Handling Criticism of Your Children

Hi KW,

I think you've received good advice here so far about letting the comments go however, I just wanted to add that I think you are completely justified in being bothered (mad) about them. It made me mad just reading it! When it comes to my child, I do not take (constructive) criticism well. I do not think you are being too sensitive at all.

Although anger is my first response, I do think the other ladies are right about ignoring the comments.

Listen to Ruby on this one...

On things like this, I'm always saying most of the time people are not trying to be rude and people would be happier if they would not assume the worst intentions of others.

I don't see those comments as criticism, I see them as observations. Granted it would get a little old if they keep making the same observations over and over after they have been addressed but it would be that repetition and not the actual observation that got on my nerves.

I would stop being so sensitive to it.

To me, both these examples sound more like insensitive observations than criticism.

After all, nobody knows how fabulous they are better than you do!

My ex MIL was brutal with her 'observations'. But then I had to consider the source, tehehe, she was the head of the MOTHER of all dysfunctional families!

No point in holding on to it, just enjoy your kids!

:)

Your hubby's aunt is probably just concerned but not tactful. Instead of reacting to her comment explain that he has been tested and so far everything is fine. She also may be out of practice listening to pre-schoolers. I know since I am not around little ones everyday I sometimes don't understand 3 yr old anymore. When my kids were little I understood them and other kids just fine.

About the size of your son, just laugh it off. When they offer you clothes tell them 'we are so lucky he simply doesn't out grow his clothes as fast as other kids, but thanks anyway'. My son was a little guy until 8th grade. He started 8th grade with the top of his head just touching my chin, by the end of the school year I could easily fit under his chin. He ate us out of house and home that year and had muscle aches from growing pains. He's now about 6' 2" and wears a 30/34 size pants he's long and skinny. I tease him that his waist size hasn't changed since kindergarten he just keeps getting taller.
I knew my son was going to eventually get to be really tall. He was wearing a man's size 8 shoe in 3rd grade, now he's a size 13 shoe.

Just another point. If someone says something about your kids that can be taken 2 ways, 1 way is a criticsim and 1 way is simply a comment or concern --always take it the second way. Most people do not mean to be critical, things just come out in the wrong way.

I always thought I was the queen of the "awkard comment." So much so that I called my free-lance business Foxpaw Design, a play on "faux pas." But as I gradually have learned to be less self-conscious and anxious about my own missteps, I notice that we all make them. (ALL of us, including you!) We've probably all said at least a few hundred well-intentioned things that struck someone else as rude, inappropriate, or in some way, very poor form.

So when somebody makes some comment that hits me wrong, now my first realization is that they didn't mean it cruelly; in fact, it might be an expression of genuine caring. I thank them on that level, and move on.

If I find myself still fretting over it, I take a closer look. It's almost always because there was some element of truth in the comment – that I feel, properly or not, is somehow my own fault or failing. Once I notice that, I either deal with the fault to resolve it, or simply recognize that it really is NOT something I can control. Either way, the nagging annoyance stops. That freedom is very nice!

There's a powerful process called The Work that can help with learning to let go of such things. You can google 'The Work' or 'Byron Katie' to learn more about the free tools you can print out and try for yourself. She also offers many videos on the site of people doing The Work on all sorts of issues.

Good luck!

Let it go. BUT you will have an EASIER time of letting it go if you address it when it happens-- be nice but be assertive! "Aunt Sally, it's nice to know you're concerned but he was JUST screened by experts and falls with in the normal RANGE for his age-- so many people forget that normal IS a range, don't you think?" and then move on and let it go!

"Dynomite comes in small packages! He reminds me of his (insert name of relative and funny story here)" "We can always use good clothes-- I LOVE the hand me down chain, I don't know which is more fun getting good hand me downs or giving them! It must really stretch your budget to have Johnny grow so fast!"

When I have trouble letting something go I find that it's usually more about MY response or lack thereof than whattever idiotic thing was said.....

I think you're being hyper-sensitive, actually. Your aunt was showing concern for your son, which makes it clear that she cares about him and loves him. She wasn't criticizing your parenting or your child. Next time she says something, give her some details. "We had him evaluated and he's age-appropriate with his speech. We're really proud of him. I don't want to discuss this again, but thank you for your concern." That way you've addressed her concerns and validated them and put the issue to rest.

If someone is commenting on size differences between their child and yours, SO WHAT? What do you think they're doing? Criticizing? Who would they be criticizing? What's the harm in discussing differences in children? It's what mothers do.

"Your child has blond hair? Mine was blond until she turned two, then it became more brown."

"Oh, how cute! My daughter has always been so tall and slender but I love snuggling babies that are chubby and short."

"My youngest daughter is so chubby and round she's always off the charts and it hurts to carry her for long. I'll bet you don't have that problem with your son."

You need to learn to not take things people say about you and your child personally. Take them as the conversation that they're intended to be. Take them as the concern that they may be intended to be. Stop looking for offense where there isn't any. You'll live longer.

EDIT: Before I come off sounding insensitive, please understand that I can put my money where my mouth is. I have a child with a speech impediment that needs speech therapy and I have a child with Autism and several related disorders including global learning delays. I recently sat in an optometrists waiting room and had a woman ask how old my 9 year old was, and I could tell she expected me to say she was younger than my almost-7 year old or to say that she and my 7-year old were fraternal twins. Socially and in other developmental ways, my youngest daughter far surpasses my 9 year old and people make comments all the time. I don't let it bother me... it does sadden me a little... but bother? no, because I take it as a chance to educate people about Autism if they seem open to to the opportunity.

I don't think those comments are rude per se, but I think we ALL make off-the-cuff remarks that can be taken several ways occasionally. I try to limit those myself (though I know I must do it, too) -- especially on what can be seen as sensitive subjects such as those you mentioned above. For instance, my niece is 19 months old, just started walking 2 weeks ago, doesn't say a word and looks like she's 12 months old -- tiny. I have not said one word because I know that this could be a sensitive subject, she goes to the doctor regularly so he/she knows what's going on, etc. (Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have my opinions, mind you, but I won't go there, haha)

I guess we just all need to let the little things go. If these two people in your life continue on with the comments, however, and it gets to be too much -- a pithy comment to the friend should stop her -- and an exclamation of "Oh, his doctor said he's right on track!" to the aunt should end the comments. Good luck!

For that aunt, tell her that he was evaluated and is "age appropriate". My friend has kids that are astonishingly clear and when I compare DD to them, she come up short. But it's genetics with that family. Nothing wrong with DD (I've asked) and it will get better. I would tell her as many times as you need to, "He's been evaluated. He's fine. I think it is rude that you keep bringing it up."

As for the friend, just say, "Genetic recombination." My DD is small, too, and that's because *I* am. Her cousin is the same size and a year younger. Her parents are both tall. Genetics. Simple as that. You can tell your friend, "Look, I know it's interesting that our kids are these sizes at these ages, but it's wearing on me that you mention it all.the.time and it's making my child self-conscious. Can you just let it go?"

There is always SOMETHING. As long as my kid isn't being criticized because she picked a fight and got suspended from school (which would be deserving of a critical eye), I try to just let it roll. Currently my DD is not fully potty trained and she's always been a little behind on physical milestones. Pediatrician isn't worried, but I'm tired of hearing about other kids or the 3 day naked method or whatever. Really. Please stop.

My husband and I get told a lot..."Your boys are so small for their age". My husband gets upset and I say " Big things come in little packages!!". It only upsets me when they say it in front of my boys. My oldest, age 9, has heard me say it so much he can name reasons why being shorter is an advantage. My husband and I are not necessarily short, just average. I figure if they were tall we would get remarks about that too...lol!! Don't justify someone's stupidity with a snide remark. Find a good remark and use it.

I think you are being too sensitive. You know your kids are fine and healthy and should just focus on that.

Take the comments from the spirit that they are often - the aunt is worried about your sons speech and wants him to get any help he needs. Sure, its insulting for her to think you are NOT on top of your children's needs - but you can tell from her comment that she cares about your child.

As far as the comments about your son's size - he is small for his age. There is nothing wrong with that and thats why people feel so free to comment. My daughter is a year younger than my neighbors daughter, but looks like a clumpy giant next to her. My neighbor and I talk about their size difference frequently - but neither of us are upset about it. Its NORMAL that kids come in different sizes and shapes. I dont think that you should be upset or feel that people are pointing out something wrong with your son, because they arent. They are just commenting - like they would if he was a red head, or had curly hair, or big eyes, or any other distinctive characteristic.

:)

Regarding the Aunt's comments, I would not view this as 'rude' rather than a concerned adult family member that has noticed something is different and suggested it be looked at. Is it reasonable that you maybe didn't notice his speech difference because you are accustomed to it? I'm guessing there has already been some evaluation of it since the pathologist was involved. And perhaps she is well aware of how not taking care of a (real) problem when a child is young can be very detrimental when they get older - when the time to fix it is past.

Regarding the 'friend' who is always bragging about her exceptionally large child, she is being downright insensitive and rude. My son is also small, due to lack of growth hormone being produced by the pituitary gland, so i know exactly where you are coming from. If i could find a way to avoid having to give him daily injections, spending lots of extra money to buy him caloric dense food, and take away all the hurt he has encountered from teasing, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But there is nothing more i can do. If she truly is a "Good Friend", then she will respond positively to you asking her to stop with the comments because of how insulting and rude and hurtful they are. If she gets offended, she is not the friend you thought she was.

i don't know the answer KW lol. i am guilty of getting mama bear too - but not about these kinds of comments - i have a branch of my family that can be very judgmental and nasty. it is an aunt, uncle, and three cousins of mine. anyway, they have always looked down their nose at my husband and i didn't say anything for several years. once they even saw me putting overall shorts on my little boy (he was about 2 at the time, it was july, and hot, and no he didn't have a shirt on - it was STINKING ADORABLE) and one of my cousins made a comment really snotty about how "oh now he can be a redneck just like his daddy!" i was sooo mad.

anyway they have always been that way. just recently in the last year i have really gotten super sick of it, and i actually backtalked my uncle a bit. he said something about my parenting (which wasn't true- he accused me in a sarcastic voice of pawning the work off on my mom - the circumstances were such that my mom who was right next to my son, needed to grab him RIGHT THEN - i couldn't wait to stop him until i waded through the ten people between he and i) and i snapped at him that i couldn't exactly GET to my son right that moment - and when he looked up he saw i was right and didn't say anything else. anyway, to me this is bullying behavior, and after i spoke up once or twice, he stopped. in fact in the last 6 months or so, he has really been making an effort to be nicer to everyone. i don't think i am the sole reason for that, but at least, after i spoke up, he quit directing it MY FAMILY.

maybe if you stand up for yourself and your family a little more firmly (not quite being so "nice" about it) they will shut it. not saying they will learn anything or regret their ways, but maybe they will see you will stand up for yourself and aren't going to deal with them being rude. something like, "actually his dr. said he's doing great and i have nothing to be concerned about - so neither do you. BUT THANKS."

i wouldn't normally condone getting snotty back at someone, BUT sometimes bullies leave you alone once they realize you'll give it right back and not just roll over.

I think you just need to accept that nobody is perfect. Not your kids, not my kids, none of us adults. We are all imperfect.

My younger daughter had very unclear speech at ages 2-3 (we were the only ones who could understand her, and not always). Additionally, she is tiny for her age (in the 10%, while her big sister and both parents are well above the 95%). So she has always been the recipient of comments.

I guess my take on it, as a woman who is 6' tall (I've been this tall since junior high, by the way), is that people comment on anything out of the ordinary. It's best not to pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary. Being different is okay. When people say, "Wow, you're tall! Do you play basketball?" I reply, "No. Do you play miniature golf?" and then smile sweetly. Basically I answer one dumb question with another. :)

Back to my daughter, when people would ask if her language skills were behind, I'd say, "Maybe. We're working on it. She's trying really hard to pronounce some of the sounds that are hard for her." I mean, it's true - no, nobody could understand her, and yes, she was working hard to make herself understood. Whatever, now she's 6 and has no trouble making herself understood - maybe the commentary when she was 2 led her to try harder. I don't know.

In terms of her size, she knows she is tiny. She will probably always be tiny (in a family of giants, no less). When she was about 4, she asked me if it was weird that she is so little. I told her, "No, it's not weird. This is the size you are supposed to be. It's a good thing, too, because you are SUPER cute and tiny!" So we have always acknowledged her differences, but in a positive way. What makes her different also makes her special. When people comment on her size ("How old are you? Four?") she replies, "I'm six. I'm small and very cute for my age!" It's so funny.

Anyway, I would just try not to be offended. People comment on anything unusual. It is what it is. The sooner you and your child can come to grips with it, the better off you'll both be.

Hello, First of all, too bad you didn't know to tell that little girl that all of your freckles were kisses the Angels had given to you when you were born. Also, people are just so rude. When someone tried/tries to compare chldren, I like to tell them, "Yeah, isn't it great how they all develop and grow at their own rate. The bottome line is they will all get there." That usually stops the conversation. Your children are perfect and just the way they were meant to be.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I have been on both sides of this. I guess you have to try to take every statement as a sign of love and concern. Try not to get too hung up on the delivery. Some people have very poor blunt overbearing ways of saying, "Hey, I think something might be wrong."

I frequently cringe at the way some friends and family parent, but I keep my mouth shut. However, I had a very dear friend, whose daughter was very delayed to the extent I thought she might have CP. I had to walk a very fine line of saying "Is the doctor concerned about XYZ?" rather than saying "You dope, your kid has no muscle tone and I think your doctor is an idiot for not picking up on this!" Ultimately, the child did not have CP, but she has been in various therapies on and off for 4 years. I often wonder if I had said something when I first noticed a problem - 18 months before mom ever acted concerned - if I could have helped her. Probably not...

I tell you that story to say that I think a good friend will say something if they are worried, and you need to take it in a spirt of love. I know there are plenty of people in our lives who are attention seeking and know it alls and just plain annoying... but that doesn't mean that is the intent of their observation. Try to be generous about it.

But the third time, I think you can tell them to shut up :)

Honestly, use your words. "I know you think it's unusual, but I assure you I am on top of it. It is not something I want to talk about anymore. Would you like another piece of pie?"

I try to let them go but in all honesty they do sting a bit, don't they?!

~My husband's brother commented awhile back that my oldest son (now 7 y/o) has a huge head and that it looks funny on his body! I was hurt. I had never noticed it before (and still don't see it), I think my son is *perfect* just the way he is, of course! I asked MY family if they think that 'K' has a big head and they all said yes but that it doesn't matter, and that it doesn't take away the fact that he is handsome, no matter what. All the encouragement from my family that he was fine didn't do anything to make me feel better... I couldn't and still can't forget about...I still think about how he said it every time we see him.

Smile and say "thanks for your input, what else would you recommend," if you want to discuss it further. If not, then simply smile and say, "thank for your input, we are looking into it." and then change the topic.

Hand me downs from a younger, but bigger child wouldn't bother me in the least.

You can't control what comes out of other people's mouths, but you can decide not to let it ruin your day. If it helps, try shifting your feelings from anger to sadness. Rather than feeling angry, think to yourself, how sad for them that they couldn't filter that thought, or couldn't refrain from saying that hurtful thing.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I'm 5'1", 53 yrs old and people still feel the need to comment about how short I am. I always feel like answering that I'd rather be short than rude and stupid but I never do. Because I'm short my kids are on the small side too so that's been a topic of conversation the whole time they were in school. Some people just don't think before they open their mouths (and put their foot in it). As a family we've decided to just answer with something like "I can't believe you just said that!" which usually puts the other person stammering an I'm sorry and dropping the subject never to be brought up again.

As far as a diagnosis of failure to thrive? That's not a diagnosis at all. My 2nd grandson was diagnosed as failure to thrive and through some detective work my daughter diagnosed the real cause of his lack of growth; milk allergy. Removed cow milk from his diet and he started to grow just fine.

I listened to my in laws grumble and worry over my oldest daughter's speech delay for over a year.
Why isn't she talking yet? Are you sure there's nothing wrong? Have you had her tested?
It was annoying but it never made me mad. I knew my child, I was observing her, as were her preschool teachers and pediatrician. We were all sure that she was just slower to develop.
And she was! Perfectly normal, just on the slower end of normal. She eventually caught up and never even needed any therapy for it.
My in laws were blunt, but not cruel. Like many of an older generation they worry and question what young mothers are doing and how they are doing it. It's probably been going on for thousands of years. You shouldn't take it personally. Have confidence in yourself as a mother and none of these comments will bother you, I promise!

Hmmmm. See, I think these comments could be made in a helpful way. I know plenty of people that ignore things due to denial. I on the other hand have 3 kids, all with speech problems, one with ADD/ODD, one with cancer. So, I am hyper sensitive to "irregular" kids. I have them. Yes, kids can be on the low end of normal-and for speech, the kid needs to be below 7%ile to get help in school (here in CA). And, that is too low in my opinion. So, in this case, both you and the Aunt could be correct.
I used to get all sensitive about my kids. But, now I listen if i think the person is trying to be helpful, and tune them out if they are lame. You can choose what upsets you.

These statements and questions you are giving as exampe should not be upsetting you. I don't know how to tell you to let something go that isn't rude, insensitive, or meant to be demeaning. For some reason, you are insecure and that's why you are feeling this way. I'm sure your kids are just fine. Somehow you need to just shake it off.

Oh yes! Too small, too big, unclear speech, not reading well for age, and I could go on. People are rude. I'm guilty of one thing though myself. My 20 month old is the size of a 3 year old. He looks baby cute but his size is tall not fat. I've laughed and pointed it out to all my friends who have 2-3 year olds because he's so much younger and so much bigger. He tries to keep up with them on the playground and it's cute to see him being so much taller yet trying so hard to keep up. I don't think they mind. I wasn't rude, just surprised because I'm used to having petite children.

Some people say things and they don't mean anything by it. I know for a fact that my son who is 2 this week is somewhat behind in his speech. He has been very stubborn. Before anyone can say anything I make sure they know in advance that I am already monitoring him. I am also aware he may need speech therapy. It limits the comments and no matter what you do some people will have an opinion whether we like it or not.

With the aunt, I think I'd say "You mentioned that 6 months ago, and it kind of hurt my feelings. I promise you that if he needs a special school, I will deal with that. But I don't need to hear it from family members multiple times." Then she will tell you she is sorry and hopefully think twice before saying it again.

Would you like to have your friend's hand-me-downs? Tell her you will come by to get them as soon as she has them ready for you to pick up. That's the price she pays for calling your child little. If you have no interest in her clothes, tell her that it bothers you that she says it. If you do, she won't mention it again. A real friend doesn't want to keep hurting their friend's feelings.

Dawn

I have dealt with this always- my boys are small they have both been small and loud they are both loud so I get the comments on their size and their loudness all the time. Just brush it off your kids are perfect the way they are people tend to drop their filters every now and then just let it roll off your back and go about your day

If the comment is correct, I am grateful. If the comment is wrong, I have the urge to tell the person what a bad parent they are.
Old people feel they have the right to say whatever they want and I remind the inlaws the rudeness is going to make me NOT want to care for them when the time comes. It is hurtful and repulsive to me.