Having Anxiety About Parents Getting "Older" How to Help?

Spend the time with them, so that when they go (in many years, and as we all do), you will feel that you have no regrets. When my father was diagnosed with his terminal cancer I made the commitment to myself that I would spend as much time as possible with my parents. He died recently, but I calculated (probably as a way to deal with the grief somewhat) that in those two years, I spent as much time with them as I would have in 16 years if I hadn't consciously made that effort. Use the time to help them get healthy (although no-one can do it but themselves!).

My mom is 70 and my hubbys mom is 84. We know they are getting closer and closer to meeting our maker, but then again we could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Life is life, dwelling on death is not healthy. We get old but none of us has an expiration date stamped on us. Just enjoy your time with your parents while they are here. Many of us will end up in the same place at the end for the most part. Make some scrapbooks with your mom while she's still alive, something you can leaf thru later and smile about when she's gone.

Mimi has a good idea. Serve healthier, vegetable based or vegetable heavy meals three times a day. Serve Fruit and nuts for snacks and desert. We switched to almond milk for DH's cholesterol, lactose intolerance and weight issues. We like it. The vanilla flavor is delicious. We both take vitamins, Co Q-10 and Fish oil. DH is finally serious about losing weight, since his knees and back started to hurt from the weight. He pushes away from the table when he is not yet full, about 3/4 full and drinks less beer. The weight is coming off.

Your parents are not very old at all. They are middle aged and will be with you for a long time if they choose. Encourage or insist that they take better care of themselves and find their purpose.

I am very close in age to your parents. 60 is young. They need a purpose in life; perhaps jobs, hobbies, a social life and intimate time together in their own home. Mental health professionals can help you sort this out along with doctors and nutritionists.

Sixty is quite young. I realize there are health problems but perhaps getting them involved in something outside of the house. Do they work? They aren't even eligible for social security yet. Technically, they aren't even senior citizens. Perhaps a doctor could refer them to some programs either for depression or managing pain, if that is an issue. But they are young. I'm 49 and I do think about being gone from this world - you do have the realization as you get older that you are on the downward slide. And time does seem to go faster as you get older. Do your parents have friends their age? That might help to. It also might be good for them to volunteer and get involved in something outside of their daily issues, if they are able. Good-luck.

Hi K.,

I agree with the other moms...breath. I went through the same thing for a short time and then I took action. The difference is my parents were much older. My mom had been diagnosed with everything older people are diagnosed with and my diabetic Dad had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. (The doctor tried to tell me that my Mom had it too.)

I began researching things to get them healthIER and ended up getting them healTHY! Most diagnoses are a product of our lifestyles and they can be changed. My Mom and Dad were 82 when we started working to get them better. They were completely home bound and feeling lousy....within months they were in an RV travelling to Orlando and camping! My almost son-in-law, at age 20, was diagnosed with HBP. We have reversed it and he is perfectly fine now. I can go on and on about what CAN be done.

My Mom passed away at age 87 but had told me that the last few years of her life she felt better than she did when she was 30. She thanked me for giving her life back to her...We had SO much fun! She grumbled at first because her routine changed but that thank you was worth every little complaint she had. My Dad, although not mobile anymore, is 92 and healthy. You can't control the future but you can make it easier and healthier....

Please don't panic. I don't know about you but I only panic when I have NO control over the situation. Ultimately, life and death is in God's hands and His timing but He never intended us to live the last years of our lives feeling miserable and unhealthy. There are things you can do without turning your life upside down. If you are interested at all, PM me and I'll go into more detail.

God bless,
M.

Hi K.:
I am caring for my Mom who is 94, she is on hospice and not expected to live more than a few months. This is not easy I believe my Mom has been suffering from depression for many years but doesn't listen. I talked and tried to get my Mom to join activities at the Senior Center in town to no avail. The best thing you can do for your parents is to get them MOVING and INVOLVED.
60 is still young, I'm 56 and I'm not slowing down at all. But it's all about ATTITUDE. If they want to sit and have a pity party they will. Their health issuses are not that bad and can have a rich and enjoyable life at their age.
One thing I will tell you though is to get them to take out a long term care policy for both of them. Medicare does not pay for assisted living or nursing home care. Assisted living costs about $2500/ month and a nursing home will cost $5000/ month. If you and your family are living in their home and the deed is in their name and they go into a facility you could become homeless. These facilities do a bank draft on the money they have in the bank and slowly take all the money they have worked all of their lives to save. Once the money is gone they do a reverse mortgage on the house and when all the money is gone they sell the home to re-coup their expenses. Then and only then does state medical assistance pay for them to live in a facility.
You have your work cut out for you get them some help to treat their depression and get them involved in activities and get them to take out long term care insurance.

Nobody knows the day or the hour of their death. In spite of doctors predictions very overweight people can live a long life. Someone who has high blood pressure will respond to medication.
I worried like you about my grandfather. He lived to be 96. My mother who smokes a pack a day is very healthy. Her cataracts were removed two years ago and she sees very well again.
You mother is depressed not ill. She is grieving. Rent funny movies, get out and walk with her often. Become a sugar free, cookie free, no dessert household. Everyones health will improve.

I know what you mean. My parents are in their mid 60's and have had some health issues recently. It is scary to think about loosing parents. On the other hand my mom's mom is 90 and still doing okay for her age. I'd encourage you to talk to you mom about getting treatment for depression. It is common when people develop health problems but is still treatable (I'm in the mental health field). Maybe a nutritionist could help your dad?

Okay take a deep breath.
I completely understand and both of my parents have major health issues.
My advice is to just spend time with them. Enjoy their company. Don't think of the future or what could happen. Take it one day at a time.
Do things for them/with them that make them happy. Research thryoid issues and what you can do for her. (ask her doctor?)
Can you make healthier choice meals for your dad? Tasty ones but better versions of what he likes? And don't tell him that you're making them healtheir or lower in calories.
Can you take your mom on little drives?
What are her favorite things? Does she like movies? Rent her favorite one. Buy her inexpensive flowers.
You say she lives w/you....buy her some cute toiletries. Let her watch her fave tv shows. Honestly...getting her out to sight see might be the best. When you're depressed, it is hard to get off that "train"...you don't want to do ANYTHING but I say try EVERYTHING to help her.
In regards to travel...start small: 30 mins drives, drive around a lake, go for an hour drive somewhere, get out for lunch?
Ask your dad if he will accompany you on a short/quick walk. Start w/a 15 mins stroll. You can always make it a little longer later when you know his body can do it.
Treat him to his favorite book/magazine.
Check out books for them from your library.
Don't allow yourself to think of them not being here. Just enjoy them everyday and start to take small steps every day to enjoy their company.
Much love to you and your family!!!!

I commend you, K., both for caring for your parents in your home and for caring about your parents. I read so many posts about horrible parents and even more horrible in-laws that, in spite of the problems, your post is a breath of fresh air!

You have some good answers already. Nutrition is very important. So is any sort of exercise they can do. Do they go outside much? Get them out of the house! With you, of course. (When my mama was living, I couldn't do much for her because I lived several hundred miles away, but when I was able to visit I'd get her into the car and we'd just go driving around. She would sometimes say that it was nice to see the world outside her four walls - even if we were just going to the grocery store!)

You're in touch with your parents' doctors. Stay in touch. Don't be afraid to ask them the questions you're asking here.

Think about how to help your folks and direct them in the right ways without seeming to "manage" them.

As has been said, let your parents know you love them! Every day, every hour, let them know how valuable they are. Don't assume they know.

Depression is RAMPANT among older people. If you use your imagination and put yourself in their shoes, you can start to understand why. And physical exhaustion can be a component of depression. So the conversation you had - that might have been the depression speaking, not really your mom.

Is there some sort of senior center near you? Perhaps you can get your folks to investigate some of the activities (you go with them), so they might find some new interests or dust off some old ones... AND meet other people their age. Friends can help a whole lot. And it will help you, too, because you'll be able to meet the people who run the senior center, and you can pick their brains.

I'm older than your parents are, K., and I hope that, when I need it, my children will be there for me the way you are for your mother and dad.

It sounds like both of your parents are suffering from treatable conditions. Depression and obesity, not old age. In the end, only they can decide to get medical help and take steps to overcome these. I'm sure with them living with you, you feel extra responsible for their health and well-being. But they are adults and need to take responsibility for themselves.

As I was married to a man with chronic depression, high blood pressure, obesity, etc. I know that you can talk until you are "blue in the face" about how you care about them and want them to be around for a long time and you want them to be able to enjoy life.... Unless they decide to take action, you are wasting your breath and your energy.

You could try the "tough love" approach, as in "Get help or else!". Or you can just enjoy having them with you for now.

Hi K. - I know exactly what you are going through because I have been a Sandwich Generation Mom for 10 years, taking care of my Dad for several years and now caring for my mom who is on a feeding tube and lives with us.

My best advice is to take one day at a time and try not to worry about things that are not yet happening. The other gals have given you a lot of good information about spending time and making sure they are on the best track health wise.

Should you find yourself providing more hands on care for them, you also need to make sure you are scheduling time for yourself as well. Caregiver burnout is no fun. If you need more information on balancing this load, I invite you to check out my blog at http://www.simplysandwich.net.

Hang in there K.!! :)