How Do Moms Cope When Husbands Travel Weeks at a Time?

routines, going to the library, the park, or other kid friendly areas, getting a step ahead before he leaves, playdates and girlfriends is how we survive.

K.-
The other thing to do, in addition to the previous post, is make sure to take some time for yourself when he is home. Go to the bookstore, take a walk, get some coffee... whatever - just get out and have some time for you!!! Then you don't feel quite as overwhelmed.

God Bless-
C.

Hi K.,

When my husband is gone on trips, we try to get a babysitter to come in every couple of days or so for two hours to give me a break. I actually stay in the house and do chores, answer e-mails, wash my hair, or just relax. Besides giving you a break, this also gives you an opportunity to observe the babysitter while you are there so as to see if you would feel comfortable leaving the kids alone with her at a later time. And since you will be home, you could go with a younger babysitter then you normally would if you were leaving the house. Another suggestion is to look at joining the YMCA or other fitness center that offers free babysitting while you work out. This way you can have a little break, get some exercise (good for mental health), and get a shower in without having to worry about the kids.

Good Luck,

A.

I wouldn't worry so much about the house. I know there are certain things that have to be done, but there are some things that can go without. Getting out of the house is a great help. Even on cold days, if you can handle the wet clothes and all the work bundling and unbundling. Something that I have taken to that I used to do as a babysitter is taking the kids for a walk to the park, letting them play until they're tired, and then making them walk back home. Naps are not a fight, and last extra long. Granted, it worked better as a babysitter than as a parent. Also, I spend extra one-on-one time with our older son during nap time. We also do field trip type stuff. The rule is that this is a special activity, and everyone will have a happy time. If there are attitude problems, we will just go home without getting to do the special activity. We only had to go home once. I recommend cheap activities until that has happened, so you don't loose a lot of money on it. As for your temper, extra sleep helps me, so if I'm having trouble, I make the older one read quietly (he usually will sleep a short while) while the other one lays down. Then I can get an hour or so of rest. It's a huge help for me. It's not easy. You'll get into a routine eventually and it will help.

I speak from experience. My ex and I seperated and he moved out of state right before my son was 1 and my daughter was almost 3. He only visits them maybe four times a year so I am on mom duty 24/7. It isn't easy but it can be done. I think it is something you have to decide you can do. First, do a load of laundry every day, throw it in first thing in the morning and whatever time you can get it into the dryer and then the rest. Daily I have a few set chores, Mondays I change the sheets on the bed and clean bathrooms, Tuesday I dust the house, Wednesday clean the kitchen really good. Daily I vacuum, keep the trash taken out and kitchen picked up, toys picked up but otherwise I try not to but one or two things a day so I am not overwhelmed. GET YOURSELF and your children on a strict schedule. Kids in bed asleep by 7:00pm so you have three hours at the least to relax, watch your shows, read or whatever, period. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, neighbors or relatives. Make sure you stay consistent at all costs with your children. Don't let something slide that wouldn't normally, try to not let them see you sweat as they can see you are stressing then they stress. Make sure naps stay on a schedule, that your errand time is on schedule too.
I do this 24/7 every week, every month, alone. I have for almost three years. I have friends that seemed impressed which they shouldn't be, the first six mos I was a wreck and feeling the same way you did. However you get a break and your husband is coming back. It is all just part of the norm here for us and we three have it figured out. You will too.
Sanity is retained by keeping things calm, cool and keeping yourself very organized.

K.,

I was a single mom for a few years, so I know exactly how you feel. When you don't get a break, your nerves get shot! Here are a few things I did to cope: pick and choose your battles, decide which battles are more important than others and the not so important things won't be such a big deal. Go outside, just getting out for a short walk or going to the park is a good stress reliever for you and the kids. Get involoved in a moms group or bible study. Groups like MOPS or getting into a bible study that has free child care will give you a break from the kids and time to interact with other moms. Exercising is a great stress reliever and will give you more energy. Joining a gym or even exercising at home will help relieve stress and help you to feel better about yourself. Make sure you find time for yourself (which I know is hard to do), but will help you be a better mom. Taking time in the morning before the kids wake up or during their naps might be a good time to do your quiet time. These are things that help me, so I hope some of these ideas work for you.Best of Luck!

K., My husband travels a lot...he was deployed to Iraq for 18 months...and aside from that he has to leave for two weeks at a time quite often. My advice is...use that time he is gone to relax a little and snuggle your kids. With your husband away you have a little less laundry...a few less meals to prepare etc. I almost always find a project to do while he is gone-and yes-I let the house get a little messy while I get lost in the project and loving the kids. Then when he is close to coming home-I get back to the routine and clean up. My projects are usually some kind of home improvement project cause I like to build, paint, garden, landscape etc. Find something you like to do and get a little lost in it while he is gone in your spare moments when the kids are napping, or have gone to bed, or playing happily. Sometimes I just get lost in the Harry Potter books or something like that. It does get easier--I remember it being a lot harder to have him leave when we were first married (we are going on 12 years now) but I think it is because I have learned to take a deep breath when he is away do something that in a way pampers me because what I do makes me feel good about myself and life in general. It is a great time to rediscover yourself and rediscover why you love your hubby. Makes you appreciate him which is a gift most marriages don't have! Those kids are with you and little for such a short time...when they are bothering you STOP what you are doing and sit with them and snuggle them until they feel secure and happy. The dishes will still be there when you get back...your kids won't be.

My husband is gone for about 3 weeks every month. He is home on the weekends, but gone throughout the week. It has been that way almost our entire marriage (15 years). I am used to it, but that doesn't mean that I like it. I do find my temper at its peak the longer he has been gone, so I can completely see where you are coming from.

I use their bedtime as down-time for me. They go to bed at 8:30 and I usually hustle through the house and pick up what I can. The faster I pick up, the sooner I can veg on the couch with a good show on TiVo or a good book. If I am reading, I have calming music playing. That is honestly the time of day I look forward to, especially when things have been chaotic (which is often). I find myself staying up later just to have more me-time, but it really is my salvation.

Also, if you are able to get a sitter just to go to dinner with a friend or even lunch, that is a nice get away too. Usually about once a week I go to lunch with a friend. I have a friend whose husband is a cop and he works in the evenings, so sometimes she comes over with her kids and we have dinner together-- pizza or something-- and let the kids play while we hang out. The kids are usually better behaved in that environment. When they were babies, that would also give me some time to hand the baby over to someone else to "adore" for a bit :-)

Hang in there!

I so understand!! my hubby works 12 hour night shift on a weird schedule. 3 on 5 off 4 on 4 off 5 on 3 off 5on etc.. On the set of 5 on 3 off 5 on we call them the 13 dayers because he is basically at work or asleep for 13 days straight. For a long time I couldn't believe how angry I got at these little angels. But it kept happening day after day. Chores were too much for me, the kids challenged me at every turn over pretty much everything. My hubby didn't understand how hard it could be, they were just kids. They acted wonderful for him. Finally I got tired of how I was acting or reacting to what they were doing. To start out with I put up a list of rules that everyone had to folow. Even me. 1. No screaming 2. No hitting 3. No whining. Punishments where 1st time a warning 2nd time a time out 3rd time a spanking. And it didn't matter how much time passed between the offenses as long as it was in the same day. Also I kinda scheduled my day. By kinda I mean that I give myself a 15 minute leeway on most everything. breakfast is around 8 lunch around 12. I did it this way so I wouldn't freak out if meals didn't get on the table right on time. Also I made an everyday chore list and a saturday chore list( I don't do chores on Sunday) It is an easy list that keeps me caught up on chores. 1 load of laundry a day. 1 load of dishes. vacuum 1 room a day. wipe down toilet. change hand towels. Wash table after meals. make beds. and finally pick up living room once. It has made my lif so much easier. Saturday chores are dusting. fully cleaning bathroom. changing sheets. etc. Not to much but not to little. I stick to it every day. I tell my kids to play and get to work. If they need me I ask why they need me and if it is very important I pause my chores and help if not I tell them "Mommy is doing her chores, I will help you when I am done." It has helped a ton. Start out with a little chore list and work up. For the lonliness if you have friends to call then do at least once a day if not more. Or email them. I don't have alot of close friends so lonliness is a problem. I am currently making do by dealing with it til hubby gets days off then talking his ear off. But that is not the most healthy way to do it and I don't suggest it. If you need someone to talk to message me. I would be glad to talk.

My hubby travels alot too. He is gone 21 days at a time and does not come home on the weekends either and then he is home for 8 days. What I find is during nap time take that time for yourself, forget cleaning right then jusst do whatever it is that you would like to do during part of their nap time or all of it. I also try to get my kiddos in bed around 8 that way I have time to myself. I also sometimes need to go get my nails done or scrapbook and I get a babysitter that I trust or my parents and get away for a little bit. I hope this helps. My hubby has been doing this for 3 1/2 years, I too am a sahm and love every minute of it.

My husband left for 4 1/2 months for a new job last year. Some things that got me through was to find time for my self. I currently had 2 tennagers and three more at the ages of 10, 3, 2 months old. We did the best that we could and worked together as a family. I called on my own family to watch the kids at times also. I understand that we have slightly different situations but it can still work. You need to learn to let some things go.
As far as cleaning, only do certain things designated days. Like do bathrooms and vacuum on Mondays. You still have to do your daily activities like loading and loading the dish washer.Or do two to three loads of laundry each day. Have your three year old help you clean. He? can help you dust, put dishes away, pick up dirty cloths, sort laundry, etc... just simple jobs that require little effort. I heard an idea that would help is get two old socks and put them on your childs hands. One sock is wet the other is dry let them dust the blinds, base boards, and shelfs (after you remove everything).
I had a night each week that I set aside for girls night out and hired a sitter for a few hours. I went to my friends homes and took the kids with me to let the kids run around and play while I still was able to get a little adult conversation. This may sound bad but I also made sur that the kids were taken care of and they had what they needed before I went to my room locked the door and took a breather. If the kids were knocking I would tell them it is mommy time to have a time out. I hope that this helps.
It was by far one of the hardest thing that I experienced my I made it through with all my hair and sanity.

I've experienced some of that too. And I'm with ya'. My husband is in the military and the first time I had to cope with him being gone is when he was in Iraq. I was pregnant when he left but, by the time he came back our baby was already 8 months. I was VERY independent, and I found myself having a bad temper as well. It took us about 6 months to adjust to each other. Now we have three kids, and he stills has to go to schools and trainings, some of them for as long as 3 months, but you know what? after all, it's always good to know that I'm there for him when he comes back. He knows I'm watching over the kids, feeding them and doing fun stuff together. Try not to stay home at all times. Find ways to get out of your house for a couple of hours every day with your kids while your hubby is gone. Don't take your staying with them 24/7 as a burden, think it as a huge blessing. Have a positive attitude, and you'll see how everything will start changing. Good luck!
A.

My husband had to travel recently, and I was alone with my 4 year old and 11 month old. I let as many of the chores go as I could, focusing only on the truly necessary stuff. For example, if laundry doesn't get folded and put away, it's not the end of the world, but clean dishes to eat on is pretty important. :) I also arranged one evening for my sister-in-law to keep the kids so that I could get a break while he was gone. Even if you don't have family here, maybe there is a friend of your 3 year old whose parents would watch your kids for a few hours, or a sitter you could hire. Something to give you a little break while he is gone. Or even if no one can actually take the kids, just inviting another mom and her children over so the kids can entertain each other and you can talk to an adult for a couple hours might help.

K.- I hear your pain. My husband works 4 on , 4 off so 4 days of the week I have the entire load to myself (and on his days off he's busy working at his part time job)
Well, I get home at 7PM - I have my daughter (7) read me a book for her reading list requirement while I cook dinner. My 4 year old cleans off the table and washes his hands for dinner. As I cook I get lunches and backpacks ready for next day
7:45 dinner done -we eat
8:00 kids get into their pj's and play
while they unwind from the day I fold laundry, clean up kitchen, open mail, check email, straighten living room.
8:30ish I put the children into bed. While they are getting settled in I get their clothes in a pile for the next day and take it into the living room (where they eat breakfast and get dressed at 7AM)
9:00 I continue to do the chores of the day- get coats and stuff ready for next day and then I take my shower and get my stuff ready for the next day- everything waiting by the back door for the morning.
10:00 Now it's my turn to unwind. I watch tv, play solitary, or write in my journal...

6:45am I start it all over again.

I guess- organization is the key. On the weekends my children must do their chores before we play.
They picked their own chores so it means more to them. My 4 year old puts all stray shoes in the basket by the door, collects the garbage cans throughout the house, and loves to swiffer the kitchen!

I could not do it without their help and I let them know it! If all else fails- let the house sit...it will still be there the next day:) On really crazy days (like bath night) we order pizza!
Best wishes!H.

Hi K.,

I can totally relate. My husband is gone a lot for his own reasons and I often feel like a single mom. Also, I can relate on disliking yourself. The two things that have showed me who I really am and brought out my selfishness in ways I never thought possible were first getting married and second having children. But there is hope! :)

Here are a few of the things that have helped me through the years. Hopefully some of them will help you. :)

1. have a quiet time every single day. Ours was 2 hours. I have 5 children, and they had to be doing something alone (no interaction) sitting down for 2 hours. Some of them would nap. This could be reading, coloring, working on a puzzle, felt books, etc. This was such a sanity saver and it helped them to learn to entertain themselves without television!

2. I work at home so I have special toys that can only be used when I am on the phone. You could have certain times when you need to do something that they can only play with their special toys.

3. I know it was mentioned to join a playgroup. You might also join a craft group or even look into a home business. One thing I like about my home business is the adult interaction it brings me on a daily basis. Sometimes on the phone, sometimes in local meetings, but that is fun.

4. I have also read some amazing books on child training that gave great insights into helping your children behave. Children do have a natural tendency to challenge you, and according to these books, the way you handle it can make things much easier on you. I have found it to be true with my children. If you want to know more about them, let me know!

5. Giving your 3 year old little jobs can give him a sense of self worth (helping mommy) and keep him busy. When my oldest was 3 he folded washcloths. Or he could collect the garbage from the small waste cans around the house. Or give him a cute basket and have him pick up things that need to be put away in each room and put them in that basket. Feeding a pet is also a good job for that age.

6. Sitting down and reading together or playing a childrens cd that has a book that goes with it. Also singing together. I don't know about you, but it's very difficult to be irritable when I am singing. :)

These are just a few things that helped me when my children were younger.

Sincerely,

K.

My husband recent started traveling a lot again so I know how you feel. I have a very demanding 2 year old and a 9 month old. My husband was only home 3 days in Feb and is now gone until March 13. And now he's in the Middle East so it is hard even to get him on the phone and commiserate.
I found in our house if I schedule some time every day to go out and play that it helps immensely. It can be a playgroup, a walk in the stroller outdoors (or in the mall if the weather is bad), a day at the zoo or museum, or at the park or library, or even eating lunch in the backyard. We at least get out of the house for a while and get a change of scenery. Getting out seems to cut down on misbehavior in our family as my older son burns energy having fun instead of putting it towards bad behavior. Taking a walk or getting out of the house for playtime may be good to recharge your energy as well.
The chores are hard for me too as my husband helps out. I found naptime or bedtime was about the only time to really get things done properly. Grocery shopping is especially difficult for us as my 2 year old doesn't like it anymore. I keep the food simple. We also have issues of 'where is dada' and 'want dada' at our house, but I keep explaining that he went bye-bye on a plane and that seems to amuse my older son.
As far as loosing your temper is concerned, that is just something you have to work on and forgive yourself when you have had enough. I found myself sick and with two sick babies while my husband was gone and boy did I have a hard time with the temper and patience. Both kids were so demanding all day and night. They felt horrible and I did too and none of us was sleeping well. And I couldn't ask a babysitter to help. I finally told myself that for whatever reason I was needing to spend all of this extra time with the boys and I should really try to cherish all of the cuddles and them needing me so much. I really just tried to change my mindset from negative to positive.

Honestly, it is very hard. Try to do chores first thing in the morning because you are generally not so stressed. Kids know when things are out of balance so when daddy is not home they usually respond in not the best way. My husband has been gone several times and it usually takes a few weeks for us to adapt. The one thing that helps even with my youngest is that I always try to do special things that we normally wouldn't do. It eases my stress and give the kids something to look forward to. I know your baby might not need that but your 3 year old may. When my husband was gone for four months, I used to take my kids, buy some fries from wherever and find a spot on the grass to watch the sunset. It sounds simple and silly but it was kind of a quiet time for them as well as for me.

K.,
I don't know if this will even help you at all, but my sanity is in how I program my brain, if I keep telling myself that I need a break then I had convinced myself of it. and I began to resnt my children, and feel cheated because I DIDN'T EVER GET A BREAK!!!! I am home all alone with my 5 sons(at the time all under the age of 10) and my husband was gone for 7 months only home on every other weekend. When I started telling myself that I can handle it and I didn't look for a break then my brain started to make me enjoy the time that he was away. It became me time.
So as soon as I started looking for "a break" I became hateful, mean and angry to my precious boys.
I hope you find your answer and a babysitter to trade babysitting with.

Hi, I also have a husband who is gone. My love is a truckdriver, and i stay home with our son Rosendo who just turned 5 and our new babygirl who is 2 months. It taks alot out of you doing it on your own. But you will get used to it. What you need to do is stay on a busy schedural for the kids and your house. Mondays do one load of laundry and leave it in the dryer till the next day when you do another load. Keep lunch,snack,dinner, and bath time the same time everyday so your little one knows what to expect. And he is not to young to help you out around the house. Make a game out of it. Have a chart made for him of all the things he helps you with. Befor you know it time has gone by so fast your love will be walking though your door. Find other moms, and spend time with them.Share ideas, you are not alone with this.

About Myself, stay at home mom, son Rosendo 5 and Jadzia 2 months, My loving husband Brad Dear. whom i love so much.

K.,
I have not been in your exact situation but I do have a friend that is. It is pretty tough on her as well. My husband is gone a lot for work though and there are stretches when I am on my own. Here is what worked for me. Get involved in a playgroup or MOPS program. Being around other moms while your kids get to play really helps get you out of the house and conversing with other adults. Also, as far as keeping up with the house and meals, there is a website called FlyLady.com. It has done wonders for me as far as getting organized and keeping up! I find myself getting pretty snappy at my kids from time to time as well (don't we all). My kids are 3, 2, and 7 mo. Sometimes I will hire a babysitter just so I can have a few hours to myself. I know it is tough so hang in there but really rely on those moms in your area to give you support and possibly start trading babysitting with them so that you can have a break and not have to break the bank!

K., I am thinking you are one very lucky woman! You have a husband who is a partner and two beautiful children. You do not need to work outside the home! WOW.
My daughters are grown now, but when they were both small my husband traveled for a week every other week (I did part-time day care in my home with up to four additional children at a time). I look back on that time fondly. When my husband was away the girls and I made special routines and it was a great time. When he returned we were all happy to see him, he wanted time with the girls and I got my respite.
I would suggest taking a moment to breathe, reflect, and identify where the stress is originated. Organize like it was a job and shift your attitude to gratitude for all that you have. You are one very lucky woman!
Nancy

Hey K.~

I am in your shoes as well, and I have been in those shoes with kids now for 6 years. I started with one kid and now have three! My husband travels for work, mostly in the summer. When he is gone it is very hard with small children at home, mainly because he is your adult world. When he gets home at night you have been with children all day. When he is there, you have a partner and someone to talk to who is not picking thier nose, or talking about the lack of crayons because he breaks them all. When I finally figured out that was the hardest part and I was lonely and needing adults in my life also, I started to make changes. It is hard to get all of the chores done when he is gone, so I prioritize. Like the lady said below, you have to have dishes to eat on, but the laundry does not have to be folded and put away. Then I make sure and have play time with the kids. If it is nice weather, I make sure we go outside in the late afternoon and ride bikes or just be in the sun. Where your kids are young, you could do this before nap to wear them out a little. Put the baby in the shade in his pack and play and enjoy the sun and fresh air, then go in and take a great nap. I also do the babysitter deal. This one is probably the most important. I get my sitter over and I go eat sushi for dinner with my sister. Get the kids and the sitter a papa murphy pizza and ditch out for a couple of hours. Even if you don't have someone to go with, go to a local resturant and sit at the bar. Kids cannot be at the bar, and you are in a resturant, not a bar, not a singles scene. You don't have to be a drinker to sit there (although I difintely reccomend a glass of wine, to calm your nerves) but talk to the bartender. I was a bartender at an Outback Steakhouse for 8 years and I loved to talk to moms like you and I who were doing this same thing. My regular crowd became like it's own little family unit away from home, and before you know it you will have friends and adults to talk to, plus you are in a family establishment, not a "meat market"! Getting out and being an adult that is not covered in baby food and constantly tending to the needs of a 3 year old will make you feel so much better, it will help you get through the rest of the week! After I go out with my sister, or I go have a glass of wine at the OB, I am a whole new woman, and I treat my kids so much better, and I am not not snapping on a dime, like I had been before I started taking these steps when he was gone for a week or more. It is hard to be a single mom, even if it is single only for a week at a time! Good luck!

Hi K.,
I was kind of in your shoes about 9 years ago when my husband was working a lot. He would leave before the kids went to bed in the morning and come home after they went to bed, so in a way I was doing it "on my own." All I can suggest is to get together with friends who have children your kids' age and play together. I found I coped a lot better if I had some adult interaction during the day and not just Barney and kid talk. Also, I found that if I gave them some great attention during the day several times, like reading a book or playing goofy games, they were more likely to not drive me mad. They weren't constantly vieing for my attention. It's now nine years later and my husband works in another state and I'm home with my four kids (13, 10, 9 & 6), working full time, trying to sell a house and going a little mad as well. If you have any ideas for me I would love to hear them.
- D.

Hi K. - My husband also travels a bit, occasionally for a week or so at a time. I have 3 children (ages, 7, 5 & 3) and HOLY COW do I get frazzled when he's gone! My patience is about the size of a pea by the end of the day - especially at bedtime. I find myself snapping at the slightest little things, just like you, and feel awful about it. When this happens, I basically just force myself to calm down and realize that it's not the end of the world if they don't brush their teeth one night or if they don't pick up their toys, etc. I tend to leave dishes in the sink and the house is a disaster for a few days... again, not the end of the world. I try to set up playdates when I know my hubby will be gone for more than a few days at a time, or even try to have a friend/neighbor have one of my kids over at their house by themselves. (one less child than you're used to seems to be much easier to handle) Even if it's only one hour, that can give me a little time to clear the sink or vacuum without being interrupted... or even catch up on the Oprah shows that I've tivo'd!! Good luck!

I know you have heard from many, but felt impressed to add just a little. I raised 11 children while being married to a husband who was seldom home and when he was home, he didn't help. What got me through was my attitude. Don't think you are going to be stressed and don't think of your situation as being hard. Think about the joyful part of raising your children; their laughter, the cute things they say and do, their hugs, the new things they learn each day, the satisfaction of being a good mom to them and the privilege of being there for them, etc. It will be amazing at the difference it will make as to how you feel and how you cope. You were created to be a mother and you have been given what it takes to do this.

do you have someone that could take the kids for a few hours atleast once a week? My husband travels a ton and I have 5 kids. 3 daughters 8, 5, 2 and boy/girl 6 month old twins. It is really hard. I actually find the kids are on a better schedule when he is gone, because I don't have to wait around for him to come home from work. But they are more emotional and dramatic because dad is gone, they are all daddy's girls. I try to get them to bed earlier so I have time to myself, but then I get even more impatient because it seems to take longer and I have to let the babies cry so that I can read to them and get them settled down. but once they are down, you have to have something to look forward to so you don't get lonely. Like a favorite show on TV or book. Make sure to do things for yourself through out the day as well, so you can take a break, even if it means putting a show on for your three year old while the baby naps! When they both nap is also a good time for yourself to nap or check email, whatever sounds nice! Forget about the house and then go crzay cleaning it a few hours before your husband comes home. He will never know it didn't look that way the whole time. My mom has just started coming over Wed. afternoons to hold babies, clean, or watch them so I can run to the store. This has been a huge help, so I have a time to look forward to that I know something can be accomplished. Even though last week she helped me clean the house, which was then a disaster again by the next day, but atleast I knew the bathroom WAS clean. I also am excited for nice weather so we can get out more, I think good fresh air will help us all! I also think finding a playgroup for mommy and kids would be helpful, to fill in companionship! and help you get out of the house. I know that is something that I want to start doing. I feel like a hermit!

Good Luck!

K.,

I became a stay at home mom when my first son was born because my husband worked long hours and traveled a lot. The website www.flylady.net helped me to get organized and set a routine for cleaning, laundry chores. I found her system a little overwhelming but I adapted for me.

I also went out a lot during the days, whether it was just a walk around the park with the baby in a stroller or the library for storytime when the kids got older. Eventually I made more friends with kids and had playgroups and found out that no one I met really has a clean house with small kids at home!

Definitely find a mommy group in your area, that might help if you don't have a lot of friends with kids. If you do arrange for some babysitting swaps. Find an older girl in your neighborhood to come over and play with the kids while you clean, read, rest, or just pay bills.

More importantly you need to have a break during the day. Your 7 month old surely takes naps so institute quiet time for your 3 year old if he is done with napping. I would have my kids play quietly in their rooms for 30-60 minutes and it was a great way to get more energy back, rest, or mop the floor.

And definitely get some you time when your husband gets home. I go away twice a year to scrapbook with my best friend and daddy is left in charge (of course I usually come home to a mess but that's OK it teaches the dads how hard it is to be a SAHM and they start to really appreciate all you do).

Hey K.- I have twins (2) and a 4 mo old baby girl. My husband just got home in Oct. from Iraq and is leaving again in May. I find that doing things for me occasionally is mandatory so that I don't lose my mind. I have a "mommy's helper that comes once a week and just takes my twins downstairs or outside to play for an hour or two. I load everyone up in the jogging stroller and walk my neighborhood, when the weather is nice. But mostly- when everyone is a sleep I try not to beat myself up about the cleanliness of my house and pour a glass of wine, watch a movie, or call my family and just gab. I also have a playgroup and a music class that we attend- anything to break up the day and get us out and visiting with others helps!

The issue I have when my husband is gone is that I don't get a break. I recommend hiring a babysitter for a few hours a few times when he is gone just so you can regroup.

My sister is in that situation too. She manages by garnering support from friends and family when she can, and by having her 3 yr old in preschool 2 half days a week. I would suggest that you try to create breaks for yourself as much as possible. Maybe you and a friend or neighbor could swap time watching all the kids so each of you could get some down time. Would it be an option to have a high school girl watch the kids (even while you are there, if needed) for a couple of hours, and you'd get to go take a walk or read a book or whatever?
As far as keeping up with the chores, you just may not be able to keep the standards you want when you are the only adult there. YOu may have to let some things go, and be patient with yourself if something has to wait till you can better handle it. That's ok! This won't last forever.
Good luck and take care.

My husband just returned from Iraq in September, he was gone for almost a year and a half. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The Army had taken my husband away before,but never for more than a month. He left when my daughter was 4 months old and my son was almost three. My son is a very active child with developemental delays. I was stressed before my husband even left.
Everyday I did my best to get some tim to myself, even if itwas only 5 min. Sometimes I did things that I wouldn't normally do. Like let the kids eat lunch while watching PBS or a movie, then I would eat my linch in my room where I could watch something I wanted to watch or check my e-amil in peace. Other days I did it with dinner instead of lunch. I also got into the habit of occassionly staying up later than normal so I could have more time to myself.
I often tried to get someone to watch the kids for me to do things like grocery shopping, if that didn't work I tried to bring someone with me. As far as housework, I did only what had to be done (dishes,laundry,) and I only did it once a day. Some things left often, vaccuuming every other day, moping less often. I mainly focused on parts of the house that people would see when they came over, or where the kids would spend most of their time. I found that I sqeak by with cleaning on the surface, and doing the deep cleaning about half as often as I normally would. I would also clean for 15 min. then do something with the kids for a half hour, and switch back and forth til I finished what I needed to do.
Stay busy. Don't let yourself get bored. You don't want to give yourself a chance to dwell on the negative instead of the positive. Get involved in a play group, join a gym with a day care. I worked out in one every day for a half hour. Not only did it help meblow off some steam, but I got a half hour break from the kids.
If you live close enough to faily or have a few really good friends you could also trade off time. Watch their kids once or twice in turn for them watching yours. I arranged with my mother in law to take the kids for at least half a day eavery week, it worked wonders.
Different things work fordifferent people. I finally figured out what worked best forme about three months before my husband came home. I hope all the advice everyone gives you will have ideas that work for you.

Hi K.,
WOW you have gotten alot of responses but I am going to add to it. I am also a SAHM with 3 boys 10,8 and 4. My husband is gone anywhere from 9 -11 months out of the year, but when he is home its really nice because I have help. When he first started this it was really hard and would take its toll on me emotionally so I was always tired and kinda cranky.
But through trial and error I have gotten it down pretty good. When he is gone I play both mom and dad and have to make sure the kids understand that dad loves them and I am not going anywhere. So we have family night on fridays where they help out with cooking dinner, and one day on the weekend we do family fun day.
House work well somedays it gets done and others is like owell I will get to it when the kids are in bed. If the kids give me a run for my money that night I make a date with myself, for example I will take a long hot bath with no lights on or just candle light when I know for sure they are all asleep and then call my day to and end.
There is a balance that you have to find for yourself where you are not always just mom but K. also, whether it's a hot bath at night or laying in bed watching a little tv. I found getting up a little earlier than I would like is great it gives me time to wake up and have my coffee before the kids are up, during that time I get most of my chores done for the day.
Well anyways I hope this helps and that you find your balance point. Good Luck and keep us posted

Kelly, I am currently a military stay at home mom. My husband is in the Army and is often deployed to Iraq for 6mon-1 year. He was first deployed when our 5yr old daughter was about 7 months old, and again when our 3 year old son was 5 wks old (we lived in Germany at that time). I understand the children can get on your last nerve. Mine certainly do. They seem to act out when Dad leaves. Don't put yourself down when you snap. The best of moms do it at times. We can't be expected to be perfect all the time, no matter how hard we try. My advice to you is to find you a support team for when your husband is gone. That way you can go to the grocery store by yourself or even take a short drive. Also there is nothing wrong with putting them in their rooms and stepping outside for a couple minutes to get some fresh air or regain your exposure. Really don't put yourself down when you are donig the best you can. Enjoy the moments you have when the little ones are still little. Best of luck to you.

Hi K.,
Believe me when I tell you, I completely understand. My husband does a lot of traveling as well, and acutally he was gone for almost 6 weeks straight from early January to late February. Mind you he wasn't gone every day, but he was gone about 3-4 days out of the week. Plus, I was working full time. Now, I only have one child, but I'm pregnant with # 2 so that was hard too. I honestly would have to leave the room for a little while if my son was trying my nerves. And the house chores didn't get done as much while my husband was away. That was just one thing I had to learn to let go becauase I just couldn't do it all. I tried, but failed miserably and decided that the laundry can wait...the dishes will get done when they get done. I had to do a lot of deep breathing...and I called my girlfriend to vent, complain, cry, etc. I'm not sure how I got through, but I did. And when your hubby gets back, respectfully request a day off from life and go get yourself a manicure, or pedicure or if budget is tight....just an afternoon to yourself.

Hi K. -

My husband travels a lot for his job, too. Recently he was gone for over 10 days. It is very hard. My advice to you is to get some adult time while he's gone. I realize it's hard to find babysitters. I even take my kids along or invite a friend with other kids over just to have someone else to talk to! Put the kids to bed a little earlier if you need some time to yourself. Just to rejuvenate.

About the house chores. All I can tell you is do the best you can. Your house does not have to be spotless. Pick a day right before your husband gets home to clean it up really good and go from there. Hopefully he will understand that it's exhausting to raise two kids by yourself while he's gone.

You are doing great! Just find a friend to be with, someone to talk to. Remember, it's not forever.

K.,
Actually, I have some questions for you --
Is there someone that can assist you when your husband is out of town?
Is there someone that could watch the kids for you for even an hour each day that he is gone?
Is there a place that you could take your 3 year old that he could have some time away from you and you would be able to also have a break while your 7 month old is napping?
The truth is we are never alone. We all have a sea of humanity to support us. I would be willing to bet that you can find a support system for those times when your husband is not around. Don't feel that you get to do this one all by yourself.
Would love to hear what you create for yourself during these times when Glenn is away.
With Joy, C.

Hi K.,
I can relate! My husband just took a new job in a different state, and we are in the process of selling our house and moving. In the meantime, I'm here with my two little girls, six and three, while he is gone for two weeks at a time. I can tell you this...I completely understand the frustration. Your kids are a bit younger, so you have your hands a bit fuller (so to speak) that I do, but you have to give yourself a break. Chores just aren't that important...that is the first thing. I know that laundry and cleaning and all that piles up, but there's only so much one adult can do with little ones running around. My friends and neighbors know my situation, so they have been kind enough to offer to watch the kids here and there. I use that time to take care of the one chore that is bugging me the most, usually laundry, and then I let the rest of my to-do list go for a bit. I use the rest of the time to do something fun for myself, read a book, have a cup of tea, go exercise, whatever. I think giving yourself a break is as important and getting house stuff done. I hope that you have someone that can help you...it is hard asking for help sometimes, but once you do, you'll feel so much better! Plus, it helps when the kids are working that one last nerve (which my kids do plenty).

I don't know how much this will help you, but I just don't want you to feel so bad about yourself. All parents go through times when they feel pushed to the limit and are snapping at their kids. It doesn't make you a bad parent. I wish you well!

Find something like the drop in center at the local Y. The first time I took my son it only lasted 20 Min. and I just read a book out of his site. It may take a few weeks to get them used to it for longer periods, but it is worth it. The Y's have financial assistance if that is needed. Also make sure you get out of the house every day. Another idea is to cut yourself a little slack with the housework while he is gone, you can't do it all!

K., I have a little experience on my own, but I only have one 8 month old, not 2 kids, so I completely understand how you could quickly get to the end of your rope. We recently moved here, and my husband came to start a job here before I could quit mine there (and be able to stay home - yea!). He was here for 2 months and only home at Christmas. I was lucky because my mom had retired and was able to spend long stretches of time with me. So my advice is to lean on any support system you have here - family or friends or whomever. I find it hard myself to ask for help, but I know if I had friends in the same position, I would welcome the opportunity to help and to get to spend time getting to know my friend's children. You may have to be specific with any help though - for instance - "can you come over at 3 tomorrow? If you could keep the kids in such and such part of the house, then maybe an hour would allow me to get this other part of the house straightened." Otherwise, your help may be as taxing as trying to deal with your kids AND get everything done. I truly wish you the best! If you find you need help with your support system, then post again - I'll give you my contact info and maybe we can put our heads together.

Find some mom/kid groups like I had found in Boulder,CO at the Parenting Place. Maybe at a church or a coffee shop or the park. You need the support of other moms and have this time for socialization for you and kids....Taking walks in town might clue you in where others hang out....Good luck

I guess I could say I am a pro on this subject- My dh was gone for 18 months while serving in Iraq! At the time we had 3 children, 18 months to 10 years old. I had a very hard time at first, but you eventually adjust. For small spurts at a time I would advise you to get some help from family or friends. Since he is only gone for short periods of time you don't really have time to adjust and get in your own groove, like I did. If he continues this pattern, I imagine you will get used to it. The biggest thing I learned was not to take everything so seriously and know that the chores will be there tomorrow! Also I had to stop being so hard on myself and drop my expectations of myself a bit. After all were not superhuman!! Hope that helps and good luck! I know how you feel!

Don't worry about the chores till hubby comes home. Take advantage of the change in routine to play with the kids more and order some food in to give yourself a break.Get out of the house with them, weather permitting. Call a friend to meet and have a little adult conversation. Find a play group for your 3 year old. Ask a friend to watch them for an hour while you go (wherever) alone.
Find the silver lining. There are a lot of things we do in our days for our husbands. If they're out of town we get a break from that.Our children will be happy to eat the simplest of foods and what they really want is our undivided attention, and lots of love and hugs.

Hi K.,
I totally understand what you are going through and you need to cut yourself some slack. It's not only your husband traveling and not being around to help that has got you short tempered but your body is still getting back to normal after having your baby. About 6 to 10 months old your hormone levels are returning back to normal levels and your body chemistry is most likely having an impact on your mood. My husband used to be gone for weeks at a time, home for a weekend and then gone again. I got used to not having him around all the time. When he was home it was a little like dating and we tried to make that fun. As far as the housework goes, try to list all the chores that have to be done daily and weekly and assign them to a day or a time of day. Make sure you put on the list some time for you. I get up at 5:00 to have my me time. I read or work on a project. If you don't get it all done it's not the end of the world and there is always tomorrow. It also helps to know that others have the same problems and we are out there trying to figure it out too. Good luck.

You are absolutely normal!! I have a 3 yr old and a one year old. My husband doesn't travel, but he works all the time. I would lose my mind if I didn't get help. I fought this at first because I thought "I should be able to do it all perfectly by myself!", but that's just not real...not for me.

I do trades with other moms in my area. I have "mother's helpers" (school girls from my neighborhood) come in at least once a week after school. They tend to be less expensive than older sitters. It isn't that I need to get away necessarily, just that I need some one to play with the kids so I can get something done and have a few moments to myself.

If you can afford it, get someone to come in regularly. Your kids will get time with someone who is fresh and fun and you will be a better wife and mom if you have a little time to yourself!!

My advice is not to stress the little stuff. The kids aren't going to care if your sink is full of dishes or if no one picks up the blocks before bed. The other thing that helps me a lot is regular bed times. I need to know during a hard day that there is a point where everyone will be out of my hair. Its helpful to have an internal count down LOL!

K.,
Its okay. My little bit of advice I got from a friend of mine about chores. "If you want to come see me, come on over. If you want to see my house, make an appointment."
You will not die if you don't dust. I throw laundry in before the kids get up. Flip to the dryer when they take a five minute nap. Fold if they take naps.
Dishes, have Alex help. A little spilled water is a great reason to do a quick mop of the kitchen floor.
Dusting, can wait until your husband comes home.
When your hubby does come home. Make sure to give yourself a real break. Even if it means going to the grocery store and taking a minute to sneak to McD's without ordering a kids meal. Or getting a cup of coffee and sitting down to drink it. NO KIDS!
I feel overqwhelmed too becaus eI go to sschool online and have a 4 mon. old girl, Porhsa, and a new hip. So I have crutches. HUbby is wonderful, he vaccums and everything, but sometimes, I just have to have him drop me off at the library while he shops so I can have a mini vacation.
That doesn't make us bad mommies, it makes us sane mommies that take care of our kids, our hubbies, and OURSELVES.

Man, can I relate. When my two children were 4 and 2, my husband began a special assignment with the Air Force and only came home on weekends when he came home at all. We did this for 3 years and the last year I was pregnant with our third child. My kids are now 25, 23, and 19 but I still remember the difficulty of that time. Some important things to do: trade babysitting with a friend who has kids near the same age or pay a neighborhood girl even if the budget is tight. You need time away from the kids regularly or holding your temper will be hard. It is necessary to know that you can get away at least twice a week on your own, even if it is to go grocery shopping, so make it a priority. Make sure you get daily exercise. Taking the kids on a walk with you really helps. Hopefully you have a twin stroller. If not, try to find one at a garage sale or second-hand store. Then walk, at least an hour, each day when weather permits. Walk the mall when weather is bad. Go to the library weekly and bring home armfuls of books to read to the kids. When they are getting too wild, sit down for a reading fest. The kids will love it and calm right down. If you don't already use it, start using "time-out" for the 3 year old. Works so much better than yelling and helps you keep your temper. Relax your housekeeping standards a bit if you need to. The kids will only be this young for a few years and you can get back to spotless as they are able to help more. Right now, you can't do it all so prioritize. Be kind to yourself. Being the mother of young children with an often absent father is hard, really hard. It is more important that you enjoy your kids right now than that you win the Good Housekeeping award. Look for the humor in situations. Things always seemed to break when my husband was gone, never when he was home. One Monday, he had left to go catch the plane. But his flight was seriously delayed, so he came home for some breakfast. The toaster broke on him and he pointed at the toaster and said "You thought I had left!" We laughed so hard. Good memories. Repeat to yourself, "This too shall pass" whenever you feel too overwhelmed. And it does pass, all too quickly.

When my first was just 4 months old, my husband had a summer job (we were in college) for the Forest Service. He left Monday morning and camped every week. They soon decided to work long days and come home Thursday afternoon. But still, it was so hard to not be able to talk to an adult for three or four days straight! I found that calling up a friend just to talk really helped with that part.
Get out of the house. Go to a park, or if it's too cold, go to a McDonalds with a Playplace or a mall with a play area. Let your little girl burn off some steam. Go to the library and borrow new videos. At that age, my son loved going to the library to get books about a specific topic. We'd sort of do "units" on penguins, polar bears, volcanoes, the solar system, whatever. We'd get books and videos all about one subject, then when they were due, we'd take them back and choose a new subject. It was really interesting to me, too.
I also had my husband leave for a whole week when my oldest was just over 2 and the baby was 5 weeks old (and born by c-section). Talk about crazy! I kept up with laundry and meals (we ate lots of leftovers), but let the tidying up go for most of the week. It was easier to do one big push for tidy at the end of the week than try to keep it up the whole time. I kept naptimes the same, but everything else was just "go with the flow."
And even though my husband doesn't travel, he goes to a lot of evening meetings, sometimes coming home after the boys' bedtime. He can have 2-3 nights a week that he comes home for dinner, then rushes off again. It's maybe worse than having him gone on a trip, because I have to get dinner ready and the house tidy before he comes home, then help him get ready and out the door on time, but get no respite from the kids! That's when I instituted "movie nights." I pop some popcorn, we turn off the lights, and watch a movie that we'll all enjoy. It's usually Lion King 1 1/2, Mulan, another Disney Movie, or one of the "unit" movies from the library like March of the Penguins or Mt. St. Helens. We all get a break and a treat and it's not at all like turning on a movie for your kids so you can get dinner finished--it's a family activity and you actually bond a bit!
If you have a Cabella's nearby, that's another good place to go. Kids love animals, and it's better than the zoo because they don't run away or hide in their enclosures. And it's free! And my boys LOVE the giant fish tanks.

lol...I'm different maybe? First, boy do I hear you and boy can I relate! I don't make myself stick to any sort of schedule and the girls and I end up on a natural schedule that just develops. I like this because if we get off on timing, no big deal. We are laid back and have all the time in the world. Nothing bad has happened, nothing has fallen apart and I feel less of a responsible burdensome weight on my shoulders. As for me and my mind, I can't stand the traveling...never have, never will. I think it's crummy to be at home cleaning up puke with a lack of sleep and no relief to be seen anytime soon while he is staying in Caesar's Palace, for example. He has some niiiiice trips. So the sanity really comes from my laying off myself, living life more relaxed, not worrying about what I somehow trained myself sometime in life to think is important or must get done. My children and I just live. When the schedule gets full and crazy, I lose my temper more easily at times...well, I'm human and I get tired...so I try to keep a hold on a good attitude. I also give myself something to look forward to at the end of the day when the girls are in bed...a good movie, book, some excercise, whatever it may be...just as long as I'm looking forward to it and actually enjoy it...at least a little! The other hard thing is just the constant changing...now he's home, now he's not, now he's home, now he's not...now we have one voice that says this, now we have two that say differently. The change is what is harder than anything, I believe. That's just something my husband have to keep on top of and communicate about and all that. So far, imperfect but it's working out fine.

My husband travels a lot and I'm often home for a week or two with my kids (3 and 5). The other moms had fabulous advice on making a schedule and sticking to it - especially when it comes to the house. It's easy to get overwhelmed when you don't have someone to help in the evenings!

I find that if I step back and make really simple meals, that cuts back on a lot of the stress. My kids don't really care if I made a home cooked meal or if they have sandwiches.

Make sure the kids are in bed early so you have time to yourself in the evening. And as tempting as it may be, take that time for yourself and not to clean the house, etc. Read a book, watch a movie, take a bath - as long as it's about you! You'll be a much better mommy and wife if you get time to yourself.

Lastly, have you looked into joining a support group for moms? Try www.momsclub.com and www.mops.org It's wonderful if you can find a group of other mothers going through the same things you are, where you can talk to them and your kids can make some friends.

Is your 3-year old in preschool? If not, I highly recommend looking into it. A 2-3 hour break is wonderful for you (even with a baby at home) and it's great for his social skills and a kick start on his education.

Hi K.,
My husband doesn't travel often, but we own our own business and he often works late and comes home after the kids are in bed.
Do you have friends that you can go out to lunch with and let the kids play at a McDonalds or other play place? Often times we do that for lunch so at least I get some rest time in while they are letting out their energy.
Another suggestion is making a dinner that is big enough to have for left overs the next night, or another night that week. Maybe a lasagna, chili, enchiladas, salad, etc.
Maybe while your hubby is gone, let the chores go a little. You are only one person and can only do so much. So what if the house gets a little messier, he's not home to see it anyhow!
Good luck to you!

hi K..
i know how you feel and it's tough. my husband is in the air force. in 2007 he was gone for over 6 months (not all at once, 4 months, then 2, then several longer weeks). i was home alone with 2 year old twin boys and no family on this side of the US.
my advice to you...make sure you have some time to yourself. if you can't do it every day, at least try for every other. i run, so i asked friends to take turns helping watching my boys so i could get out and run for hour. (i repaid my friends by doing things for them too.) the space and the exercise were excellent battery rechargers. find a support group to help you get breaks in some form.
hope that helps! know that you're not alone in your feelings.

Yeah. I understand! I was pregnant with my second while my husband deployed for a year. Now my boys are 3 and 2 and I still spend many stretches 24/7 on my own. Did I mention I'm 7 months pregnant? I don't have family nearby, so I have no help and feel myself about to meltdown, but you know what? Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Take 5 minutes to yourself to read, stretch, talk to a friend on the phone. That's about all you can do. Being a mom is always a 24/7 job. While my husband was deployed, I just told myself that was his job, and he didn't complain. Mine was to take care of the kids. Sure, you need some time to yourself, but as I've found, you don't always get what you want and the sooner you stop thinking about what you don't get and thinking about all the quality time you're getting with your kids it makes it easier. I would rather be "stuck" full-time with my kids than on the road away from them for weeks-months-a year at a time. That's for sure!

OH! AND! Sometimes you gotta let the house & chores 'n' stuff go! That was the hardest part for me. I'm so stressed and tired, yet there's dishes, laundry, vacuuming.... blah, blah, blah. But if you can take the time you were going to use to, say, fold a load of laundry and instead play one-on-one with your kids, the stress will melt itself away. You'd be amazed at how 10 minutes of play with your child will mellow them out! If they get that time with you, they'll be more likely to play on their own when you need them to!

I commiserate with you, K.. My husband is currently in NYC on business for three weeks! When he is home I really depend on him to take care of the baby in the evening so that I can get dinner on and clean things up, so having him gone is tough. It's hard to do it all without any help. I have two suggestions for you.

First of of all, you have to be happy yourself, or you'll snap at the kids and be mad at yourself. You have to take care of you! Now, I know that it's virtually impossible to have alone time right now, but plan activities that get you out of the house. Ask a friend if she'll have you and your little ones over for dinner. Join a play group. Go to a family-friendly restaurant for lunch with your mom. Who is your support group? Who is nearby? Whether it's friends or family or you have to join a moms group, just make sure you get out of the house during the day. The kids have fun, you don't have to stare at your dirty house, you are distracted from your husbands absence, etc. It's a good way to pass the time while you wait for his return.

Secondly, check out www.flylady.net. It is the answer! Don't be overwhelmed by the big website or try to do it all at once. It's all about babysteps, routines, jumping in where you are, doing something for just 15 minutes. You are not behind! Jump in where you are! All of those are flyladyisms. If you join her webgroup and start reading her emails it will help you set up a routine to get through your day and also will help your perspective on what you need to get done.

Good luck, and remember you are not alone!

Hi K.!

When I was a young mom with tiny ones and my husband would go out of town I tried to make the best out of it. I lived in a foreign country and had no family and few friends around. It's a great time to get together with girlfriends, take the kids somewhere just to get out (even McDonalds), invite some single ladies over (young or old), and do things that would otherwise compete with time with your husband. My husband went away for a week camping and I was so mad at him and thought I wasn't going to be able to cope with the kids and I decided they didn't deserve to have a mad mom. So I took them to an amusement park and spent money I couldn't justify, but gave them some great memories instead of being angry! Ha! (It was easier than throwing all my husband's clothes out on the lawn, too!) Enjoy the kids, next thing you know they're in school and you'll wonder where time went! It does happen eventually! K. R.