HELP! My One Year Old ALWAYS Wants to Be Held!

Julie,

This is my 18 month old daughter right now. She's always been my little barnacle/klingon. I'll pick her up and carry her for a minute or two, then put her back down again. If she's getting really clingy I'll sit on the couch with her and cuddle. If she's really tired she'll conk right out, otherwise she'll tolerate the cuddles for about 2 minutes or so then get down and go off to play.

Other than that I don't know what else to do. She's just always been more of a Mama's girl than her big brother.

Melissa

I highly recommend a sling (or pouch, or wrap, or mei tai, etc.) The Original NoJo BabySling by Dr. Sears is a great starter sling and you can carry your daughter on your hip with way less effort while getting housework done, etc. You can get one on eBay for as little as $15. Also, if you are willing to put in the money, the Ergo Baby Carrier allows you to wear the toddler (up to 5 years old!) not only on the front and sides, but also on the back -- and it has a hood that supports her head so she can fall asleep like that!

It might actually help you have a quieter and calmer daughter in the long run if you are willing to put in the extra energy to carry her around more right now. Recent studies show that the best way to foster independence is by comforting children until they are ready to separate, and that forcing a separation before they are ready leads to insecurity and dependence. (I.e., more clinginess!) The more you nurture and "indulge" your child the easier they will be to parent for the rest of their lives (including better teenage years!) Admittedly, it is extra weight to carry around, but like all phases this will probably pass before you know it.

The best parenting book I've ever read is William Sears' "The Discipline Book". The third chapter is called 'Understanding Ones, Twos and Threes'. It is full of compassionate solutions and made parenting a thousand times easier for me. I really think my child is calmer, more affectionate, sympathetic and better behaved as a result of reading his books. Good luck. :-)

I remember this stage, too. And I agree that you should be careful not to hurt your back or your arm - I've had troubles with this and it can happen quickly. One thing I did was to try to sit down beside her instead of always lifting her up to me. She can snuggle on your lap, you can read or play together and often she'll get busy with that play. Then when you need to leave for your household task, it isn't as drastic as putting her down into another world, but more that she can continue playing on her own and learn that you'll be back soon. (Maybe try for a two-minute chore at first so she sees you back again.) It's good for us moms to sit down sometimes!

Try not to worry about it and just enjoy the phase. Most kids go through this at some point. At one you can start teaching her some boundaries so it is OK to say, "mommy will play with you for a little while and then you can play with your puzzle while I make dinner" or whatever. You can also start including her in your chores. If you are cleaning the kitchen, give her a dry cloth and ask her to clean the cupboard doors or give her a little broom and ask her to sweep. She'll enjoy feeling included but you can still get something done. She'll probably enjoy if you give her a big bowl and spoon to pretend to make dinner right along with you too.

If she really needs to be held I recommend getting a backpack carrier (like the Mai Tai Chinese carrier). They're lightweight, comfortable and allow you to get your work done. My son still wanted to be carried a lot at this age, so I would wear him around. I suggest carrying her when she wants it, children know what they need. Touch is a critical part of development and if she didn't get enough in young infancy she may be trying to make up for it. If you start carrying her as much as possible she should out-grow the stage quickly. If she doesn't get the touch she needs it's possible that she'll just get more clingy. I held my son as much as he wanted at this age and he's super independent now. Read the article below if you'd like to learn about how touch is critical to brain development.

http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/PS2010/html/Touch%20and%20...

Hi Julie,
Well, you and I are in the same boat! Our 1 yr old boy is doing the same thing. If I remember right, our older daughter was the same way for a time. My opinion is that it's just a period of separation anxiety and it will pass when it passes. For me, it is helpful to remember that these phases pass so quickly when you look back on them. She may stop wanting to be held all the time tomorrow or next week and then you will miss all of that extra cuddle time! Be sure that you are taking care of your body through this needy period though. When you are constantly holding a baby, it is easy to put your back out or develop tendonitis etc. Also, it won't be harmful to her at all if you have to let her cry for a bit. You can do so compassionately and with sympathy. Example: "I know you want me to hold you sweetheart, but right now mommy needs to pee." Eventually she won't be so needy when she learns that you are always there for her even if she has to wait for a little bit first.
Finally, I am a believer too and I love how straight forward you are about your faith. Amen sister!

Hello Julie,
It sounds like we have a lot in common from your "a little about me" comments. Anyway... I also used to have a little one-year-old who wanted to be held all of the time. She was a complete doll, but like you said, it is a challenge to get things done. I am sad to report that this is a problem that time will remedy all too quickly. My little "leg-hugger" is thirteen years old now, and taller than I am! (Funny...she just came up and kissed the top of my head "goodnight" as I was writing this.) :) Anyhow, she still does like to cuddle, but the days of holding her in my lap and rocking her to sleep are gone. I know this information won't free up your hands to get things done, but I hope it will remind you that "this too shall pass." Now, my "babies" help me get things done. Oh sure, they still leave things lying about and such, but they are a great help to me. It will take time for you to this stage, but please, please enjoy it in the meantime. You are overwhelmed with the neediness sometimes, and then one day they are big and you are the one telling them to "Get back here and give your Mother a hug!" Many blessings to you and yours! :)

As I look at my 15 month old and think "where did the time go?" (he's my 5th), I still remember how LONG my 1st one was a baby. All little ones are different, so all I can do is let you know how it is/was for me.
When my little ones are 1 1/2 to 2 years old, that's when it is the 'hardest' for me. They want, and don't want, everything and nothing... at the same time it seems like. When my kids have turned two, it's like they pass through a door and a new phase is born... SO much more independent. With my little one now, I actually planned on "doing nothing" for this age before he was born. He wants to be down and check everything out (get into everything), until I find something to do... THEN he needs to be held. So I try to stay away from doing things that I have a hard time putting down easily.
How's your 'other stay-at-home moms' friend base? Have a time when you get together with other moms, that you share interests with. You could just visit while you hold your 'little clinger', or (what I like to do) clean or do projects at each others houses. When there are two or more moms, then one can be holding a child (or two) while the other one 'works'(dishes, laundry, picking up, sewing, scrapbooking, making dinners, cookies...) and you can still visit too. It may feel a bit awkward at first(it was for me), but the friendships that grow and the satisfaction of having things done with a good visit too, is GREAT!
Also, there are so many different baby/toddler slings and snugglies. I was just at a friends house the other day where we were canning, and she was carrying around another friends 17 month old strapped to her back (being careful around the hot pots of course).
I have another friend, who's husband will snuggle so much with their children when they are clingy, that the kids 'have enough' and get down ('snuggle it out of them' I think is what they call it). I watched him do it once, it didn't take long (5 minutes???) and the child was squirming to get down... he'd make them 'fight to get away' for a bit... just to make sure.
I don't know what else to say and I think I may be starting to babble. It was all I could do NOT to 'roll my eyes' anytime someone would say, "... and this too shall pass.", so I surely don't want to say that!!!
Friends, that's my biggest 'saver'. Positive, up-beat ones too! (Everyone has their days) Check with women that you go to church with, neighbors, friends of friends, library story time, the park, here on Mamasource...
Well, my brain has left (with no warning either, how rude!), hope this helps!
Oh... MUSIC!!! I have different CDs that I will put in and it helps SO much. Here are MY favorites that we all like to listen to...
"Drew's Famous Party Music" - This has great dance music and we put it in when we do house work or just want to have fun.
"Monkey Business - Eric Herman and the Invisible Band" - He's local and he has some of his songs with videos on YouTube. His 'ID name' is EricHermanMusic. "Crazy over Vegitables" and "The Elephant Song" are two that you could check out.
We have a 'Vegi-Tales' one... it's in the car
And for Sundays or 'quite times' I like to put in;
"Primary Worship - Reverent Piano Music" by Paul Cardall. There are no words and it is very calming and soothing.
All of these CDs were well worth the money I paid for them. In fact, we play them so much, I should probably have back ups!

Yes it is alright to not hold her all the time, even mommies have things that we have to do (or even want to do). She is not to young to start setting boundaries with. By the way, is Daddy gone? You said that he is a pilot, did he go fly somewhere for work? Sometimes the smallest (or even biggest) changes in our toddlers routine can cause insecurity.

I think it's usually just a phase, when my daughter was that age she wouldn't even let other people hold her. Because they are more able to be separate from you they get a little separation anxiety. I just held her when she wanted so she felt secure and it only lasted a little while. It should pass soon. If you can put her in a carrier on your back or sit her somewhere she can see what you're doing would that work?

Another time my daughter gets clingy is when she is teething or doesn't feel good.

Oh, I feel you. My 7month old is getting that way. The minute I walk out of the room he freaks. A little different though because his is separation anxiety but the same as your situation too. That made no sense did it? lol Anyway, I hate to say this but the only way to break it is to let her cry. It might take a couple weeks, a lot of patience and a broken heart (yours and hers) but eventually she will realize you aren't going to pick her up and she will begin to entertain herself. :o)

yes it is okay to leave her. Try short increments and explain mommy can't pick you up right now because she is cooking or getting dressed or whatever. Then when you are done with activity spend time with her. All children need to learn how to play by themselves and with other kids.
Although it is easy as a stay at home mom to spend all your time with them it isn't practical. You want them to be able to problem solve and play creatively.

She sounds like a lucky little girl - good for you, Julie -. She is in a very normal developmental stage - and I applaud you for being so determined to do right by your treasure. You will help her bsst by continuing to give her lots of Mommy time where you really are playing with her- focused on her - and every once in a while- you need to say '' Mommy has to work, more play in a while'' and then take 10 or 15 minutes to do your work - ( if you can give her something to imitate you with--- a little broom or ''wipe'' to clean with if you're cleaning, or tupperware bowls if you're cooking
and just get your things done-- ignoring her whining - but commenting on her '''working'' if she does '' wow, you're cleaning like Mommy'' -- but DONT respond to her whining when you set out to work -. Our babies crave our attention- and if we give it to whining- guess what?? they whine more.

Many blessings,
J.

Hi Julie -

Toddlers go through clingy stages because they are going through the normal and necessary phase of development where they begin to comprehend that mommy=safety/security and they worry about you if you leave the room, or set them down, etc. Some kids are also just very curious about what you're doing and want to watch. These kids are often the types who are very alert at an early age in infancy and who need more input and stimulation than the average baby. My oldest daughter was like that, and since she didn't have any siblings to play with/stimulate her need for activity and interaction, I found a solution that would allow both of us what we needed (my need to get things done and her need for input). What I did was buy a backpack carrier that I could put her in and she rode around in that while I did the dishes, cooked dinner, vacuumed, etc. It worked like a charm! She loved watching everything I did as I worked around the house and still could enjoy being "up" with mommy. Maybe this will work for your daughter too.

Now that I've had 4 children, I've found that my toddlers still go through this phase, but I've seen that not all kids are as intensely needy about being held, and those that are like that seem to be less so when they have siblings to play with and distract them. I also have found that it's not a bad thing for them to learn to cope with me not holding them every minute (once they are older than 12 mos.) and I will try to find little things to distract them like a favorite toy, snacks, drink, popsicle, or a little video. I've noticed that they are much harder to distract when they are hungry, tired, or if they have already been playing on their own for their personal limit. But if this is your first-born and she doesn't have any siblings, just remember that you are her only "playmate" at this point and sometimes nothing but mommy will do. Someday she won't even want to be held because she'll discover her autonomy and you'll wish she'll just sit in your lap/arms a little longer...

Blessings,
J.

Yes it is okay to let her cry some at one. Tell her some time is mom time and she can help you by practicing "mom" time by watching and learning. Maybe you could get matching aprons, miniature pots and pans, brooms, etc.

Your doing great. Most kids go through this stage and it is just a stage, it will pass. Don't stress too much and if you need to set her down set her down and invite her to walk/move with you.

thanks for the input....this is grrrrreat! i have a 10 month old..almost 11 months. he right now always wants to be held and if you put him down ,he wines and wines until you pick him back up. if you let him wine too long, and then pick him up, well he i guess is mad for not picking him up sooneer and keeps crying until you show him a picture, the dog or even stand in front of the door looking out. otherwise....it is hold, hold, hold, hold......................................................................................................................................................................................................got the idea......................if no hold....cry.......cryyyyyyyyyyyy. thank god i have a couple of other kids that can hold him a little. my daughter holds him and my 2 sons.. you can't sit down too long either with him...he cries. if you are up and moving around....no crying...happy......so thanks for what more i have to look forward to. i'm so gritten my teeth. can't get enough done while having to hold my little spoiled baby.. i love him. my daughter says.." your turn, my arms hurt"...sons...same thing....me....sammmmmmmmmmmmmme thing. good luck to all mothers who has this same problembo..