How Do You Let the Comments Go?

You need to let it go. I am a big tom boy with a girly girl. I have no idea how that happened!! She's got me, local grandma who is even more tom-boyish than me, and three brothers - but oh the world is ending if I even make a suggestion of wearing pants.

I still do believe that girly girls do tend to be more high maintenance. But so what? It's her life to live. Even as a low maintenance tom boy, I still look at the beautiful, put together women always pristinely dressed and think admiringly "where do they find the time to do that everyday?" And as far as men go down way down the line - I think they are much more appreciative of the women that put more of an effort into all of that stuff. While I love being who I am and very low key, and really wish my daughter followed suit (I hate the girly girl stuff) there's not anything negative associated to it.

There's also emotional high maintenance, and being a girly girl doesn't necessarily equate to ending up like that.

I hate stuff like this.... I'm sorry your family can't behave!

I think you would feel better if you translated what your SIL and MIL said.....

Instead of "she is glad her daughter is not a girly girl..... girly girls are high maitenance" She MEANT "I'm just not sure I did the best for my daughter.... were my decisions OK? Maybe not, but I feel like I should defend them and insinuate that if someone is different from my daughter, that I would prefer my daughter. This way I will feel like I am doing OK as a mom"

And when MIL replied "Ya, but its the parents that make them that way" what she MEANT was "I'm not sure I did the best as a mom, but I blame myself every day for how my kids turned out. If I had it to do over again, I would do things differently because I feel responsible in a way that I shouldn't".

I would not confront them..... only because it won't do any good. They won't change and you won't feel better (is my guess). Just know that mama bear comes out ever so often.... and that's fine. Don't stoop to their level and justify how you parent. Know that if you kid is happy and healthy that is all that matters.

You know, I don't think people - especially family - are thinking when they say these types of things. they express a feeling or an emotion and don't consider how it will sound to others.
I hate to say it, you are going to have to pull up your big girly-girl panties (hee hee) and get over it. If she says it again or makes a comment that is the time to address it, not days or weeks later.
how to get over it? just look at how great your girls are and revel in that. :)

Don't confront them. This isn't about them it's about you. They are going to have their opinions (as all people do) the problem is why does it bother you so much? If you are secure and confident in your choices then these kinds of comments should roll off your back like water off a duck.
Maybe you are seeking approval from your MIL and SIL for some reason? Do you feel like they don't like you? Do they constantly criticize or otherwise belittle you? If yes, then that's another story, but if not, it's just an opinion, let them have it and move on!

You can tell yourself to stop thinking about these statements. Tell yourself that getting involved is not helpful. Remind yourself that you want to be happy. Letting go of the comments will make you happy.

I suggest that calling a child high maintenance is just a description based on that person's beliefs. It has nothing to do with reality. You know your girls are not high maintenance so why let it bother you.

I also suggest that the statement was probably made as a conversation topic. You do not need to take it seriously. You could respond with, "well my daughter is the exception to that rule. She's not high maintenance." And then laugh it off.

Sounds like your SIL already did it for you.

Your MIL probably is afraid she will be spoiled because you buy her so many clothes. She could have talked about that worry of hers a different way, but this is the way she did it instead.

I'd ignore her remarks, but do try to think about the reason she is making the remarks. If you do buy your daughter clothes and can't say no to her, then it may come back to bite you in the butt.

By the way, I don't think that your SIL not putting her daughter into frilly dresses because she doesn't like them is the same, at all...

Dawn

I wouldn't take it as an insult. Some girls are "girly girls" and some aren't. (And yes, that often traslates into high maintenance) Some are by nature, some by nurture. It's no more of an insult than "tom boy".

I have a rather misanthropic answer to your question, which works in a number of situations.

First off, always remember, people are stupid. Let me qualify this by saying "not everyone, and not all the time". But still, people are really stupid. They say dumb and petty things and try to prove points that don't even need discussing.

People say stupid sh*t to each other, and we react. Instead of saying to ourselves "Wow, that was a stupid thing for so-and-so to say! Who needs that?!" and ignoring it (or cackling inwardly at their ignornace, which is quite fun sometimes), we get defensive and want to justify ourselves.

Here's part two: do not attempt to explain or justify oneself to a person who is making stupid talk. They are on a roll, believe what they believe, and won't listen to reason. Do not waste your breath, thought, energy on it.

Do what works for your family and your girls. As long as you feel the shopping is in control financially, why should any of them care? I personally find the statements of your one SIL and MIL very sexist. And stoooopidly stupid. I mean, whoever would say "well, you know, those boy-boys are so tough to deal with?" because a boy wanted trucks or dinosaurs on their clothes? Pshaw.

Really, when people say stupid things like this, give their statement the respect and attention it deserves: none.

I bet that your SIL is jealous and would actually like a little girl who is girly. Jealousy is usually what fuels that kind of comment. Sounds like your other SIL put her in her place though. Take her example of dealing with the comments. Don't let them slide if they bother you---this is what keeps the comments coming. I bet your SIL will think twice next time she has something like that to say.

So would your family all be happier if you just spent lots of money on senseless toys or electronic gadgets? It seems people are usually fine with spoiling children. But it's not okay to buy her "girly" things because that makes her "high maintence"? WTH? I suppose it's different if you're taking her for manicures and hair treatments. But some girly clothes... I suppose I don't get the big deal. As for your question, there is nothing to be done. It's how they feel about it. Bringing it up will only make it a more prominent issue. Just let it go. No harm, no foul.

I think that the comments bother you so much because you haven't had your own witty response to them. Maybe you just keep your mouth shut because you're not absolutely sure how you feel about it. On one hand, your explanation makes good sense, but on some level, you're probably questioning your decisions and wondering if they should be tweaked in any way. That's called good parenting, so don't worry about it at all. Be confident in your decisions until you're not. And then make changes. If it will make you feel better, tell them that this is a good idea for her right now, and as soon as it's not, you'll steer her in a different direction. Until they have the balls to speak their comments directly to you, assume that they are't even talking to you.

My opinion is, this is one of those "pick your battle" situations and I would just let it go. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Everyone is entitled to be their own "selves". Moms can be so catty around each other. Just understand that is her opinion and don't stoop to her level by trying to explain or justify who your daughter is.

My daughter is a tom boy. She wears jean shorts, jeans and t shirts. Mostly black and dark colors. The bug guy came to spray the house yesterday. I followed him around and I said, Oh, be careful in my daughters room, its a mess. He stepped in and just stood there. I was behind him and asked what was wrong. He said, oh, I thought you said your daughter, this looks like your sons room. I started laughing and really LOOKED at her room...its filled with Transformers, Bakugan, Pokeman, 4 electric guitars, CD's and art supplies. Seeing it from someone elses point, it DOES look like a boys room. Even her bedspread is zebra print, not flowers or "girly" print. Anyway, he just said, "that is so cool". It made me feel good that I can just let her be herself. How sad to try to stifle our kids and make them something they don't *feel* inside. So just try to let the b.s. go if you can. Good luck!

I think children are who they are and they are born that way! It was evident from a very young age who was "girlie" in our family and who wasn't. My cousin had two girls. She dressed them both similar as babies and as they grew up they formed their own style. One is a "girlie girl" who loves shoes and dresses. She was like that since she was two! The other prefers jeans or pants and she's always running around doing "tomboy" type things. They were both raised similar and by the same mom, so you can't really say one "makes them that way."

I would ignore what they said for now, but have a few remarks ready for next time. My favorite remark that I got from Miss Manners and works for almost all situations is "Why would you make such a insensitive remark?" I think it works well to "call them on the carpet" about what they are saying. If you say it quietly and without emotion and then look them in the face while you're saying it, it works wonders!

I do think your SIL put them in their place with her remark so nothing else need be said. If you want to feel better, call up your SIL and thank her for coming to your defense. Perhaps commiserating with your SIL over it may help you move on.

What is wrong with being a 'girly girl'?

I love WindyCityMom's answer- spot on. I would definitely agree that SIL is probably jealous and MIL was backing her up due to insecurities of her own. I know letting it go is easier said than done, but that's what you need to try to do. I'm sure it also bothers you that you didn't have a witty comeback right then, you've probably thought of a thousand since the incident. I do this all the time, replay what I SHOULD have said.

What you describe is how my family can be as well. Very snide and catty comments. I am usually prepared for them, and can let them bounce off now (took a long time to get to that place). With enough practice, when they say something you really will hear it as their insecurity, and then it just seems pathetic and sad. But I do understand the urge to confront, it just won't get you anywhere. I will also say that every once in a while, I do snap back because enough is enough sometimes! Good luck to you.

it was rude of them. your not going to change the way they think but i do think it would be permitted if you stopped them from slamming your daughter in front of everyone. although i think your sil took care of that for you. now its time to let it go but be prepaired for another statement or two from others on the topic of girly girls.

btw i am a tshirt jeans no make up flip flops kind of girl. my daughter is a painted nails, pink poofy girly girl. she is two. my mom made several comments on how i must hate all that pink she loves. i explained it to her like this. i am just fine with her being girly, thats what she enjoys and likes. as long as you dont put me in a pink poofy thing its ok for her to be her and me to be me. She seemed to get it then and hasnt mentioned it since. I recently found out that I was not raised a poofy girl girl because I wouldnt let them. My aunt was telling me how they tried and tried to put me in those cute clothes and I wouldnt let them. Come to think of it if you tried to put your daughter in more rock n roll or goth clothes I think you would see the light in her dem. Just like the light gets bright when they do wear the poofy. Silly girls! Let them just be.