Help with Bonus Daughter!- Long!

The preteen years are rough for many blended families; even those that have been together for a while. This is magnified when contact is not frequent. I'm wondering if (mom's potential interference aside) camping or any 24/7 activity might be a little too intense an experience to allow for any necessary re-getting to know each other. Would it be possible to do something that would allow her some alone time if she needed it?

I love the term "bonus daughter." It's a nice way to make "stepdaughter" sound like a real blessing. :-)

My advice is that you keep doing what you're doing. As time passes, she will begin to see for herself that the things her mother says aren't true. That she can be loved by anyone who chooses to love her, not anyone her mother says is allowed to love her.

Snarky snarky Julie S.
She said that the GIRL chose Bonus Daughter. I think that's cute.
NO advice, sorry. This is up to her dad and mom to figure out. I know it's hard.
L.

Why don't you start by not using cutsie terms like bonus daughter. She is your step daughter, she didn't come in a box along with a toy.

Thing is like the term you want this to be your idea of going well. She wants a few days to get used to being there, you take it as an affront to your hospitality.

In other words stop reading everything as negative and go with it. You will both be happier. She is not doing anything wrong.

Okay, I was told by a friend to get over the name.

Thing is she is eleven, she is getting into the leave me alone, I want to hang with my friends not a bunch of babies age. You still see her as this little girl who liked the name.

You can put this on her mom all you want but it is her age.

I, too, love the term "bonus daughter". Many people that I know use this too and I think it's a fantastic way to refer to a step child. As hard as it is, I think you simply proceed with your plans and hope she comes around and has fun. Or perhaps you try to talk directly to bonus daughter and see if she really doesn't want to go camping... or whether her mother is creating an issue where there isn't one. Either way... when she gets to your house, it's probably worth her dad sitting down with her and telling her that she's allowed to have fun with him (and you). It's not a betrayal of her mother. That's a very simplistic way to say it... but it seems like this poor girl is, indeed, caught in the middle. You're not creating the problem... her mother is. But since you and her dad are good and caring people you can help defuse the situation.

Best of luck... perhaps a good way to help would be to see if she can come visit more frequently so it's more normal and less stressful? If she only comes every few months then it's very out of routine for her. And I'd probably hold back on the special trips and awesome stuff you may have done in previous visits and like a previous poster, allow her to simply hang out with you for the next few visits. That way she can see her dad in his normal environment and spend time without extra stress (not that camping is stressful - but it's probably more stressful than just hanging out and going to the park and doing regular stuff).

What is a bonus daughter? How are they different than a stepchild?

Not sure how often she comes, or for how long a stretch, but would you consider a plain jane visit? Sometimes simply having time with dad and his wife away from mom, the home and her usual routine can be challenging enough for an 11 year old without the added excitement/ challenge of finding oneself in a tent, using a camp toilet, and making smores etc.

Sometimes less is more.

Thanks,
F. B.

It may also be that she's playing down any fun she has so that her mom won't feel displaced. I would not bend over backwards. My SD would tell her mom that we weren't fun (and face it, not every day will be fun in a regular family) and we just had to filter it through 11 yr old eyes. It's very common for kids to need transitional time from one house to the other, especially if there is any conflict between parents. Give her the time. You may only get a few good days but frankly, even when SD was living with us, not all days were sunshine and roses. We took the kids to EUROPE and they were grumpy some of the time. I would just ignore it.

Your DH should just calmly state that everyone is going camping and she'll probably get over it once she's there. When my SD was 11, she would come home sobbing and the long and short of it was that she missed each parent when she was with the other one. We assured her that she could see/talk to her mom and we did normal things. I would not fawn over her. I would give her a little space, be normal and consistent.

I would also let her dad take the lead. Something many SMs get into (myself included) is this desire to make it all one big happy when many days it is 1. not and 2. not our job.

I would not try to cajole her mom. I would just have DH state to your SD/his ex that it's his visitation weekend and he'll see her on x day. SD doesn't get to dictate visitation with her dad over something like this.

This is a transitional year. It was the year both my sks started to see things from their own perspective, not just what other people told them, and for SD it was a very difficult thing to navigate.

IMO, I have no issue with bonus son/daughter/mom per se, but I also stick to stepchild/stepmother because I want to take the negative out of it. It is who we are and it is an accurate reflection of the relationship. I think the more "good" stepfamilies that people see, the less stigma there will be about it.

Okay. I read through then closed it out. Then came back and re-read it then closed it out.....thinking and thinking. I'd be so pissed off about this. I'd probably go off on the other mom and act like a crazy "B"...that's me though. I'm a warrior instead of a peaceful meek mom.

From what you've said I gather you and the mom don't spend any time together, don't live in the same town...anything like that where you and she and kiddo could meet for lunch...

I'm thinking nipping it all in the bud. She'd have mom there to stand up for her if the daughter is only agreeing to the camping to make you happy but doesn't really want to go, just pretending to be excited and telling mom she really really doesn't want to do this. Then mom would have you there showing daughter what possible plans could be and she'd have the opportunity to see kiddo excited and stuff if kiddo really did want to do this.

The point is...kiddo could not play mom vs bonus mom against each other and get lots of attention for it. Mom would also not be able to undermine bonus mom's activity because kiddo had plenty of opportunity to ask mom for help because she didn't want to do it in the first place.

I am good friends with my daughter's step mom. That woman has been one of the greatest people we've had the pleasure of knowing. She is a good person and a giving kindhearted lady. She raised my ex husband into becoming an awesome man today.

I am grateful for her taking my daughter in and raising her when she was at their home too. I have been truly blessed by knowing her. I wish all mom's had a woman like this in their family.

We put these kinds of things on my stepdaughter. It is a personal choice to have fun, enjoy events with others, be a good sport, be an active participant with your family, enjoy things for the sake of others, etc. We also emphasize what happens in our house is our business and what goes on in mom's house is mom's business. Not that anyone has anything to hide but there are different rules and different flows to each house. It allowed us to tread carefully around the fact that her mom is uber-controlling and enjoys hurting my stepdaughter as far as having fun with us goes. Finally after five years things have evened out. Where there is no drama, there's no fuel to the fire. I also noticed over time this approach (making it her choice to have fun regardless of who she is with and not making her feel like one of the choices was picking mom v. us) relieved her stress. She does her thing with us and whatever with her mom. We have also taught my stepdaughter; life’s not fair. Her younger brothers are so much younger some of the family activities are geared for them. While they may not be fun for her at her age, guess what? They aren’t all that fun for the adults either. It is more a matter of not catering the little ones but trying to find a balance to entertain everyone. For now at their ages it is skewed to them. The time will come when it is skewed to her or to us. That is part of being a family, give and take while enjoying what gives others pleasure. She really gets that and has fun more often than not even when it’s not something you’d think she would enjoy.

I prefer to give my kids credit for being capable and set the bar high accordingly. More often than not they hit those high standards, developing themselves and taking pride in themselves along the way. Besides when you throw the standard on the ground, everything grows higher than that standard, including the grass, so what’s that low standard do for anyone involved?

I just wanted to say that adjusting to a new home--even a home you love to be at--is hard for a lot of people, kids & adults. If that kid is leaving a parent who pours on the guilt for leaving HER, that makes the adjustment just that much more difficult. My brother had an awful time going back & froth between our home & his dad's home, because the Dad & his wife were toxic people. When my mom re-married, the new *sshole that we all had to live with was (just) marginally better. My bro was the "prize" between our mom & his dad for 7 years. My mom was in custody court every year. It was nasty. Eventually, my bro ran away to live with his dad. He said it was awful there, but he couldn't take it anymore.

When my bro & I talked as adults about that time in our lives, he said he was wracked with guilt, fear, anger--pretty much all the time. I always noticed--even as a kid, how hard the coming & going was for him.

Your BD, love this title, btw, is SO lucky to have you as her BM! I'd bet $ that BD wants to go camping. And that her mom might have a little bit of sour grapes & jealously toward you going on. I hope you go & have a great time! Good Luck!

i don't think you CAN really counteract it. the more you try to whack the mole, the more fraught with the tension the situation will become.
i'd just continue on cheerfully, allow her to experience her own emotions with empathy, but not leap about trying to 'help' her with them. she lives with her mom, and you're not going to counteract THAT.
you sound like a great bonus mom. just remember that your relationship with your BD (i love it!) is unique, and can't be compared to your own parental situation.
khairete
S.