How Do I Lose Control?

I'm so sorry you feel this way so often. I get a bit out of control when I am tired and PMSing but not in public. I have talked to my health care provider about it but have not done anything more as of yet. I think you need to see a doctor and talk to some third person party that can really assess the situation. As the others it could be server anxiety or it could be OCD. :( It may be a simple medication that fixes it. It may be just talking to someone and behavioral changes that help. Either way, getting help is the only way it will be fixed.

Shaun,

I have very similiar issues. I recently started seeing a counselor and taking medication. A very low dose of an antidepressant has helped me tremendously. I too micromanage and tend to worry about insignificant details. My body has started to show physical signs from constant worrying including pain, stiffness, insomnia etc. Anxiety and depression (even though you may not feel depressed) typically go hand in hand and are a medical, brain chemical issue. Please seek out a qualified therapist and psychiatrist. It is not a character flaw or weakness! There is probably some genetic influence and environmental things that you may need to talk out with a qualified therapist. Good luck and God bless!

Well you have taken the 1st step. You've acknowledged it. You recognize it. You've accepted that it is who you are and you want to be a better you.

Continue to notice what comes out of your mouth and how it feels. Mix that with a desire to change.

Imagine situations and imagine yourself having no opinion or not caring what another did. Practice doing it in daydreaming/fantasy. See yourself letting others just be as they are.

Ask your husband to help when you are ready to be more active about letting go. Maybe a key word or phrase that he could use to let you know that you are "doing it again".

Concentrate on how good it feels to let go. When you have a moment that you did not judge, cherish it and tell yourself you want more of that. Slowly, but surely, if in earnest and in love of self, you will change. Information will come to you out of nowhere.

The only thing you truly have control over is how you feel about what happens around you. If you seek happiness with yourself, feeling good about yourself, it won't matter so much what others do. And that is the best gift you can give to everyone.

Good Luck, You can do it, because you are already wanting to.

I agree with several others, this isn't about control---it's an anxiety problem. You feel like your world will spin out of control if you don't manage everything in your life. Short-term counseling and medication use will help. If you're not ready for counseling, start with your OB/GYN or family Dr. by getting on an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. It really will help alot. Once you start meds, you'll see that you can relax your grip on things without catastrophic consequences, and it will get better and better. This is also something that gets worse as you get older, so take care of it now before you and your family suffer anymore. Good luck.

That you recognize what is going on is really really great! Now take some baby steps. First come up with a buzz word your husband can use when you do this. Ask him not to go crazy and use it all the time.....pick his battles. See if that helps you.

Now, when you have the thought or hear yourself start to harp unnecessarily do your best to stop and walk out of the room. Don't expect perfection but start making the effort. It will drive you crazy at first. You will want to say something so badly! But when you succeed remind yourself how good it felt not to harp. Pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you just made your relationship stronger.

I had similiar issues, not the controlling part, but the anxious part. The logical part was there, but in the "heat of the moment", the logic just went away.

It took me along time to realize I needed help. I talked with my doctor. We talked about why I was doing this, when was it likely to occur, what I could do to prevent it, and techniques to try when the anxitity became overwhelming. She also put me on some medication. My family is much happier these days.

I can actually relate to your problem, I'm the same way. It does sound a lot like anxiety to me. If you're aware of what you're doing and STILL can't stop yourself, that's not "being controlling", it's a bigger problem, one that might require a therapist or meds. I would suggest telling your husband that you think you might have an anxiety problem and want to get help for it. Then see a psychiatrist (get a referral from your regular doc for a good one) and take it from there. Recognizing there's a problem is the first step and with the support from your husband, you'll figure this out and get this under control. Although I've never been medically diagnosed with anxiety, and am certainly not in any position to diagnose it, I'm *pretty* sure I have it to some degree. I take 5-htp supplements (recommended by my naturopath) and for me, it really helps with the need to control everything in my world. I hope you find some way to ease your mind. Good luck!

I've read most of the responses, but not all. I have a slightly different perspective. I used to do the same thing. I noticed that I got worse when I was stressed out. I worked full time, was completing my master's degree, I had 2 children, and one was colicky for a year. We were at the doctor's office all the time with him. It was stressful. I wasn't nice, mostly to my family. I did go to counseling, and we talked through thoughts of my husband doing things without my "assistance" -- what would that look like? He does things slower than I do, he does't fold the towels the "right" way, he doesn't clean up after himself as he cooks...those kinds of things. And her response was "So?" As long as he finishes cleaning up, and the clothes are folded, and I don't have to worry about it, who cares if it takes longer for him to do it? I've learned to keep my mouth shut, and even to appreciate what he's doing. And it's very freeing to let go of something and just let someone else take care of it. At first it was hard...and sometimes I still want to "help out", but I simply force myself to turn my head away & not watch. Seriously! Turning my head away & making sure I'm busy doing something other than watching/correcting him helps.

I also have to point out that I've prayed a lot about this and have asked for ideas from religious women that I respect. Women who have worked on their marriages & respect their husbands. God made us to be the man's helper, not nagger. You already know this, but if you keep telling yourself, it really helps! God made men to seek respect, and women to seek love. If you start telling your hubby that you appreciate the work that you "let" him do, he'll start feeling good about himself & your thoughts about him. It makes my husband so happy when I praise him about something. Not in a fake, flowery way -- but a sincere thank you.

I hope both of these ideas help. I do understand where you're coming from, and feel free to write back if you'd like to talk anything through. Good luck! You're on the right track with recognizing what this can do to your marriage.

I have some of the similar tendencies. In addition to the below advice, here are some tips that have worked for me:

1. Don't expect perfection in myself, so I won't expect it so much in others.
2. Don't do to others I do not want my little one doing when he is grown up.
3. Don't do to others what I do not want to do to my little one.
4. Forgive myself when I screw up.
5. Remind myself that we are all doing the best we can.
6. Taken from the book "Fireproof" -- try for one day not to comment negatively on anything...then try it for another day and so forth. (It builds that mental muscle).

ADDITION: In addition to considering meds, you might want to seek a cognitive behavioral therapist. He/she will help you delve into your thought processes and help modify them.

In this manner, I have tried to work hard on myself.

HTH.
Blessings.

You are halfway to solving this since you are aware of it. But I'm thinking (like some others) that there are some anxiety issues here at work too. Talk to your doc about this. Maybe you need some meds for awhile and/or counseling.

Well, it is good that you know this about yourself and want to work through it. My advice would be to see a therapist b/c they can give you the tools to do this.
One more thing...I am wondering how old you are? As I get older
( 43) I notice that my personality is changing a little. I am less likely to hold back on things that I used to keep to myself. I also have a much shorter temper as well. I have a feeling that it is the start of peri-menopause. This may be what you are dealing with-it can start in the late 30's even.

Best of luck to you.

First off it wonderful you recognize how you are, now you need to get some help. Until then remember your not his mommy your his wife. You sound like a great person who just needs to let up. good luck!

I agree the the other ladies. Go see a doc and see if that helps. But i will say this too help. You have to really want to change to see a change for the better. I hope you figure out how u can overcome this.
lots love Best of luck to u and hubby

It sounds to me like you've adopted your husband as one of the kids in the house. It's pretty easy to do really. LOL! I would say give yourself daily reminders that he is your PARTNER. He does not need instruction. Even if the words "Go change your jeans now" or "You need to eat when you drink or blah blah blah" come out of your mouth, the second you realize how parental you sound to him, just say "I'm sorry hun. Never mind. I did it again." Let him know you're trying. But try to remind yourself daily of the partnership rather than the parent/child relationship. Good luck!

Dear Shaun,
try woing to a therapist or counselor, if you don't have health insurance you can try with your church, they might be able to help you out with some counseling or maybe even financially so you can go see a therapist. A marriage counselor migh also be a good idea. Tell your husband that you are willing to get help and try to work things out, that you do love him and do not want to loose him. Go get some help as soon as possible, so he can see that you are serious.
Blessings

my husband was like this when our kids were young (they are now 25 and 22), one son moved to Montana after high school to get away from him, and the other son turned out just like him!! I need to take a small "get-away" every month or so just to get away from him and get my own self-esteem back. We found a great couple's counselor and will probably be seeing him for the rest of our life as a life coach. We've been married for 30 years, but until I told him how his 'controlling' actions make me feel (when we started counseling 10 yrs ago) he had no idea. I have found my voice now and we can even laugh sometimes about his idiosyncracies. Get a good counselor for yourself as well as your marriage. This can cause real divisions in family relations. Even my sisters think he is too controlling of me.

I agree that this could be anxiety related. I also think you are showing some serious OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) tendencies. If you truly have OCD, it is not just a matter of shutting your mouth or letting go of some control - you are going to need professional help to deal with this. Speak to your doctor about getting a recommendation for a therapist that has experience with anxiety- and OCD-related issues, and then GO SEE THEM. Your husband may need to attend some sessions with you so that he can understand that this is something you don't want to do and are trying to control, and so that he can understand your treatment, as well. It may help to talk things out with an expert, or you may need medication, but please get help now, because your marriage is worth it.

You need to seek counseling. Learning to "let go" isn't a matter of mind set, it will take addressing your control issues and figuring out why you have to be in control all the time. If all it took was a tip like "take a deep breath and don't say anything" you'd already be able to do it. It's not a matter of logic. Find professional help. And don't look at it as changing for him, do it for yourself. It's not normal to be like that and you're putting a huge stress on your self and your marriage, and most likely your children. It's impossible to teach independence to a child who can't make their own decisions.
Good Luck:)