Help! - Napa, CA

Whether or not the son was out of line, why was the boy not allowed in the house after the "accident", bloody nose, and the rain? You would think that the father would be a little more sympathetic after "accidentally" colliding his fist to his child's face. Hmmm...something doesn't quite add up.

For now see what the mom has to say but put her on otice that you will not tolerate a child being abused. Let the boy know that he has a safe place with you at any time even in the middle of the night. Next time call the police.

Call Child Protective Services ASAP. If his father is willing to hit him and let the neighbors see it then he's probably doing more than that in private.

I would definitely contact the police, but it's best when you simply state what you "observed" rather than what you "think" might have happened. Try to remember the specifics of what the child told you the entire time he was with you, what the mother said (if anything at all), the child's reaction to the mother when she was at your house, etc. Let the authorities get into the details about it.

And, if you feel comfortable doing so, have the mother over for a non-confrontational coffee chat or something. The more she feels you are neighbors who CARE about what's going on in their lives rather than only being interested in their troubles, the more she may feel comfortable in being honest if there really is a problem.

We are involved in the Neighborhood Watch program in our neighborhood & the police have always told us that they always advocate being a "nosy" neighbor. It is always a good thing to be observant of the who, the what, the when, etc. of what's going on in the neighborhood. Not to be judgmental, but to help aid the authorities in keeping the peace, keeping them apprised of unusual or dangerous activity, etc. It is a benefit to everyone when people are involved neighbors rather than isolated neighbors.

M.,

Please call CPS. The longer this child is left with no one to talk to, the more he will feel like it was OKAY. Please please call ASAP. Next time could be worse than a bloody nose.

AFTER READING MORE RESPONSES:

It's pretty clear that some people/parents are not stable enough to raise natural children much less foster kids. A CPS interview is not the most pleasant experience, if your neighbors have nothing to hide it will be OK.

You might consider having another talk with the mother to let her know that you are not only conerned about the child, but her as well.

Blessings...

Dear M.,

It does not matter if you THINK this is the first time the child has been abused. Giving a child a bloody nose and turning him out of the house is ABUSE and neglect. I suspect the mother and any other children in the family are afraid of this man.

Many abusers act like Ward Clever in public and Attila The Hun in private. I haven’t heard the term “cuff” in many years. I do believe that a parent has the right to discipline their children, but not by giving them a bloody nose. Both mother and child could be in immediate danger.

It is good of you and your husband to offer your home as a “cooling off “ place, but I’m not sure this is the best decision; the next altercation could be between your husband and Attila. In this case, I would contact CPS.

In doing so, this may end the friendship, but for the safety of the child and perhaps the mother, I would make the call.

Blessings….

Call Child Protective Services (CPS)immediately. You can get their number from 411. You can make the report anonymously if you wish, but because he came to your home, they may guess who made the report. You are only reporting a suspicion, you are not the investigator. If you're wrong you can't get into trouble, or if the boy lied, he can explain it to them. I dobut this is isolated. He reached out to you for help, please respond to his needs. T.

I would have called CPS.

Report it to CPS. N.

Hi M.,
You need to call CPS. It is their job to investigate, not yours. Waiting to find out more or talking to his parents really just gives an abusive situation time to get worse, and gives them more time to intimidate him into denying when he is interviewed. if this is an isolated incident, as you believe, CPS will just offer them services like counseling and parenting classes, but this little boy asked you for help.

The number for CPS in Sacramento is ###-###-####. You don't have to leave your name to make a report.

That's such a difficult situation. You probably have a pretty good idea of what the family is like as a whole, and if it's not overly abusive then it might be better NOT to report the incident. Tearing a family apart and putting a kid in foster care is often worse than their current situation.

A 15 year old kid I know said that his father hit him on occasion. I've also known that father to be somewhat verbally abusive. But there are a lot of positive things those parents do as well, and I know that his situation, while not great, is better than if he were to end up in foster care. Therefore I just told him that what his father was doing is wrong, to give him some support. In a few years he will be out of the household.

I just looked at everyone else's response, and they are all telling you to call the police. It's such a tough call -- I definitely don't believe in letting a child be abused, but a sad reality is that many children don't have great parents, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. If the situation is not extreme, all that might be accomplished is that the child can never again turn to you for help. Make your best judgment about the situation.

Call CPS. Make sure it is an isolated incident by assuring the proper punishment. If you dont, the boy will think this is acceptable behaviour and WILL follow suit. At least he, the boy, needs to know this is a punishable offense. And, he needs to know he will be protected. He needs to feel safe. Cal;l. Dont hesitate. CPS will handle it professionally and without using your name.

I second what everyone else said - call the police now!! It is not ok for the dad to be doing this regardless of what the boy did.

Please be an advocate for this little guy! It is very doubtful that anyone in his family will call the police.

M.,

You need to call the Police. Make a statement "on record" of what you've witnessed. This can be the "something" that could help this boy later.

The family might not call, for obvious reasons, but this boy needs help!

Hopefully his school will notice something, too.

Call right now, M.!!!

~N.

I would be VERY concerned that mom is trying to cover for dad. You don't get a bloody nose easily and if it's an accident, CPS SHOULD be trained to tell the difference. Yes, mom is a mandatory reporter, but other factors enter in when it's your child. I am trained, but not currently practicing, as a school psychologist. I have been told I remain a mandatory reporter, but others say it depends on what my role is (for example if I'm working again with children). If it is a neighbor's child, I would report (and I have done so before when a neighbor left her 4 year old outside in the rain crying to come in for a half an hour because he had done something wrong), but not because I'm a mandatory reporter. I would do it because it's the right thing to do. Your relationship with your neighbors is already at risk; don't put the child's safety at risk, too. A lot of people are experiencing extreme stress with the current housing crisis and financial meltdown and need help. If your neighbor's incident was an accident, great. If it's a family in distress that needs help to keep from hurting their child(ren), CPS can direct them to appropriate resources for help and protect the children.

S.

I'd go with what the child said. It's better to be safe than sorry and you can call in anonymously.

Call child protective services! It is their job to investigate and determine whether this is a one time incident and determine what to do to best help the child. They are neither rash nor hasty about removing kids.

I would call CPS right away, even if this was just an isolated incident Dad needs a huge wake up call. If it's not an isolated incident you might just save the boys life.

M.,

I would take the child's word for it and call the authorities as soon as possible. Better safe than sorry.

CM

Hi M.,

As a police officer for 11+ years, you need to call the police. We would rather come out for "nothing" or a minor event than not come out until it is too late! Please call right now.

J.

Hi M. -

You need to report this to the police. Any parent who loses it to the extent of causing physical harm to a child -- and then locks him out of the house -- is out of control. And, it will likely happen again.

Save a child. Call the police.

Best,

J.

I agree, call CPS ASAP... Good luck, and keep us posted!

Please call CPS or the police. It is not your job to do any investigating that is their job. I know people mentioned that it is not nice to have CPS involved but it is also not nice to hit your child. It is the job of CPS to determine whether or not this is a one time incident or something ongoing. Please please do not wait. This child came to you for help.

Call the police and CPS ASAP!

I am not sure what "cuff" means, but unless it was very very accidental, it is absolutely a reportable incident. It is hard and awkward, but one never knows what is going on behind those doors of all families. You can place an anonymous call and just let them know...unless it really was an accident.

So sorry everyone is having to go through this! Ultimately we just want the kids to be safe and the families to have any/all help they need.

Talk to the mother there might be some domestic violence going on and the son might have tried to help his mom getting caught in the cross fire. Call a crisis center ask for some tips on what to look for and how to talk to her and her son. Keep track of the date that this incident occured and by all means call CPS and/or the police you can keep youself anonymous but this child needs help and obviously he trust your family and I'm sure this wasn't an isolated incident.
We work in LE and see this type of thing all the time...this isn't the first incident and won't be the last unless the family gets help.

I know it may seem extreme, but I would call and tell the police. You really have no way of knowing if it's 'an isolated incident' or not, and informing the authorities will take a load off your mind. They will look into it, and if it seems isolated to them, that will be the end of it, but there will be a record, should anything come up in the future.