I have come to the point where I can no longer go to my sister's house and it's difficult to have her kids over because they don't listen and all of the time spent with them is consumed by their behavior. My sister's house is a disaster area. They have a beautiful house that they have let their children, mainly the two middle boys destroy. They have 5 kids - 2 girls and three boys in that order. the two oldest boys have drawn on the carpet, furniture, walls, you name it. They painted the computer screen with white out, the younger of the two has urinated on the basement floor, in closets, painted on siblings doors with nail polish and most recently thrown lotion all over the stairs/carpet in the front hallway of their home. The throw wrappers all over the house, sneak food and leave it all over the house, never pick up after themselves, etc. etc. etc. The older two, the girls, are made to clean up after the two boys becasue when asked, the two boys do nothing. They are both embarrassed by the condition of the house and never have friends over because of it. They are not perfect, don't get me wrong, but all of the time at home as a family is consumed by the two oldest boys because they are constantly in trouble or making it. I believe that the lack of follow-thorugh by my sister and b-i-l is a huge issue. There are always threats in response to their awful behavior but never any consequences. I have babysat for all of the kids many times for 8-14 days at a time. This includes my own two children, so there are 7 in the house. When my husband and I are there, the house gets cleaned and stays clean, laundry is done and put away, the kids toys/belongings are put where they can be found and/or belong, we make and eat dinner together every night and have time to spend as a family each evening. I don't think I am perfect but I really can not take their boys destructive/aggressive/mean behavior and I really can't take the way they behave for our mom who has and will do anything for them. Do I sit down with them and tell them that I am finished? My mom point blank told my sister that until she and her husband make it clear to the boys that they have to listen to her when she is watching them, they can't come back to her house....how much more obvious can we make it without potentially hurting or losing them? I love all of the kids and my kids adore their cousins...any experiences similar to this out there? I am open to suggestions. I don't want them to be exactly like me, but I want the kids to enjoy their family life and the two oldest are miserable and the youngest boy is learning quickly by example from his older brothers...and it's not looking good. Thanks!
Thank you, everyone! It is great to get perspective and read other's viewpoints and experiences. As of yesterday we found out that my sister is taking both of the boys to a children's therapist or psychologist depending on what her pediatrician recommends. I think that this step is a huge move in the right direction. I know that when there are a lot of kids in the family it is tough to give individual attention in equal amounts but at this point in time, the only two getting attention are the boys and it's all negative. I feel like this decision opens the door for me to let my sister know that I am here for her and her kids and that her daughters have both confided in our mom, my husband and myself about how unhappy they are with the household situation - physically and emotionally. At the end of the day, I don't care if the house is a mess as long as the kids are happy - I don't condone trashing the house, but I don't expect it to be spotless! To the person who recommended the Nanny...believe me, we have talked many times about signing them up, but I am not sure that is the right direction...it's so public and I wouldn't put them in that spotlight, I know that this situation is difficult for them. I can't imagine them going through this on TV! However, her ideas are great and easy to employ, so I am going to get it for my sister. I will keep you all updated, thanks again for all of the answers, thoughts and ideas!
Call Supernanny!
Seriously, they need help. Sounds like they don't know what to do. Buy her the Supernanny book and have a heart-to-heart with her.
Did your sister has asked for your help and input ? If not I wouldn't say anything. It's not up to you to guide her along and although you are coming from a good place at wanting to assist her she could take it as an insult and react badly.
My best friend's sons were horrid when they were growing up. They use to hurt my kids all the time with rough play. She didn't see anything wrong with this and so I said nothing. Of course my priority was keeping my children from being injured so when she'd call for a get together we were always busy or just getting over an illness. We'd see each other without the kids and that worked out great.
When your sister calls and asks if you can watch the kids explain that it's too much for you to handle on top of your own children. I'd love to help but I can't possibly manage is fine.
My sister and I have totally different ideas on how to clean our houses. When I visit her I clean her kitchen and her bathroom. My neices are grown and they are amazing women so I can't say that they lack from not being nagged daily to clean up after themselves. They had a wonderful family life and still do.
I don't tell my sister how to live her life and she doesn't tell me how to live mine, it works out very well. I love her and admire her strengths and that is what I focus on when I am with her... not her weaknesses.... or mine thankfully!
My house is disorganized. Believe me, I didn't need my SIL to point it out to me and tell me that we were the family joke and that people didn't want to come to our house because of it. I already knew it, and having it pointed out to me just made me more self conscious and embarrassed, to the point where I now refuse to host family events. It is very difficult to work full time and raise 2 active children when you don't have that natural organizational skill to begin with. I can't imagine what it is like to have 5 active children. It is one thing to do it for 8-14 days at a time, quite another to have it be your everyday forever. I'm guessing that there aren't a lot of boundaries for behavior in your sister's house hold, and coupled with the disorganization the kids are running wild. I got sick of being the family joke and being embarrassed to have guests over and I have recently worked with an organization company to help me organize the house for my daughter's sake and we have set some consistent rules for our children which has helped. I think you would do better to ask your sister how you can help rather and lead by example rather than confront her and tell her that you are finished. I'm sure she knows she has a problem and with 5 children, sometimes you get so backed up, you just are too overwhelmed to know where to start. Plus, if she is tired, it is hard to reinforce the rules. She needs some solutions. You could also help by continuing to support your nieces. they will always need someone to talk to (organized household or not).
How your sister chooses to raise her kids in her house is her business. However, I would sit down and have a heart to heart. Start by telling her that you love her and all her children, put your parenting styles are different. Tell her straight out, the boys are no longer welcome in your home. Also tell her that until the boys are under control you will no longer go over to her house and watch them. Also make sure you tell her that you would love to see her, her hubby, and the kids on a regular basis and maybe you could all go on a picnic together.
I would suggest making a copy of this letter as it is articulate and tells how you feel. Then take it to your sister. They need some parenting classes and to take some bold steps. They appear to be afraid to discipline. Let them know that they are not supposed to be their kids friend-they are parents. I grew up in a family with six kids It is definitely a little harder to keep a lot of children tidy, however it sounds like it's worth a try. Sounds like the parents sort of gave up. Tell them you will, too if they don't shape up.
you have an absolute right to dictate how things will be in your house, and to refuse to visit theirs if you don't like how they run it. i myself would have a very low tolerance for that behavior in my home and would prefer not to spend time around it. but.....they are family. how much are you willing to alienate them permanently to make your point? i think it's wonderful that you go there to babysit and get everything ship-shape, but it's probably time for you to accept the fact that your sterling example is not going to be followed, and if you keep expecting that because you do it they should, you're going to become resented. you should probably have a frank, LOVING conversation with your sister that is about YOU. YOUR discomfort with the boys' actions in YOUR house. what they do in theirs in ultimately none of your affair, although of course as family you can't help but be somewhat aware of it. but it's not for you to impose your standards, rules or parenting methods on them. they know you as well as you know them. if they wanted to implement your way, if they considered you an example that they wished to follow, they'd have done it already. you can arrange for visits and outings with the girls, and agree to take or meet the boys somewhere neutral like a park to play, with the understanding that if they do not listen to you (if you're the adult in charge) that the outing ends right there. you don't have to suffer unacceptable behavior for one minute, but you also need to understand that their family pattern is very different from yours, and creating a family life that the kids will enjoy is not something you can be responsible for. and for the love of mike, please do NOT follow the advice to copy this letter to them. it's fine here, but given to your sister? it would be harmful and hurtful.
you must draw a wiggly boundary that encompasses love but prevents encroachment. not an easy task.
khairete
S.
The Bible says bad company ruins good morals. So if you feel the cousins will influence your children in a bad way, you are wise to limit their exposure to them. Pray for the family. AF
I would definitely make a point to say something. Things are only going to get worse as the kids get older and if they act this way with their family, I would wonder how they act in school, at friends houses, etc. Sometimes parents don't want to hear it, but they need to, and coming from a family member instead of a friend or teacher, may be easier to hear and take action. Good luck, it sounds like they have a few lessons to learn-both kids and parents!
