Seeking Advice on My Older Girls

Hey I.,

Hi, I'm a mother of 2 and you sound fustrated!! I've learned the more you say, don't do it, the more they do it!! So both your kids are of age and I think the advice you should give them is if it makes you "happy" I'm happy for you!! Yes, we don't ever want to see our kids make the same mistakes we make but remember it's no longer your mistakes to make, it's theirs and we all have to own our own mistakes, no matter how hard it's on us!! As far, as the daughter you allow to do her laundry at your house, I'm a little confussed...you said, that you let her come over every Sunday to make it easier on her!! So if this is the case why would you ask her to help you with the water bill!! Cause to me it sounds like your saying your helping her!! All we can do for our children is pray that they do well in life, life is not perfect ( and it's not ment to be)God forgives us when we make mistakes and he is always there when we need him!! So when their are situations that we have no control over, that's what we need to do, leave it in his hands!! You sound like a good, caring Mom so pat yourself on the back and say your job is done and just be there for your girls!! Good luck and God bless!!

Its never to late to forgive yourself for being a stupid kid. You first need to forgive yourself for being young and making a mistake. Then from that point write down how you want to live your life. Ask your daughters to forgive you and support you in being the kind of parent they think you should be. The from that point on. Be that person. You can not live your life feeling regretful for the bad decisions you have made. Your children will understand one day all that you have done for them. But move forward in a positive way. Find a good group of people at your church and hang out with them. Learn how to be happy with yourself. God loves you and wants you live a full life. Teach them by your example.
If you need help from your daughter about the water bill. Be honest and tell her. She will undersatnd. If not she needs to understand at 25. She needs to grow up, and you need to forgive yourself.
Hang in there you are doing a good job.
N.

Each generation has its problems. My mom's generation was brought up strict/rigid and straight bible. My two oldest sisters seem to be a generation between me and my other sister. I have a sister who when I was 11 had her first child (out of wed). My mom tried for YEARS to be there for her. Living with us....being a horrible mother to say the least. Everytime my mom tried to talk with this sister about getting on her own to show her daughter how to be a good upstanding person, it fell on deaf ears - she too has this syndrome of everyone owes me. She is shooting for 45 now, & is no better. The bible says raise them in the ways of the Lord and when they grow-up, they will return to it. All you can do is pray that this will happen. I mention the strain of the water bill, and if she is against assisting, let her gently know that your laundry services have finished. It is hard I know. Letting your daughter(s) know that abusing you - and not honoring you, is their choice and it is YOUR choice not to allow it to continue. You love them and want a good relationship with them, but they are adults now. They need to act like it. A little help with child care (for a good reason that is) is & should be appreciated - there shouldn't be a backlash if you don't watch them so they can party etc... Pray that God will return to their hearts and minds & some day (soon I hope) they will begin to honor you again! Good luck & God Bless You!

Hello, I.. I'm not really sure what the actual question is here, although I'm going to take a stab. Should you ask your daughter to contribute to the water bill in exchange for her being able to do laundry at your house? No. Simply put, she needs to get a roll of quarters and find a good Laundromat. Once in a while is ok, say for instance she really needs to do laundry, doesn’t have any quarters, and doesn’t get paid for a week. (I’m assuming she has no savings) Stop enabling her, she is an adult, and if she looks at you with disgust, etc... she is taking advantage of you. The real reason I am writing is because of your first statement - are you just now realizing she should be contributing towards the water bill because you don't approve of her fiancé and are doing it out of spite? I'm also wondering if she lives with you, only because you stated that her fiancé calls every time leaves. Does she tell you this or are you intercepting the calls?

You might thing I am being harsh, but I'm not. I am a single parent as well, and had my first at 17. I am where I am in life because no one helped me, no one enabled me, and no one was my crutch. Believe it or not, even though times are hard, she will get through it without you enabling her. She has made her bed, and now she has to lay in it. It's easy, and natural, for us as a parent to want to give give give every thing to our children, but we need to know when to say no. I commend you for not being at her beck and call regarding baby sitting - that was the one thing that kept me in line; I never had anyone to babysit my daughter. If I did, I would have been out partying and neglecting my responsibilities as a parent. I'm sooooooooooo grateful to those in my life who made me stand on my own two feet. Yes, it has been a hard journey but I am proud of the results. Believe me, if you stop being a crutch for her, in any way, she will look back at this time in her life, later, when things aren’t so hard, and thank you for pushing her to be the strong woman she turned out to be  Best of luck to you, and I mean that!!!

Well, it's really not up to you to decide whether the man your daughter wants to marry is right or wrong for her. Your daughter is a grown woman and that is her choice. If he is not the right man for her she will learn from her own mistakes. Each and every person is entitled to believe whatever and however they want to when it comes to spiritual matters. They do not need to believe the same that you do. All that should concern you is your own sprituality for yourself. It doesn't matter if you go to church every week or once a year. How often you go to church is no measure of your connection to god or how spiritual you are. Faith comes from within, you don't need to prove that to anyone by attendance.
As far as your daughter and the water bill- If you are extending the favor to let her do her laundry in your home, then you should pay the entire water bill. If you feel she is costing you too much money by doing her laundry there, then tell her to find somewhere else to do her laundry. Remember, life is short. Don't worry about the small stuff. Tell your children you love them everyday and be supportive of their choices.

I.,
There is really nothing you can do about you 25yr.old. She is going to marry who she wants. I think you should sit her down voice your opinion one time and leave it at that. As for your other daughter, I don't think you owe her anything. You raised her and took care of her. Like you said you did the best you could. I think if she is going to keep having her, you owe me attitude, you should stop letting her wash at your house. I am a single mother of three and I know its hard. If I had somewhere to wash my clothes for free it would help a lot. In saying that she should be grateful you are allowing her to wash at your house. If it is putting a strain on you then I would for sure tell her she can't wash at your house unless she helps with the bill. Good luck. I want to encourage you to keep on and keep strong. Your daughters are adults now. Its time for you to take care of you and your son.

First let me say that we never stop learning, even after our children are older!
I have 2 grown children from a first marriage and a little one at home from a current marriage.
What I have learned is, we can tell our grown children what we would do, or what we believe is best, or to be careful because of what we see....but we can not control what they do. You can only control your own actions, and your daughters are of an age that they can listen to your advice, but ultimately the decisions they make are their own--which means THEY are also responsible for the consequences. (It is harder and hurts when there are children involved.)
I tried so hard with my daughter, and felt responsible for everything she did (as if it was still my responsibility to make her do what I knew was right). It took us both going to a therapist who basically told me what I mentioned above--She's over 18, you can give your opinion, the decision AND it's responsiblilty is hers. That took SO much weight off my shoulders.
I also had read in a christian book that to help people is good, but first make sure all your obligations are taken care of, then if you want to help someone do it without expecting anything in return.
That also helped me put limits on my constant helping (especially with money). I didn't know it at the time, but I was keeping them from reaching their potential by always bailing them out of everything. They actually started treating me with more respect when they saw that I was setting limits and taking care of myself first. You have a younger son at home, HE is the one you should be putting most of you time and money into--he is your first responsibility--the girls are adults. It is hard, but let them fall, let them struggle to help themselves--that is how we grow and learn.
I wish you luck, and will keep you in my prayers because I have been there and I know it takes strength to set limits. And to put your own needs ahead of your (grown)"children" is difficult for most women. Believe me they will come to respect you more. And you will feel better too!!
L. B

unfortunately your girls are adults and they will be making their own choices and their own consequences for their choices. The only thing you can do at this point is to point out the message of good choices and the consequences of not good choices and then shut up and let them live their lives while you live yours..............Put them into God's hands and let Him handle their lives (Jeremiah 29:11-13) God Bless

bottom line, Let Go and Let God...you can't control what your girls do and say, what they do with their lives or who they decide to do it with. They are adults.

And for yourself, get more connected with your church. Just going on a Sunday here and there isn't going to keep you connected with the Lord. You'll have an even harder time dealing with your family and seeing what God's will is for each of your lives and not yours.

I am a woman who was raised in the church, a daughter of a mother who probably had some concerns like you do and mother, now, who understands both sides and how much I need the Lord.

I see a bit of guilt of the past and care about your daughters greatly and want their best interest, but going about wrong sometimes. Put your girls in pray and in God's hands. ;)

Don't those big issues when they were little seem so minor now? Your daughters are both adults - treat them as such! Reiterate wth the one planning on marriage that if she's Queen of his heart he will treat her like a princess, but don't criticize him at all. Keep praying for them, that their relationship will be a blessing to them both. Keep setting a good example by going to church, not to mention your own spiritual benefit. As for the young M., she may be hurting but you deserve respect. Ask for help if you need it and be firm, not nasty, no matter how mad she makes you. It sounds like she's manipulating you. As for not babysitting for them, that's fine, but work on your relationship with your grandchildren. Just take a walk with them or take one with you grocery shopping or out for an ice cream. They will remember regular time with you even if it's only half an hour once a week.
Expect respect from all of them - no discussion.
And keep praying!

I know it must be so difficult to watch your daughter make what you think is a big mistake. However, she is an adult and you have to let her make her own choices. If you want to improve your relationship with her (sounds like you two might have some unresolved issues relating to the way she was raised) the best thing you can do is offer her your unconditional support - and mean it. And by that I mean emotional support, not financial. If the laundry situation is putting a financial strain on you, you have to let her know that in the nicest, gentlest way. But do make a point of being nothing but welcoming and courteous to her future husband. Your daughter will behave the way you expect her to behave. (example: you told her she'd wind up a single parent and, voila! she's a single parent) If you treat her like an intelligent, capable woman, she may just surprise you and step up. I have to wonder if her choices aren't some sort of rebellion against you. She is still quite young, after all. Above all, you must step back with your personal opinions and just love her unconditionally and let her live her life, mistakes and all. It will probably take more than a while for her to accept your new attitude, but hang in there because it will be worth it in the end. Also, I'm sure you remember how draining it is to be the mother of a small child. Maybe as a gesture of good will you could offer to take your grandchild for her just to give her a break so she can either get some things done or just relax for a few hours, with no stipulation from you on how you think she should spend that time. If you do things with a generous heart and expect nothing in return, you will get more than you ever imagined in return.

Best of luck to you!

I.,
Sounds like you've worked hard on yourself and making a better life for your family. I would advice that your daughters are now young adults and have to live their own lives. Be careful to say things like, Don't turn out like me! I heard those things and they are confusing to a child. They love you no matter what and it's hard to hear your mother admit how bad she feels about her life. All you can model behavior for them, accept them and love them for who they are. They'll make their own mistakes. I'm sure you've heard all this before. And church? That should be their own decision too. You are modeling what you think is important by stressing how important church is to you.
G.

I agree with Meredith, Cara and Anette. I would ask anyone who is using your laundry facilities to either pay for her share of the water bill or wash at a laundromat.

If your daughter's fiance is an atheist and your daughter is an atheist, which seems likely even if she doesn't say that she is, or has no problem marrying someone who doesn't think exactly the way she is (which shows how tolerant she is--a good thing), then I don't think that her marrying an atheist, in and of itself, will be a bad thing. Of course, there are many other issues to consider when deciding whether or not to marry someone. Most people in my family are atheists, we don't believe in God or a "higher power" but believe in treating others honestly and compassionately, and our marriages have outlasted many Christians' marriages by several decades. Probably the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to tell your kids that you accept them, insist that they act responsibly, e.g. pay for their share of expenses, and take care of your physical and mental health.

Good luck,
Lynne E

In respect to your 25 yr old...there is nothing you can do about her choice in men/spouse. She is grown and can make her own decisions. Nothing wrong with expressing your opininons tactfully, just be mindful that if you alienate her you may have limited access to your grandkids when they come. As far as your younger twins...they sound a bit undgrateful ;( I may not be parent of the year...but like you am doing the best I can each and every day...and that cutting remark from your daughter would have really hurt me too! They are grown too. Perhaps reminding them that since they seem to feel they are grown enough to make adult decisions about who they date/marry and how they raise their kids...perhaps they should go the extra mile...and be a full adult including doing their laundry at their own home or paying for a laundromat if they don't have the equipment at home. Let them know...being an adult is a package deal. You don't just get the perks...the icky stuff like responsibility :) comes with it as well! My advice...focus on your 14 yr old. He is the only one you really have any control over. And I don't think its good for him to see you get treated so disrepectfully by his elder siblings. Good Luck!

Your daughter is a grown woman, she will make her own mistakes and she must own them... not you. If she asks your advice, give it. If she is willing to listen even if she hasn't asked, give it. Otherwise, don't waste your breath. Then remember, that's all it is, advise, she is free to take it, or leave it and her choices are no reflection upon you. She MUST own her actions. As are as the things you do for your children, whatever their ages, it is best not to enable them, and you should NEVER allow them to take advantage of you. The best gift we can give our children it to teach them to be responsible for their own actions and to take care of their own responsibilites and that the day comes when we are not responsible for taking care of them or cleaning up their messes. Love them, but be firm in your own convictions and take care of yourself and your wants and needs. That makes you a better person for all the world and is God's desire for you.

You obviously love your children.
They will do what they want to do, especially now that they are adults. And there's nothing you can do except support them emotionally; letting them know you will always be there for them. Not to USE you, but for a shoulder to cry on.

Allowing your daughter to do her laundry at your place is very nice of you, but that also means you need to pay the water bill yourself or she might as well go to a laundromat, right? And if she feels like you owe her anyway, I wouldn't offer her laundry services. Let her do it on her own, so that she gains an appreciation for what you are offering her.

I was raised Catholic, as was my husband, but we don't attend mass every Sunday. What really matters is how you lead your life. I don't care if a person is atheist or muslim or buddhist or anarchist, as long as they are respectful and honest. So, I wouldn't worry about whether you or she (or if her fiance believes in God) are going to church; focus on your daily thoughts and actions--that's what matters in the end.

Good luck
Don't beat yourself up about their actions (when they are over 18). I know from my own experience, I did what I wanted to do when I turned 18, regardless of my parents' desires. When they showed resistance, I wanted "that" only more. Fortunately, I was mild in my rebellion. My mother always continued her contact with me and never judged what I did. That allowed me to 'come back home' for safety when things didn't work out.
Since then, I became a teacher, I've married, and we are now expecting baby #3. People would never guess some of the things I've experienced.
Like I said, love your children and don't fret over their decisions. Pray for the best, but live your own life.

If you can't do it on your own, how about getting them into some kind of mentoring program/organization for your "children." I know they are older...but still. People/kids need structure and a foundation, someone they can look up to... besides their parent(s) sometimes in certain situations. Your kids seem to lack a focus and a "center" in themselves. As a parent, like the other respondent said, you can perhaps get some counseling for yourself too.
These are some links just for ideas, even though your kids are "adults."

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&a...
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1634649/k.A20F/Y...

Bottom line. We all make our own mistakes. You cannot prevent your grown children from making their fair share. As for the water bill, you said you are letting her do laundry at your house to make things easier on her. Asking for help with the water bill would defeat that purpose. If the water bill is truly too high for you, simply tell your daughter that, because of the high water bill, she needs to start going to the laundromat.

#1 - i think if you say you let her come on sunday to do laundry and make it easier for her, why would you ask her to help you with water bill?
#2 - if any of your other daughter's live with you they should be helping you. it hurts to see those faces though, when they look at you like you owe them something, and nothing will please them. it's not you, it's them. maybe you did do the best you could do, but sometimes people are just unhappy and unfortunately they will blame the mother, not themselves.
i have a sister like that, she always acted like my mom owed her so much. she is never happy with anything. nothing is good enough for her and she is lazy. she depended too much on our mother. our mom passed away last year and she is so lost. she has to stand on her own two feet now. now I help her, but it's not the same as mom helping.
just be a good grandma, and take care of yourself. give your daughters help when you can, and tell them to help YOU when they can. we all need to help out each other! just cause you're the Mom doesn't mean you have all the answers. i'm a single mom and it's hard, but i want my teenage daughter to grow up and be strong and independent and happy!

I.,

The advice "let go and let God" is excellent, however, in case you are like me and need help on getting there, check out a book called "Power of a Praying Mother" by Stormie O'Martian. Stormie also wrote "Power of a Praying Wife" and others. She gives personal life examples and biblical teaching that will guide you into arriving at "letting go and letting God." Her books are easy reads, very practical and touching and have made a dramatic impact on my life, relationships and especially my faith. I believe that "Power of a Praying Mother" could help you, too.

God Bless,
L. P

Hi I.,

First, don't let your daughter know your feelings about the guy because she'll just resent you for it. It sounds like she's going to marry him anyway so she'll just have to learn from her own mistakes. I think you could use some therapy to help you with your guilt and anger.

You certainly can ask her to help with the water bill. Your daughters are adults now and need to be responsible for their own lives.

V.

Heelo I.,
You said you go to church and believe in God. Are you a Christian? Is your daughter a Christian? Have you asked Jesus to be your savior and to forgive you of all your sins? The Bible says do not be uneaqually yoked, which means if your a christian do not marry a non-christian. I know some elderly ladies at church that married non-christians and they have shared with me some of their major struggles that are all about church and Jesus. As a Christian the best and most powerful thing we can do is pray!! So start praying everyday for your daughter and her choices and relationships. Then watch God do great and mighty things!! God wants the best for us, but he leaves the choices to us. D.

Hello, First of all let me start out by saying that I will be praying for you, even though I have never been in your situation, I understand some of the things you are saying and you sound a lot like my mom ( which is a good thing) I got married when I was 19 and now I am 25. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and of course we have had our ups and downs like all people do. I also grew up going to church and I still go to church and I take my son ( he just turned 2) with me. I have known my husband since I was 15 ( that's when we started dating) and we didn't see each other all the time but I knew that him and his family went to church. When we got married I knew that my husband knew the Lord but he didn't really go to church cause he was out on his own and he is in the air force. He said that he didn't want to go to chruch my himself, which I understood. After we got married we found a church and we started going and everything was great, then the air force moved us to Guam and for some reason my husband didn't want to go to church anymore. It's been really hard on our marriage because he doesn't want to go and I don't want to force him to go, I want him to go cause he wants too.I pray all the time that God will touch his heart and will give him the disire to go. He has gone a couple of times but I am still praying that we will go every week. I know it must be really hard for you cause you want your daughter to do the right things and be around the right people but I think the only thing that you can do now is to keep on praying for her. Remember that God answers prayers and he knows the desires of your heart. I think that you sound like a great mom and I know that your daughter is acting like this for a reason. Have you tried sitting down to talk with her? Don't give up! Keep your head up high and continue to be a good mom! As for the laundry thing, if she is going to come over and use the washer ( if she uses it all the time) it kind of sounds like she is taking advantage of you. I would charge her, if she were to do her laundry at a laundry mat she would be paying more than you will probably charge her, It sounds like she needs to do a little growing up. Good luck with everything and remember, if you have done all you can, keep praying. Have Faith! God Bless you!

Hi I.,

There were many items mentioned in your post that it is hard to talk about just one. I know when I am thinking that others are the cause or the root of my problems, I remember a conversation I had with a wise person. She told me that many times when it seems like the issue is with Them, the issue truly lies with Me. There are times when we need to advice of others to help us sort through the thoughts and situations in our life. My recommendation is to find a therapist that you really connect with - spend a month or two talking things through. Work to find a goal to find peace in your own life. It isn't about Them. Maybe it is time for you to spend time to reflect about You. Ask your Doctor for recommendations of therapist. Ask close girl friends for recommendations. If it is important to find someone of the same faith, ask your pastor for a recommendation.

Best wishes to you.

As much as it frustrates and pains you, you have to let them make their own mistakes. You need to trust that you gave them the tools they needed to make good choices and then stay out of it. If you want them to act like adults, treat them like adults and let them take care of themselves. Be a Grandma to their kids and offer them advice and support when they seek it, but don't take over.

With regards to the one getting married, the quickest way to put up a permanent wall is to tell her she's doing the wrong thing. Chances are, she'll figure it out eventually if you're right. But, there's always the chance you're wrong. Either way, she's a big girl, it's her decision. It doesn't sound like you know him very well, maybe that's a first step you should make. Get to know him...

Good luck.