How Can We Say No to My Husband's Parents Without Being Mean?

Just tell you inlaws that you are not comfortable having him spend the night so far away. I was the same way with my son when he was younger spending the night at my mother in laws. She still lets him have whatever he wants but now that he is older I let it slide more. Good luck!

I am thee perfect person to answer this question. I do not think you are being unreasonable, your just being a mom. I understand exactly where you are comeing from, and I would firmly say that he(your son)is not allowed to stay at anyones house without you being there until you feel comfortable leaving him.Whether it is jealousy or not, he is your son, and you are his one and only mom.You know your sons needs.You prob know when he is getting ready to get into something he is not to be into, and that is hard for some grandparents to predict.What about them getting gates, and gateing off all the dangers.Maybe when they do that, you may feel comfortable leaving him for a day or so later on....

Well, I think 18 mo is awfully young to be left for more than a few hours. I couldn't imagine leaving my daughter for an overnight, nevermind a few days, and she's almost 2.

Next visit you're there, I would gently start working on the issues of them disrespecting your parenting rules to your face. Say they offer him a candy and you say "No, he may not have that" and they give it to him anyway, swoop in and take it away and throw it in the garbage (and offer him something else healthy right away) and say "Sorry, I guess Grandma didn't hear me, I said you couldn't have that." Firm but pleasant. It's kinda passive-aggressive but that's what they're doing to you, too.

I do not think you are being mean or unreasonable. My daughter has spent a couple of night with my husband's parents but thats has only been a handful of times. Usually it is when we need to take our son to the ER or he has surgery or when he was born. My MIL (who lives right across the street from us) has been very reasonable. My son is allergic to eggs so she knows to look at every label before she gives him anything. My FIL is another story. He seems to forget so my MIL is always yelling at him. LOL it is kinda funny. Now my sister and father live in another state. My sister especially is known for giving him whatever and everything/ She only gets to see the kids once a year. So we bring snacks that he can have and are on our toes when we go ot her house. It was actually at my dad's house that we found out about his allgery. He was 9 months old and we was having eggs for breakfast my dad was like oh eggs wont hurt him and so we caved. He broke out in about 5 minutes he was covered in hives and red from head to toe. My family tends to forget about his allergy becuase no one else in our family has any allergies. My sister is always saying when we visit to leave the kids with her but i personally cant. I don't want anyone watching my kids unless there is no way around it. There are just too many things that could happen. I am like this with my own family and my husband's family and my husband feels the same way. We just let everyone know up front how things are. The safety and welfare of your child is the most important thing. We as parents need to vigilant about our morals and rules. We let my MIL know the rules of our house and how we disipline our children. While I know she doesnt always agree she does respect our decision. You need to sit down and explain to them how you feel. Make sure you and your husband are talking. Maybe have your husband start the conversation, that way his parents dont think its just you who feels this way.

THERES NO EASY OR NICE WAY TO TELL THEM NO. BUT YOU CAN TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE JUST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR SON BEING SO FAR AWAY OVERNIGHT .. YOUR JUST NOT READY FOR THAT STEP YET. I DONT BLAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING YOUR CHILD THERE OVER NIGHT AT ALL. IF THEY CANT FOLLOW THE RULES WHILE YOU ARE THERE THEN YOU KNOW THEY WONT WHEN YOUR NOT THERE. THEY SHOULD HAVE A BABYGATE INFRONT OF THE BASEMENT STEPS AND CATS JUMP SO IT WOULD BE ABLE TO GET OVER THE GATE AND GO DOWN THERE. I WOULD WORRY TOO IF THEY REFUSE TO SHUT THE BASEMENT DOOR , YOUR RIGHT YOUR SON COULD FALL DOWN THEM AND BADLY HURT HISSELF. AND YOUR SON IS 18 MONTHS WITCH MEANS HES STARTING TO CLIMB AND GET ALL OVER THE PLACE . I WOULDNT LET HIM GO UNTIL HE WAS AT LEAST 2 AND UNTIL THEY FOLLOW THE RULES WHILE YOUR THERE THEY CAN'T HAVE HIM OVERNIGHT ! HE IS YOUR CHILD NOT THERES. THEY SHOULD FOLLOW THE RULES YOU HAVE SET FOR YOUR CHILD. I DONT ALLOW SMOKING AROUND MY KIDS AND WHERE EVER WE GO EVERYONE KNOWS THEY HAVE EITHER A DESIGNATED ROOM OR OUTSIDE TO SMOKE OR WE WONT COME BACK. THEY WILL PROBLEY GET MAD BUT THEY WILL HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR RULES AND GET OVER IT IF THEY WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILD. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND MAKE SURE THEY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE THESE RULES!

GOOD LUCK M.

You have no obligation to leave your child with anyone unless you feel comfortable with it and want to do so. 18 months is still very young and a dangerous age for getting into things - especially in an environment that is not baby proofed under the supervision of people that just don't see the dangers.

My in-laws live in town - one just on the next street over - and we don't send our kids to stay there. If the kids (21 months and just 3 years) are going to be awake the whole time, we'll drop them off at my mother-in-laws. Otherwise we always ask her to come to our house so the kids can go to sleep in their own bed. We even had her come to our house at least for sleeping when she watched our older one when we were in the hospital having the second (the ONLY time we've left either overnight, by the way!). We always use the argument (which is a reality) that they won't go to sleep other places without a lot of work and they don't sleep well. We've had plenty of experiences with this from family trips when we were the ones trying to put them down. My mom lives about 45 minutes away and has to do a lot to help her 88 year old mother with Alz and my neices so we don't ask her to leave to stay at our house. But her house is better equipped to deal with young children because of my neices being there a lot. Again, I think my daughter was only there one of the nights when I was in the hospital. If she watches them, we just pick them up in their jammies and bring them home to sleep otherwise. I don't know how your son does with going to sleep but that could be one excuse.

I know what you mean about just offering things to eat and not really checking to see if things are ok or not. Mine do the same, but have improved over time. We are vegetarians so we are very watchful of their foods. Our families don't offer them meat exactly, but have offered things that are made with animal products other than dairy or egg (we eat those). Things with gelatin is a big one. It's usually just them not knowing. After a time or two of that with things that they didn't imagine would have it, they got better about checking first before offering and having our child lose it when we take the item from them. This summer my younger one had a severe nut reaction so now they are even better because we've made it very clear that he can't have anything related to nuts, processed with them or anything. So we basically make them show us labels now or they can't give them food. Our kids really love fruit so we've gotten family to see that over time and now they will often offer that as a treat which which basically never argue with.

You said your in-laws are very lax on safety. I'd be concerned with leaving him because of any driving too. My husband and I are really particular about our kids and their carseats. I just don't trust really anyone to be as vigilant with buckling. My father-in-law as talked about taking my kids in his car and there is just no way. He's not a safe driver and he's clueless about the carseats. He has a way of not really caring about details and doesn't pay attention. I don't trust that he'd get all of the 5 points attached properly or remember to pull up the chest clip. On that piece we just say it's a big pain to pull carseats in and out - which it is. We've got 2 next to each other and soon we'll have a 3rd across the back in a station wagon. There is rarely a reason it's worth putting them in another car...again when we were in the hospital having our second.

I'd just make a fuss over still being new parents and just blame it on your being over-protectiveness. Tell them you just aren't ready to be separated from your son for several days and not that distance. There was a possibility my husband was going to have a work trip/bonding in the Bahamas that I was also supposed to attend. We had both decided that we would not attend under any circumstance and go that far from our kids - maybe we're crazy, but we like to be close to them and just aren't willing to do it.

Just still to your guns and know that you are right. Maybe you can offer that they could come and stay at your house for a few days with him to see him longer. Or maybe when you're ready, you could ask them to even watch him at your house if you needed to be gone overnight. That way you at least know the environment is baby proofed.

I have the same problem! But my boyfriend's parents don't hound me, they politely told me that when I'm ready and I think Nick is ready, they would love to have him for a night or two. Its my boyfriend's sister in law that thinks I need to let her and my boyfriend's brother keep my son sometime. She said we deserve a night out and they want to keep Nick. I'm not thrilled about the way they take care of their own. Why would I want them to take care of mine! My son is different from a lot of kids. My mom had 4 kids and my Grandma had 6 and while they love my son to death, he's a handful. They tell me they have never seen a kid like him! He's not a bad kid but he's into everything. He's very smart and inquisitive and wants to know what everything is and how it works. You definitely need to be on your toes when he's around. I know what to expect from him and so does my mom because she watches him full time while I'm working but these family members that just see him every once in awhile don't know what he's about or how to calm him down if he gets upset. They don't know what he likes and since he's not talking clear yet, they don't know what he's asking for when he wants something. I'm not comfortable leaving him with anyone either. Not only overnight, but even for a few hours sometimes. Maybe I'm over protective but I know my son!
So when you figure out the best way to put them off - clue me in!

I don't think 18 months is too young to leave a child for an overnight - might be good for you and your husband to have a night all to yourselves and the ability to sleep in the next morning. In fact, I keep my niece overnight every so often so my sister-in-law and her husband can have time to themselves. I have been doing this since my niece was four weeks old (she's now two years).

Instead of them keeping your son at their house, have them come to your child-proofed house that has a refrigerator full of already prepared meals and snacks. And don't forget to leave a list of the "rules" and routines with them...along with emergency numbers where you and your parents can be reached. You could always mention that your son won't sleep well if he is not in his room in his house.

Then you an your husband can escape to a hotel (as close to home as you want) for a night of sleeping without a baby to wake you in the morning.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in any way! They need to respect you and what you decide is best for your family. I think you need to be firm and kind at the same time. Sometimes we hurt the people we love but it is mostly because of their reaction that they get hurt, not what was said or done. I think they need to learn to back off on keeping him and pay more attention to him when you are around. He is your son, not theirs! Just because your parents are around does not mean anything. We have the same problems in our house, only my family is far away in Michigan and his are only in Western New York (about 4 hrs from here, Duryea, PA). My parents see our daughter more than his do and his parents don't seem to care at all UNLESS they (mostly she) need to give some "wonderful" parenting advice. Try to be firm and keep your mind on what you want. They can deal!!! Hope that helps

T. :)