Help - Maywood, IL

Move on with your life for just you and your kids. Why would he want to get married when he doesn't need to? If you move in together, it's most likely not going to happen in spite of what he says. Think of yourself and your kids first,do what's best for yourself and your kids first, maybe he'll figure it out someday, hopefully, but maybe not. Focus on you, you be the boss in this, you tell him what's up and what you want to happen, if he doesn't like it, then move on. Sounds like you're strong in your faith,go with that and be strong with yourself. You can't just get rid of him, he is always going to be a part of your life, he is the father of your children BUT you can decide how you want your relationship to be. We have the choice of the type of person we want to be with, we are strong women and we do not need to sit around and wait, we make our own choices. You have gotten two children from the relationship, that's pretty special. I'm sure it's hard but do what's best and be strong. Relationships are not easy and we all make mistakes, it's what we do with them that counts. Do we keep making the same mistake over and over? Or do we learn and move on? My mom always says, "the only mistakes we make are those that we do not learn from." Be strong and God Bless. Try to stop feeling bad and stand up tall, I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Congratulations on the new baby. :)

You need to forgive yourself and move on. You also need to make sure that this man is going to take responsibility for his children whether or not he marries you. He seems like a user from your description. (that is, he is interested in you only for the wrong reasons, etc.) You can talk to social services or a lawyer to see what your options are. You are a strong woman and have to build a life for yourself and children, but he is also financially responsible.
By the way, if you find it difficult to say no when it comes to sex your might take the precaution of getting birth control. It is better to be safe then sorry. Yes you have a new blessing on the way but that is not something you need to keep repeating. Best of luck.

Dear Rolanda,

Thank you for sharing. This must be a difficult situation for you. First, remember that while God is a holy God, he is also a loving and forgiving father. You are clearly sorry for the mistakes you have made and God has said that he will forgive us all of our sins when we confess them.

Second, I think it is important that you only marry your children's father if you both love each other and are prepared to be committed to each other for all of your lives. Getting married will not "fix" past mistakes and if that is the only reason for the marriage, I worry that you may have a very difficult marriage.

I pray that God will give you wisdom as you make this difficult decision and that God will guide all of your paths, providing all of your needs according to his riches in glory.

ok - i'm going to be blunt here. Let's leave God and morality out of this and think about what is best for you and your children. First of all, birth control - (duh) USE IT. Secondly, does this man have the qualities you would want in a husband? Doesn't sound like it to me. He is your children's father and there's nothing you can do to change that. Make him take responsibility. Is he supporting your children. If he were any kind of a decent man he would be supporting his children whether there is a court order for child support or not. Then you have to decide if you are in love with him and IF HE IS WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE. Maybe when some of the legal iissues have been addressed and you have enough to live on you won't be so desperate to marry him just because he fathered your children. I'm sorry I have so little sympathy for your situation but it seems from your post that YOU are not in charge of your life. You're a mother now and it's time to step up to the plate and be in charge of your own decisions.

Rolanda,

First of all...don't be so hard on yourself! God loves you unconditionally. Do you think anybody in this world is perfect? We all make mistakes every day and if anyone is going to sit back and judge you they're not worth your time or worry. Doesn't the Bible also say we are not to judge? Listen, I believe you need to focus on your beautiful children and don't worry about their father. Focus on loving them and raising them to be strong, confident children. Don't keep focusing on your mistakes. God forgives you - now you need to forgive yourself. I'm sorry the father of your children is being so irresponsible. I personally don't think you should give him an option of living with you until you're married. He seems to be taking advantage of that whole idea. I would be worried that if he did finally marry you - would he stick around? Sounds like he has commitment issues. You need to remind yourself of your worth and then set your standards higher for a man who will treat you right! In the meantime...enjoy your children. Focus on them - don't worry about anything else. I have a book that really helped me and changed some things. It's The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. She also wrote The Power of a Praying Mom and others. You'd be amazed how well it works. Read it if you get a chance. It helps to put things in perspective and helps you to worry less. I hope everything works out for you.

pray about it. God knows we are not perfect....none are except for His son.....Babies are a blessing from God. There are so many women that want to have babies but can't. What happened happened. God has blessed your womb and now you must be stress free to prepare for a healthy baby. Nothing happens by accident. O.k...you (in your opinon) messed up....is your main focus what God thinks about you or how people will look at you? God forgives...and if you have a relationship with him, you are his child and he knows your heart. But people...who are they? How many of these people are clothing your baby? Buying pampers and food? Maternity clothes? And you're stressed over opinions from inperfect people? Yes they are imperfect too and have done things that they are embarrassed about as well. But guess what....life goes on and in the end God is still good.

About the children's dad though, you need to reevaluate that situation and find out if He is really the one for you. Is he the one to be your husband (sent by God) or are you two just good sex mates. Noone knows him like you....but think long and hard on that and pray on it too.

You will be surprised as to how many SAVED women have been in your shoes. I had a baby at 19 by the drummer in my church with no support from him or his family. After that I became totally devoted to God and my church. I was over the youth, a Sunday school teacher, choir member, tither and anything else called upon. I was also pregnant again at 21 and totally embarrased. I speak to you from experience. Yes it is hard when you (think) are in the public eye but the reality of it all is that people got more to deal with than just your business. I put my chin up and kept moving. I made my peace with God...I owed noone else an explanation. Just when I stopped focusing on the minor things that I thought were all so important God sent me a husband and a father to my children and I have been happily married for 8 years.

God Bless your womb sweetie. Thank Him for that. Don't curse your blessing. Be encouraged. If you need to talk...drop me a line.

Rolanda,

I'm so sorry for the confusion you're having. You were on a strong track, and now you feel like you're taking a big detour. It sounds like your boyfriend might not ever be able to be a man and support his children and you. So you need to follow your heart and do the wisest thing for yourself and your child. You sound like a smart and responsible woman, so it's time to forgive yourself and put your energy into your future.

I don't know if you've considered placing this second child for adoption, but there are hundreds of parents out there who are praying for a baby to adopt and love. If you need more information on this, email me and I can give you many resources. (I adopted my 4 1/2 year old daughter--we have an open adoption and are very close with her birthmom.)

Hugs to you,

S.

Many churches have counseling. If you are comfortable with your pastor, you might want to ask. I wouldn't worry too much about what others think. Most of the time people are too busy in their own lives to really focus all that much on yours. Also, god gives life and so you now have two gifts from God to cherish and love and probably the best thing you can do for them and yourself is to love yourself as god does, to forgive yourself as god does and to move on to live the best life you can. Work out what is best for you and your children. You shouldn't marry someone who is unsure. Clearly, your boyfriend will in some way be involved as he is father to two children but you need to work out what YOU need and then build the live for your family yourself. For the sake of your children, you should make sure that you are getting the right amount of child support if marriage is not the course you take. But take it one day at a time and think through what is important to you. Children are such a blessing and they need their mom to be kind to them and kind to herself. Good Luck.

Rolanda while I have two children from a first marriage, I wasn't able to have any with my husband now of thirteen years.I guess I'm still not to terms with it. I thought it would be easy and have spent many a night crying. It is hard to raise childen with or without a spouse,but I envy you-even though it doesn't feel like the right time it is. God gave you this baby. There are no accidents. Perhaps there is nothing you should do about the man who fathered this child. He has his own conscience to live with. The other women are giving wonderful advise. Nowadays we aren't walking around in shame but people are helping and celebrating births of babies. May yours become another joy in your life. You sound like a good mama. What a gift from God!You did do fine. And you will. What a nice lady you sound like.S.

Hi Rolanda~
I am not really sure what to say but I wanted you to know that regardless of your situation, you are still a child of God.
We all sin- and that is the beauty of the love of the Father- He takes us back especially when we least deserve it.
I know you are concerned b/c of what others will think of you and what has happened but the real lesson will be how you lean on your faith during this time. I think if you stay true to your faith and who you are, you will be a good example to others.
I saw this on a church bulletin board and it has always stuck with me . . . "Church is not a museum for the saints, it is a hospital for the broken."
Aren't we blessed to have a loving God who can help us to get "healthy" again?
Keep your head up, girl. I know everything looks grim right now but this too shall pass.
Blessings,
D.

rolanda everyone stumbles, and thankfully you are going to be blessed with another child, as hard as it is for you to think of what other think, as a christian myself i love you and can't judge you. this is probaly the time to speak to someone you trust at your church or your pastor. and let them know how you are struggling, and ask what they can do to help you. and let this man know he can't continue to string you along and place sin in your relationship with christ. because by continuing to string you along he is angering god. because i can tell in your letter that you love god and are trying to obey and this man bring temptation and sin into your life. and anything that comes between you and god is sin. and needs to be cut out of your life. you are in my prayers and i pray that as God usually does, he will make a miracle of your situation. please feel free to e-mail me at any time ____@____.com
god bless you!

Congratulations! The only way to disappoint God is to treat this baby as a burden or mistake. Don't forget, He gave you the baby because He knew you could handle this. You need to explain your fears and beliefs to your baby's father. If he does not marry you, then he is not the man for you. You need to let him know that he needs to marry you before this baby is born. If he won't do this for you after you've carried two of his children he is scum and God will deal with him in His own time. Do not let him near you again if he doesn't man up. He will just keep doing the same thing over and over. Good luck hon. Let me know if you need to talk.

Rolanda,

Our God is a merciful God! I thank God for you and your
babies! No one can answer that question for you. It sounds like you fell prey to the "happily ever after" syndrome.
Marriage is not a cure all or solution to your circumstance. I pray that very soon you realize your value
and your worth. You are a highly favored heir to our God.
Whatever decision you make please understand that it impacts your children and your children's children's future.

He's not going to committ if he doesn't have to.
Yes, God does say that it is best for a man and a woman to be married before engaging in a physical relationship. In this day and age, it makes even more sense as the consequences for unprotected sex can be deadly. You made a decision to be with him without protection. Your children are not a mistake they are a blessing. You have to ask God for and believe in His forgiveness. The young people you were mentoring, you have to be honest with and let them know, there are consequences for every decision you make. If you children's father is not trying to live his life in accordance to God's will, you have to move on. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, because you keep sticking around. Just because he is the father of your children, doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Getting married because you are pregnant is the worse reason in the world. You will always be involved with this man because you have children together. But, God may have another plan for your life that is seperate from him. Let him know if must committ to his relationship with God and with you or you are leaving and mean it. He will either do the right thing or he won't. You may have to be seperate from him for awhile for him to get himself together. Some men take along time to grow up. Be blessed and keep leaning on the Lord.

Sorry, Rolanda, but you're no victim in all of this. First off, you're saying "another baby here out of wedlock". I take it this has happened before. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...you know the rest.

Second, you set a boundary with this guy too late and you know it: "Before I really stopped him something did happen". Having sex doesn't just "happen". (I won't be so presumptuous as to assume whether you and this man used birth control.) As a consenting adult, you made a conscious decision to lay with this fellow. Believe me, I'm not defending him - he doesn't sound like that great of a prize IMHO. I'm just saying, you played a role in this series of events, so the best thing you can do now is take responsibility for your own actions and then move forward.

You might find it helpful to focus less on what G-d and the community think and more on what you can do for yourself. Get a ring and a date out of this guy. Talk with a counselor or an attorney regarding his legal responsibilities. Talk with your pastor. Pray about it, then move your feet.

My advice isn't the soft and squishy stuff for which you were probably looking; however, you did ask for feedback so here it is. Good luck.

Ok, fair warning, this may sound harsh...
First off, if he has not been paying support for the child you already have, you need to go talk to a lawyer NOW to get him to start. If you keep believing his lies, you're going to find it very hard to get out of the rut he has you trapped in. (It's not impossible, but it's hard.)

He tells you he wants to get married, but it's been over 2 years since you've been with him, and you already have a child with him. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you by simply using you for sex. (Sorry to be blunt, but you didn't post anything about him providing a home, or food on the table, clothing for your child, etc.)

Do you have a pastor you can talk to? Family close by that can offer you love & support?
Since this man has not committed to a serious relationship by now, chances are he won't in the future. Even if you're able to get him to say the vows, do you think he'll remain faithful? Who was he lying down with over these past 2 years? How many other children does he have out there?
You may need to forget about this man, and again, move on with your life.
Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.

Dear Rolanda,
I am sorry that you are so distressed. I have a couple of ideas that might help. If you have a minister or Christian counselor that you feel you can talk to, I would do that. I am Catholic and many people don't understand the part of our faith that deals with what we used to call Confession but now call Reconciliation, but I have used it many times to talk with a priest when I was really bothered by something. He would ask what the problem was, we talked about it, prayed about it, etc. It has always helped me tremendously. I don't think that God is an evil punishing God. Talk with someone with whom you can talk and pray.
Good luck.
S.

I'm sorry to put this out there so blantly..but you made your bed and now lie in it... not trying to be mean but it is reality. I was also a single mother of 2 children, and it was hard raising them on my own. The thing is, that marriage should be discussed before having children, not after. Marriage is a serious commitment that both have to want and agree upon, not just "for the children". Do you really think marriage will help? If he is not ready, he's being honest, he is not ready. You should not be ashamed that you are a single mother, it would be shameful to force a man into marriage when he clearly doesn't want it. You have to let him be a father to your children, don't use them against him. In the end you will be the one regreting the marriage, you can do so much more with you life, don't settle for anyhting less.

Although your faith in God is admirable you need to remember that God also forgives us for our mistakes. Give your children's father time to make his decision you don't want to force him into something that he may later feel regret and blame you or hurt you or your children, if he decides to marry you let it be for the right reason not because he felt pressured. There is no such thing as a perfect life we all make mistakes and regardless of how many or how bad our mistakes turn out to be God always forgives. We are so hard on ourselves and punish ourselves more than we should, stop punishing yourself or your kids for something God has already forgiven you for. Be happy that God has blessed you with children, my husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, although we were blessed with 1 child unfortunately God needed my little angel with him and my son died 5 hours after being born, cherish your gift, you have what others want. Don't let other people's opinion of you or your situation force you into something that you may not be ready for. God Bless you and your children, be strong, be positive and you will see how things seem to always work there way out.

Rolonda--

The first thing you need to do is stop feeling bad. God wants your love and your obedience, not your guilt. Repent, renew your promise to God and to yourself that you will try your best to walk the walk AND talk the talk, and continue living. The example you set as a Christian is not in the way you stumble, it’s in the way you pick yourself up and get back about the business of living. Don’t worry about being judged by man. Man will continue to see the God in you. And God knows you’re human, because He made you. He knew you in the womb. All he asks is that you forgive yourself because as soon as you repent, He has already forgiven you. If you feel it necessary to address those who you want to be an example for, be honest. Don’t offer excuses. The flesh is sometimes weak, especially in this area. Proverbs 24:16 tells us that a righteous man falls 7 times, but he rises again. It’s time for you to rise.

As far as this man who you say keeps bringing up marriage; man can only do what you allow him to do. If you put yourself in a position where both you and he are likely to be tempted, guess what? It’s probably going to happen, especially because it sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. Dangling the prospect of marriage in front of you is a sure way to get your defenses down, and your underwear, too. Be strong. Stick to your beliefs. It will all work out. Everything happens in accordance with God’s perfect plan. I’ll be praying for you. You stay in prayer, too. And enjoy your pregnancy! Babies are a gift.

love your children and yourself.
no one will treat you the way you deserve - and the way that god believes we should all be treated - until YOU start to treat yourself that way.
babies are a blessing. period.
god would not give you something you were not ready for, nor would he give you something that he did not intend you to have. if this man is playing you and using you, then turn towards god who will certainly have someone better for you down the road, but if the father of your children isn't willing to help himself, you cannot save him.