Grandparent Spanked Son

Hmm, you put your dad in a most uncomfortable situation for a man of a previous generation, or any human adult, for that matter – correcting him in front of other people. Now three of you have issues, instead of only you and your son. Please know that I am NOT suggesting you should not have talked to your father – I don't think spanking is a reasonable form of discipline, and have personally found that the techniques offered in some fabulous books by Faber and Mazlish work much better than even time-outs.

However, all of us have that "child" inside that needs TLC, including your dad. He thought he was doing a good thing for both your kids. You called him on it rather abruptly. That whole interaction would have been so much more effective had you waited to talk to him privately. That's really an extension of what you want for your son – to learn not to "react" violently, but to pause to consider more peaceful options. Language can also be violent. Words and ideas can indeed hurt us; they do all the time.

Let me suggest a fabulous set of communication skills that I have found transformational, not only in a few difficult family relationships, but also in understanding myself and my own needs more clearly. I hope you'll google Non-Violent Communication for an explanation of the the basic process and sources of books and classes.

In the meantime, you and your dad are at a standoff. Hold this in your heart for a while, and see whether you can apologize to him for your quick reaction. You can tell him you wish you hadn't put him on the spot, AND that it is terribly important to you that your sons not be spanked.

Best wishes to you all.

Spanking your child is NOT the same as hitting your child when used correctly. Spanking should never be done out of anger, but out of love and correction when your child has gone astray. I personally use spanking as a way to discipline my children because it is biblically mandated by God. I was spanked as a chilld and, by no means, do I feel that I wasn't loved...quite the opposite. You and your father both need to take a day or 2 to cool off and then you need to go to him and have a conversation face to face. You both need to share with each other your concerns about this situation. I guarantee your father loves your boys dearly and wants the best for them...and you.

Laura W. said it best! Kudos!

I am all for not spanking too, it happens when you loose controll and you dont know how to discipline (which means to teach!!!) you are not raising them w/o discipline you are raising them w/o spanking (violence) how can you hit and then say dont hit LOL...really think about it. I have a bunch of files on discipline and not spanking if you want some research to back you up bc I used to be a parent educator that taught classes on alternatives to spanking. email me your email and I will send them as attachements if you need them. good luck....i have made it clear to my dad (hit me daily) that i will not hit and he said 'good luck w/ that" my sister on the other hand does hit her DS. I have made it clear that I am not comfortable w/ it and if she feels the need to hit him she may not do it in frount of my DD, so far we have not had an issue but I am very outspoken and am not as nice as you are about it so I am not the one to give you advise on how to talk to your family about it....but my files might help educate you on WHY you dont and then you can educate them. xo

Bottom line -that's your kid, not his, and he needs to wake up and realize that YOU are a grown up and YOU are the parent and he has no right at any time to do anything with your kids that you haven't ok'd. I wouldn't lose my relationship with my father over it, but I would tell him that spanking was something you chose not to do, and you didn't allow others to do it either. It's fine if he doesn't agree, but he cannot hit your child. Anyway -does he not realize that brothers hit each other with frequency? I'm not saying it's okay or should be ignored, but it's not as though your oldest is "bullying" the youngest -they're brothers.

your days is of the older generation which believes spanking is kids' middle name.
i think you handled it right, you don't need to cut off ties with your dad but you should call him and tell him you have a no spanking rule and that he is welcomed to discipline your kids if he happens to be right there and you are not around but that he should keep his hands to himself. i don't allow anyone to discipline my kids, even though i am always a few feet away but my entire family knows they're not allowed to discipline my kids. my kids need to have a loving relationship with my family, while i do the raising and disciplining.
as for spanking, he should have not done that.

I think you handled it like I would have. Now just need to cool down and your dad a call in a few or so. Talk again with him later and just let him know that this is your choice of parenting. I wouldnt make it a long talk, short and sweet and to the point. You father is not going to like what you have to say , he is going to feel scolded by his daughter. He will get over that if he wants to see his grandsons. I also would not leave them with him. He will not change over night, he is set in his thinking and ways at this point. Good luck!

Wow, that is tough. I am a non-spanker. I believe in not hitting children.

My father, believes in spanking...he says "spare the rod". We don't live closeby, plane ticket away and I've not seen him in 2 1/2 yrs so I never had to worry.

I would be livid that my father did something like that and I would lean toward your feelings right now...... I would not trust my father to be around my child, most especially if I am not around.