Handling My MIL

She sounds like my MIL who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder but was diagnosed Bipolar. Everything is about her. She literally began trying to have relationships with people we were close to.

After she caused trouble by lying and such, we moved away and made relationships without telling her. She even once walked into a total stranger's house to see what we were talking about. That neighbor locks her door now.

What a witch!!!

Here is what I would do...lay the guilt on THICK. Say "Dear MIL, we REALLY want to celebrate Christmas with you. However, you must realize how difficult it has been since DH has been out of work. We are doing the best we can to make things special for you, but this is what we are able to afford at this time. But at least we will all be together"

If she has any heart whatsoever, she will offer to pitch in on dinner.

Oh Honey, this is YOUR family, YOUR kids, YOUR husband. You do it your way, k?

You CAN accomodate her, of course. Tell her what YOUR plans are for YOUR family and say, 'we'd LOVE to have you, would you need us to come pick you up?'

Once I had kids, we stayed put for major holidays. We HOPE you can come! Dinner is at 5, this is what we're having, but you can bring something if you like!' This included relatives (mine or his) who would have to travel.

It's your turn to be the mom, you know, she had HER time. You can diplomatically, even warmly, do it YOUR way now. Really, you CAN, you're a grown up now!

:)

Why doesn't she order a cooked meal for her house? Grocery stores do this typically a ham or turkey and some sides. Or maybe Boston Market. Have your husband suggest this to her(she needs to pay), personally I find it really rude of her to complain about someone going through the trouble of bringing food over. I couldn't deal with that and I would just stay home.

My advice?

Stop bending over backwards for her. She is toxic, and you need to put your foot down. Once she realizes she won't get what she wants, hopefully she'll back down. Personally, I wouldn't cook for someone who refused to eat because of some ridiculous dislike.

It sounds like your DH needs to have a serious talk with her. I honestly don't know how you put up with it.

My Grandma, Grandma-in-law, and mom are ALL this way! lol. I have learned that the easiest way to handle these people is to NOT pay them any attention during their pity parties. "Oooh, I want a big dinner. Boo hoo...." you can let her know that she is free to contribute whatever she wants to YOUR dinner... she just has to do it herself. As far as the sulking attitude people like this tend to get, just ignore it. Have a great time without her. Try to involve her, but don't put yourself out. Stand your ground, and she can either adapt to it or make herself miserable. She can either watch everyone and feel bad for herself, or participate... but don't give her any extra special attention. That just feeds the fire... it's just like a toddler throwing a tantrum. lol.

Gawd.
I just would not entertain her at all.
She has chronic mental issues.
Of which, none of it, will get cured.

You have, and will continue to.... (you and your Husband), spend time 'catering' to her.
But you know that.

I would be, sick and tired of it.
I have a relative like that.
Then my Husband and I, simply refused... to interact with the person anymore.
A person, cannot play those mental games... if you do not play.
It takes at least 2, to play such chronically toxic mental games on other people.

I would NOT go broke... financially, just because she is grumbling about what food is being served.
There are MANY people... who are starving, in our own country. And they would be so thankful, just for 1 hot enchilada for the Holidays.

Your MIL... will CONTINUE to be this way... forever.
Because, who can change her.
And why should she change.
And people cannot always change. Nor want to.

WHY... continue to be... her emotional slave and door-mat???????
Both you and your Husband... and your child will ALSO be her emotional slave and door-mat... once she gets old enough to be manipulated.

If it were me... I would disown her.
My Husband and I had to do that once.
Otherwise, the relative will continue to taint your family and your own mental health.

Your MIL is this way. And is predictable about it. And sooooooo detrimental, to everyone.

The bottom line is this:
NO matter how much you "try to make the best of a bad situation..." KNOW... that it will ALWAYS... be a bad situation. And at your expense on many levels... financially and mentally and emotionally. And your child, will be subject to this as well...and influenced by your MIL.
Do you want that?
A child, copies what they see, sometimes.
And if your MIL babysits your child ever... well, I would really think twice about that.

OR... if someone has guts about it... someone has to tell MIL that she needs to see her Doctor or get a Therapist and medication... because her behavior is not normal. And is harming others.

You either put an end to it. Or, you will just have to continue... to put up with it, always.
There is no navigating around her.
She is bullying everyone with her passive aggressive manipulative "poor me" behavior.

I wanted to say-- I am sitting here applauding your supportive and smart husband. He kept her out of the delivery room at a traumatic time for you both; he is telling her to just chill over your Christmas dinner plans. You are fortunate that he is backing you up and takes the responsibility to speak to his mother -- too often in posts here, the complaint is that the daughter-in-law is stuck because the husband just won't tell his mom no. So that's a bright spot for you to treasure!

All you can do to navigate is to do what you planned and smile, smile, smile through it. Tough, I know! Will there be other folks there, besides her? Other family you like to see and don't have issues with? I'd focus on them; don't ignore her but do let yourself have plenty of catching up time with the others, or focus on playing with your daughter. Grandma cannot be changed, but your reaction to her is the only thing you can control here. If she moans through the dinner or after about the lack of turkey-and-trimmings, do not respond to it; I would smile at her and then turn to talk to someone else if she makes a little dig or complains aloud.

Next year, I'd plan at least one major holiday away from Grandma, totally. Go on a trip or spend the whole tiime with your family and see her a few days later; she will moan but if your husband's behind you, both of you can deal with her by not dealing with her. It sounds like she lives a little close for comfort, and she needs to get the idea that you are not obligated to see her on every single holiday at some point. Punishment? No. Sanity for you and a moan-free holiday? Yes.

If she persists and cries? Time for that great husband to have a talk with her. Not at the holidays -- they're too fraught with emotion. But at a calm time, not near a visit or a birthday or event.

Ask her to pay for the groceries, Just be honest.. She is just going to complain either way..

This way she gets the meal she envisions and will have something to complain about! It will please he to no and to have a new thing to complain and share with everyone.. Wink, wink..

Hate to tell you this, but my MIL is the same way and it got so bad.. Once our daughter turned 18, I told my husband and daughter, I wanted them to be close to her, but I was no longer going to deal with her. She insulted me by ignoring our daughters accomplishments and had the nerve to say I never allowed her to participate in our daughters life. .. If you can even imagine..

Anyway, it has been a long 30 + years with her neediness and wishy washy personality..

I am sending you strength.

Do what you want to do and she'll just have to deal with it. She is ridiculous.

I think you're doing just fine handling her. You're showing love and concern without letting her run over your boundaries.

The only suggestion I have would be to tell her what you're fixing for dinner but give her the choice of ordering and paying for a prepared big dinner from the store.

Let her sulk. How she feels is her choice. You continue to do what is best for you and your family.

You've gotten some good advice already, but whatever you decide to make, just be sure to put green peppers in *everything*. No, just kidding. Your MIL sounds like a winner. Just keep doing what you do and ignore her little passive/aggressive temper tantrum sulking hissy fits. Your husband has the right idea - let her sulk, but don't change your plans just to accommodate a spoilt child-like woman.

Umm - tell her to get her DAUGHTER to cook her big meal! Where's she been hiding? Under a rock?

Don't cave to this woman's unreasonable expectations because once you do, you'll have to do it forever or deal with her guilt trip when you don't do it her way.

Good luck, and try to keep the focus on the Christmas spirit and put YOUR immediate family first. Merry Christmas!

Wow. Just wow. You have handled this woman like a champ so far! Goodness.
When there is a post on Mamapedia about how to deal with a child's behavior issues, I am the first to push Jim Fay's Love and Logic books. And I am going to suggest them for you too. Not for your daughter at this point but FOR YOUR MIL!! Seriously. Setting boundaries with her is what you need to do (which sounds like what you have been doing already). I would give her two choices (that work for you) and let her decide. Such as would you like to pay for a big, huge dinner or have a big Mexican style dinner? That way, she can't complain. Giving choices, using natural consequences and setting limits is powerful and works for every age group. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I am so sorry to hear about your twin sons. God Bless.
A.

Well, if she wants a big huge dinner - SHE can pay for it.

You are feeding into her hysterics. You are being NICE. You are trying to accommodate her...you already know what she is like....so tell her that you will be more than happy to cook the huge meal she wants if SHE buys it.

She will probably take aim at this. So tell her FLAT OUT - it's either be happy with the meal YOU want to make or pay for what SHE wants.

When she mopes and sulks - ignore her. DO NOT follow her around saying "oooh I'm so sorry!!" or "what's the matter?" - just ignore her and go on with your life.

Your a very nice daughter inlaw. To bad she cannot enjoy what a gift you are. Make what you please, if she does not eat it.....oh well. She can be miserable all on her own Enjoy your daughter and husband on Christmas!

I am so impressed with the way you have handled your MIL thus far! Good for you! My MIL was narcisstic as well, right down to the inviting herself from four hours away for Mother's Day because it was "Her Day," oblivious to the fact that we all have mothers. Boy, and when she discovered that she and my mother shared the same birthday!!! DID not like that! One Christmas Eve she quietly side punched my mom in the abdomen without being provoked other than whatever was going on in her head. My mom didn't tell me until the next day. Previous to that event, my mom thought I had been exaggerating my MIL's escapades.

I never got the chance to establish firm boundaries like you and your husband have before she passed, and every holiday was an ordeal and all pleasure was sucked out. My MIL never would have gotten the message. Keep up the good work!

Do what you always do, mama. Fix her what you want to fix her, and leave out any green peppers period. If she decides not to eat it, don't eat it. Just ignore her complaints.

It is heartening to see that you don't cave in to her hystrionics. You labored and delivered your child without giving in to letting her come in. You didn't let her near the place when you lost the babies (I am so sorry!) You certainly didn't give in and not marry her son (I promise you, she looks like a real piece of work to anyone who she whined to about you stealing her son!)

Continue to ignore these pity parties and and scenes she tries to make. Do what you want, when you want it. I actually think you're already working too hard on the meal, but maybe all this is easy for you!

Dawn

Honestly, I would say you and your husband's mother are running neck in neck in the "pity party" department. If you don't have the time or energy to fix a turkey dinner, most grocery stores (not even the fancy expensive ones) make a whole dinner for a reasonable price.

My advice/suggestion: Take the high road

Blessings....

I totally agree with the poster before me that this is really about a woman who is persistently testing your boundaries. Don't give in to her sulking or whining. She has a pathology within herself and she ought to go to counseling or keep it to herself -- let her not drag you down with her, since, after all you are young and have children to raise (she is old and she is done with raising hers).

Your husband is right in telling her she needs to chill. Follow his lead and do your Mexican dinner. Happily offer her -- and if she does not want it happily walk away.

In time, it is inevitable that she will begin to be shut out of family activities, especially as your children age. Allow that to happen -- pretty soon, if she is smart, she'll get the message and she will change.

I have to say I dont know if I could have handled myself as well as you have thus far. A book that really helped me was Boundries by Henry Cloud. I think you are doing a great job with boundries. And you have been incredibley nice. My condolences for the loss of your twins as well. I hope you have a blessed Christmas and your Mother in law might grow up a little bit! God bless, M.

I don't know all the particulars, so this idea might be way off. But, people like this sometimes are happier with a bigger audience. Would it work to invite her to your family's Christmas Eve? Would there be more people, more food, more commotion to reduce the impact of her behaviors? It would then be one day, one meal, etc. Just a thought...

If THAT woman wants a big dinner let her reach in her pocket and pay for it.
In Holland we don't go to our parents for Christmas we see them on the 26th.
Try that next year.
It's easier to entertain a self centered person on the 26th than on Christmas.