Here I Am Again

I was just recommended the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. You may want to check it out. It could provide some stability at your house and give your son the tools to deal with the chaos at his father's. Otherwise, I think you are right to not rise to your ex's bait. You also need to make sure that you don't talk negatively about him around your son, and by all means, don't let it affect your relationship with your fiance.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Parenting isn't a popularity contest as your ex seems to think it is. A good parent is loving, kind, sets boundaries, and enforces the rules. All of which can make one very unpopular with the kids.

I don't have any advice on how to handle an ex that sounds like a first class jerk, but I wanted to let you know that you and your fiance are the GOOD PARENTS.

The ladies here had some excellent advice. I especially like the documentation part. Keep notes. Make sure the ex gets copies of all the doctor's notes and what not.

And yes, I have held my kids down so they would take their medicine. Sometimes, that was the only way.

My dear, I empathize with you deeply. I went through similiar situations with my ex and his manipulative and controlling ways. Firstly, let me say that (based on what you've written) that you and your fiance are doing your best and I applaud you. Like another mom wrote, you really need to start documenting EVERYTHING. It may seem really tedious and time consuming in the beginning but trust me, if you ever have to go to court and you have calendars with details written for everything, that will give you the upperhand. Also, you need to stop speaking with your ex so much. I learned this the hard way after re-marrying. They still try to belittle and manipulate you till the very end. The only way don't have a chance is simply not speak (verbally) with him. Do everything through email and text. This is also another really good way to document everything, especially if he's threatening you or belittling you as a mother. If he does try to get at you with your email or text, simply don't reply if you don't have to or just be simple, civil, and 'sweetly' assertive. As for administering medicine to your child, don't beat yourself up. Only you know the situation b/c you're the one who was there. We has parents do things necessary at the given moments for the well-being of our children. In hindsight, yes you may feel some guilt (we all do) but you have to shake it off b/c you're trying your best. It's also VERY easy for the other parent to find every fault in the world but they're not the custodial parent who has to deal with all the everyday routines and care. Also, let your fiance "handle" sometimes. Those types of men dare not speak to other real men that way. I am speaking from experience b/c I also have a "DisneyWorld Dad" who comes with an added bonus of being rude, manipulative, and controlling. I wish you all the luck in the world to you, your fiance and your baby. XOXO

Do you have an Attorney? That is what you need.
And especially since your Ex is Toxic and mean and not rational and abusive.

Also, get from your child's Doctor, written instructions on how to manage your son's health issues... and how to administer the medicines...
Your Ex cannot dispute that. Unless he then says that Doctor is inept. But your Ex is NOT a medical professional.

You need an Attorney.

You are not wrong to make a small child take medicine he needs. It is easier if you can do it without a fight but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Can you get something in writing from the doctor about caring for his his allergies and ear tubes? Sometimes the doctor's office will have an instructional hand out for parents. If it is an on going battle maybe a court order or some kind of legal mediation is the way to go. It never hurts to keep a written record of your son's health issues (just a notebook with dated entries is fine), especially if he comes back from a visit with symptoms. Even if it is never needed for court it may help tracking his allergy issues (what he ate on days with food allergy symptoms, weather related stuff if he has airborne allergy symptoms).

This is a very hard situation you are in. My advice is to link up with your fiance and stop talking to your ex so much. Just tell him to leave you a note if he has something he needs to convey about your son, otherwise you don't need to deal with him. There is a reason you are divorced. You don't need to put up with it anymore, that doesn't mean you are rude back it just means you hang up the phone.
See what you can do about getting a court order that says he must administer all prescription medications. That may scare him into doing it, if not you can work together with your doctor to accumulate proof.
Is it possible that you can change your schedule so your ex will not have any contact with his daycare? If so do it! Give him as little ammo against you as possible, give him as little contact into YOUR life as possible.
It probably will not get easier, all you can do is the best you can. Be willing to fight for your son no matter what it takes.

Measure the meds before he goes to dads, and when he returns to see if the doses were given, record everything, including the childs condition before and after each visit. If he is withholding meds the child needs, that is a huge problem and custody may need to be adjusted to limit the amount of nights he is with his father.