touch with who you are and feel good about doing something just for yourself. You can rebuild those skills from earlier. You'll have 2 hours just to be with yourself.

Your husband needs to have more experience taking care of the kids on his own. By you going out for 2 hours every week he'll get this experience. He'll learn how to manage and will have some new skills of his own.

I wholeheartedly and urgently recommend that you join the pool league and go every week. You and your family needs that!

You poor thing- you had a tough day and were out for a few hours just trying to catch your breath and enjoy yourself which YES, you totally deserve!! I had a situation similar to this and I went and sat down to have a serious talk with my husband saying, Look, you support me being at home, but it has it's own challenges and I need a break too so I need you to be supportive when, in my case, I run and I leave my husband with three kids, ages 8, 6 and 1. I listed all the things I do at home and for the family like you did but I did it FOR HIM since it often goes unnoticed unless we bring attention to who is making the dinners, doing the laundry, trash etc. Have you really had a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband saying how you're losing your very essense, your identity unless you're able to have some time, and define it (a few hours certain days) to pursue your own interests and have a break? It would be a good idea to discuss this all with him. I hope he's supportive as mine is. Good luck!

I think he just had a bad day. I do most things as well being a SAHM myself. My hubby is fine with kiddos if I go out (On the occassion I do) Maybe you need to go out more often so he gets used to it or have him put the kids to be when you are home. I say when you are both home it should be both your jobs to take care of kids.
Good Luck!
M.

http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com

http://www.NaturallySafeHomes.com

I so know how you feel!! I have always had a job up until fall 2004 when we found out my hubby was going overseas for 6 months the first of the up coming year. We had to hurry up and get married (he is active duty military), move from out in town to base housing and since he wasn't going to be able to get my daughter off the bus from school due to meetings and training before hand, I had to quite my job so I could do it. I haven't worked a tax paying job since and there are days when I love it and days where I can't wait for both my kids to be in school full time so I can go back to work even if it's part time!!!

I used to feel guilty for taking 'me' time even if it was going grocery shopping alone, getting a pedi for an hour, etc. But I don't any more. I NEED that time!!! Used to feel bad for spending the money on my 'me' time too since I'm not the one that worked for it or for asking for nice appliances to use like the front loading washer and dryer so I can keep everyones clothes clean and looking nice or the Dyson that super sucks the dirt off the floor for me!! lol

I started going to the gym with a personal trainer 2 days a week and my hubby made this comment about commitment afterwards, keeping it up and blah blah blah. I said that's why our son is in a part day pre-k so I can have 3hrs of free time to do what ever but when the kids are out of school for the summer he is going to have to step up and be with the kids so I can go in the evenings or weekends. I do go to a belly dancing class one night a week and he knows I'm leaving the kids at home with him unless he gets stuck late at work!

My point is, you are either A)gonna have to sit his hiney down and talk to him about you needing 'me' time and what you are going to do to get it and what you expect him to do so you can have it. (he goes golfing right!)
or B) just make plans and inform him you've got plans and you need him home with the kids. Make a list of what needs to be done and attach it to the pacifier and have a good time! Sometimes I think both husband and wife get caught up in the daily grind, forgetting about what the other person may want or need cause we get stuck in our own little bubble.

Good luck!
S.

that is a very commong problem, to feel like you've lost yourself.
I've been there too.

Talk to you husband calmly, and tell him that in order for you to be a better wife/mommy, you would like some " me " time.
And you are asking for once a week. That's not alot.
It may take some preperation.
We may think that men have been paying attention and know the schedule and how things are done, but sometimes they dont. They just need to be told. Like, baby goes to bed by 8pm etc. or write it down.
communicate with hubby in a civil conversation and work it out.

Everyone one needs time for themselves every so often. And everyone works hard and has a hard time doing anything they feel is extra to their regular routine. It might be easier if a sitter or relative looked after the kids while you were out. I wonder how your husband views his place in the family. Does he want/need quality time with the kids? Or does he feel he slaves at a job all week to take care of the family and he's done his part so why does he have to do more? Some open honest non confrontational communication between you and him would probably help a lot. It's good to have 'me' time, but it's counter productive if your significant other gets in a huff over it.

You should play pool once a week. We all need a few hours to ourselves momma!! He golfs so you get time also. My husband golfs one to two times a week, he plays cards one night a week every two weeks. I also take time for what I love to do. Once he gets used to it he will be fine.

One thing I remind my hubby and myself is that his job changes. He goes to work during the day and although he may be thinking of the family at home, it's probably not on his mind all the time. Even if I get to go to the grocery store by ourselves, I am still thinking about home and what's going on there. He then comes home and works at home to help with the kids, run them to/pick up from activities and does stuff to fix up our house. Sure, he's working long hours, but it DIFFERENT. He gets to change it up. He gets to have others tell him he's doing a great job at work. He gets to go out to eat (with clients), travel (although he insists it's a chore and not fun. Really? Florida in February?!) He gets to leave one job to come home to 4 voices yelling, "Daddy!" *Wow, your post just turned into my rant...LOL!!!* My point is that absolutely, you deserve 2 hours for yourself each week. Explain to your husband how you are losing yourself. Does he really want to buck you on this? What happens if you don't take time for yourself now? It's only going to get worse and once there's such a rift, it's hard to come back from it. You don't want to resent him, I'm sure, but it could happen. Did you bring this on? Maybe, but I think we all do that to a certain degree. We pour ourselves into our job without the ability to leave it. We can't close down the computer or put the tools away and drive home. We are at our jobs 24/7. We need to take time to ourselves. This is a lesson I'm learning, too. I hope you can get your husband to understand. If he's not willing to help, can you enlist a family member or a babysitter? Yes, it's that important. Good luck to you!
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You sit your husband down and explain this to him. He is a saint for busting his butt and allowing you to stay home and raise your children BUT that is your full-time job. ANd just as you see he needs time to breathe so do you. I work oart-time, 3 days a week and spend the other 4 days raising my baby girl (7 months). My husband is pretty good about allowing me some 'me time'. Usually about once a month I spend an evening out with a good friend, going to eat, having a few drinks-whatever. If he starts to get ill with my time away I explain that I am with our daughter more than him and it is good for them to have time alone to bond and that I need a mommy break to be the best I can.

Good Luck