Has Anyone Ever said"Shame on You" to You????

My mom is the only one that's ever said it to me that I can recall.
She still uses it on me now and then when she needs attention-- "shame on you for not spending more time with me" is the one I still get on occasion.

Not those words exactly....but I remember biting my tounge many times when we visited the inlaws....at least I vented to my husband...and he did not try to make excuses for his mother...just like you....I know what he went thru as a child being raised by them.

Your MIL needs to shut her big fat mouth and keep her big fat nose out of your business. Shame on her.

I have not had anyone say that to me. I can imagine, I would be angry. especially, if it was completely undeserved. I can't really form an opinion on what was said to you, because there is so much information being left out. If you did not deserve that, I can totally see how that would make you very angry. Perhaps, are you leaving it out...because, there was some truth? (I'm not assuming here, just a question.)

Your husband is an adult. What he consumes, is his choice. His mother forced him to do nothing. My sister WAS put first, and she is still an addict. Addicts are addicts, because they choose to be. People are addicts, because they are selfish among other things. I refuse to allow myself to make excuses for my sister, and will never believe she is an addict, because of anyone but her. Excuses enable addicts.

I say it if it needs to be said. And it has been said to me. I was righteously angry when it was said but looking back it was TOTALLY correct. Shame on me for doing what I was doing.
Unless you want to divulge what you did I don't know if it was deserved.
(alcoholism isn't your MIL's fault. It's your husbands. Too bad you want to make her responsible for it. He is also not selfish because of his mother. Putting the blame on someone else for HIS actions is sad.)
L.

The reason she said is it irrelevant? I would think if she was so unjustified in saying it, you would share what happened and everyone would agree with you.

Sometimes people do need to be called out on their actions. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own stuff that you put on blinders to everything else. There have been things that I have done that I probably should have been called out on. Others times I have been. Sometimes I was mad initially and realized I deserved it later. Other times I knew it immediately. Everyone else has done things they shouldn't have, as no one is perfect. If there is a valid reason, yes, call them out. It could end up saving a lot of people a bunch of heartache.

If you'd share the reason she said it, I may completely agree with you that it was uncalled for. But a blanket statement that no one should ever say shame on you? No, I don't agree with that.

I dont see the big deal with that phrase. its not much more meaningful than someone saying to "hush" or "how dare you" or "lightening strike you if youre lying". Its not like they can make it come true. you wont be "shamed" for the rest of your life beause they said it. When someone says "bite your tongue", you dont,,do you? What if they said, "oh drop dead" would you?

I ate a 2nd slice of pie and my husband said "shame on you". Id told him I wasnt going to eat it, and then I did. He was just calling me on my action,,no big deal. It was more of a loving "I understand" comment in my mind. I just dont get whats so upsetting about it.

My parents said that to me frequently. I have had adults tell me that a couple of times and it was difficult for me to ignore it. Hearing it took me back to my childhood.

What I've learned about shame on you and other judgmental phrases is to not take them personally. Let the words go over your head.

You handled this well. The next step is to remind yourself that it's just your mil and what she said means nothing to you.

One of my friends handled situations in which she wanted to say something back in retaliation by saying under her breath, "and may your pedigreed poodle have mutts." The picture these words engendered caused her to laugh and let go of what was said.

Later: Even when we do something wrong we should not be told "shame on you." Shame is the cause of much misbehavior. Children who are shamed are taught shame. When feeling shamed we have low self esteem and a negative character to live up/down to. The words are making a judgment on a person's character rather than on the act.

It's the words that are always wrong. When we don't like what someone has done we should be direct and say we don't like it.

After your SWH Paying the bill late is certainly not a reason to feel shame. I'd be upset with my husband for bringing his mother into it.

And I've done the same thing. It's really no big deal. Call the company and tell them the payment is in the mail. They'll not disconnect your electricity. The notice is just to get you to notice. They expect you to pay it so they won't have to disconnect the electricity.

I think if one did something shameful and showed no remorse or tried to blow it off and someone else called them on it by saying "shame on you", that would be perfectly acceptable. YOUR situation, however? Not so much. She's basically saying your administrative error is something to be "morally" ashamed about. Is she nuts? It was a clerical error (sure, there could have been serious ramifications and you'll probably be extra careful with bills in the future), but still, it was an error which was fixed and absolutely none of her business. It was YOUR mistake, YOU fixed it, problem solved. And what's up with your husband running to mommy over this? HE should be ashamed of his apron strings and SHE should be ashamed of her mama's boy.

OMG! A few weeks ago a COMPLETE STRANGER said this to me! I was sooo pi$$ed, to say the least! She was accusing me of something in a store parking lot and then further attacked my parenting b/c she didn't like my driving. The great part...she was the one at fault, I kept us from colliding and she had the nerve. Couldn't believe it. I told her to walk away from me. She kept talking. I told her if she didn't stop I'd call the police so she walked on, but kept talking. I then told her she could say whatever she wanted as long as she was walking away. Shame on me? Crazy lady! I'm getting irritated now just thinking about it. LOL

If someone ever said that to me, I would respond with, "No I don't accept the shame that you want to spread on me!"

I never thought anything of that phrase until I was in a group of friends and one lady said "Shame on me!" and another got very serious and said, "NO! Shame OFF of you! It's okay to feel convicted about something that you did and take responsibility, but shame only tears you down and keeps you from growing."

Now I take that phrase very seriously and don't ever want to "shame" anyone. As for my own life? I won't accept shame, but I will accept responsibility. We as human beings put too much shame on ourselves as it is without someone else saying "Shame on you".

I can't remember specifically. But I know I've used it. If someone is being mean, selfish, hurtful, of course. God gave us shame and guilt so that we will not like those feelings and have reason to change our ways. It's not a terrible thing. It's a good thing! If more people would get off their little self-appointed pedastals, we could get back to the basics and raise nice people to do nice things.

Don't take it so darn personally...I just read the SWH... You need to feel just a little guilt so you'll be on top of things next time. We all make those mistakes. Those gnarly feelings you are feeling right now, it's pride. We all struggle with that one and it's the one God hates the most.

Added after your SWH - M., give the bill paying to your husband and tell him that HE can pay the bills for the next 6 months because he went to his mother against you. That will make him think twice before he does it again.

Original:
Here's a nicer way to call your MIL out when she says something ugly like this to you - "...why behold you the mote that is in your brother's eye, but consider not the beam that is in your own eye?" It comes from the Bible. That's what she is doing, by the way.

It is amazing the people who are so flawed themselves, who will call someone else out, when they have done really rude, nasty things to others. Or they will just pretend that what they do is okay, when it isn't. And the people they are most nasty to, M.? The ones who SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM.

I'm sorry, but when you allow her to say this to you with no repercussions, you are enabling her to continue to treat you this way. You need to give her consequences to her behavior. Find a consequence you can live with.

Personally, I pull away from people who treat me like this. That's how I respond. I give plenty of chances, and if they continue to do it, that's it.

Find a way for her to learn what happens when she treats you badly. Perhaps not getting to see her grandson nearly as often will help. And don't make her wonder why. When she starts fussing at your consequence, tell her that when she can treat you with respect, you will rethink allowing her to spend more time around you.

Good luck,
Dawn

Maybe when I was 5 years old...but I can't think of another instance.

Sounds like there are a lot of issues with your hubby and your mom in law. She is in denial and she is passing the buck to you if you are standing up to dysfunction. I think you need to set her straight...but be kind. I believe that is what I would do in your situation. But you have to do it when you can remain rational and calm.

Good luck and best wishes!

M.:

I've had two people on this site PM and say "shame on you" - I consider the source and press on. Especially when they have this response and nothing else to say? Well???? That means you "won" and they have to hurl insults to make themselves feel better.

Sometimes you need to tell someone EXACTLY how you feel when they make stupid responses and comments. how did I respond? I chose not to. They wouldn't understand and it would just lead to more insults.

If you don't want to confront her - then don't. I do know that the longer you keep holding to it - you will blow up over something small and it will lead to a huge fight. If you can talk with her about your feelings - not so much that she said SHAME ON YOU - but the obvious disdain you have for this W. - you might find common ground.

Good luck

Not exactly. But I still remember when I was a child one of my little friends told me "you ought to be ashamed of yourself" for something, I don't even remember what when we were having a little fight over something childish. I'm sure we were no more than 7 or 8 years old. I thought it sounded like something her parents surely had said to her and it struck me as odd that she was lecturing to me like she was some kind of adult authority figure.

Yes. As a child, I felt the shame. As an adult, I did not choose to take the shame upon myself. They can wish it on you, but you decide whether to take it or go on with life.
I would say that the reason for the statement is irrelevant, I don't care. However, you can learn and take what they're trying to say without taking shame upon yourself. Does that make sense? Listen to hear if they have a point, and consider it, make changes if necessary. But you don't have to hang your head, feel sick about it, and not be able to look someone in the eye now. That's shame.

I had one experience with someone saying that and I slapped them across the face. That was the first and the last time they disrespected me like that. I DON'T recommend doing that--- I was very young and it was a long time ago---

I am sorry your MIL said that to you!!! Shame on HER for saying such disrespectful things! Hang in there~

M

Oh brother, my sister forgets to pay her phone bill on a regular basis. Even her electric bill. When the power is shut down, then she figures to go pay it. Her husband, is a very patient man, and doesn't say a thing to her. Tell your hubby not to run to mom when something minute such as this happens. My hubs does it too, and I tease him about it. "Did you run off to mommy to complain?"
Mother-in-law is an older woman and probably freaks out about the smallest things in life. Don't let her get to you. Keep the friendship with her, since it's this good.

I've been known to say "for shame" on occasion most often referring to myself. I have no problem with someone saying shame on you or you should be ashamed if the offense is worthy of shame (and I'm sure I have heard it I just can't remember a specific example). Like, if I walk by some lady who has dropped her wallet and I just completely ignore her instead of saying "Ma'am you dropped your wallet" and hand it to her then I should be ashamed of myself. If I don't pay the electric bill...yeah, not shameful...just forgetful.