HELP My Marriage Is in Trouble!!

Hi T.,
I see that there are many responses to your request and I wanted to let you know I have 2 kids and a wonderful husband of 9 years. You know I would be lying if I said that we never fight and we always get along, but the important thing to remember is that the more attention you give your husband the more attention he will give you. You say your talking about divorce...what is it that makes you guys talk about divorce...I know alot of people say that I spoil my husband, but you know what he is happy, he loves his kids and he loves me. The key thing to remember you get out of anything what you put into it. Some will not agree, but I would not change a thing about my life and ultimately this decision is up to you. God bless.

I've been married 7 years and with my husband for 13, we are now expecting our third child and this is our fourth pregnancy in 4 years... In that time we've experienced many ups and downs, having children has changed us both... I like to believe for the better, but changed us nonetheless. There are times we both get frustrated with not being able to be as spontaneous as we once were, or as frivolous financially as we were able to before. The few times my husband has been truly unhappy it was really just that he felt left out or forgotten because all of my attention is usually demanded of our children. What has worked for me is to slow down and remember to appreciate him: a night without kids for mind-blowing sex, a sexy text message in the middle of the day, a note for no reason to say I love you. But all of that is just a band-aid if you don't both come to grips with the fact that life HAS changed, you both have changed and you absolutely MUST learn to communicate respectfully and openly with one another DAILY.

In what way does he want you to be like you were when you were first together? How do you feel the two of you have changed the ways that you interact with each other? Having kids is SUCH a time of transition for each individual and for you guys as a couple. It's not all about each other anymore, and that can be hard for the guys to deal with sometimes. I know if you're staying home with the kids that by the time he gets home you're probably just feeling DONE with everything. Exhausted, frustrated, ready for adult conversation, etc. I know that's how I was when my two were itty bitty and I was the one home all day. It can be really hard to welcome hubby home with open arms when you feel like you've not even had five minutes to breathe all day long.

I think your dh needs to realize that things are NEVER going to be just like they were before kids. It's not possible. But that doesn't mean they can't be great. Just different. If at all possible, get someone to watch the kids for just a few hours one evening so you guys can go out and have a nice dinner alone. If that's not possible, have a late night dinner alone after the kids are in bed. No TV, computer, etc. just the two of you talking and reconnecting. Maybe you can get him to open up about what he feels is missing from your relationship.

It may seem at first that you are putting in all the work of trying to fix the relationship, but at first that's okay. Sometimes we as women have to be the emotionally strong ones and step up and just DO it, and after awhile of watching this the hubbys start to pick up on it and join in. Try doing little things for him to let him know you love him. Even if you might not feel up to it, just try it. It might sound cheesy, but try making the bed up all nice and leaving him a little note on his pillow with the top five reasons you fell in love with him. Slip a note into the pocket of his pants before he goes to work saying you love him and you hope he has a good day at work. Little things like that can go a long way toward freshening up a relationship.

Honey face it. Most men prefer to have all the attention. Get a sitter if you need to and cook him his favorite meal. Plan an evening for just the two of you. During that evening don't talk about the kids. Talk about things you did together that were fun and the fun things you want to do together. Buy a sexy nightie and wear it. Give him all your full attention. Make it a point every day to have time for him. Tell him how much you love him, admire him and respect him. Explain to him that you are run down from the care of the kids and you are sorry that you can't be everything he wants. Make plans together. Include him as much as possible in the care of the kids. The more you can talk and interact together the greater the chance of your working things out. I have never yet met a man that a few years into a marriage hasn't made the statement that they want the wife they married. I have seven brothers so a lot of this advice comes from their experiences. My husband made the statement that I am not the wife he married and he wants her back a couple years ago. I just told him that he needs to look in the mirror, that he is not the husband I married either. We have started playing video games together, we hold hands when we go shopping, kiss at red lights and wash dishes together. I make sure I tell him every morning good morning and to have a great day and that I love him. Funny, but he hasn't mentioned in a very long time that he wants his old wife back. We talk about his job when he comes home and what he did that day. Lots of times I just listen. It's not to late to save your marraige but you will have to make some changes and work at it. Ask him what he liked about the old you. Maybe you can bring some of it back. Good Luck and God Bless You.

Your husband is living in lala land and hasn't grown up aparently or he would realize that as we grow older and life's circumstances change, so do we. My suggestion would be to have him take some vacation days to stay at home and do what you do while he is at work and you are out enjoying yourself away from home. Give him a dose of what has made you change for at lleast a couple days. Then try to spend some special time with him. 2 kids and one on the way in 4 yearsd is rushing things alittle and neither of you had time to really enjoy and adjust to marriage before the babies started coming. He needs to take care of the girls, fix the meals , do the laundry, entertain the kids, clean the house all while you are out shopping, visiting girlfriends, what ever . Also, if he won;t go to counciling, try going yourself as a last ditch effort to try and save your marriage.

hi sorry to hear about your marriage. i have been married for 20 yrs know just had our 20 yr anniversery in june. and we have had our ups and downs. the best advice i can give is for your family to find a church that you both like. i have been babtist all my life but recently turnded to a pentacostal chruch here in lakeland . i dont know were you live , but its a wonderfull church , when you walk in you can feel gods presents . its called family worship center. god can help you with your problems you r facing. god loves you and your family and wants the best for all of you. god dosnt want you to divorce. you could even to to the church and talk to the counslers there. even if he dosnt want to go . you could still go your self. just to get some advice from them. my marrieage was going down hill at one time really bad and i started going to church and things started getting better. if you r in the area i would love for you to come visit us. the address is 1350 east main st lakeland florida and there no# is ###-###-#### and you can also watch them on the computor just go to www.fwclakeland.org and push on were it says weekly broadcast. you can also watch it on tv sunday mornings at 10:00am on channel 38 wtta my tv also on monday 9:30 am on superchannel 55 and thursday at 9:30pm on wclf tv -22. hope this helps and godbless.