How Do You Deal with Inappropriate Comments from In-laws?

You AND your hubby need to sit down with them and detail what things they cannot say. Make a list so you don't forget anything. I don't care if they are 150 years old, they still have power over their tongues. My in-laws do this occasionally (thankfully not racist or homophobic or anything as damaging our kids self esteem) with lewd, sexual comments, dirty jokes, talking about other people in a bad light, horrible language, etc. and we stop them as they are saying it. And you know what? They are GRACIOUS about it and don't want to do those things in front of the kids. They actually thank us for reminding them to watch their tongues.

Your inlaws don't seem to know much about honoring. As far as being Christians.......tell them to act like Christian's ought to act. Tell them to open their Bibles to the book of James to see what it means to tame the tongue.

Don't feel like you have to sit idly by or even rely on your husband to talk to them. You can stop them AS they are talking and say that it's time to change the subject because little ears are listening. They will get mad.....it's a given. But who cares? The right to free speech comes with responsibilities and you and your husband can hold them accountable when they are around your kids.

GOOD LUCK!

I have been around people who are careless like this. In these cases, I address my son to counter what was just said. For example, if someone were to comment about his weight, I would go to him (on grandpa's lap and all) and say, "Your body is perfect because God made it, no matter what anyone says." Your in-laws will likely say that you can't take a joke/you're taking it out of context/don't be so serious/etc etc etc. By making these stmts to you, they've invited you to a direct conversation, with your daughter as an observer. You have the opportunity to be direct, so get over the fears at this point (remember, they invited you to talk about this). You can tell them exactly what was your initial reaction: "Are you trying to make a perfectly healthy child anorexic?" Either they will step up into a mature conversation, or they will shut down. Or they will be defensive and try to prove why the joke was okay. No matter how they react, you should feel confident that teaching your daughter what is good and right in the long run is more important than the stress from this one conversation.

I find it difficult to be direct because I don't trust my initial reaction. Some people are just born with that assertive gene. Not me. I use the above technique to give myself some thinking time, then I'm ready for a direct conversation. You can talk with your daughter on the way home, acknowledging that everyone has a right to their opinions, everyone is different, everyone is the same, we should appreciate our differences, etc.

I hear you that you don't want to have to deal with these topics to preserve a cordial relationship. Instead of avoiding, teach your daughter what you want her to know about the world. Unfortunate for your in-laws, they will be an example about what you do NOT want. It is their choice, after all, to be this way, despite what your hubby excuses as being old. And it's your responsibility to break the cycle for your daughter.

One place I frequent for guidance and confidence for discussing racism and other similar issues is www.loveisntenough.com, previously known as The Anti-Racist Parent board. You will find the words easier with your daughter when you arm yourself with what is discussed on this site.

I have not read all the responses but I agree with what most have said in terms of your husband talking to his parents. It is his responsibility bc they are his parents and you as the daughter-in-law are in an awkward position. I speak from experience bc I have dealt with inappropriate comments from my in-law's (who are divorced but in general I get along with but not very buddy buddy). Sounds like you and I are in similar situations - would be happy to discuss separately or share frustrations in one on one emails if you like, I know how it helps to vent to others without being judged. Luckily my husband has had the guts in the past to stand up to his parents depending on the situation since some of it even angers him. So I'm lucky with that but, there are other issues that he won't confront that I wish he would....it's the good old, "It's just how he is, I can't say anything." So frustrating. Anyway, I think your hubby has to talk to them and not make any excuses bc by ignoring your feelings, it's disrespecting you. Aside from that, I think depending on the situation and what has been said, you do have a right to say something to your in-laws if they have said somethng that is really bugging you but you have to do it in a non-confrontational way. Try to keep your calm but I think if you present your feelings with the right approach, it might help. I'm in the same shoes and I know when to say something right then and there and for those moments where I know it is not my place to say something, I tell my hubby and he deals with it. It's like with kids....you know which battles to stand up for and which ones to pass the battle off to. Make sense? Good luck.

I think everyone has some great advice. The biggest thing that needs to happen is that your husband needs to step up. These are his parents, and while you may stand up for your children, unless he stands next to you and supports you, they are more than likely not going to listen. Yes, they may be older, but they are not stupid. They really can learn new tricks. I had some of the same problems with my MIL & my husband told her off. It got to the point that we weren't seeing or talking to her. When he explained, she got it. She has since been trying really hard to change how she talks about & to our kids. But, it has to come from him or at the very least the 2 of you.
Good luck.

My first thought was "Have your husband talk to them," and then you said that he was going to. But why can't he talk to them about the race/religion/politics issue too? Perhaps when in a situation you don't want your daughter to hear, simply take her hand and excuse yourselves saying "I'm sorry, I just don't think she needs to hear this" or "Sorry, I don't think this is the kind of conversation she needs to be a part of." and leave the room. I would hope they'd get the hint, maybe they'll confront you about it and then you won't have to be the 'argument starter.' ?? Wish I had some first hand advice for you, but haven't had issues with this yet. I do agree with you that what they're saying about her 'blubber' is very inappropriate, especially now-adays when eating disorders are rampant. Good luck!

Hi there,
Wow, this is hard, and familiar too, as my MIL and her family are like that. It has driven me to tears.
First, make sure (really, really sure) that your husband really knows how you feel and confirm that he will back you no matter what.
Then, make a game plan. Meet with them for lunch or something and explain (with specific examples) what the problems are. I wouldn't send a letter, it gives them something to wave around angrily. Ask them to tone it down. Tell them what you will do when it happens in front of the kids, if ever it should. Take a page out of their own book (as Anne-Marie very wisely counsels)... if they are so religious, you can take them out with a jujitsu move. Yes they will probably get mad, but perhaps it would be nice not to see so much of them for a while, right?
Then be sure to follow up as promised if they do slip up when you are together. You will be within your rights. And your kids must learn the values you want them to learn, and it sounds like "morality over politeness" might be one of them.
Good luck, it's not easy. But believe me, I don't miss my racist, fascist aunt and uncle in law one tiny bit.
Cheers
K.

Tough one. I would make sure you and your husband are on the same page, and agree that you or he or both of you will speak up in front of everyone to show the children how to respond. They will hear "not nice" things throughout their lives. This is your opportunity to teach them how to respond. Also - if you can, I would talk w/ them and your husband about things you'd rather not have them discuss in front of your kids. Pick the biggies so it's not a laundry list. My MIL has the mouth of a truck driver - so I bluntly told her NOT to use that language in front of my kids - from day one. I had to remind her (on the spot) 1 to 2 times, but she has been very good about it for the last 2 years. Good luck.

My son is the most precious person in the world to me, so when it comes to his well-being (emotionally and physically) I am never a wallflower. I'm a pretty assertive person as it is, so when I have something to say, I just say it. I get tired of people making excuses for bigoted, ignorant elderly people by saying that they are old, that's just the way they are. It doesn't matter how old you are (or how young) it's never an excuse to act like a jerk. These are your children, and I'm pretty sure that you're aware that children are sponges, and they are listening to everything that you in-law's are saying. I wish you the best of luck and I really pray that you take charge and talk to them soon. Their attitudes, comments and behavior is NOT OKAY.

Oh this is definitely a tough situation. You've gotten some good advice, and some that I suspect is just impractical. I totally understand that you want to preserve a cordial relationship and it doesn't sound like you are all that close to the ILs to begin with so that makes it difficult. One thing that may be magnifying the situation is that it sounds like you don't see them very much so that introduces a different dynamic.

First thing - I completely agree that you have to have a long conversation with your husband with specific examples to make sure you are both in agreement about what's going on.

Then I think you have several choices, as stated in many of the previous posts. One is to have the two of you have a chat with his parents together, one is for him to chat alone when you next see them. I think a phone conversation will not go as well, in person is a must for this sort of thing. If you have the conversation alone you will be the bad guy and I wouldn't advise this. I think the conversation should be high level at first - discussing parenting strategies and philosophies but with attention to the fact that you are trying tp raise a child with an open mind and a positive body image.

I agree with the strategy that removing the child from the situation is probably the least confrontational (where you say something like "this isn't appropriate conversation for little ears") and will convey the message loud and clear.

I have issues with my ILs as well but they are nothing like this so I hope you are able to figure out something that works for all.

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Whoa! Yes, you've got to speak up and keep speaking up. Let your daughter see first hand how to stick up for oneself, others, one's beliefs, etc. I like how you follow-up with a conversation of what happened/what was said with your daughter afterward -- good for you! Now you need to strengthen that by showing that one doesn't have to stand by and allow others to be put down.

Regarding what was said about your daughter's weight, I would have immediately said to them, "That is absolutely not true. She is right on track on her growth charts." Point blank and matter-of-factly. Use a tone that shows you are serious and not going to stand for unfounded -- and cruel -- criticism. Be brisk and be stern.

In regards to the religious/political comments, this is definitely a bit touchier. I guess I would start off by addressing it the next time it happens. I would probably start off by saying something like, "The world that we live in today is more diverse than it's ever been and we are really trying to teach our children the importance of inclusion, getting along with others and acceptance of various view points. When the kids hear you talking this way, it is going against how we are trying to raise them. I realize you aren't going to change your viewpoints, but your son and I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from speaking of others in such a way when you are around the kids." It actually might be quite powerful if you did it right then and there, in front of the kids. Let them see that you stick up for what you believe in and what you believe in is tolerance and acceptance of others.

Racism is something that I don't tolerate whatsoever and I would respond so quicky their head would spin. Let them hear the definite disapproval in your voice. "We don't speak that way." Flat and point blank, with the warning in your voice and eyes. I mean, seriously. We all have people in our lives who don't share our views, came from a different time/generation, blah blah blah. Be strong and stick up for your convictions. This is how children learn.

Good luck, S.! May I say you won't be scoring any points with your in-laws, but you'll be shaping your children to live in harmony with others. And that's our job as parents.

If *you* don't stand up for your child, who will? The behaviour you've described is extremely demeaning and could be potentially very damaging. My mom and grandmother used to do the same thing; comment on my weight, call me fat, etc. It's devastating.

Pick up the phone, call the in-laws and let them know you've been reflecting on the behaviour and it doesn't sit well with you. That the next time you visit if they start up, you will have to remove yourself and your children from their presence until they can shape up (or shut up!). Then when you get there, FOLLOW THROUGH! Let your children know that you love them and when people say or do hurtful things it's your job to protect them and when you walk out the door with them, that's what you're doing is protecting them. GL!

Because your children cannot advocate for themselves that is your job. Although it may be uncomfortable and not welcome, stick up for your babies. No little girl should hear negative comments about her body, she is PERFECT and that's all that needs to be said. Next time anyone says anything about your daughters weight I would make sure she heard you tell them that she is perfect and beautiful and there is nothing you need or want to change about her. Then I would tell them to not talk about her weight period.

As far as other negative or unwelcome comments I would just say "I would rather not talk about this."

And anyone who is claiming to be a "christian" yet judges those around them have a loooong way to go in their walk. Just ignore those silly comments.

If you are comfortable enougth to call and talk to your in laws about this situation I would do that before you see them again. Lay down some ground rules. 1. No body comments period. 2. No religious views being pushed on your family 3.... and so on. Let them know that if these boundaries are not respected you and your family will leave.

I, too, have dealt with similar issues. First thing, you and your husband need to have a good talk and get on the same page. Does he feel the comments are wrong? If not, does he respect the fact that you do?

In my marriage, if my husband or I have a problem with something my mother does, I talk with her. If we have a problem with his parents, he talks to them. It is the child's responsibility to talk with their own parent, in my opinion, and stand up for their spouse.

If your husband is unwilling to talk with his parents, you may have no choice but to step up. Maybe writing them a letter would help. Or, talk with them sometime in private, with your husband present, no kids. Express to them that you know everyone loves the children and want what is best, and tell them your concerns. But again, first things first, you and your hubby need to be on the same team.

I wish you the best of luck.

This is an old thread, but I have a very similar situation. Over the years, I've found my voice and asked certain behaviors, comments to stop. They haven't completely, but they've gotten better. When it comes down to it, they just don't understand the reasoning behind it all. It's a totally different ideology for older generations. They come from a time when you don't respect children, their boundaries, bodies, feelings, or thoughts. When you ask them to stop talking about certain things, they take it as a personal insult, because you are essentially insulting their beliefs and way of life. I have come to a point where I limit exposure as much as I can, and correct things they say by directly addressing my children. Grandparent to Grandchild: "Your hair looks better when you cut it the other way, you look cuter with longer hair". Me to child (immediately, loud, and pointedly): "Your hair looks great, and you should wear it however it makes you happy". I correct my in-laws and parents immediately. We do have tension, but my kids' emotional and moral well being is more important than protecting the elders' ignorant feelings. They can change their ways or not see my kids again... PERIOD

see you're asking the wrong way. there is no way i could respond to such comments politely. these things are inappropriate to be said not only in front of a 4 year old but a 64 year old as well. that is ignorant.
on top of that to start making your daughter at age 4 worry about her weight can lead to eating disorders later in life.
i wouldn't say anything in front of the kids. i would probably say it over the phone before they show up. you don't need a formula as how to say it. easy. just something like:
i need to tell you the comments you have been saying in front oif my daughter need to stop.
(oh like what?)
well, talking about her weight, talking about religion (and all others) go against everything your son and i believe in and have been teaching our kids. i respect your opinions, as long as you keep them at your home, and not bring them to my house. please understand that i have been trying to give you chances to come to realization yourself as to how inappropriate these things are but i really don't have a lifetime to give you considering my daughter hears and understands you. THANKS.
here. there. i did the part for you.
this is the most polite way i could make myself go. i would not have been as easy and understanding
good luck

Dear S. J,

Dear, you've got good intentions but you're trying to control someone else, which never works. No one can control another person's beliefs. I understand how this situation is making you feel; I've there many, many times. But the truth is you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself, and you know how much work that is and how much time it takes.

Your husband knows he can't control his parents-- he knows them better than you do .They ARE old and really you don't want to foster disrespect for them. That would be more destructive than their saying things you don't agree with.

You CAN control how you feel about and interact with your in-laws. You CAN control how you talk about them to your daughter.

To me, the most important point in your story is their talking about her weight. I suggest that you and your husband talk about this with her too--still in a non-judgmental way. In addition to calming yourself down about this issue, there are three absolutely essential ways you can help your daughter to grow up healthy and happy: 1) give her healthy food and only occasional snacks, limit fats and sugar, 2) make sure she gets outdoors to play every day, and 3) restrict her TV viewing time. When she's older, also restrict her access to teen magazines, movies, all that junk that gives women the message that they're not perfect, that they need to be taller, thinner, richer, and that the only way they can do that is to buy sexy clothes, make up, get their teeth fixed, wear more jewelry, etc.
GOOD LUCK!!!