Helping My Child W/ Severe Behavioral Issues

I am sure I have said this to you a few times, you need to accept that he cannot do it without meds. Every time I read your posts you sound so stressed out but you keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result and that just isn't going to happen.

How on earth is he supposed to do what you want when he cannot control his own mind? If you were on one of those whirl a chuck rides that spins you against the side and someone said come here now, would you be able to? or would you have to wait until the ride ends and then exit? How exactly do you expect him to learn to control his mind when he has no idea what a mind under control looks like?

Don't blame his sensory issues for not being able to take a pill. Manipulating you is not a sensory issue, that is his autism, his black and white, cause and effect, autism. It is his if I have a fit I don't have to do something. He doesn't mean to manipulate you, he doesn't realize that is what he is doing, he just knows A + B = C I don't want to do something + temper tantrum = not having to do it. He is autistic, he doesn't understand social cues, he cannot see that others are looking at him funny, that he is scaring them, that he is out of control. He is pure logic and logically if you are not embarrassed a temper tantrum is a brilliant way to get what you want.

Don't believe me pay attention next time you are in a store and someone is at the service desk having an adult temper tantrum demanding service they don't deserve. It works, it works for anyone who isn't embarrassed to be that person and your son will never be embarrassed in the way we are.

My son had a choice, take the pill or drink the awful tasting shake that had the pill ground up in it. He chose to take the pill. As long as you keep giving him an option of not doing, he will keep not doing. It isn't easy, I remember many years of figuring I would be in a nuthouse by now but I am not. I have a fairly happy kid who gets along for the most part with other people. I would not be here if I kept making excuses and just hoping things will change.

take a deep breath.
now look at your schedule. try to make it the same thing every day. you may have to cut back on outings, or change appointments or hire a sitter to keep the daily routine the same every day.
i worked as a teacher and had a child in my class that was high functioning but was also anxious and aggressive. the best days were the days that we strictly stayed on routine. if mom was a few minutes early or late all heck broke loose and within minutes M would have an entire classroom looking like a tornado hit it.
i rearranged my classes daily routine so that it was the same thing every day. and at the same time every day. and this helped M feel in controll because he knew what was next and there were no surprises.
since he needs to feel like he is in controll let him feel that way. give options that he has to decide from and present it as if you don't know what to do: ex. you need to go to store a and to put gas in your car. so you ask him. do we get gas or go to store a? he will then have to choose what you all do. keeping it simple will help too.
you can also hire a sitter that he likes to be with and run your errands without him. (sounds mean to always leave him home but even the high functioning get super stressed when in public, they lack the ability to deal with it and break down easily making the trip difficult and if you opt to leave them home where they are comfortable and safe you will be saving both your sanities)
my aunt always gave my cousin the choice of going out in public to the stores or staying home with ____________ (usually grandma but she had 2-3 other trusted people that he was ok being left home with, and thats a key too, your child has to be ok with the sitter or it won't go well)

hope you find something that helps without having to medicate.

I can't speak to this directly, but I hope these resources can help you.

Re. the aggression, visit this link/blog - autistic adults posting info, etc. to help parents understand what's going on. This post is specific to aggression issues - http://wearelikeyourchild.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-checklis...

Visit autistikids.com - it's a collection of blogs by lots of different authors on the spectrum, who have experiences of different symptoms/'levels' of autism. They've had the challenges your son is having and can give insight. You can visit THEIR blogs and search them, and click on links they have as well.

Also visit the resources page on autistikids.com - there are some great facebook pages - Autism Spectrum Explained, Parenting Autistic Children with Love and Acceptance, etc. You can post questions and they try to help.

Be aware, some ABA is good, but some is REALLY bad and can cause additional stress/PTSD. If you can observe what's going on without being seen, do so. If they won't let you, you need to pull him out because that's not ok.

A lot of behaviors you mention are reactions to overload. Autistic bloggers are a GOLDMINE for understanding. There are also several parents of kids your age on the site, who've "been there/done that" and can give insight as well. Read them and reach out to them.

So sorry you are going through this, mama.

That said, Julie S is 100% correct. You just CANNOT let him rule the roost. ESPECIALLY where medicine is concerned. Sometimes antibiotics are absolutely necessary. You can't let him say no to something that would prevent him from having to go in the hospital where there are needles and IV's and machines beeping and strangers coming in and going out. If you want to prevent THAT kind of scenario, you'll start NOW to make him take the medicine, even if you have to physically force him to do it. You must be stern and demand it. It will be hard at first because you've let him get away with this. No more.

I wish you the best of luck that the medicine will work and give your family some relief.

I will let others who have been through this first-hand help you with the details of medicating and therapy, but I wanted to ask: Do YOU have any form of backup? You don't mention whether dad is in the picture, if dad takes any part of responsibility for things like administering meds or getting your son to and from what surely are many appointments (OT, behavioral therapy, speech therapy, etc.). If dad is in the picture, even if he's working and therefore busy during the days, he might need to take a larger role so that you do not burn out and so that you can wrest some time to do things with and for your other two children. Your other kids are suffering too because their brother is consuming all the attention and energy, and you yourself sound close to burnout. Please ask your son's therapist where you can get help for your own burnout. That help might not be in the form of any counseling right now -- it sounds as if maybe what you need more immediately is someone to take on your son for some hours each week so you can have a break from him, frankly, and so you can give your other kids attention and give them a break too.

Regarding your son's aggression and kicking and defiance about things like leaving the house, plus total inflexibility if things don't happen in the order he wants -- Should the behavioral therapy be dealing with those things? If not, has he not been getting that therapy for very long? Or has he been doing it a while and it's not having an effect on his behaviors? I would really question whether the therapist or form of therapy is working for him if he is continuing to get physical and has no ability at all to deal with transitions or changes. If he's new to this therapy, that's one thing, but if it's gone on for a while there might be a need for a fast and serious revisiting of what might be needs greater than the therapist can handle.

I feel so awful for you as the mom, and for your other kids. Of course your son is suffering terribly and feels the whole universe is out to get him all the time. But your other kids and yourself need some way to have breaks from him and at least have your own relationships that don't end up focused back on him. That's why I'm wondering what role dad (or other relatives or caregivers, even hired ones) could play here, and whether the help your son is getting is enough, despite lots of services.

I say this because I have a friend who had to find paid caregivers to spend time with her son each week because she realized she was starting to resent her child and his dominance in the household (even though she knew that he couldn't help his conditions). She also saw that her other kids were starting to have serious resentment toward their brother even when he wasn't acting out and taking attention.

My grandson is autistic, having similar behaviors to those you describe your son as having. I have difficulty getting him to take his meds. His Dad doesn't give him a choice. He hands the pill to him, says take this pill and stands there, looking at him until he does. I asked his Dad what would happen if he refused? He said they would be standing, doing nothing else until he did. His Dad's voice is firm but confident. His voice says, I know you will do this.

My grandson started to refuse aND said the pill made his tummy hurt. He ate very little and said he didn't feel good. His mom made an appointment with his doctor and she changed the med.

Actually, she's a physician assistant or maybe a nurse practitioner whose specialty is Spectrum and ADHD. My grandson has been to her several times in past year with the goal of evening out his temperament. She started by having OHSU and his pediatrician do full medical work ups. Then she has monitored his medications changing them as needed. He sees a counselor whose office is in the same clinic 2×/month and the two of them work together.

My daughter had tried to find support for her son. She tried what was available and those things didn't work. Starting at age 3, he received a lot of different therapies. They helped with physical issues but not with behavioral issues. Now that he's getting the right medication he's much less angry and acts out much less often. He's now 12. We wonder what his life and ours would've been like if he'd had the right medication earlier.

I don't know how you can find this help. We found the PA through his couselor. My daughter just kept asking.

Another help she recently found was a home aid who spent several hours with her son 4 days/a week during the summer and a couple of hours after school now. The aid spends time with my grandson. His mom gets a break. The state pays for this. My daughter had to be persistent to get the help. Just in the last year she's found help on the Internet by googling various combination of words that include autism. She says there is more available now than a few years ago.

When the kids refused to take their meds I gave them their meds. I wrapped them in a blanket and laid them on top of the chest of drawers. I used my arms to anchor them and I put their meds in a bulb squirter. I would put a few drops at a time in their mouth then hold their teeth together. I would do this a few times and they'd decide they were more than willing to take their meds on a spoon.

I know you probably think this is horrible but they took their meds after that. I had no further issues.

One of my sons was just like this. At 13 he started getting in trouble with the law and we sent him to a Wilderness camp to help him before it was too late. He now goes to a residential treatment facility/school and he's doing MUCH better. I know how difficult it is, my life was just like yours. Hang in there, you feel alone but I promise you're not.