Why Is Dd Always the Odd One Out?

Ugh, groups of three just never work with girls, they tend to pair up! I remember this from my own childhood and I experienced it over and over as a leader of TWO Girl Scout troops, two daughters of my own and working and volunteering in the school and in sport stuff. Sorry, no advice, it just seems to be how it is.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I like guys so much, and always did better with my son and his friends (?)

Groups are tough at this age. We have this culture that places so much emphasis on the "BFF" - which is 1 person. You put 3 kids into a group (or 4, or 5...) and the competition begins.

She doesn't want your advice - that is typical. Kids at this age are branching out, starting to assert their independence from parents, which is good prep for "leaving the nest". It's also why you may start seeing more defiance and more secrecy/distance. It's normal, and you need to embrace it as much as your momma instinct kicks in and tells you to fix it! (My kid is in his 20s and I still hate to see him hurt!)

Empower her to make the necessary changes. Help her brainstorm a little on what makes a good friend, what qualities she admires in general, and whether the people she hangs out with exemplify "friend" attributes. Keeping in mind that she is learning, and so are they, to sort out and separate from "childhood" friends to "teen friends" and later to "adult friends", let her know that friendships are like clothes -- you try them on to see if they fit and if they make you look the way you want, and sometimes they are immediately a bad fit, and sometimes you outgrow them later. Just because someone is in her math class or on her sports team doesn't mean they are a good fit. Now, the mean tricks - that's childish, and it's a way for an insecure kid, Friend A, to cement their relationship with Friend B by joining in on making fun of Friend C. So it tells your daughter a lot about Friend A and Friend B if they gang up on her. She has to be the one to decide, though, how many chances she wants to give them to learn from their experience. But she should also look around for Friend D, the kid who isn't in the group and isn't playing tricks and isn't clicking with A or B.

Kids this age don't really know who they are, so they don't know who they want to be with either. I think I'd tell her it's a Great Life Experiment, and she has to be the one to put it through various trials to see what is successful and what is not. That doesn't mean she needs to blackball or badmouth or accuse of bullying someone who isn't kind, but it does mean she can keep her distance.

I think if you encourage her to make her own choices, that's great. But she doesn't get to complain constantly to you if she's not sharing and asking for your help. If she wants to be empowered to make her own choices, great

Remember also that kids are at vastly different places at this age - some are still kids, some are mature teens, and some are vacillating in between. That's why you see so many kids being the "odd one out" on any given day. The hardest thing for you is to give her a couple of things to consider ("How do YOU feel about someone who..." and "What do YOU think you want to do about it") and then step back and let her work on it.

what does your daughter do in these situations? Does she find out after the fact or before hand?

She has other friends. Is she "fixated" (for lack of better words) on these two girls? Or are you just concentrated on these two?

IF she's bothered by it? I would tell her that this is life - things happen. People can be like particles and float around and connect with others, bounce off and connect with someone else. She shouldn't worry about it. Not everyone will like her and not everyone will include her, even friends.

She can improvise, adapt and overcome. Does she COME to you for advice or do you just offer it up? At 13? She doesn't want you in her space...she wants to come to you....that's the difference as they go through grow up....

Encourage her to make plans individually with each of them occasionally. Its always easier to bond one-on--one than in a group.

I think most kids feel like that in a threesome. Sometimes it's just easier to have two rather than three or one is more available or lives closer. As long as they aren't being mean, just let her ride it out. Friendships ebb and flow. Like you said, she has many other options. Perhaps the other girls know that and lean on each other more.

I'm sure there are times when she is the one invited and not the other. You always remember the times when you weren't invited. As they get older, they will find who they are solid friends with...but kids need to understand, they have to share their friends...they don't own them.

Three kids together is usually difficult at this age for the reason you described. Both my daughter and grandaughter had difficulty with this. By high school they were more mature and that had adjusted.

I suggest that the importance of relationships changes preteen and teen years. They have to learn a different way to socialize as their feelings about friends and themselves change. She will figure it out. I suggest the best way to support her is to just listen. Let her lead the conversation. If you feel you must offer advice, first ask your daughter if she wants information. It's important that she feels that she has control in some area of her life. Give her control in her talks with you. Be glad that she wants to talk with you. Honor her request to not offer advice.

I know it's hard to not try to make this easier for her. Your description of her relationships sounds most likely what is happening. I sometimes have been able to give information by asking if I can tell her my or a friends experience in a similar situation.

Kids can be weird while they try to figure out what a friendship means. They can be mean until they discover they need something or someone. Once one goes away, the other becomes important.

I am sure your daughter wants to figure this out on her own and that is why your advice ticks her off. She is 13, she will come to you when she needs some help with this. choose your battles and give her some space on this one.

Yes, teenage girl relationships can be tough. And it's not as if we Moms can solve those intricate and often hurtful behaviors of others. And it would be false of us to imply that we can, or even that our daughters can, make everyone "play nice". What a burden to place on our daughters.

Mostly I think our daughters need us to love them as they are and to show it often. I think it's a wonderful boost to know that the "home team" will always be there for you. Always. Always. And then one more time, again!

Hi S.,

I can relate to what she's going through. I've always felt like the oddball in social groups and had some really bad mean girl experiences growing up. Even to this day, I often feel left of center. I'm only speaking of me here so please don't think I'm judging you or your daughter.

I was raised by colossal nerds. I'm talking pocket protectors, documentaries during childhood, college degrees coming out of their ears, tape on the glasses. They are wonderful people and also complete and unapologetic nerds. My vocabulary never fit with my friends, my choices in books were different, my parents took me to a sitar concert for my 9th birthday. Yeah, I didn't stand much of a chance. This caused me to try to fit in, to try to be cool and to try to change myself to fit into a social group...any social group. When I was about half way through college, I looked around and realized how unhappy I was trying to fit in and I embraced my very own inner nerd. There she was. This self acceptance was pivotal in me changing my relationships, eliminating the toxic ones and finding some real friends, along with my darling husband.

My point you ask??? Do your best to reassure her that she is who she is and she has your unconditional love and your unconditional ear. Try to help her to simply be exactly who she is, which is hard at 13 but she needs to start somewhere. I know what I'm saying is sort of a metaphysical leap but as soon as she relaxes and accepts herself her ability to navigate these complicated waters will increase as well as her ability to establish healthy social boundaries that will serve her for a lifetime. It's not about labels, it's about self acceptance, something that is completely age appropriate for her to start doing at 13.

keep loving her and keep keeping an eye on her. You sounds like a great mom. :-) S.

Hi S. - (and hi all - I am still around but have not been on here in way too long!!) This question just jumped out at me so I'm here to reply.

First thing - I agree with not chiming in too much, she is 13 and is figuring friendships out on her own. BUT, of course, that does not mean that you personally are not allowed to think about it in your own mind!

So, for you to think about: what "type" of exclusion is going on?

To explain what I mean, here is an "adult world" example. Imagine you have a book group with four other women and the book group meets once a month.

One day you find out that two women in the book group are very close friends. They go to dinner, their husbands play golf, etc. No big deal, right? Friendships happen.

On the other hand, imagine if one day you find out that all four other women in the group are meeting for a second time each month, going out for drinks, and the only person who is not aware of those cocktail outings is you. That might be a bigger deal!

So that's the distinction that I think is worth considering. Is your daughter's threesome story an "oh well, one-on-one friendships happen" situation? Or is it "the whole group hanging out without her" situation. It can be hard to tell the difference in a group of three.

It is great to encourage your daughter to develop one-on-one friendships with people. Any person she likes well enough to be close to, go for it! But I do not think there is any benefit to her getting stressed out about a group hanging out without her - if it bothers her, she should just remove herself from the group (analogy to above example would be, leaving the book group if finding out that the other four are going for cocktails is too upsetting).

Does your daughter ever ask the girls to hang out one-on-one with her too?

If not, she could. So long as the other 2 girls aren't being mean to her (doesn't sound to be the case) I think it's fine for the kids to hang out together - not always as a threesome.

Maybe you're sensitive because the last little group from school turned out badly. Understandable.