How Do I Improve My Personality

I've had the same thoughts from time to time about improving or changing my personality so that people will like me more or to have more friends. I don't have many close friends. The female friends that I do have contact with on a personal level are family members. So, other than that I don't have a girlfirend that I can call to go shopping with or on a "girls night out". I don't think that it's because I have a nasty personality or that I'm a terrible person. I think its more that I'm usually sort of into my own world or into my self, husband or kids.?
When I have the opportunity to make friends or start a relationship with someone I usually don't follow through on it because I then perfer to spend my time alone. And that's okay with me because I enjoy my company. It's relaxing. So, I don't know if this makes me weird or self-involved? Sometimes I wish I had lots of friends but for the most part I'm happy.
so, my advice to you would be just "do you" dont' change

I love making people happy and making people laugh, as we mature, so must our behaviors.

When you do things for others, never expect to get credit. I do things for others because it brings me joy. Many times I do it quietly so no one will know. Those are some of the best times.

Practice Random acts of kindness. And do it in a low key manner.

Be careful about speaking in Religious tones. Saying you "built your house on the rock?"
Do you need to tell people to prove you are a good Christian? Are you saying those that have not are not as good spiritually as you are?

Also not all adults want a coworker or friend that is "motherly". Most of them just want to be treated like adults with adult conversations and activities. It can come off as pushy or overbearing.

Also being perky is not as attractive as we mature. Instead at work, being a hard worker, dedicated to be being and independent worker and team player are appreciated more.

Just pull back and find out who you really are. You do not have to work at being liked. Just be yourself and the people will like you without having to prove anything.

The only suggestion that I have is to focus less on yourself and more on the people around you. Get to know them as individuals and learn what resonates with them. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it when dealing with co-workers and friends (people that you spend a lot of time with). Take an interest in their lives but don't be pushy. Always try to ask them a brief, focused question about some personal information they may have let drop in a previous discussion like "How did your dad's surgery end up working out? I hope everything went well." Listen attentively to the answer and let them know that you're glad everything worked out, or that you're sorry things didn't go as well as expected and let them know that if they need anything to let you know. Then leave it at that with a comment like "I'll let you get back to your work now, but you know where to find me if you need anything. Have a great day." Make sure you smile (not too big, not too small) and maybe give them a small pat on the shoulder.

This is polite, brief, non-pushy and non-invasive, you are encouraging them to talk about themselves (which, let's be honest, is what most people want to do) and you are actively listening to them while letting them know that you were also listening last time. Whether they realize it consciously or not, people really respond to this. It puts you in the position of confidant/comforter in their subconscious mind which is no bad place to be.

honestly, it sounds to me like you are trying too hard. when you "try on" different personalitites, it has to come across as false and not genuine. it makes people very uncomfortable. it sounds to me like you have a good heart, and that is the best foundation you could want. so just be yourself.
i have had friends who were rude and abrasive, but knowing that they were just being themselves and that i always knew where i stood with them made me appreciate them and like them, maybe not at first, but over time. and i have had friends that were super sweet, wonderful, fantastic, but i was never comfortable with them because it felt false and made me uneasy.
i would rather hang out with someone who was rude and honest than someone who was sweet and wearing a mask.
i have had a few people tell me they didnt like me when they first met me, they thought i was snotty. i know im not good at small talk, and im not good at faking it and a lot of the social skills that im supposed to have, so i back off, so i can see how i could be perceived like that. almost everyone likes me (as far as i know, haha) as they get to know me over time. and if they dont, they dont. not everyone is going to like you. thats ok. your family loves you and appreciates you because you dont have to wear a "personality" with them and they know the real you, faults and all.
i think you are over-thinking and maybe losing yourself in the process. just have good honest intentions in your heart, relax, like yourself for who you are, and be yourself.

Seriously, T., you sound like a great gal. You can't help it if people don't appreciate you. Lots of people obviously DO appreciate your personality.
I think if someone is genuine, caring and kind THAT's the kind of person I would like.
Don't confuse being kind with being a doormat.
If someone else gets credit for your idea--speak up!
Could it be your delivery? Do you speak and present yourself with authority? Sounds like you're doing just great.

T. - I like you.

The best thing I ever did was to stop worrying about what people thought of me. Instead, I focused on them. I became a lot more likable after that.

My suggestion: ask about 5 of the people whose opinion you respect most to honestly tell you what it is that you are doing that turns people off.

By the way, the #1 trait of likable people is that they make the people they are with feel good about themselves.

Maybe you are talking more than listening? That is one of the worst offenses.

I completely agree with Shane, and Laurie D. Actually, you got lots of great advice. Isn't Mamapedia great?

Maybe you are just trying too hard. Relax and don't think too much about it and continue to be nice and helpful.
I personally don't like it when people talk about their faith and about God all the time. I think religion is a personal and private matter and bringing it up during a regular conversation or in the workplace is in my opinion inappropriate and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if you are doing this, but I'm just mentioning it because you referred to your faith in this post a couple of times.
You sound like a nice and caring person and just letting that shine through without trying to be someone else should make you likable.

Edited to Add... this is a GREAT book that can give you some advice! It was published first in 1937 and has helped tons of people, and is still a best seller. Very easy to understand, to the point, great scenarios.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnagie
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp...
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Stop trying to change who you are to appease others, it's confusing for you, and confusing for them. Be yourself. You are a great person and your family loves it. If they don't get your jokes at work, then don't joke around all that much. A lot of people just don't get dry humor.

Jobs are a melting pot of different personalty types, and individuals from different backgrounds. Some people are content being the receptionist, some are cutthroat trying to climb to the top of the ladder. So you will never be able to please everyone.

I know my mom has a nervous tick... she giggles, at everything. If she has to ask a waiter for a napkin, she will giggle, it's weird and makes people uncomfortable. She knows that, but that's her nervous tick because she is shy, and so she doesn't stop.

Perhaps you have some sort of nervous tick as well and don't realize it. My friend tick was sticking out her tongue and licking her lips. It was weird and inappropriate a lot of times and turned a lot of people off.

Anyways, whether you do a nervous tick or not, just continue to work hard, to be a concerned individual, polite, and command respect. State your ideas clearly and concisely to your boss, if someone tries to take claim over that idea, just restate, "Yes, how I just explained that, sounds like we are on the same page."

It sounds like you have been trying to fluctuate yourself too hard, from going to reserved to being the office cheerleader, so that won't let people get to know the real you. Perhaps those moments of constant motivation are irritating to people. Sometimes, you have to match people's personality types for a time, not to be like them, but if they are more reserved person, then you save your serious side for when doing business with them.

I think you've got some great advice below.

With co-workers, you should really focus on just being pleasant and professional. At work, you want people to know that you can get things done without a lot of "drama." All people really care about at work is getting the job done. As long as you aren't rude or mean, I think you can get along just fine without having ANY "friends" at the office. Don't even look for friends at the office. Just be polite, pleasant, smile at everyone, mind your own business and do your work. Also, don't put your personal life out on display, especially where it involves religion. Slowly, you may find one or two people who you can get to know more. But otherwise, do not worry about it.

You may be misunderstanding the cues that people are giving you... at work, just because people don't want to invite you out to lunch, it doesn't mean they don't "like" you. They might be busy, or just not seeking friendships in the office.

Not everyone is going to like you... and you're not going to like everyone. Although I can be "friendly" with anyone, I have very few people I consider friends. You sound like you are a religious person. You may have better luck finding friends at your church. But even there... not everyone will like you and vice versa.

Show yourself some love! Your famiy, who know you best, understands and appreciates you. All others... they'll either catch up or they won't, but don't let it bring you down.

I

The only time that I really get turned off by someone is when they . . .

* dominate the conversation and don't allow me to be a part of it as well
* don't appear to be truly listening to what I am saying
* appear to be trying too hard and, thus, are not being their genuine, authentic self
* brag too much, lie or exaggerate the facts

Those are just a few of my personal pet peeves. I think the best thing that you can do is just be who you really are. Don't try to hard to please everyone because that just really isn't possible. When you are trying to be someone you are not, then people really do catch on to that really quick. that you are being a fake. And when you are talking to someone, make sure that there is a give and take in a conversation and that you are really listening to what the other person is saying. There are some really great conversation books and auido CDs out on the market now days; you may even find them at your local library. You may want to check them out just to get some additional pointers.

I just can't stress enough through, that you are not going to be able to please everyone. It's just not possible but I understand that once you are able to develop that core group of friends that get you and are supportive of you, you'll feel much more comfortable out there in the world.

Wishing you all the best.

*** ADDED: Just read your "so what happened". If you are working with the gossipy mean girls, you don't want them to be your friend because they can't reciprocate. Just keep things superficial and light with them, show some interest in them (a fed ego is a nicer ego) but keep details about yourself private. I've had frenimies like this and have learned that it is best to keep things superficial and light and don't even try to be their friend. First of all, they are not able to reciprocate and secondly, you are probably not the only one that sees that they are gossipy and mean and you really don't want to be lumped in with them. Wishing you the best of luck.

I would say, you should respect yourself, have self confidence, and act "genuinely". Trying on different styles would appear as "fake". Just be who you are. Don't try too hard. You cannot get everyone to like you, which is totally fine and normal. Everyone has different personalities and clashes are unavoidable. You should come to terms with that and defend yourself without bending too much to make them like you. Otherwise, they will not respect you.
You should have inner confidence and respect yourself before people can respect you.
I hope this makes sense...

You said that you have friends. Unfortunately not everyone will like everyone else. Some personalities just don't mesh. I had some great friends in highschool. That no one else really liked. They came off wrong. It wasn't there fault, it's just how things are. Maybe your trying too hard? Maybe you're too worried about it? Do you really need to concern yourself with those people who are rolling their eyes at you? Or the ones who look at you like you're stupid? NO WAY!!! Worry about the ones who love you for you. Work on what you want to work on, but do it for yourself and not so that the people who treat you poorly will start to like you. I understand that you are a child of God, and to love everyone. But it also says to dust the heels of your feet from those people who do not live in the word. And are they living in the word if they treat you like this?

You, C.1. and I - I guess we can all relate. I was wondering if I posted this myself and kept looking at the name trying to confirm that it was not me who wrote this. It was so weird. Even the home life and job situation. The answers were mostly helpful. And your "so what happened" - omg, people get the wrong impression of me ALL THE TIME it is not even funny. I too am a people-pleaser and their impressions of me bother me if it is negative, and it makes my day if it is positive. I have tried to change, but don't know what it takes to convince me that what they think doesn't matter. I can lecture myself all day long, but I can't convince myself. I am non-confrontational, respectful, put others' conversation topics first, don't interrupt, don't talk down on people, love the Lord with all my heart, show grace as I have been shown grace. People still respond to my rude, confrontational co-worker better than respond to me. I have noticed people trying to please her (who can't be pleased), but also a lot of people dislike her, but she does not care, in fact, it turns her on. She is a believer too, and we can relate, but gee, when I am on her bad side, Lord have mercy. On the other hand, no one cares what I think at all, unless they disagree with me, then I have to be "taught" the correct way to think. I turn out to be a safe target, and most people don't care about me one way or the other, a lot of people dislike me. It makes me feel very badly to be ignored. I was told (hear me now, I can't speak from experience) to not care about what others think because I can't please everybody. C'mom, I would like to please A LOT OF PEOPLE really good because that would help me deal with the people that I can't please. Not the case. Someone told me it could be cultural. Who knows? Maybe that communication coah that Christy J. is talking about could help us both. Let us pray for each other.

T.,
You are trying to live for the wrong people. Sweet girl, live for the Lord. Do what is right in His eyes. Bless others, be kind,funny, whatever, but do it as unto the Lord, not to make friends. People seem to know when we are trying to meet their expectations rather than just being naturally ourselves. And, they seem to resent that. Weird, but true. Take your focus off of yourself, and put it on the Lord. You will find so much more peace there. People can spot someone who is not sincere. Going to the bar and doing shots is not becoming of someone who says they are a Christian. I'm not saying you can't drink alcohol, but doing shots is another matter. Don't compromise to make people like you. It doesn't work. Relax in who you are. Embrace who God has made you. Don't apologize for it. Don't try to be someone else (or,worse, everyone else). You sound like a really nice person.. Blessings!

T.,
I could have written this myself! I mean word for word. We are so much alike it's scary, but somewhat comforting to know I'm not the only one going thru this. I am 43 years old and if it weren't for my loving husband and one friend I've known forever, I would have no one. I too treat everyone the way I would want to be treated but people just seem to keep their distance from me. I am a S. now, but when I used to work, I encountered the exact same problems as you on a daily basis. I was also the one to make people laugh (on my own shift) but once the other shifts would come in, they would turn their backs.
I can't tell you how many times I've wished my personality could be changed to make me the bubbley and outgoing person I wish I could be. I've always wished there could be some sort of a "magic" pill that could transform me to that type of personality. I wish we lived in the same state, I would love to be your friend. Are you on facebook? If you are, reply to this post :)

My advice to you is to approach your boss in a very non-threatening way. Something along the lines of "Boss person, I have made it my goal to make some improvements in my job. As I assess my strengths and weaknesses, I realize that one area I need to work on is my inter-personal relationships with my colleagues. Specifically I want to work on communicating my ideas in a way that they are well-received. I was hoping you could provide me some feedback. For example, during the XYZ meeting, I suggested ABC. When I voiced the idea, I didn't feel that it was well received. However, later in the meeting, Jane made the same suggestion and everyone thought it was a great idea. What am I doing wrong in the way I present my suggestions?" (Note the "I's"--you are taking responsibility for your behavior and your perceptions. Very important.)

When you pose the problem, let your boss talk and realize that you may be up to hearing some painful truths. Don't argue, don't get defensive, and don't respond angrily. Repeat what you're told to be sure that you're understanding correctly and then go back and work on the suggestions. You may think you're doing all you can, but there may be some behaviors you don't see.

And ask your boss to help you along the way. Maybe s/he can give you a signal when you're exhibiting the behavior you're trying to change. Sometimes it's one behavior that sets the tone for everything else you say. If your boss agrees to coach you, be diligent about updating her/him and see if you can make progress.

You might also want to check out if your company has any resources available through an employee assistance program.

Good for you for recognizing the problem and working on a solution. Best of luck!

I know you got great advice and I know you posted your What Happened, but when I read this I had to share something. Maybe it is not you or your personaility, but how you communicate with others.
Something that really helpled me at work, and in life, was a professional communications course.
No, not a speech class, or communications you do in college :), but a one-on-one sit down with a coach who evaluated my communication style and how I was being perceived by co-workers, etc.
It was a lifesaver and the techniques she taught me have been invaluable in work and in life.
My company paid for it (a pretty penny). Depending on your job and role, it could be something to look into. Let me know if you want any details. The coach I used is in Dallas.

Girl, you are trying too hard. Relax and spend time figuring out who you are and not who you think people want you to be.
Common courtesy and manners are essential; I'm not saying to be rude and treat others badly.
You need to figure out YOUR likes and dislikes and go from there.
It doesn't matter how hard you try, there will ALWAYS be people that won't like you and there is nothing you can do about that. It's just part of life.
Just my two cents,
R.