How Much Tough Love Is Too Much

If he has never met his brother, not going to his graduation probably won't mean much to him. As far as the tough love goes- I would not subsidize him at all. When he gets kicked out of the friend's house, let him know he is welcome to come to Sunday dinner or dinner once a week or something and that is IT. Lol, if he shows up and is polite and helpful, maybe let him run a load of laundry so he has some clean clothes, but NO money and NO place to stay unless he gets a job and shows some responsibility.

It sounds like so far he has shown a talent for getting people to help him out, but he will run out of 'friends' sooner or later and need to get serious. I don't think you are being too tough at all!

You have to decide on your priority here b/c if he has never met his brother than there is probably no genuine incentive to "work" for the trip.

I would suggest having the "family reunion" in a more private setting and allowing the "chips to fall" as they will for the free-loader. His presence at this "big day" will probably make you crazy... free meals, free trip, free hotel room, etc. and I doubt he will appreciate it fully.

Stick with it or it won't work. Tough love is toughest on those of us who want to help. Seriously, he will be a freeloading mooch forever if people keep bailing him out. We have several relatives who mooch off a rich one.
They are immoral, lazy, and about worthless. They needed tough love.

If he has never met his brother he probably wouldn't want be excited to pay his way. I would talk to him about free loading or he'll end up back with you when the friends mom kicks him out.

I would make him pay. If he can't afford it then I guess he won't go. If meeting his brother before now wasn't important, why now?

If HE really wants to meet this brother, he will make it happen on his own.. Do not be an enabler.. Stay tough.

If you do decide to pay maybe you could just think of the other brother in the situation and not the freeloader. Give him the trip out there but thats it. Is the other brother a good kid? If so then you can think about doing the other kid a favor by letting him meet his brother for the first time on a big day for him.

If it wasn't a family gig, I'd tell him he's on his own. I think there are other ways to teach him he can't freeload off you. If he's freeloading off friends and they allow it, then that's their issue.

Stacey B said it perfectly! If he wanted to go then it would be just to get the free trip and expenses paid...If he wants to go let him pay!!

I think that, without knowing why he hasn't yet met his brother it's kinda hard to say that he never wanted to and so therefore the only reason he want's to now is for the free ride like other posters have mentioned.

I clearly see your dilemma! Maybe a happy medium? How far away is the graduation, I'm assuming it's in May? So maybe you tell him that you will pay his way, if he works for it! He can do odd jobs around your house or something like that. I don't know how far you are traveling so cost is in question, but maybe if he got a job and was just showing improvement and making an effort. Or tell him that if he contributes half then you'll get the other half.

On the other hand, why not ask your other SS if he would like to come visit during his summer break and pay for him to travel back to your place. Don't know if this is an option but it's an idea! That way the brothers can meet and you're not enabling the freeloader!

Honestly it is a seriously tough problem. I wish you the best of luck!

A.

Don't cave. He is an adult and needs to learn to be one! Even if it is the hard way. I am a real believer in tough love. It is the only way my boys learn. Mom is stupid and doesn't know anything... if you get my drift!

It's not your job to raise this guy. He's a freeloader, but that's really his own deal. Are you trying to change him because you care about him and want to see him succeed? Or are you just tired of him getting free stuff while you have to work for it? We can't change anybody but ourselves and dont have the right to try. What about the other brother? He's not a freeloader. Wouldn't it be a nice graduation gift to bring his long lost brother to him? If freeloader can't pay, you could alwys just make him do all the driving. He could contribute in other ways.

IMHO, "Tough Love Moms" never cave. If they see a chink in your armor, you will lose all the groundwork you have put in. Doesn't mean you don't love your kids; just that you will not be walked all over. Teach them now or you may see them back again at age 30+ (not a pretty sight). Hang tough!

Perhaps getting him to visit his bro and dad could be a positive step in the right direction. Maybe it will give him a renewed sense of self and help drive him to desire accomplishment. If you are all going for graduation, I would pay a portion of his way as a family vacation. That doesn't mean you have to indulge him while there, or that you have to enable him and let him mooch when you get back, but I do think it would be a good and positive thing to go.

Dr. Phil has plenty of great advice on dealing with moochers (scroll down on the links too):
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/29
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/520

You won't be doing him any favors to let him freeload from you. Be firm and do what you think is right. He is an adult and needs to grow up! People have allowed him to freeload for too long---he needs a wakeup call. Good Luck!

M