Help Understanding Neighbour's Strange Behaviour?

Updated on June 24, 2013
L.K. asks from Fargo, ND
18 answers

About a year ago I got new neighbours next door. I still have not met them however and curious if anyone can help me understand them.

The first we were "in our yards" at the same time I attempted to say hi, introduce myself etc. I am pretty shy myself but noticed they had 2 small boys who appeared to be around my daughter's age and wanted to be polite. Every since then not only do they refuse to say as much as "hello" in passing, the adult literally gathers her kids and rushes them inside whenever WE come outside. At all. Today we came home in the evening and were just walking to go straight from the garage into our house, and she had the kids rushed into their house before we even got to our door.

We have a 5-6' fence between our two patio areas so it's not like we have to get all chatty if we happen to be in our backyards at the same time! I haven't even seen the adult over the fence so I don't know if she's young or old, my age etc. I'm not looking to be friends or anything, I just think it would be nice to know your neighbours and watch out for each other. We had a major fire in our house a couple of years ago and the result of that was I got to meet all of my neighbours, as they really came together to support us. I am still grateful and since then I have tried to make efforts to be less shy and at least get to know more people in our little neighbourhood.

The real reason I'm so baffled by this behaviour is her 2 young boys, if not rushed inside fast enough, try to say "hi" and make contact with us. They come running up and try to peek through holes in the boards, obviously curious to meet my daughter, and she asks about them. Why can't I go say hi to the boys? Why can't they come play? etc. and I honestly don't know what to tell her.

I'm also a little worried about the kids. All the long cold winter, I rarely saw them coming or going. Their walks weren't cleared (and it snowed A LOT), garbage piled up outside, etc. One day I had a friend over babysitting and she said she almost called child services...the woman had put a toddler outside in the pouring rain, in his highchair, and left him there by himself for a long time.

As far as I know we haven't done anything to make them avoid us...loud parties, strange characters hanging around, etc (LOL)...so I'm wondering if anyone can give me an idea of why they would be avoiding us like the plague. I've seen other visitors coming and going so they obviously have SOME contact with the outside world. One of the other neighbours suggested it might be a religious restriction that doesn't allow her to have contact with us?

Anyway, at the risk of sounding like the ultimate nosy neighbour, I'd like to know if there's any ideas so I could "mend fences" with the neighbour, or have a logical explanation for my daughter of why she needs to stop saying hi to the boys. I feel awful every time we want to go outside to enjoy the weather and it forces them to go scurrying into their house.

What can I do next?

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L.B.

answers from New York on

Wow, that is very strange. It does seem like they may be hiding something, perhaps a squalid house or abusive conditions? If there was any incident again like that high chair episode, I would not hesitate to call CPS. I do not think they behave normally and I cannot think of any religion or sect that bans saying hello to a neighbor. For the welfare of their children, I would keep an eye on them.

5 moms found this helpful
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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

My guess would be that this mom is either:

Unfriendly
Has a social anxiety disorder/depressed etc.
religious beliefs
abusive situation at home

Put a note in her mail box saying hi and that if she ever would like to come by and introduce herself, you would love to speak to her. GL

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

This may sound off the wall but those may not be their kids. If you have gotten a good look at the kids check the National Missing Children's website.
After hearing about the ordeal of the 3 women held captive in Ohio for 10 years this is a real possibility.

Maybe have a camera ready to sneek a picture of the kids and the adults living next door. Then check the registry.

15 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

if your babysitter saw a toddler in a high chair in the rain for ANY amount of time - she should have called the police. Taken pictures, video taped it - something. now that it's months ago? they are going to say "okay"

You can't fix this. Even if you went over with a welcome basket of goodies - you can't "fix" it.

The garbage thing? Is there an ordinance or something that prohibits the build up or collection of garbage (it breeds rats, mice, snakes and other vermin) then complain about it.

There are some people who are weird. Sounds like this is one batch of them. If in the future you see a child outside in a high chair unsupervised - call the police. Otherwise? Just keep living your life!!

Good luck!

8 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I've had a handful of strange neighbors over the years, and I can tell you right now you won't be able to "mend fences" with them. Weird is weird.

But, if I saw a toddler left outside in the pouring rain for a long time I would alert the authorities. Something is obviously "off" about these people, and the kids should be protected. Think of the stories you've heard lately, where no neighbors intervened at suspicious goings-on, and terrible things were allowed to continue for years.

There is definitely something out of the ordinary with her: one thing that comes to mind (assuming it's not something worse) is that she could be a hoarder, in which case she deserves a little sympathy for her condition.

Anyway, don't expect to be friends with these people, just keep an eye out for the welfare of the kids. As for answering your kids' questions, just be honest. "The family is not friendly, so the kids can't play."

But have you tried asking the other mom if the kids can play? Maybe you should go over with a plate of cookies and introduce yourself (while peeking in the door), and ask if the kids can play at your house.

5 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

After what happened in Ohio (I think) where the monster kept 3 girls, I would ask the cops to do a welfare check. Better to be safe than sorry.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I started thinking other things not so nice. Kidnapping? Custody issues? etc.etc. I wouldn't worry too much about why, just keep your eyes open.Just read Reverand Ruby's post, good idea. Look at the websites and I looked at where you were from and my brother in laws wife disappeared with their child. You just never know.

5 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from New York on

It's not you it's them. Don't waste your time trying to fix things because your neighbor isn't interested.

4 moms found this helpful
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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I wish your friend had called CPS instantly when that child was left outside -- no, she should have called the police. That child was in imminent danger if he or she was left directly in pouring rain, confined to a high chair. That is not normal behavior for any adult. I would suspect that possibly there could be drug or alcohol use that made the adult forget the child entirely on that day.

We have neighbors with two small toddlers whom we very rarely lay eyes on, and after we went over and introduced ourselves and gave them a small plant when they moved in (never met the mom, only the dad) they have never once done more than the coolest wave when coming and going -- and we almost never see them coming and going. But I see none of the signs you mention here, and I know they both work what seem to be big-time jobs and have both kids in full-time day care, so I figure this is a family with a schedule that keeps them away from home most of the time, even the kids. But what you describe is suspicious --- just having the kids avoid neighbors would not really bug me that much (I am not from a "every neighbor must be a playmate" school of thinking) but the high chair incident and the fact that the kids are physically hustled away every single time anyone appears makes it seem they are hiding. Could be a case where the mom is hiding from an abusive ex, doesn't want it known where her kids are, has some other reason for fear.And that is totally legitimate. But I'd just keep an eye out and if you notice anything like the high chair incident, I'd call the police non-emergency line.

YOU have done nothing wrong. You could just knock on the door and say you wanted to introduce yourself and see if she slams it in your face. Even if she does -- that does not indicate that something CPS-worthy is going on; she may be simply antisocial.

If these kids are school-age, are they not going out to school at all?

4 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

From everything you've said here, it's really apparent that there is no fence mending that needs to be done, mom. It isn't because of who you are or anything you did. Your neighbor is not normal. Don't tell you daughter to stop saying hi to the boys. It's okay for her to say hi. I'm sure those little boys appreciate SOMEONE saying hi to them...

I urge you to call social services and ask them to check those children. God knows what is going on in that house. You need to tell them about the high chair incident.

You cannot live your life feeling bad about her children having to go inside. You need to allow your daughter and her playmates enjoy themselves. I don't know if you can afford to build a fence around your backyard, but if you could, that would solve the problem of the neighbors scurrying back into their house.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.K.

answers from Columbus on

WOW! This definitely sounds fishy!! You say "she" all the time; is there a male or father-figure of any type? Are they ever out in the yard if/when the male is home? Are the children school-age? Have you ever seen them get on a bus? As for the visitors; are they the same ones all the time? Very often and how many? Maybe I've seen too many movies of this type and/or have just gotten so paranoid from watching the news, but this has red flags written all over it. I would do some investigating of some type - either by yourself or get a trusted neighbor involved. Or, if you really feel something isn't quite right, go to the police!!

Good luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

S.G.

answers from Grand Forks on

It is possible it is as simple as religious reasons. They may belong to a religion that does not associate with anyone outside of their faith.

It could be much more serious-perhaps the children were kidnapped. A boy I went to school with kidnapped his two kids from their mother and kept them hidden in an apartment in Mexico with no contact with anyone for over three years.

Maybe they are just unfriendly.

I have a fairly new neighbour on one side who is kind of unfriendly. He is flipping the house and isn't really interested in being good neighbours.

Have you tried going to the door to make a formal introduction?

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A.B.

answers from Louisville on

The things that came to my mind were mental illness on the part of the mother; a custody or kidnapping situation where she is afraid she and the kids might be seen/recognized/found; or a severely abusive situation.

There are really no fences to mend here. However, if I were in your place, I'd make a formal introduction as soon as possible, if for no other reason than to get a better feel for what is going on with this lady. My guess is that she won't be thrilled about having you show up at her door, but at least you could get an idea of whether she is scared, strange, or just reclusive/unfriendly. After that, I would make a point of documenting every strange thing that happens, and make sure to call either the police or child services about anything else that happens with the children that is not appropriate. Whatever is going on with the mom, I am most concerned for the children in this situation and would definitely make an effort to look out for their welfare in any way possible.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

You can't expect neighbors, to be neighbors.
I wouldn't want to be neighbors/friends with them.
If you see anything unlawful or weird or negligent per the kids, call the Cops.
You can do so, anonymously. Just say so.

You cannot make or force neighbors, to be friends.
And neighbors do not have to be friends.
And neighbors do not have to mingle.
And neighbors all have different lives.

There is no fence to mend.
And some people just do not want to socialize.
Neighbors do not have to, socialize.
So you just explain that to your children.

And if there is anything unlawful, call the Cops.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.G.

answers from Houston on

Is this your first time having unfriendly people in your life? I think that's nice you want to be friendly but they obviously don't.

Like you said, you met your other neighbors during an emergency. That's all it may take to meet the ones next door.

Don't make it about you or else you'll make yourself miserable. Yes, its hard to ignore such blatant behavior such as "scurrying into their house" when its right next door, but you're just going to have to and not make it a priority in your life when you go outside. This actually sounds like a good teaching tool for your daughter. She'll soon find out the world doesn't revolve around her and that there will be kids/people in her life that may not want to have anything to do with her, and so you can teach her now how to handle it well by respecting their privacy while at the same time living her life.

You're right in that you can't give your daughter an explanation why she isn't playing with them, because you simply don't know! There isn't anything you've done wrong, there aren't any fences to mend and I'm sure there isn't a religious reason. They are just simply unfriendly.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from Sacramento on

The behavior youve described sounds "off". I agree with another poster who suggested a welfare check. If there is nothing amiss, then there is no harm in calling, and you can cross that of your list of the possible reasons for the strange behavior.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I would not be telling my daughter she couldn't speak to them. This is their **it, not yours. You don't need to own it.

If you see them outside, say hi. If your daughter sees the kids in the backyard through a hole in the fence, let her speak to them.

This just reminds me of Jacey Duggard and the women held hostage that were recently found. People probably noticed some weird things there, but didn't say anything. Your babysitter SHOULD HAVE called CPS. There is no reason to put a young child outside in the rain in a highchair. Keep your eyes peeled and if you see anything else like that, call SOMEONE. Jacey would have been very grateful if my friend, Mark, who went to that house and was introduced to her as the idiot's wife, had listened to his gut and called someone about that strange situation!

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Here are a few possibilities. Take them with a grain of salt, since I know absolutely nothing about you or your neighbor.

1. Are you of different races or ethnic backgrounds? Perhaps she fears your culture or has negative stereotypes and prejudices. Or maybe she thinks you may disapprove of her culture.

2. As you mentioned, maybe it's a religious thing.

3. Maybe she doesn't believe boys and girls of any age should play together. By keeping her boys from even meeting your daughter, she avoids them wanting to set up play dates or go to your house. Maybe she thinks boys and girls playing together always leads to problems of the "Show me yours and I'll show you mine" variety.

4. Maybe she has massive social anxiety, agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) or a fear of meeting new people

5. Maybe she doesn't speak English well, or has a massive speech impediment that embarrasses her.

6. Maybe she has heard you yell at your children and thinks you're a bad mom (I always worry about my neighbors hearing me when I yell at the kids with the windows open!)

I'm not saying ANY of the above are true and certainly don't think any of the suggestions I made about you are true. I'm just coming up with things someone else might think simply by looking at you, listening to you, or seeing the way you dress, the way you live, when you come and go, etc. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom, person, and neighbor. Just trying to come up with explanations for what certainly seems to be VERY weird behavior.

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