How Do I Help My 13 Yr Old Dghter When Her Best Friend Is Isolating Her

It's true that kids self regulate their own friendships as they get older.
That being said - not every kid takes well to social media/cell phone usage - some just can't handle it till they are older./more mature (although unfortunately some never mature no matter how old they get).

I think you need some quality one on one time with your daughter where you both have a weekend with no phones (go camping, take a weekend trip, etc), and do it periodically.
You and your daughter need to TALK - about how she feels about her friends (all of them), what makes her happy/angry/sad/mad, how it's good to have a wide circle of friends - because they all come and go over the years and through a lifetime.
Talk about her goals in life (it's not too soon) - about what her favorite subjects in school are - you are her mom but you are her first guidance counselor.
She needs to be involved in some after school activities where she can meet new friends outside of school.

Middle school can be tough - it's a big transition - and friends can be hard to navigate.
While I wouldn't forbid her best friend - I would tell her that you DO monitor her computer/cell phone usage/content - and actually do the monitoring - don't just say you will.

Texting at all hours of the day and night is not acceptable.
Unlimited access is never a good idea - have your daughter earn her perks with good behavior (chores, homework, etc) - and if she doesn't earn any then she gets none.
You can't control what the other girl does but you can control your daughters access to devices.
You take the phone/computer away (and lock them up) during the hours it's not acceptable - like over night, meal times, family time, when she's driving (it's only a few years away - get in some good habits now well before she gets a learners permit),etc.
Your daughter needs to tell her friend that she is not available 24/7

It could very well be the other friends do see something undesirable in this best friend that your daughter is blind to.
Maybe they are being mean but it's not necessarily so.
It's difficult being around a major drama queen - the only thing for it is to walk away and the other friends are managing as best they can.
It's not up to your daughter to fix her friend - some people try to.

It's hard to see our kids making poor choices when it comes to friendships, but this is all a part of learning and growing up. I would just let her continue to work through this on her own, and be willing to offer guidance and support when she needs it.

My daughter experienced this at that age, too. We talked about what kind of a person SHE wants to be. We talked about the friendships she wants to have, and what kind of a friend she wants to be. Does she only want one friend or does she like other people, too? Does she think it is OK to tell her friends who they can or cannot be friends with? Does she want to be the kind of person who hurts her other friends? Is she responsible for everything the BFF feels? It got so stressful for my daughter, and it was a hard year. But she's nearly 16 now and all those girls learned so much during those middle school years, and they all still hang out. The BFF chilled out after a period of time when my daughter was rehearsing telling her, "I value your friendship, but I make decisions about who I want to be friends with and I won't get in the middle of your arguments." This was sooo hard for my anxious introvert. But they do grow from these experiences. My advice is to not put down the domineering child, but ask her what she thinks about how her friend is acting, and ask her who she wants to be, regardless of her friend. You will all get through this. Good luck!

Has your daughter told her other friends why she is ghosting them? I think your daughter would do better for herself, her best friend, and her other friends if she learned to assert herself instead of avoiding conflict.

If she's open to it, you could talk her through how to handle these types of situations. For example, if the other friends are saying something not-nice about best friend, she could say to the group "Hey, that's not a nice thing to say, and she's my friend. You need to stop." Or if they are doing mean-girl stuff, she could say "How would you feel if someone did that to you? Stop it now." If they continue, well, then frankly I admire your daughter for refusing to be complicit in mean-girl behavior (a group of kids ganging up on another kid and being mean to her is wrong even if she's not your personal cup of tea).

That said, these are your daughter's friendships and they are ultimately hers to manage so if she doesn't want to be friends with these girls anymore, it's her choice.

My kids have friends that don't all get along. They just don't hang out together at the same time. Sometimes friends have said to my kids "We don't want you hanging around so and so" or "Why do you hang out with so and so, they're a loser" and my friend will say "Stop being a jerk - I like them". Usually the friends back off.

I suggest your daughter learn to assert herself as myewnicname suggests. At the very least, your child needs to say she doesn't want to hear it. But this I think is fairly common - it's peer pressure.

As for her best friend being dramatic and doesn't get along well with other kids, then your daughter needs to learn to assert herself in that case too. If she's being 'hogged' by a needy friend - then it's up to your daughter to put herself (and her social needs) ahead of her friend's.

Texting all day - pretty common. Hanging out with a best friend, also pretty common. It's probably a phase at this point.

I would listen - and get her to open up. You can figure out whether she's feeling pressured (by which friends) and advise her better, the more you hear.

there are a few things to consider, and you know best which ones apply to your situation.

13 year olds are natural drama queens. 9 times out of 10 they work themselves out. you don't have to insert yourself into every new soap opera.

that being said, sometimes a young teen or tween is open to a little guidance about navigating friendships. if yours is, or if you can create conversational opportunities (like driving) where she might listen, share with her some coping strategies that have worked well for you.

but don't lecture.

it's nice that your daughter is defending her bestie, but yes, troubling that she's battling all her other friends. IF she asks for you advice or IF she's open to hearing tactfully offered suggestions it might help to remind her that mediators are as necessary and important as valiant defenders.

texting all day and night is an issue you can and should have a say over. nip that in the bud.

as the teen years come on you move more and more into an advisory role instead of an authoritarian one. she needs you more than ever, but don't make the mistake of dictating her friendships.
khairete
S.

I think it helps to clarify what's going on. The best friend isn't isolating her. Your daughter is choosing to be isolated from the larger group because of her alliance with someone who can't have social interactions with others.

So your daughter has to do some introspection. What does she value about each friend? What are they giving to her, what is she giving to them?

Some people don't have great social skills. It's okay to be friends with them if it's mutually rewarding. Is your daughter getting something from this friend? Or is she enjoying the constant attention/texting without this really being someone who will support her as friends do? Your daughter can also be friends with the other group and not include the one girl if it's not a good mix. That's not exclusion. If I have a party, I invite people who will be compatible, and I see other people at other times. If I have friends my husband isn't keen on, I see them separately and we're all happier. He does the same thing. No harm there because no one's being kept away, but just choosing how to spend time.

If her friends are coming to you, you should listen to see if your daughter is exhibiting any concerning behaviors, or if the girls are just being petty. They can be encouraged to be good friends even if they don't do everything together with your daughter.

Your daughter may have to learn by experience if the one girl isn't a worthy friend. But if she's a one-on-one person, that's okay as long as she's giving as well as getting. But you can't manage your daughter's friendships and she shouldn't hang out with people you like if she's outgrown them or if they are clique-y or petty when you're not around. She may see a side of them you don't. It's not about popularity and how many friends someone has, but about the quality of the friendships. Friendships change at this age and throughout high school, and it's generally better to take a step back but also to engage in general conversations about how to choose who we hang out with. She'll need that when it's time to start dating - how do I know if someone is a good person? How do I know if I'm being used? Good conversations for you to start now in general, not just about this one situation.

At least your kid has some empathy for her bff. Maybe you should help arrange some outings with other people. Is she involved in any sports where she can interact with others from her school or neighborhood? It sounds like you should limit her phone time as well.