Holidays - Rosemount,MN

Friends always come to ask my son to play on holidays. It's no big deal. The friends just end up playing with my kid and his cousins. The more the merrier! If he is in the middle of something they always understand.

Holidays are family time at my house. No play dates. I think it's kind of inappropriate but not a super big deal... You just tell the kids "no, we are having family time so the kids can't play today".

There is nothing wrong with kids asking if your kids can play. Maybe their family does morning stuff, who knows. If you have family over or if they just can't play you just say we have family over now, maybe they can play tomorrow. I don't see why you see this as a big deal.

Perhaps I'm missing something but what's the huge deal about children asking if your children can play? Be happy your children have friends to enjoy. If you are so vehemently against friends coming over during holidays or other events then say so, don't just allow a friend over and then complain to others about it. You're the parent if you don't want kids over then don't allow them over.

Who are you to judge what other parents allow their children to do? Sorry, but a holiday is just a day like any other albeit to some it is special but to others it is just a day. If you have NOT expressly told the parents of your children's friends that you find this unacceptable how can they know?

It is pretty normal in our neighbourhood for kids to drop by without calling ahead. If they come at a time when it is inconvenient we just tell them that it is not a good time right now. I have never felt the need to complain. As for it being a holiday, not everyone celebrates Easter the same way, if at all.

Or, maybe they already had their Easter celebration and were ready for normal play...maybe they don't have as much family in town and their celebration doesn't last all day.

I think you might partly set yourself up for this by initially inviting them in/not saying 'no' in the first place. Now you set the precedence that it is okay for them to join your family parties so their Mom gets the impression that you don't mind.

Like many of us, I am sure their mom is not a mind reader. She is not going to know of your annoyance because you have always accepted her children in the past. Saying 'no' this time, and any future events should change any misconceptions. But that mom is NOT going to know your true feelings if you continue to allow her kids to play, "uninvited" anyway.

If I were that mom, and my kids went over to ask to play, and the other mom said yes and let them in to participate in the party events, to me, that would say "I don't mind your children coming over even when we have family and other things going on"...I think you are sending the wrong message and are crabby at the wrong person.

Keep saying 'no' if you don't like your parties getting interrupted.

I think the more the merrier. Anyone and everyone is welcome at my house. I actually love it when my neighbors stop over during a party...my house is absolutely perfect and I have plenty of food to serve:)

I have mixed feelings.. On the one hand, I definitely like the idea of kids taking time to focus on family (esp if within the family there are other kids for them in the house to play with) whereby , outside friends might infringe on that. Although, another part of me likes the idea of a happy household where it's ok to have friends over. I think if the kids have eaten and you don't need them around to clean up.. then sure, let them play... childhood is short... might as well enjoy a holiday..

As I get older, I am beginning to realize that life is more fun when I go with the flow.. There was a time when all my dishes had to match and ALL the food had to turn out perfectly.. now, most of my wedding wine glasses are broken (we use mix match) same goes with serving dishes.. I have found that what's most important to me whenever I host a holiday is LAUGHTER... lots of laughter... and joy.. growing up, I didn't get a lot of that on holidays... so maybe I am making up for it now..

so yeah.. I say, let the kids play..

in the neighborhood where my kids did most of their growing up, it was very very common for kids to show up at the door asking to play. we parents did not orchestrate all their outside playtime, we left it up to them to handle it.
if kids came at a bad time, we told them it was a bad time. it would never have occurred to me that a 7 or 9 year old child was being 'tacky.' it was just a kid who wanted to play, and we could say no.
many times my kids came back home and said 'so and so can't play today' and went on about their business.
why is it all the other parents' job to figure out what's going on at your house? is a courteous 'not today' that horribly difficult to say?
khairete
S.

I think it's two separate issues. Everyone does different things on the holiday. We have no family at all in TX, so my kid would not have family plans. I would myself assume that other people have family plans, but I would try to be aware of what my kid's friends were doing on the holidays. If I had no set plans in place, it wouldn't bother me. If I had set plans in place, it wouldn't bother me UNLESS the kids expected to "crash" them just because they showed up. I would simply say "sorry, we have plans today." They're just kids. Why don't you just talk to the parents as the next holiday approaches and let them know that your kids won't be able to play because of family plans.

they are CHILDREN!!!

Their parents are not in SIGHT? Okay. So call them and let them know where they are.

Sweet mother of God!! What ever happened to "the more the merrier"??? Oh wait...are these the kids you have a problem with? Or more like you have a problem with their parents? You were upset that they didn't take your kid to a party they were hosting...

Look. You can tell the kids outright, "I"m sorry. We have family over at this time. You can come back later." or you can make them feel welcome in your home and be "NEIGHBORLY"...

No. My kids don't show up unannounced. No. My kids aren't gone for hours at a time either. I know where my kids are. These kids parents? They might be what is called "Free Range" parenting...letting their kids out into the world...

Seriously. Stand up for yourself and your family and set boundaries and rules. You can also make these kids feel welcome and give them the stability or whatever else it is they are missing in their life? If you don't like them and your kids do? Get over your ill-will towards the parents.

I really don't know what to tell you. You have issues. You seem to want it all on your terms and your way. I don't know. maybe I'm reading your posts wrong.

Welcome them. That's what I would do. At least I know they would be safe and welcome in my home.

This morning my family (mom, dad, brothers, SIL's, and nieces) all got together for an easter egg hunt and breakfast. This evening we all went to my parent's house and had dinner.
Between the egg hunt and dinner my boys (7 and 10) were outside playing with all the other neighborhood kids.
L.

This has an easy fix that you can do. Politely tell them, "no, the kids can't play" and calmly close the door. You are under no obligation to let kids into your home or to send yours outside to play.

Unless you know the parents you do not know what they've said to their kids. It's easy for a kid to say, "my mom sent me." It's also possible that the mom wasn't aware that you were having a party that would exclude their kids. I suggest that you stop trying to "know" the motivations of other people and focus on doing what works for you.

My daughter played with her friends on holidays. So do my grandchildren. I suggest that, if this bothers you, that you talk with the mom and let her know not to send her kids over on a holiday. In reality this mom cannot read your mind. Her expectations are different than yours. Different and not wrong. It's up to you to set and enforce your boundaries. I suggest that the need to accommodate the kids is your need and not the expectation of the other parent.

Please see my post to your question about "Friends and Neighbors."
http://www.mamapedia.com/public_profile/7689544996034379777

My kids are young, 6 and 3, but so far I haven't had many "problems" with them having friends. If a child comes over and wants to play and that's fine by me, I say yes. Then there's nothing to complain about, because I said yes. If a child comes over and it's not fine, I say no. Then there's nothing to complain about, because I said no. I would hope you don't take this out on the children, since they are only doing what children do: playing, and looking for others to play with.

There is ONE child in my neighborhood who comes over nearly every day, we found it to be a little bit of an issue because she didn't want to follow our rules without trying to argue, and she's 2 years older than my oldest. We looked into it a little and tried to reach out to her mother, realized that the child was in a bad situation and didn't have many options at home. She can play when it works for me, but I'm structured and explain that we have rules and do things a certain way, and if she can go with that, then she is welcome. She's gotten much better. When it doesn't work for us, she finds someone else to play with or goes home. I don't find that anything to get mad about.

As for holidays: they really are family time for us. But I wouldn't get mad if someone asked to play. Today was a lovely day: we made a big breakfast all together, as a family project. We celebrated privately, then went to church, then came home for lunch and a nap (we were all out very late last night: soccer, 6 Flags, late night fun with friends). After naps, the kids enjoyed their easter treats and egg hunt. We played some family games. For us, if it's "family time" that is so serious that we aren't allowing friends over, that would also mean no TV, computer, phone, or other distractions for anyone in the house, lol. Once the easter stuff was done, I wouldn't care if someone came over to play or talk. But we had dinner and went to church again. Now, first time since early yesterday morning, I can take some time on the computer.

I do remember my best friends playing at my house, and me also playing at their houses when I was a child, on Christmas day and other holidays. I don't see it as an issue at all. Certainly not one to get feathers ruffled over. Just use your words (ha). If it's ok, good...if it's not, just say not today and go on with your day. No reason to judge or get annoyed.

You can only control your actions and how you respond to them. You should have set boundaries from the beginning. If you allowed it the first time then of course they will do it again. Whose fault is that? You say they looked upset when you turned them away--OH WELL!! Tell them when it is "family time only" and your kids are not able to play. Give them a good time or day to come back.

Honestly, I don't mind at all friends or neighbors asking my kids to play during holidays or so, and because I know that many people feel and think the way you do, I just teach my kids not to go during holidays or family gatherings. It doesn't bother me at all.

If there is more background to this, then I am unaware, and it may change my answer. But on the face of it, I would probably feel much like you.

Some holidays are very family oriented for us. If it is JUST our immediate family at home, then generally I don't care if a neighbor kid wants to hang out also. But, when we have family come to our house to visit with us, I am more particular about it. Why? Not because I don't want to be welcoming to the un-invited "guest", but because I want to be polite to my INVITED guests. And when my kids' bud from two doors down is here, he is much less inclined to play and interact with his several years younger cousins. And family relationships are important to us. When our family drives over an hour to visit with us for 3 hours or so, then I feel it is rude for an uninvited kid to invite himself to join in. Just like I won't allow my kid to leave our house and go 2 houses down to play while his cousins are here. He can be a polite "co-host" with the rest of the family and get to know his cousins and make some family memories.

I can see wanting to be welcoming to the poor kid whose parents don't seem interested in what their doing... I can. But sending that kid home one time isn't going to ruin his life, either.

And frankly, when it comes to holidays, they aren't all created equal. Some are more "community" oriented to begin with. Some are more private and personal. Like Easter, for example. And Christmas can be that way too, at least in the earlier part of the day. As the afternoon wears on, if we don't have other family here, then I don't care if they have friends come around and they play. But if we still have grandma and aunt/uncle so & so, and 3 or 4 cousins running around... the neighborhood kids can wait.

I hope that doesn't make me sound scrouge-ish. I certainly don't feel that way about it. But I would never allow my kids to go barge in on a neighbor's Christmas or Easter day either, without an invitation from them. Now, Memorial Day, Labor Day, St. Patrick's Day, whatever.... fine. As long as we have enough of whatever we are doing to go around... I don't really care, and I welcome the extra merriment. But some holidays mean something more than a day out of school or a day off work, and it irritates me if someone who doesn't value it beyond that invites him/herself into something I view very differently. Something that I view as family time.

So... in general... if these kids come over frequently uninvited... so what? Unless they are unruly or do harm or don't play nicely, the no big deal. But on Easter? I would send them home if we were doing something or had family over, most likely. If they were the same ages as our nieces/nephews and they got along and played well together... it might be a different story, too. But the neighbor kids who would come over at our house, are older or same age as my son (high school)... not really elementary school peer material.

I understand your frustration but try to think about it from someone else's perspective too (yes, they should do that as well). The kids know you are home and they want to play...maybe have been bugging their mom that they don't have anyone to play with or specifically asking to come to your house. So mom says "Then go see if it is ok". The kids translate that to "Mom said we should come see if we could come in an play". It doesn't mean that their Mom came up with the idea and sent them over but rather said to go see if it ok (maybe she figured it would not be but it would get them off her back).

My daughter loves the older couple next door and always wants to go see them when they get home. Sometimes when we say they aren't home and she thinks they are, I will let her go knock on the door so she is convinced. They love her like another grandchild but will send her home if/when necessary (even when their grandchildren are there). She goes sometimes to see them and sometimes to see their grandchildren. I expect them to send her home if it's not convenient but fact is, they often invite her (and sometimes us too) even when it is otherwise just family.

You can/should just tell the kids when they knock..."Sorry, we have family visiting today. Have your mom call us tomorrow and we'll see what time might work"".

I didn't allow my daughter to roam the neighborhood unsupervised at that age. So she definitely would not have been popping in at the neighbor's house uninvited.
And when kids showed up at my house uninvited, I let them in IF it was not an inconvenience. If it wasn't a good time, I just told them it wasn't a good time and sent them home.

Oh no, it's not normal or acceptable, IMO. It sounds like the parents just don't want to deal with their kids and are happy as long as they don't have to interact with them. We have one girl like that in our neighborhood and she will try to question me if I tell her that DD can't play. It's ridiculous. I have no issues turning a kid away at this point. I've learned real quick to set boundaries and not feel bad about it.

Not acceptable... all you do is need to tell them that now isn't a good time to play and they need to go home. Eventually, maybe M. will get the message?