Short Story:
Husband got drunk and said the most foul thing he could possibly say to his daughter, and he doesn't remember a thing. Please tell me what you think. I have been crying my eyes out every night since this has happened and I don't know what to do.
a. Did he mean to call her?
b. Did he think that he was talking to me (cause we flirt like that)?
c. Does he secretly want his daughter after 18 years?
d. Do people tell their true feelings when they are drunk?
e. Did he really mean to say that to her...does he really feel that way?
f. Did he really say it?
Long Story:
My 18 year old stepdaughter recently moved into our home to attend college. She visits her mom every other weekend and holidays. Other than being a little spoiled, she's a pretty good kid, and we all have had a great relationship. Her mom and my husband have not been together since she was 2 years old, but he has had her every summer since then, and some holidays throughout the year. We do movie night, eat dinner together, laugh, joke, etc. My husband who is otherwise kind, considerate, honest, and loving, helps out with our son, takes care of home...etc. goes to a Sports Bar about every other Friday after work and has a few drinks prior to coming home. One Friday, he came home heavily intoxicated, ate, talked a bit, took a shower, then went to bed. We left to visit family the next day and stayed overnight. We returned to find out that our stepdaughter has moved out while we were gone. She called to tell me that on that Friday, while my husband was at the bar, he called her while she was with her mom, asked if she was okay making it there, then called back and said something obscene about "would she show him her breasts when she returned to our home." After looking at the phone records, it appeared that he called her 12 times, he called his male cousin, and about 3 other family members a few times all within 20 minutes, and he does not remember speaking with anyone that day. He doesn't remember a thing. My stepdaughter says that he has never said or done anything remotely close to that before, but she is terrified of him now. My husband has been the best over the past 5 years and has never blacked out or done anything like this before. We both drink a little, but never to the point of forgetfulness.
I am disgusted, hurt, confused, disgusted, and I don't know what to do.
This is where it gets even more confusing and a little weird. Come to find out my stepdaughter's mom and stepdad came into a lot of money, and so my stepdaughter never wanted to come live with us anyway. She has also been telling his family that we never gave her any money, never did anything for her, and sometimes left her in the house with nothing to eat, and she had been telling her mom that she really wants her own apartment now that her mom can pay for it. Telling us that she has picked out all of the furnishings and toiletries for her apartment that her mom will get her when she graduates college in 2 years...I thought that was odd that she picked out for her apartment 2 years away. Needless to say, when she moved out of our home that Sunday while we were gone, she moved into her own apartment that Monday. Also, when she told his family about how my husband has never did for her, she never told anyone other than me, her mom, and stepdad about the phone call. Now she calls his family everyday during the week that it happened bragging about having a pool where she lives and how she has all this space and having so much fun...again, saying nothing about the phone call.
Some friends and family are saying because it was her stepdad who got the money, they really had to go all out because he was not going to pay for an apartment for her. Also, after the call happened, her mom called my husband right back on speakerphone and spoke about random things, like the weather and such, trying to keep him on the phone to get him to say something foul again like he said to her daughter so that she and her husband could hear it and my husband never said anything else.
What do you make of all of this mess and confusion. It is really causing problems between my husband and I. I really don't care about her telling them that we did not do for her, because I know this is untrue, but I can't get over the phone call. I can't believe that a lying, spoiled brat would lie about something so horrible, especially after he has been there for her for 18 years, she's stayed with us, she calls and cries to him when she had boyfriend problems....
a. Did he mean to call her?
b. Did he think that he was talking to me (cause we flirt like that)?
c. Does he secretly want his daughter after 18 years?
d. Do people tell their true feelings when they are drunk?
e. Did he really mean to say that to her...does he really feel that way?
f. Did he really say it?
PLEASE tell me what you think. I have been crying my eyes out every night since this has happened.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Here are my suggestions. I speak from experience and if you were my friend I would very strongly suggest you do everything I will tell you.
1. Go to Al-anon tonight.
2. Get a marriage therapist on Monday and make an appointment for that week.
I think your husband was in a black-out. Most people who drink that much have a problem with alcohol and that's why you need to go to Al-anon for help for YOU.
The marriage therapist will help you (and your husband if he'll go) work out the emotions and the best way to handle what happened. A good marriage therapist helps couples STAY TOGETHER through many different kinds of problems.
Good luck to you.
S.
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M.M.
answers from
Atlanta
on
I wonder if he was with some other idiots that took his phone, thought that they were being funny and made drunken calls??? I always hear about that sort of thing happening....in fact, a former boyfriend of mine and I used to keep in touch, lost touch, he got married during the lost touch time and out of the blue I got a call from his cell phone in the night. Apparently, he was at a hockey game with his buddies (drinking, of course) and they went through his numbers and called me. At first I thought he was lying because he was embarrassed, but he is happily married and I believe his story now. Anyway, he may need to lay off of the juice. I was married to someone that was a complete teddy bear, unless he was drinking. AND, he would black out also. If he has admitted to blacking out...you need to get serious with him and tell him to either stop drinking or get help. Let me know what happens. Sorry for all of this. Awful situation!
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S.M.
answers from
Atlanta
on
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think the first thing you need to do is address your husband's drinking problem. My father battled alcoholism, and it can be very difficult for the children, not to mention make a trainwreck out of any marriage.
And yes, sometimes when people are drunk they *do* tell some secrets that they would normally keep to themselves, but no one but your step-daughter truly knows what happened.
You could try marriage counseling, but I think if he doesn't get a handle on the alcohol, it could be a losing battle, so deal with the alcohol first. Face it, if he's getting "heavily intoxicated" and then driving home, that ALONE is enough to make it a serious problem.
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K.B.
answers from
Atlanta
on
WOW. Well two things come to mind. Either your husband is a creep.... or your step daughter is a liar. Check your gut instinct. The fact he called her 12 times is odd for sure.... Did each call connect? Has this girl been manipulative in other situations?
Did her mother call the police? Has her mother stopped any visits to the father?
At first I was disgusted at your husband.. but in light of the other info, maybe she made this up to get somethng she wanted?
Go with your gut instinct.... she may be playing her mother and step dad to get what she wants.
:(
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D.J.
answers from
Atlanta
on
I am mother of six ,and if there blood father of any other man drunk of sober take to my girls like that,noway.but i have been told that alcohol make a person strong enough to speak what in there heart.stay alertand watch
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J.S.
answers from
Atlanta
on
Ok - this is going to sound wierd, but I had a similar situation just after college with a friend of mine. The reason I compare is what seems like such an out of character action with the obsessiveness of it (multiple phone calls, etc).
Is there any chance someone in the bar could have slipped something in your husbands drink? I may say alcholol could bring down someones real thoughts, but drugs are something that can just totally change a person. My friend (who was calm and thoughtful and rather slow in his physcial movements and so forth) turned into Rambo - jumping in and out of ditches for 15 miles along an interstate thinking he was being hunted. So, you really need to talk to your husband. He may feel as completely naked as you do and wonder what in the heck went on with him. Some drugs even keep your memory in tact and remembering it in the distorted fashion is even more shameful to him. There are several street type drugs that could have this effect.
He sounds like a great husband and I would be careful jumping to the dark side, although your are smart to really take a good look.
