Guilt on Vasectomy

I went through feelings of grief after having my tubes tied. I kept imagining a 3rd child - a little girl. BUT even though I had those feelings I am happy I did it and know absolutely that I only want 2 children. I think going through these feelings is normal.

L.,

My husband and I have three awesome children. We do not want a fourth, we both agree our family is the perfect size. However, once my youngest reached an age where it was time to start getting rid of some baby gear, I was so incredibly sad! I think I even cried a little when I was going through the things we no longer needed. But I realized it wasn't because I wanted more children, it was because I was grieving the end of that part of my life. It was really sad to me for a little bit to realize that the next baby I get to snuggle regularly would be my grandchild. So I think you may be at the same point I was. For me it was getting rid of baby stuff, for you it was the vasectomy. Try to look forward into the future and picture your family life instead of thinking about what could have been. Imagine doing all the work and making the sacrifices that have to be made for a baby and ask yourself if you're up to it. I definately wasn't, so I knew we had made the right choice for us but that it was still okay to be sad about it.

Hope this helps.

There is nothing selfish about not adding to a family, for financial and emotional reasons!! I think most people feel a lot of grief over final decisions. I have known women who felt relief when nature made the decision for them. They couldn't get over having to make that decision. By nature, humans aren't good with finality. It causes us to question "what if," and doubt our whole process.

What I'm saying is, I think your feelings are natural. I have not met many people (besides myself) who didn't hate the finality of these decisions. The fact is, the reasons WHY they didn't have more, still exist. They miss the child "in theory." If the situation was perfect, if they had more money, if they could handle it emotionally, if they had more room, time, etc. WANT and desire, is different then need and ability. I know people say "you will never regret another." That could not be further from the truth. People LOVE their children, and still realize adding was a bad choice. That, is also a very had thing to live with. I have known many people who added, because they felt they would never regret it. Guess what, they did. They have no money, time, resources, future...they have this child they love...that they fully realize they made a bad choice. LOVE (and room for love,) does not mean you will not have regrets.

You are allowing yourself to conjure up a vision of what could have been. The reality might have been very different as most times they are. You had ligitamate concerns. They have not changed. Enjoy what you have.

Have you talked to your husband about it recently? Do you WANT another child? Does he? If so, might you consider adoption? My cousin's husband got a vasectomy after their 2nd child (without my cousin's agreement), because he thought 2 was all they could handle. About 7 years later he really wanted another child, so he and my cousin (who is adopted, herself), adopted a little boy. They've also recently been granted custody of one of their teenage nephews, so they are now raising 4 kids, when they thought their emotional and financial limit was 2.

From time to time my regret over his V returns. It is like mourning the loss of a child in a way. I understand how you feel, and you don't have to be ashamed of it. Hopefully time will help.

My advice would be to put your energy and concentration in the real, here, and now. Stay plugged in with your family as it is and choose joy in it. If a time comes when you both desire and are able to handle another child, then vasectomies are reversible with much less health risk than a mother getting hers reversed, or as others have mentioned, there are many children out there who really need a loving family to adopt them.

There is nothing selfish about considering finances and emotional strength or availability when thinking about adding to your family. In fact, I think it's the worst kind of selfishness that would say "I want a baby" and throw the other real concerns out the window without getting them in order first! It's one thing to find out your pregnant, realize it's a blessing, and make changes in your lifestyle to prepare for the baby.....but just saying "we'll figure it out" and trying to conceive first is just selfish and foolhardy, in my opinion. We were on birth control when we got pregnant the first time. It wasn't what we thought was the perfect time for us (debt, a 1 bedroom apartment, newly married, etc) but we were thrilled with our unexpected blessing and made the changes necessary, and went into overdrive to get it all in order for when our son was born. I think God knew what He was doing though----I can't imagine our marriage or family any other way.

That said: we PERSONALLY know, firsthand, of TWO couples who conceived even though they'd had vasectomies. I feel that if it's really meant to be, if you're really meant to have another baby, a little procedure like that can't stop God's plans. (Both families were surprised but thrilled). My husband had a V right after our youngest son came home, safe and sound, from the hospital. We made that decision mostly because of my health and safety: another baby...I might think of one occasionally, but am not going to risk my 2 wonderful boys growing up without a mom because I have second thoughts on leaving the "having babies" stage of my life. Money is also a large factor. We want to have a nice life, the boys we have going to college and debt free, some money set aside for our retirement and to enjoy the grandchildren....so our age and money are valid, not selfish, reasons.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. It's probably pretty normal to have feelings of regret (I've questioned it a couple times in the last few years, but did not allow my mind to dwell on it or build it up, because my reasons are real and valid, and we did not make the decision lightly). My husband always imagined 3 children, we have 2, and I worried that he would feel "shorted". He thought about it a bit and said "Seriously, your health is so important to EVERYONE in the family. I have a full life, a full family, lots of love, and that's all I want. Besides, if we had another baby I'd NEVER get to retire". I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

My kids are 12 months apart. I was so shocked to be pregnant only a few months after giving birth. So I had my tubes tied after she was born. We're done.

Now that the youngest is no longer a baby, hubby and I both are sort of sad. We wish she wasn't growing up so fast.

Sure there are times I wonder if I made the right choice to tie my tubes. Then I remember everything babies need and all the sacrifices parents must make.

I'm happy with my 2 daughters.

Concentrate on what you have. And be happy with your choice.

Hi L. - my husband went through the exact same thing you describe. He thought he had to have a reversal to get over it. We did not do that. Anyway, it just took a lot of praying, and LOTS of time, and he is OK now, and has been for several years, although it was about 13 years ago that he had it done. Anyway, just thought I'd tell you that you aren't alone, and time will get you to feeling better!! Hope it happens quickly.

The thing that really jumped out at me from your post was your reference to being selfish. I actually think it is selfish to have a baby that you can't afford just because you want another one. I think what you are describing is being responsible, not selfish. I have one child also and he will be our only child. I totally understand how you feel. I will always argue that the stereotypes of only children are not true but at the same time, I sometimes feel very sad that I won't be adding another baby to our family. It is especially hard when my son (almost 5) shows a really 'grown up' side to himself. I miss my baby even though I love my bigger boy more than anything :-) Just focus your energy on what you have vs what you don't. Peace.