Pregnant Again Out of Wedlock and Hating It!!!

Updated on April 07, 2008
S.K. asks from Pearland, TX
12 answers

Hi everyone, I know that yall can be kind of harsh, I have been so myself from time to time but please try to take it a little easy on me. Ok I have known my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we have been dating for about 7 months. We dated when we first met but he didnt want to deal with the drama that can come from an insta-family situation so we broke up. We however stayed very good friends and that obviously worked out well. Well we found out that I was pregnant on thanksgiving and he is thrilled. I mean this man has taken to the family life like he was made for it. I do however have a problem. When we first started talking about marriage I said I didnt want to be big fat and pregnant on my wedding day and so I have been living in his house and I cant work more than 2-3 hours a day because of restrictions, in short I am completely depended on him. Now my problem is I dont like being unmarried and pregnant again. With my first daughter the situation was very different for many reason, but mainly I hadnt come to faith and now that I have the double burden of knowing what God has to say about it and what I feel is right is weighing on me. How do I take my foot out of my mouth? When he talks to his friends he calls me his fiancée and he sometimes calls me his wife to my face but he still hasnt "asked me" to marry him. There is no ring on my finger and though I know that thats how he thinks and is committed I still want to be married before the baby is born. Any advise as to how I start to bring this up and what I should say?

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So What Happened?

Well I talked with my boyfriend, it went about how I expected. I decided to just send him the post that I put here for him to read. He and I both have traditional views so he was a little surprised that I was bringing up marriage. He understands where I am coming from and says that he will propose when the timing is right for him. So we will see. Mostly I think all I wanted was for him to know where I was and how I was feeling regarding this whole situation. Thanks for all the advise.

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D.

answers from Houston on

First of all, congratulations! A baby is always good news as far as I'm concerned.

It's a woman's perogative to change her mind. I get the sense that referring to you as his fiance or wife is his way of letting you know where he stands on the issue. In a quiet moment together you may say..."you know, I've been thinking that my initial feeling of not wanting to marry before the birth was selfish on my part. Maybe that would be better for the baby." That can begin the discussion anyway.
Best wishes.

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N.D.

answers from Houston on

Dear One,
PRAY! Ask God to work on both of your hearts, to open up a time for y'all to talk and to be there in the midst of the conversation. I often pray that the Lord will be the interpreter between me and the other person, and I know He is in it when there is peace, patience, kindness, self-control because the Bible tells me those are the attributes of God's Spirit. It will take some humbleness on your part as you want to express that you may have been wrong to think that way and that you really want and need him to be your husband during this time. Also, you're making yourself vulnerable as you're sharing your heart's desires. But if he's a good man he will be blessed by your openness and desire to be his bride.

The Lord has obviously been working on your heart. Follow Him and you'll never be led astray. He is not harsh and knows that no one can cast a stone against you because all of us have sinned and fallen short of His intentions for us. I hope you have a good church family that will love and support through this time. Many blessings!

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J.H.

answers from Houston on

Hello S.. You could start talking about names and how they sound First name and then Your last name. If asked Your name needs to be the same has the child for so many reasons. Day care, school, medical etc. Maybe this might get the ball rolling Good Luck.J.

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T.V.

answers from Houston on

Have you considered a JOP wedding for now and the 'real' thing when you're happy with your body again? I would just tell him how you feel, men are not mind readers. If he's up for marriage he'll tell you then.

Best wishes.

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S.T.

answers from Houston on

I have a friend who was in your situation. She was a virgin- her first time. She got pregnant. They married, and she really regrets that decision. They have been married for seven or so years and are miserable, have been since I met them six years ago.

Don't jump into anything just because you are pregnant. It is not a sin to be pregnant out of wedlock- God created that baby and you shouldn't look at it that way. No, you should not have sex outside of marriage, but you did (and are?) and that's what you should feel conviction over- not the baby. Please don't get married just because you are pregnant!

that said, you should tell him exactly how you feel.

Gentle hugs,
S., mom to four little girls ages 1-5 and married 6 years.

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P.C.

answers from Houston on

Your answer is very simple: PROPOSE TO HIM with a candle lit dinner!

P.

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L.W.

answers from Dallas on

IF the man has not proposed by the time the infant is born, drop him, get your tubes tied, and move on. YOu can legally get his wages garnished as well as your other child's daddy's. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

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D.H.

answers from Houston on

Honesty is the only way to have a good relationship with anyone. Tell him you've changed your mind andthat you feel the need to be married befroe the baby is born. You can always have a small ceremony(just you, him, the witnesses and the preacher or JP) and have a real wedding after the baby comes.

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J.F.

answers from Houston on

If you love the guy, just tell him you want your baby to have a proper mom and dad when he's born. Ask him if he would consider a trip to the courthouse to be married by a justice of the peace. It's all perfectly legal but you won't have to invite anyone. Just take one or two friends as witnesses and maybe your daughter. That way no one will see you while your so pregnant and you can always have a wedding party six months later when your "baby fat" is gone.

Good luck!

P.S. I was pregnant when I got married. My son ended up looking like a little rubber stamp of his father, so I was glad we got married. I was too immature though to make sure it lasted. He wasn't a good husband. I should have trained him. Instead, I divorced him. We ended up being friends until he died three years ago of M.S. Our son is 40 now.

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B.R.

answers from Houston on

Hi S.,
The GOOD LORD knew you, your boyfriend and the baby you are expecting, before He formed any of you in the womb. Therefore, HE also knew who would be whose parents. SEE Ps.139.

S., I am not making excuses for the ones of us who are saved, to continue in sin, I am not. But God's grace is sufficient for me, you, and all believers. Jesus is gracious, slow to anger, and full of mercy.

It seems you have a penitent spirit, and that's exactly what God wants. Repent for this also, confess what your heart is sharing with us, to God, and He is faithful, and just to forgive you, and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. The Lord reminds us that we are quick to judge the outward appearance of people, but He judges the heart (spirit).

At that very right moment, tell your friend you need to be married before yours and his baby is born, even if it is a secret ceremony, with the celebration and public announcement coming later. Express to him how extremely, stressful this whole situation is, because of your faith.

Let him know how much you love and appreciate him, but that you really need him to understand. Use this as a witnessing tool that will get him saved, and/or closer to God. Remind him, tenderly, that God makes the rules, and that the baby needs the blessing of his father's name, and covering.

I know that many of us are praying for you and with you about this matter.

Take a stand for God and His righteousness, and He will stand tall and strong for you. In Jesus name, I call in, and claim the victory for you and your family.

Praise God S., your faith has brought you a positive response from GOD. When you shared with us, you were really reaching out to God, in us.

Be strong in the LORD,

Beverly

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M.H.

answers from Houston on

Just be honest with him and speak from your heart. I think that you could get a ring, if that is important to you. It doesnt have to be an expensive one. Also, why not get hitched at the court-house and then you could have a ceremony later after the kiddo comes along. This way, you are married and can concentrate on the ceremony (if that is what you want) later. People do it all the time.
Just a thought,
Margaret :)

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B.P.

answers from Houston on

No one should be harsh with you. Shame on them if they are. Honesty is always the best policy. Just sit him down for dinner one night and calmly tell him how you feel. Be prepared for the wrost though. If he is honest he may have something to say that you don't like. Good luck. You could also talk to your pastor and see what his suggestions might be. Just a thought.

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