How To

WOW CALM DOWN!!!!
It's not like they took her to a bar and gave her a beer and a joint. They took her out to eat and to a playground. Grandparents do that. That is part of the special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

If you don't trust them with her don't leave her with them. And you are being a control freak.

Are you serious?
Sorry. If they are watching your child, they should be free to enjoy her, and do stuff with her, do you expect them just to sit at home and watch TV and bake cakes?
Of course they will galavant, that is what grandparents do with their grandchildren.
I don't think they need to ask you every time they take her to the park, or to dinner.

Read your update - no car seat, no rides. Get them a grandma seat to keep in their car

Honestly, with you being as strict as you clearly are given the subject matter, the only way I can see of you 'handling this' is to not leave your kid at their house.

I get what you're saying about previously asking them to give you a detailed itinerary of what they'll be doing, but I do think it's kind of weird & for the life of me I can't figure out why you think that your in-laws treating your daughter to go out to eat & then play on a playground falls into the realm of taking advantage......???

I've got to believe there's considerably more to this story than you've explained because it just doesn't make any sense at all to me otherwise.

If you don't trust them to take your child out to dinner and to the park, then why would you leave your child with them in the first place?

I think this is a bit extreme. Sorry. Grandma and Grandpa time is special and not meant to be controlled by mom and dad. Just my opinion. Good luck.

ETA - I agree about not having a car seat. But the other stuff still seems a bit controlling on your end tho. I would LOVE for my kids to be able to see their grandparents 3/4 times a week.

On the on chance that whomever is watching my children needs to go out with them, I have always left their car seats and booster seats behind. That's how you handle it in the future. You give them some leeway and make sure that they have a safe way to transport your daughter by leaving a car seat and installing it in the car themselves. In fact, you should probably just buy one for their car so that it's permanently installed.

It's irresponsible not to make accommodations like that, don't you think? Suppose there's an emergency where they have to leave the house and they don't have time to call you for "permission?" Think about the fact that they love your child at least as much as you do, if not more, and that they wouldn't ever intentionally harm her. If they took her out to dinner, that's harmless. The playground? Harmless.

They had a way to get in touch with you in case there was a problem, but there weren't any problems. Oh yes, and let's not forget that THEY TOLD YOU what they did during their evening. They didn't take advantage of you. They took advantage of an enjoyable evening and made sure your daughter had a great time. You knew who she was with, you knew essentially where she was. I don't see the problem. Loosen the umbilical cord just a snit.

EDIT: Wow, talk about freaking rude. People spend generous amounts of time offering you advice and other perspectives and you decide that since it's not patting you on the back and telling you how right you are you're going to delete your post ie. take your ball and go home? That's not very mature. Grow up.

The not having a car seat issue aside (which I can understand you being upset about) I don't see an issue with the child's grandparents taking her out. What are they supposed to do? Sit at home all night and stare at each other?

They took her out to eat. If they hadn't had a chance to go shopping, they wouldn't have food in the house. Maybe they HAD to take her out to eat.

They took her to the playground. Do they have toys for the kids at their house? If not, then what's the problem? They wanted to keep her entertained and busy.

My advice: Make sure they have a car seat and then calm down when they take the child out. If it bothers you so much, then either ask for a detailed itinerary stating where they're going and which routes they'll be taking or just quit taking the child over there.

As a grandparent I can understand your inlaws wanting to do fun things with their grandchild HOWEVER no car seat means no car rides. Period. That's something that isn't even up for discussion. That's how I would approach it with your inlaws. Your child's safety isn't worth risking for a trip out to eat or a fun activity.

I have to agree with many of the others. Grandparent time is special time. If you trust them enough to watch your daughter, know that they will probably want to take her out and about. There is no reason they should have to ask you first (unless it is someplace that could be dangerous...my grandfather tried taking my son to the gun range at 4, that didn't fly...). If you aren't comfortable with them taking her places, then you shouldn't have them watching her at all.

As for the car seat, go to Wal-Mart, buy them a $50 no frills seat (they all have to pass the same safety inspections), and leave it with them to have in their car at all times. Then there is no excuse as to why they aren't using it.

Just ask them what they plan to do, always leave them with a car seat and either put it in their car for them or make sure they know how to secure it. It's irresponsible of you to leave your child with someone who doesn't have a car seat in case of emergency anyway.

FWIW I think you're being a bit nuts. Assume that they will take her places when she's there - dinner out and a trip to the playground sound like a lovely time.

Don't make them ask permission - you can just ask them what their plans are and assume that they may want to go out and plan accordingly.

It's really hard when your leaving your little one with someone else. I think that it is totally within your rights as parents to want to know what and where and when your daughter is being transported. Having said that I think its kind of over the top that your angry that grandma took her granddaughter out and around. Was she being transported safely? carseat? buckled etc? I personally keep my grandkids all the time. Have since they started being born 11 years ago. I would feel really hurt and probably pissed if one of my kids said " we need to know each and every thing you do while you are babysitting for us" you need to ask your self Do I trust them or not? if you do let it go. if you don't then don't ask them to babysit and don't be angry when they decide that babysitting for you is really more than they want to mess with. afterall they raised your husband right?

It is up to you, as the Parents, to ALSO, ask THEM what their plans are with your child. To state her bedtime. To state what she can or cannot eat.
To ASK, any questions.

YOU can also, while you are out, CALL them, and see how she is doing and where they are etc.

It is also up to you... to decide, IF and when they see your child. You said they see your child 3-4 times a week already and you feel that is WAY too much. So the solution is: don't let them see your child that much.
Say you have plans, say it is not a good time. Say something.
They don't drive the wagon. You do.

You just say, NO.

Grandparents will do whatever, unless you state specific things to them. AND simply call them... to see what they are doing and where they are, when your child is over there.

I am sure, they have CELL phones?
If not, then get them some. So you can call them anytime. From anywhere.

You... expect them to 'ask' permission for things per where they take your child. But they don't. SO.... the solution is to simply CALL them, from wherever you are, and ask them "So how's it going? What are you all doing?", or "Where are you guys? Can we speak to our daughter?"

If you want to know where your child is, simply call them and ask.

Despite all the answers (which I can't say I totally disagree with) I will be honest and tell you I know where you are coming from. My heart sank the first time I learned the in-laws took our little one around town to do fun things (last summer). I talked to my husband about my fears and concerns and we agreed to some "ground rules" such as his Dad is not allowed to drive and not to be left alone in charge of the kids (when mother-in-law is there she is much more responsible and safe). I realized some of my fears were ungrounded and just me being a protective Mom but I realized I can't keep my kids a cocoon their entire lives so this was a good way to start branching out a bit for us. It's been a year now and, yes, there have been a few mishaps but those are all overshadowed by the fun times and memories our kids are making with their grandparents! Good luck and look for some middle ground. :)

My parents and inlaws both have a carseat for my youngest and a booster for my oldest at their houses. If there were some reason, even an emergency, whoever is watching your child needs to have them for your child! We have even switched cars when my parents babysit at our house, so that they have child seats if need be.

I wish my parents or in-laws would take my kids sometimes. I could sure use the break.
I think its great they like to spend time with her. I do agree they should have asked for the car seat even if they weren't sure if they were going anywhere. It's always nice to have in case of an emergency or if they wanted to go out to eat.
I guess it's just me because other then the car seat deal I don't understand why some parents have to be asked permission to go somewhere.
No I am not being rude just stating that I do not understand that and would like to see others views on that.

Your daughter needs a relationship with her grandparents, so please do not put limits on their time together. Try to be grateful that they are able to spend as much time with her as they are. My kids do not get as much time with their grandparents as your daughter does, so I'm jealous.

What can you do? If you will be leaving her with her grandparents how about asking them ahead of time what they are planning to do that evening. Let them know that you are just curious and would like to know what fun things they have in store. Do what you can to let the in-laws know that you trust them completely, so it's not a matter of you questioning them. You just feel better knowing.

What you might need to do for yourself is to realize that their plans might change. Try not to get upset if the evening doesn't go exactly the way you thought it was going to. If they say they're going out for pizza and end up going to a Chinese restaurant without calling you, just go with it. Remind yourself that you do know where your daughter is. She is with her grandparents who love her and will do everything they need to in order to keep her safe.

Please remember that of course it's your job to worry, but you will never be able to control everything and you will never be able to protect her at all times, even if you do know exactly where she is.

Yes, insist on a carseat and proper usage. That is a must. But relax. Let her grandparents have fun with her. She'll thank you for it later.

ha i was like that since I only have one...My mom called it only child syndrome...b/c with your first you worry about everything then you have a second and then don't have time to worry so you get more laid back, so with M. only having one it took M. a whole lot longer to relax (J. not at 4 I finally don't stress when leaving her, but thats also due to th fact with working full time and being split from her dad I'm getting used to having to trust people)....also I've realized I can;t keep her in a cocoon...you're post seems like you're writing it to get the answers you want after the update...if it was about not having a carseat why wouldn't that be your whole rant? Thats understandable, and everyone would've sided with you but you didn't include that very impt detail until noone agreed with you. Next time leave your carseat in their car before you leave. Thats what I do.

I'm just guessing at your question here b/c you erased it just as I was clicking on it...

My parents have complete freedom to take my son places in their vehicle b/c the deliberately purchased new vehicles with the LATCH in them when they became grandparents, took a class on how to install the carseats and are more over-protective than we are! When they visit us, we "swap" cars so that they have my SUV with the seat in it. When we are in FL with them, the carseat goes with the child... whichever car he's going to be in the most gets the seat and the rest of us rotate vehicles and figure it out.

My in-laws do not drive my son anywhere. My MIL truly believes that mothers today worry too much and does what she pleases when she has my son, so no carseat or "driving priviledges" for her! We made that decision after she fed him whole milk at 8 months old (despite us packing his bottles) b/c that's what she fed her kids and they are fine... after giving him a cupcake loaded with frosting.

Just because they are grandparents and raised us doesn't mean we have to just give them free reign!

The only POSSIBLE issue I could see here is if they were driving her around without a carseat? You don't mention this, but since you said they didn't tell you they were taking her anywhere, perhaps they didn't have a carseat for her? If that's not the issue, then I think you are seriously overreacting to this situation. That sounds perfectly normal and acceptable to me.

ETA - Just saw your so what happened, and the carseat was an issue. That would upset me without a doubt. But if they had a carseat, I'd be fine with them taking my child out for a couple hours, even if I did not have their specific itinerary.

Well, I'm completely w/ you on this one.
We have g-parents who get this freedom and g-parents who do not.
I (and DH too) would be extremely upset if my in-laws took our children out w/o telling us. They have car seat issues (amongst other issues).

So your solution...you can properly install the car seat, teach them how to properly secure your child and ask them to give you a good idea of their plans.
Or if they seem unwilling to adhere to your simple rules, then I guess they don't have special alone time...
It's just that simple.

Sounds like if DH is upset too there is probable cause to be upset-that is the case in our household as well.

I agree, you absolutely have the right to know where your children are. Maybe those that don't agree only have in-laws like my parents. ;)

my initial response is that you are overreating a bit here. These are the people that raised your husband into the man he is today....so really what are going to do that is going to be that bad. I don't feel like the grandparents should have to ask permission to "leave the premises". Anyway I agree with prior posters ask what plans are and always leave the car seat incase plans change.

First take a deep breathe. My in laws do things that make me crazy on a daily basis. Just remind your self that they probably wont intentionally hurt her and will try to keep her safe. Be honest and tell them that you are not comfortable with anyone but you or your husband taking her outside of the home and that if they want to do something not at home to make sure you are aware of it before they leave. If you dont want your child in the car with grandpa behind the wheel you need to make sure they know that. My inlaws are not allowed to drive with my kids in the car either, last year while I was pregnant & in the car, my m-i-l caused an accident with a semi because she wasnt paying attention and than tried to blame it on the truck driver even though she was clearly at fault. So we made it very clear that she isnt allowed to drive with the kids in the car, but I dont mind if she takes them for a walk in the stroller

The only grip I see you have is the car seat and yes that is a BIG one. I would be pissed for that reason not "they didn't call", they didn't ask permission". Its the car seat. I don't see them taking her to dinner and the park as them acting like she is "theirs". I see overreaction in this. I would handle it as "you don't have the proper protection (car seat) for her to be in the car riding around. She will not be in your car unless she has a car seat. If you can't follow that then you won't have her.

OK - I have to ask if there is a lot more going on here in terms of baggage and dynamics. I honestly don't see anything wrong with going to dinner and the playground. If I left my child with a family member, I would assume a certain level of comfort and independence in terms of what they could do with my child (he's 4). Dinner, yes. Park, yes. White water rafting, no. I'd expect them to ask about something out of the ordinary - like going to 6 flags or something, or a day trip, but not neighborhood stuff.

Re. driving - if one of the grandparents is an unsafe driver, then you need to lay down the law on that person and stick with it. But if the others are ok, then they need to do the driving. Make sure they have a car seat correctly installed, etc. The older generation didn't have car seats so they don't get as worried as we do. And I have to say, what if something had happened where they NEEDED to get somewhere and had to take your daughter - better to be prepared. And honestly, even if YOU are driving, you can't control the OTHER drivers on the road...

If you haven't already, you need to clarify what you're comfortable with, what the babysitting rules are, etc. And GET THEM the supplies they need to make YOU happy/comfortable when they care for your child. You can't control the entire world, and you can't put your kid in a bubble so you feel safe. It's not good for you or your child.

I do agree that they should have asked you first - but I bet then knew what the answer was going to be!!

Now, they took her out last night and all was fine. Doesn't that mean that they have gained some trust? And, I bet your daughter had a GREAT time with them.

My philosophy is when grandmas is around, she can do as she pleases. Cookies, speaical treats, TV. Fine (it's not often). That's what a grandparent/child relationship is all about.

Have a talk with them and see how you can CALMLY figure it out. Just think of all the NO KID moments you can have if they take her to dinner or a movie or playground. I'm jealous.

Edit - No car seat - BAD, BAD, BAD!!!!! How about sitting them down and explaining that and then making some rules. It's really not worth all of the anger. In a car seat she will be fine and having fun!

Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer. I didn't see "rude responses" on here. I see people who disagree with why you're flipping out. And your "so what happened" and reaction to YOUR question is ridiculous and petty. LAME.
I personally purchased carseats for my parents and I personally install the carseat in my sitter's car just in case there's an emergency. Say your child falls and hurts himself, or gets really ill. Saddling someone with your child and no way to HELP your child is foolhardy.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Not having a car seat is a problem. A big problem. If your FIL has a terrible driving record (hope it's not due to drinking) then that's a problem as well. From the tone of your question, you come across as an over-protective parent. And that's okay. That's your perogative. I am however, taken back by this statement: 'mind u they see their grandkid about 3-4x's a week...which I feel like is WAY to much!' Do you really feel that way? It does make it seem like you don't have the best relationship with your IL's.

My mother who doesn't get to see our girls that often will take them shopping or to the store or on errands if we need her to keep them. But she communicates that with me. But my mother recognizes that I'm too very protective of my children. My father drives a sports car so he's just sitting around until we return. Lol.

Again, I think you should simply communicate your concerns. And be mindful that they were adults/parents before you were blessed to be such. Give them the respect you'd want and try to see things from their perspective.

Good luck

If I would have answered before your update I would have agreed that you were overreacting. However your update clears that up and you have a valid reason for being upset and I would address the issue from that standpoint.

Overall when my children stay with my parents or my inlaws we make sure there is a car seat. Things come up. Emergencies. However if you were only leaving her for a few hours as you stated I don't see why they needed to do dinner and the park, maybe just the park (if they had a car seat) and they should have let you known before hand or when you got back (which they probably didn't want to do because they knew it was wrong without a car seat anyways). It wasn't like your daughter wasn't going to tell you.

Maybe they know how you feel about them driving your child around, but do they know why? May not help, but maybe they would be more understanding if they knew why and maybe they do know why. I am just trying to think of reasons that they would blatantly ignore your wishes.

I do not however feel that they took advantage of you. They just used extremely poor judgement.

Maybe next time write them down a list of do's and don'ts, so they can refer back to it. No you shouldn't have to, but if they will not listen and you still choose to let them watch your child, that may be necessary.

Well , looks like you don't get along well with your in laws. Dinner and playgroud sounds like fun to M.. Your kids might have enjoyed their company for sure. Grand parents pamper grand children to no end and kids LOVE all the attention they get. If you are not ok with this, please telll them not to take kids outside while you are not around. Or ask them what their plans are and tell them you would rather have kids spend time at home that evening. Also, I think it was your responsibilty to make sure they had a car seat available for emergencies. If you don't trust them to drive your kid around , you shouldn't be leaving him under their supervision where they have access to a car. Or make it clear to them that the kid should not be in the car when you are not around esp when they don't have a carseat. How would they know you are not ok with this when you have not communicated anything to them? And whatever they did was to keep your kid entertained and happy while he is with them. They love him. Yes you are the mom. You make all decisions, not them. So it was your responsibilty to let them know what they can or cannot do with the kid that evening. Esp have a carseat available for him while he is at their house. Tell them to use it only for emergencies. Please be sure to tell it in a nice way, so that you don't spoil all the fun for your kid. You just need to trust they will take good care of him. if not, hire a babysitter you can give orders to and trust them to follow your orders.