This isn't really a question, but a venting. Sorry it is so long.
Let me start by mentioning all the grandparents. My mom is in California, and visits as much as she can afford (and sometimes can't afford). She just bought a new computer, that she also can't afford to be able to Skype with my kids. She was here for my son's baptism, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, the birth of my daughter, and just left from Thanksgiving.
My father is also in California. He came for my son's baptism, and we visited on the way to a wedding when my son was 6 months. He has not seen us since, as he has issues with me visiting anyone else if we travel all the way down there, and turned down the invite to my daughter's baptism - who he hasn't met yet.
Then there are the local grandparents, my in-laws. They took a cruise during my son's 2nd birthday and my daughter's birth, and didn't see my daughter until she was 3 weeks old. They have seen her maybe 3 times since (she is 7 months old). Any time they see the kids it is because we have invited/begged them. Their house is not baby-proofed, they have a 64 inch tv that is always on, and when we would go there with my son, I spent the whole time in another room playing with my son, or chasing him around and telling him no. I prefer not to go over there, but we haven't been invited there anyway.
We just found out (from MY mom) that they just scheduled another cruise - from 3 days before my son's 3rd birthday to 5 days after my daughter's FIRST birthday!! My husband mentioned it to them, and reminded them that they would be missing these days and he was told that that was the only time available - really?!?!? No other company has cruises? And it is the EXACT same cruise they went on 6 months ago.
So, we got their Christmas lists yesterday, and what is on both of them? "Visits with kids and grandkids". Seriously? They can't be here for birthdays or drive across town for a random visit? And then they make it seem like we are keeping the kids away from them. These are their only grandkids, my MIL doesn't work, and my FIL is retired. My husband and I both work full time. When they have been over, the kids are more of a distraction, like a pet sitting on a lap, than a reason for visiting.
What am I missing? I feel like they like to say that they have grandkids, but don't want to put the effort in to get to know them or even spend any time with them. And then put us in the bad light because we are keeping them away?!?
Thanks ladies. Yes, I think I need to just let it go. I know how much it hurts my husband and I get wound up again about it. As for the cruise, this is only the second cruise they have been on. (They sit on the boat and don't visit the locations.) They scheduled the first one when they already knew my son's birthday, and my due date, so if it was something that was going to be a yearly occurrence, they knew that they were giving up these important dates.
I understand and agree with you. Give them a "gift certificate" for visits with the grandkids and may them good for those special dates and a few extras thrown in. It is up to them to use them but you are giving them what they want.
Without going into the whole thing, I get it. That is exactly the thing with my MIL.
Here's how I would handle it. I would make nice calendars with pictures of the kids. When you know they have opened the calendars, call them and say, "Great! Now we all have our calendars out - let's schedule some times for you to see the kids! Let's trade - sometimes you come here, and other times we'll go there." They get what they want, you get what you want. It's a little manipulative, but I think everyone wins!
Good luck.
My friend has this issue with her mother-in-law who lives just minutes away from them. When they did get together, she would make snide remarks about how her grandchildren aren't cuddly or playful with her.
One day, my friend got fed up and said, "They aren't cuddly with you because you never want to see them, you ignore them when you come finally decide to come around, you announce to them who your actual favorite grandchildren are, you give all their cousins gifts for holidays and birthdays in front of them, but you never give my kids anything. They know you don't like them and they are tired of trying."
So yeah, maybe on your Christmas list back to them, you can put,
"Show some initiative and interest in the kids for once."
If they don't get it, then there is nothing wrong with spelling it out for them how they have chosen to abandon and ignore the children, not the other way around.
As for the cruise thing, they probably go with the same cruiseline b/c they get reward points and discounts for additional cruises and are probably trying to climb the ladder to get in the captains club or whatever. It's a weird thing, but for active cruise goers, it's how it works.
Some people just are like this, no way of changing them unless they want to change themselves (which does not seem like the case).
I would simple keep sending invites to anything going on; birthday's holiday gathering, whatever you want to invite them too. Besides that maybe once a month have a day that you invite them over, maybe go out to eat, have them over for dinner, family activity or whatever works best for your kids. If they miss those and complain simple say I send invites to specail events, invite you over once a month if this does not work for you please let me know what does work for you. If they do not arrange anything just ignore any comments they say because YOU know that you are trying to arrange the visits.
Sounds all-too-familiar!
Let's just put it this way... when my son (2.5) has exciting news to share, he runs to the phone to call his Grammy and Pops (my parents in FL) or asks to call them on the computer (Skype). He doesn't ask for my in-laws and doesn't seem to notice when they "can't get up there" to see him (20 minutes away). MIL never worked, FIL is retired... my parents both still work, but make the time.
This is going to suck for THEM in a few years when your kids don't know them and ask for your parents in front of them. Do the right thing and continue inviting them for visits, but stop taking it personally when they don't come. It's their relationship to either build or diminish.
I would pity them. Your husband's parents are missing out and if they want to do that, they will pay the price later.
My friend has lived across the road from his grandparents his whole life. He hardly EVER saw them because they were too busy to care. Now, they are old, no one visits, their friends are dead and they are so lonely. BUT, the grandkids don't visit because they don't even know their grandparents. And they feel, why visit someone who didn't ever care them anyway. Sad.
I am so sorry you are going through this and they are certainly sending mixed messages! That would really get my goat! :)
They are trying to make you feel bad so they don't have to. If they bring it up again, tell them that it hurts that they have such little regard for important milestones in your kids lives.
I hope they come around. Hang in there!
To Momma L.'s response, on the Christmas list, you could elaborate: We want presence, not presents. As in, your presence. As in participating in your grandkids' lives and being involved in their milestone moments, like birthdays, instead of opting to go away on another cruise.
They sound like they just need you to be frank and spell it all out of them and just let them know how much it hurts your feelings. They might not have a clue.
My MIL lives across the country and is the only living grandparent my DD has now. She would take trips all the time with her boyfriend because he paid for them and they went where he wanted to go. But she never came to visit us because she could not afford it herself. Finally we ended up paying for her plane ticket to come see us and her granddaughter after it had been almost 2 years and she had never been out to see our new home after we moved. But even when we pitched the idea to her, she still couldn't just say sure right away - hubby's sister had to almost talk her into it and just be blunt. As in, "They want to see you, you haven't seen their new house, and you have not seen A in 2 years while you see M's kids (her other grandkids) all the time." That got her to say yes.
So I don't know. Maybe they have a different idea of the roles that grandparents play than you do. But I can understand where you are coming from. Maybe they just don't get it and you need to enlighten them. Or since they are your husband's parents, let him be the one to say something and handle it.
Wow.
I have family inlaws like this. Some are great, love to visit, remember dates, send cards, etc. Others say they will call or come and 2 weeks later you are still waiting. With those I've learned to just let it go. Being angry over what I know is going to happen is just exhausting and causes me to have a bad time at the event.
I think its the fact that they live close by and feel like they COULD pop by at any time that the don't make it a priority. 'We'll do it tomorrow'. Does that make sense?
I feel bad that they will miss your daughter's 1st birthday. You should plan something amazing so that you could say 'well sorry you were on the cruise!'.
I think putting that item on their Christmas list was totally out of line. If for your husband's sake you want to do something, I like the calendar idea below. Another thing to consider is that some older people are just not comfortable around kids. My husband is like this. We see the grand kids by taking them out somewhere. He is always more comfortable doing something with them - a movie, a meal, a trip to the toy store or book store...than just having them visit
my in laws were the same. my husband constantly made excuses for them. i think their lack of interest in our lives and our children hurt him.it hurt me. i hope things get better for you.
Well if you re making yourself available for visits and they don't want to their isn't much you can do. My family and in laws aren't big on visiting so I am fine with it. It makes me more nervous to have them around a lot.
