Grand Parents Playing Favortism

To be honest, I don't have any advice for you. I just want you to know that you're aren't alone. My mother has done this with my sister and I are whole lives. If that wasn't bad enough, she does it with ny neice and nephew, and now she's treating my child better than them! I hate it. The only good thing is that my sister and I are aware of it and acknowledge it to each other and it has brought us closer together. Normally I would say confront them and tell them how you feel, but that has never worked with my mom. Sorry I couldn't be any help, like I said I just wanted you to know you weren't alone.

My husband's grandparents and parents play favoritism too. Only in our case my daughter is a favorite, and I wish she weren't! Because of the attention they give her my sister in law is always annoyed with me and upset like I have something to do with it. I always mention her kids around his granparents and try to get them to do for them too, but it doesn't seem to help.
I guess I'm saying, think of the mom as someone who might understand a little of what you are going through. Maybe if you work together you can impress upon the grandparents how to have a WHOLE family. Good luck.

We have the same problem. My mother-in-law favors my nephew over my two girls, she does the same thing to her own kids. A good example is at Christmas things are normally not even close to equal. One year she gave my nephew one of those race car looking beds and a new mattress along with bedding my girls each got a barbie and a $25 savings bond. That same year she gave each of my husbands sisters $600 digital cameras, my husband got two shirts she found on clearance for $5 each (she left the tags on). She has taken my nephew on vacation with her and often goes to see him. For a long time she would come visit her daughter in Lawrence (30 min away) but wouldn't even call to tell us she was there. My oldest is old enough now that she notices and it really makes her mad, she wants nothing to do with her grandma and feels like her grandma doesn't like her, she won't even call her grandma. I have talked to my husbands mom about it and her excuse is well we make more money than his sister so we can afford to do more. However kids don't understand that I am sure my kids will never have a good relationship with her so we really try and make sure their relationship with my parents is good. Good Luck but if your family is like ours it won't get better you just have to make sure your son feels special. We have been limiting our girls involvment with my mother-in-law and it has helped because they don't have to see the favortism so much.

Hi. I understand very much what you are going through. I have had this in probably every aspect you can in life. I grew up being the least fave of my grandparents. Every Christmas, my cousins got extravagent gifts, my sister too. My brother would get something nice. I would get something cheap, small and pretty much just to have something to unwrap and not be left out. My grandmother finally admitted, not to me, that she has never liked me as much as the others. But I've grown to accept it because it was always just there and that way. As well as the fact I know it's her, not anything I've done except maybe be born. Not to say this didn't hurt growing up, as a kid the 'things' are what matters so it sucks not getting as much or as good as everyone else. But that is my grandmother none the less and I love her and am comfortable with myself to know I've never done anything to bring that view from her on to myself. While my parents never waivered on love for all of us so that helped a lot too.
Now the other side, I have three daughters who receive this on both sides of the family. Always on their dad's and in the last year from my mom. My mother does all sorts of stuff for my sister's kids. They are two or her seven grandkids. She has them anytime she can, buys all sorts of stuff for them, and does everything she can. My kids have asked why they don't get stuff too and she just ignores it. So that's pretty hurtful knowing all the times she was upset at my grandmother and now she's doing the same thing.
On their father's side is the worst though. The grandparents get my exhusband's other two children every weekend from his ex. They always get presents and taken places. My kids on the other hand see that side of the family only when their father comes to get them, which is aprox. 5-6 times a year. So he has two kids that have a relationship with the whole family while mine just know that's who they are supposed to call grandpa and grandma. It was this way even when we were together with the family.
I just believe my kids will see it as I did. And the best I can do is reinforce how much I love them. I've always had a strong belief in family, but that belief has been challenged very much recently. So I think that as long as they feel love it doesn't matter who's giving it. They know I love them and my boyfriend of two years does too, and they love him very much. Kids learn, sometimes faster than they should. My 6yr old said she wants to call my boyfriend Dad and call my ex Father or Jason, dependent on how she feels she said. So to have it be like that so young to me only reflects what others do, nothing on her. So just love you're child. If you're family treats him the same that's just icing on the cake. If they don't realize it's their loss. They are who's missing out and it shows what they are truly like. All the good to come in his life you'll be there cheering him on and that will mean the world to him.

You can't change other people. They are going to do whatever it is they are going to do, and if you argue about it, it will cause more problems than if you just visit on holidays, be polite, and don't take it personally. Don't waste your time worrying about how they are behaving badly and being jealous. Not spending Easter with them will not send them the message. They will think you are just a b_ _ch. I don't mean that you are, just that they won't be able to see what they are doing wrong that is making you angry. Spend your energy on your children and husband instead.

Hi C.,

We so want to protect our kids from things like this. I have seen it in my husbands family. His maternal grandmother played favorites to the point of excluding him from fun times with the other grandkids. He is now 35 and had very little to do with her. She only lives about 5 miles from us, but we only see her once every couple years, and we never talk on the phone with her.
His paternal grandmother however treats all her grandkids the same, even if they are her grandkids by marriage. And now that he is an adult he make sure to see her every holiday, her birthday, and usually at least once a month just to make sure she is well. He also calls to check on her and if she doesn't here from him when she thinks she should have, she calls to check on him.
I wish I had some great advise for you too, but I have noticed that you can't really change people like that. It's just how they are going to be. And yes, eventually your son will notice, but as long as he feels loved and is secure in his home with his parents and those that are a part of his daily life, I don't think it will affect him long term.
I know if he were my child I would want to "protect" him from feeling rejection from them and not send him to them either. Maybe as he gets older and can speak a little better for himself he will tell you he just doesn't care to be with them alone. Sometimes even family personalities just don't mesh.

Lots of love to your baby boy!

One other thought, I do remember my mother didn't seem to accept my neice who wasn't biologically his when my brother moved here several years ago. He came with a new wife, a two year old step-daughter (although as far as she is concerned he is daddy and that is the end of the story) and they had a month old baby girl of his own. She attatched really fast to the baby, but would always make comments when the older wasn't around about how she didn't enjoy her. And though she didn't see it, we noticed when she talked to the oldest, it wasn't with the sweet talk of a grandmother, it was always short and too the point. My brother and I both confronted my mom about this at different times and she said it is just different with step grandkids. We told her it didn't have to be but that it was her choice and the little girl was going to grow up knowing that she was not accepted. Although my mom would never admit she had the problem, she did begin to make a stronger effort toward the oldest, and now 4 years later she loves spending time with both of them and treats them both the same. I think she may have even forgotten that the older isn't biologically related. So maybe it will take the kids father, since it is his mother/grandmother, to say something. Has he stepped in to confront them at all? Maybe there is hope.

Hi, C.,

I can tell that you are pretty distraught, but I am having a hard time figuring out exactly who you are talking about.

Is the Grandma who is short-shrifting your daughter the mother of your fiance or the mother of your son's father?

Is the little girl who is being favored the 7 year old you are "adding" by marriage, or a half-sister of your son by your son's true father?

Is the mother of the little girl the ex-wife or girlfriend of your son's real father, or of your fiance?

If this is the ex-wife/girlfriend of your current fiance, then I think your best bet is to have your fiance gently ask his family to be more mindful of including you and your son. As grandparents on the father's side, they may worry about losing contact with the granddaughter if they don't stay close to the granddaughter's mother. Moms often control that. Or, they might not realize that a two-year old would enjoy the activities too. He might seem very young for all that stuff.

Maybe you can give more details...

It's hard to think you child is special but not treated that way. There really isn't anything you can do about it but not let it bother you and teach your children to not let it bother them.

Here'are the words I live by:
Don't take anything Personally
Don't make assumptions
Be impeccable in your word
Do the best you can

Because if you don't live by these then the little trouble making Judge in you head will stew over every word or percieved slight until you've twisted them into hate and mistreatment.