He Says I'm More than Important!!!

Dear C.,

I can see why your friend would say that you are more than important to him, you are a fine, serious, thoughtful, and loving person. But, you need to calm down and watch, listen, and think about the new relationship. You will slowly learn to know him, and then you will make your decision, during all of this watching, listening, and thinking, God will guide you. Continue your praying, and begin to rely upon God. He will be by your side, but you have to cooperate. A few years ago I teased my family and told them that they needed to learn a new word that I 'invented' - Co operation - meaning to work together, operate together. Of course they did not really listen, but I liked it so much that I started trying to cooperate more. So you need to Co operate with God, he will not let you down, but your part will be to be careful and listen and, as I said twice before, watch. The admonition to be watchful is in the Bible, I can't remember where, but it is there, so you do that too. That way you can make the right decision when the time comes, if it does for your relationship with this fellow.

Remember, men are different than we are, they are not as concerned with the goings on of their family as we are. It is just the way that God made us and 'them'. You don't want another woman, you want a man as a companion, so let him be one, but still be careful.
I hope that this hasn't been too long. C. N.

C.,

I am very happy to hear that you've escaped and survived an abusive marriage. That shows that you have the strength you and your children need. It also means that you might not be the best judge in character...I assume...and I hope that since you left, you've dealt with whatever drew you to your abuser in the first place.

Now, I don't mean to be the party pooper, but you wrote something that turned my excitement for you into a red flag...so, to be the "devil's advocate" or the "voice of reason", if you will, please allow me to caution you that if your friend (and I DO hope that it has a happy ending, believe me!!) cares/d for you as you are hoping...he would have called and checked up on how your mediation went. Okay, so maybe that's not his style, you say....but wouldn't you want someone who cares enough TO call?

My grandmother (and Oprah) have a saying, "Doubt means Don't", and I agree.

She also told me that when you are asking for advice, you generally are just asking for permission...you already know the answer and what you want to do. So, I think that 'something' is making you question whether or not this guy is "for real". Take your time with this...yes, he's been your friend, but there are things about him that are "red flag"ing you, listen to your gut.

Did it ever occur to you that if you relaxed and did, in fact, let God take the reins, He would bring you the very person you are looking for...and you wouldn't even ask "is he the one"?

I had a friend, when I was single, who told me that he LOVED...I was thrilled, because I wanted him to be "the one"...but he loved me as a friend and I was more than important to him...and then, I met my husband and I KNEW I had found the man that God had sent for me...so, please just take a breath, don't let lonliness, or whatever, make you do anything rash. :)

I DO wish you happiness and peace.

Hi C.,

My husband and I have gone round and round about this issue. Finally I believed him when he told me that men are pretty simple. If you need more support from him -- tell him. It's not as nice as having him "just know" that's what you need. After all, a woman would know. But men are different.

As far as being a single mom with 3 kids, your guy knows you have kids and he's STILL interested. Sounds like God sent him as special gift just for you. Give it a try. No pain, no gain!

Good luck!
V.

Please wait - - - give yourself a little more time - I ended up in the same situation about 8 months ago - my ex and I split 4 years ago - went to court, tried mediation - it just keeps dragging on and it destroyed my new relationship. Now I am pregnant with my ex-fiancees baby...

You need to get to a point where you are not so emotionally needy and although you have been separated for a long time - the divorce process hasn't been over for a long time. Give yourself some more time to heal so that when you do bring a new person into your life you will feel strong enough to really enjoy it...

My fiancee has 4 kids who are now grown - he knew what he was getting into and it still blew up in my face.

Good luck.... Keep your children first!!!!!

I will pray for you! I would also talk to your children and see how they feel about you dating again. If they are not ready or they don't like the guy you might be setting your self up for lots of extra stress. I don't think children should make adult choices but, I do think that we need to take their feelings into account before we choose to change their lives! Good Luck to You! And God Bless!

First let me say Congrats! for the many good choices you are making. Putting God's will before yours is hard enough when relational temptations don't need to be considered.

As for the advice part; I can only tell you the same thing I tell my friend that is divored with 3 children. Until your children are grown, they need to be your priority. Biblically speaking, if you marry, the order of the family is God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, HUSBAND, yourself, THEN you children. If you are not ready to put your children that far down on the list, then I would recommend staying single... At least for now. PLEASE, date, have fun, enjoy being a SINGLE woman. If it's meant to be, you WILL! know. God will not allow you to walk away from what he has planned for you.

Ask him to spend time with you and your children, and your family, AS A FRIEND. I know it's hard to imagine living the next several years as a single woman. (I don't know that I would be able to without a lot of encouragement.) I'm not saying that your kids have to be 18 before you get married or start dating, just that YOU need to be prepared to put them at the bottom of the list.

I hope I don't sound too discouraging. I can't imagine dating after children! Then again, I can't imagine life with out my hubby! Thankfully, I found a good one!

Take care, and when I think of it, I'll pray for God to guide your heart and gaurd your mind. I will also say The Prayer of the Ephesians for your exhusband. Chances are, since he was abusive, he can use it! (Eph. 3:14-19) Many blessings, ~J

Dear C.,
You are a stronger woman than I. I have yet to be successful at leaving my marriage. I have been married 12 yrs. Over the yrs my husband has been physically, verbally, isolating, and emotionally abusive. Currently he is isolating, and emotionally abusive. He hasn't been physically or verbally abusive for about 2 yrs. I have left many times, but the loneliness gets me everytime. I have no support system or family in the same state that I live in. I think that is very important when it comes to being successful at leaving the relationship. GOOD JOB for leaving!
As for the new guy in your life. I would take it real slow. Also he may be taking it slow and waiting for you to be done with all your court procedings. He probably knows that you have a lot on your plate right now. Also, My mother met my dad when I was four and he had never been married or had any kids. He has always treated me like his own. In my heart he is my dad. Just because he doesn't have kids doesn't mean he can't be a wonderful role model for your kids.
Good Luck!
K. F

Dear C.,

Your story sounds very similar to mine. At the age of 20, I was a single mother of a beautiful little girl. I was going to through a yucky divorce as well. That year, I became reaquainted with an old friend and 11 years later, we are married, just had another baby and happy, happy, happy. He was young, never been married but fell in love with my 1 year old. I was leary at first because I didn't want to let just anyone into my daughter's life, so he really had to prove to me that he was serious. And trust me, a single man w/o kids does not hang around women with children unless they are open to the idea of an instant family!

At first, my husband also seemed to try to avoid conversations about my divorce and I mistook that for not caring. Later, I found out it was because he felt helpless, angry, didn't know want to further complicate the situation and didn't know how he could help. I know you're going through a hard time right now, but remember that you need to be open, honest and really clear about what you need from him. Don't make any assumptions and hopefully, he will come through for you. I thank God daily for sending my husband into my life. It's been a long journey, but I've learned a lot and I know that I'm truly grateful for everything I have now!

Best wishes,
D.

MamaC,
I was so overjoyed to read your post. I think a single mom has such a tough job! I have friends that are single moms, it reminds me that I really can't complain :) I also know single moms who do the dating thing alot and have just floated from one relationship to the next. However, you see and understand that God will bring the right person into your life; you don't have to chase after it. This will be a blessing to you and your kids! Who knows? Maybe it will turn into more, continue to take it slow and see. If it is God's will, he will make it clear to you and your children. Take care, I'm praying for you tonight girl!
R.

Hi C.,

I always pray to Saint Joseph foster father of our Lord Jesus, and the most chaste spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God, for all the single parents; for someone special to come into the their lives and the lives of their children. No one can give you the answer, but if it is meant to be, may Gods Will Be Done. I will continue to pray for all. God Bless!

How exciting for you. A new romance. I totally understand your concerns. Does he know God too? My husband doesn't really. It's been really tough, and I knew it would be. I have teen daughter who took a long time to get used to him. We lived together for finance reasons several months before we got married, but I would advise against it to anyone. Do your kids like him? It's a big plus if they do. Don't listen to anything that would want you to rush. Only the devil wants us to rush. Take your time. Let God guide you. Pray to be the wife and mother God wants you to be. Pray for him to be the husband God wants him to be. A good measure would be to date at least a year before any serious talk of marriage. I'll be praying for you.

Hello C.:
This is beautiful for you. The fact that you are aware you are needy due to the divorce process is very good. However in order to keep your current relationship surrounded by light and love, do not demand or expect your boyfriend to be involved at all with the divorce. It needs to remain "your thing" not both of yours. It isn't fair to him to expect him to be your sounding board for your divorce issues. He is there for you and your children. Allow this relationship to be beautiful and full of light. Trust him with the trust of a child.
Many blessings,
C.