How to Avoid Fights with the Husband over the Baby

First you must both agree, you are both completely exhausted,
Snapping at each other.. Blaming others, it is all an excuse for the truth. Your baby is wearing you out.. That is what they do. They are dependent on you entirely. This is your life for now. Just embrace this and understand it. This will not last forever.

If your husband does not like your mom messing with his clothes, let him know you will just have her leave his things on the floor and HE can wash and dry them himself.

Mention to her not to offer him any food or not to prepare food for him. But in reality, remind your husband no one is forcing him to eat. (again, he is just exhausted).

I do not do well without sleep. I never have been good without a lot of sleep.

When our daughter was born, she came 3 weeks early. This meant for my job as a buyer, I was going to have to go on a buying trip for 10 days once I returned to work.. If she had come when expected.. I would have been able to skip that trip.. My husband was working at a TV station as a producer and director. He also worked long hours and was on call most of the time.

It was so hard for us to get up in the morning, get all of us ready and get through the day when our daughter was waking up at night. We would rush home, try to eat, clean up and prepare for the next day. If she did not sleep, we took turns who would wake up with her that night.

I learned that I heard her every peep. My husband had to be awakened.. He just was not tuned into her like I was.

After only a week back at work, I left for the trip. My husband was totally alone with our child all of those nights.. Guess what? They survived. It also proved to me, he could get up at night and take care of her.

You 2 need to get into a groove. It will take practice and it will change every few weeks, because your childs needs will change very quickly.

Here is how we got our child to sleep through the night for a long period of time.

When we got home we would throw together a meal for us. We tried to not have the tv blasting, no phones ringing.. we tried to not rile our child up or get her all excited, .

After dinner, we would take her for a walk in the stroller or carry her.. keeping her attention and keeping her awake, the whole time. Bring her home.

Give a her a nice really warm bath.. a good rub down to dry her off, give her a bottle and place her in the crib.. She was able to sleep until maybe a midnight or 1:00 am feeding..

If she woke up in the middle of the night we would keep her room as dark as possible. only a small night light. Not speaking to her, we change her diaper in a darkened room, burp her, change her diaper again if needed (still in this quiet darkened room) no conversations with her, and place her right back in her crib..

She usually did not wake up until 6:00 or 6:30.. then we would get her ready to go to the caregiver.

On the weekends, I let my husband sleep in on Sat mornings and he let me sleep in on Sundays. This was a tremendous help for us.

You must learn to speak with each other and use words like.
"I understand what you are saying." "I know you are tired, I am too, what can we do?" "I know you are frustrated."

Just hang in there. I promise you are not alone. We have all been there. Look at this as an adventure.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart..

It sounds like you all need some sleep.

Blaming Grandma isn't going to help, it's just what's convienent. When you are sleep deprived, you become short tempered and everything is everyone else's fault, 'don't they know!', ...

You don't mention what your evening routine is.
Who gets home first?
Who cooks dinner?
Who is on the night shift for baby?

For us, hubby needs a certain amount of sleep or he is a crab. So I was mostly on night shift. Which was fine, except for when baby wanted to be up all night, and then I would get mad and jealous of hubby sound asleep in the bed. On Friday nights, I would actually take a nap between dinner and bed, so that I would get some rest and hubby was on duty. Hubby would put the baby down, then when baby got up in the middle of the night, I would get up, hubby would sleep in, and then Sat. morning, I would sleep in for a bit while hubby got up. During the week was harder. I lived for Friday nights!

As for the parenting style, you should be close to the same page. Having drastically different styles is a recipe for stress as you are waiting and worrying every second about what rule you would have that he would let go. The one thing that is hard to learn, is to let go and to let your hubby parent, as he sees fit. Is he the happy go lucky parent because that is his nature, or becuase he'd rather be doing guy things and doesn't really pay attention to the baby. There is a difference. If it is the 2nd, you need to step up and be the primary nighttime caregiver, yes its unfair, but you need to be in control and know your baby is safe. that will also lesson your stress and worry.

As for some of hubby's comments about your mom, he's a grown man. He should be able to put his clothes in the hamper, keep the clean ones organized, and walk away from the table when he is done eating. no one can MAKE him eat something he doesn't want to.

You guys need some quality SLEEP.
Since Mom is so amazing & so willing, see if she'll take baby for the weekend, then you and hubs book a local hotel/ motel and don't plan to do much of anything except sleep and order in breakfast.
Go to the motel don't stay at home, because all the nagging honey dos, the laundry, the dishes, the clothes on the floor will bother you.

If you can't do the sleep, take up DRINK. Whether its a glass of wine, a cup of tea, a big beer, promise yourself that you will have a beverage, quietly with or without hubs when the day is through. It can be really restorative.

Unless his happy go lucky is dangerous, let it be. If his style annoys you and you can't bite your tongue, leave, or have them leave. An afternoon with daddy can be an awesome thing for all involved.

Take your mom out of the equation. She is a volunteer, she is doing this out of the goodness of her heart, she shouldn't be abused, or cause for marital strife. She can help in a grandma way, not in a nanny/ housekeeper way.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think what you mom is doing for you is amazing, however there is NO WAY my mom would ever listen to my children cry. I did sleep training when my kids were little and my mom said I was CRUEL for doing it lol!! My brother and I co slept with her forever, my father hated it and trust me we knew it. It wasn't for me, but that was my choice. My mother and I have completely different parenting styles, and although my children loved her and she loved watching them, (because they slept great lol) I'm not sure her being with them all the time would have worked for me. If my kids wanted my mother to swing from the ceiling she would have. That's what grandma's do. Have you considered putting him into a good childcare center.? They will have a routine, and also keep him stimulated and busy throughout the day. Not that grandma's love is not wonderful, but it seems your husband is resenting her being there. I don't know why but it does seem to be the case. Maybe he feels he doesn't have any input on parenting? He may not agree with things your mom is doing and is frustrated and feels he can't speak up. Just a guess. Anyway, I am a monster when I do not sleep so I get it. When you say you did sleep training did you do if for at least a week? I agree with everything Laurie A said, great advice. Good luck!!! Sorry your going through this.

Do you think your husband is stressed about something else, maybe something at work, and it's easier for him to get upset about these issues? My husband does that sometimes. Complains about things that are fairly insignificant and later admits that he was just grouchy because of something at work or something with his friends.

A date night might really help. Or even a weekend away as a family. Maybe you could both take a day or two off and go out of town. It really sounds like you need sometime to reconnect.

And FYI, neither of my boys truly slept through the night until they were 2 or 2 1/2. Both co-slept until they were abou 16 or 17 months. After that they would often come into our bed in the middle of the night. Not saying you need to co-sleep. What you need to do is try a couple of things and find something that works. At this age you don't really need to worry about creating a bad habit or anything. Just do what works!

Same thing happened to hubby & I. It caused a big rift between us. It will
if you let it. I was left to do everything. He'd be leaving for work & be
standing right next to me seeing me trying to juggle the baby while trying
to fix a bottle (breastmilk dried up at 6 wks & could not be
re-stimulated).
I had to find a way to deal w/my newfound lonely job. I heard my baby's
every move & every peep. What ensued was that I always got up w/the
baby. He only got up a few times. I quickly figured out that he was
oblivious to what a tiny infant required even though he had a child of his
own w/his first wife.
What I have learned in retrospect? You will get through this. A woman
is almost always more in tune w/her baby (hearing when she needs to
be fed, wakes up etc). Hubby will get more sleep now when the he
is an infant but will be more hands on later.
Try to sleep when your baby sleeps.
Maybe tell your mom that you appreciate what she does for you but that
she does not need to do his laundry. Just to leave his clothes where
they are.
Tell her kindly that doesn't need to make him food because he's on a diet.
Maybe tell her to exactly what you do for the sleep training & ask her if she can at all do the same thing when she watches him.
Know that this stage will end soon. Try to just get through it.
Tell hubby "let's not analyze things. That only makes it worse.".
When you're home w/the baby, rest when your child sleeps.
Let a lot of the housework go. Clean only topically & what is necessary.
While you are more routine & hubby is happy go lucky, try to find a happy
medium. Try to let go when you can, try to appreciate when he DOES
do something to help, ask him for help when you need it as he will not
know nor be able to read your mind, mention to your husband "while my
mom isn't going to do things like we do, we need to be thankful she is
able to take care of our baby. We are lucky.".
Don't put away his clothes. Mine leaves his stuff all over. I have gotten
in trouble for putting his shoes away where they belong. I try to leave it
for the most part. Sometimes I can't stand it.
Try to find a way to meet in the middle w/your husband. Know that most
likely neither one of you have "the right way". Maybe there is some
validity to how you both do it. Both ways are good. Take some from
each.
Know that you will get through this stage. Then another one will come &
you'll get through that stage. Vent to your girlfriends & hang in there.
I like what Laura b. said, also.

Wow! This is exactly what happens to couples/people/parents when they have a baby. You two are earning your parenthood. When people w/out kids act like parenting is so easy or when first time moms assume it'll be a piece of cake I say "yeah ok". What's happening to you guys is completely normal and it will pass and get better. This is a test. Is your love for each other strong enough to survive? Parents can co exist with different styles you're different people (man & woman). Once you get some regular sleep it'll be better I think. Re: your mom he is going to have to compromise and chill out on the comments because it's your mom. I wish you two the best. If you really love each other you'll get through this together. Support each other. Are you intimate, hugging, kissing? Don't stop that stuff cause that'll make it easier to seperate which is NOT what you two need right now.

I would have a heart to heart discussion with DH about whether or not you should get a different daytime caregiver. It might make things a lot easier even though it would be more $$. It may also improve your relationship w/ your mom for her to just be the grandma, not the nanny. Things will get better as you get more sleep. You need to stop fighting about parenting styles. They don't need to be identical, you just need to agree that whoever is taking care of the baby at that time can do it however they feel is best. DH and I don't do everything the same way. But I work on the assumption that what he is trying is as likely to work as anything I might try. You might also want to divide up the night time care. When DS was little, if he woke before 2 am, it was DH's responsibility. If he woke after 2 am, it was mine. One last thought - you might look into a night time nanny.

Not getting quality sleep is HARD. It's really a form of torture and that coupled with a high stress job is a recipe for what you guys are experiencing. Doesn't sound like sleep training is working. That is VERY stressful, so drop it. Do whatever works and in most cases, that means co-sleeping. I think once you guys feel your best, this stuff will not irritate you. Also, I would look into food sensitivities for you little one and sensory issues. My son had a tough time sleeping. Removing dairy and addressing the sensory issues made a big difference.

I have 3 little ones 5, 3 & 1. The 1 year old hasn't been a great sleeper at all. With the older children, my husband has "sabbataged" their sleep time as I handed the bedtime responsibilities to him as I had another little one. My 3 year old will now stay awake until 10pm watching scooby doo with my husband when I used to lay him down at 8 and he would go to bed. He did the same with my 5 year old, just turned a movie on and she would stay up till 10 or so watching as he dosed off........ Now I have the 5 year old & 1 year old in my control and although it has taken some time with the 1 year old, I finally can put him in his crib (still with a bottle of milk that I take away if he doesn't finish before he goes to sleep) and he goes to sleep on his own. It was a long battle. He likes to be able to see me or even touch me so sometimes I sat next to the crib and held his hand. He would stand up, I would lay him back down and tell him he's a big boy (he's 17 months now). Sometimes I just tell him to lay back down and he will. He does usually wake between 2-4 and I bring him into my bed and give him a pacifier but it wouldn't take much work to get him back down in his crib - it's just me being lazy and not caring too much. Anyway, with all of the kids I've learned that if I have a problem, I need to lead the change and enforce it. I put the law down with sleep training with the others and it worked great. This baby is different though and so the process had to be different. He responds well if he can see me or touch me while the other 2 I could lay them down and leave the room....... A big area that has bothered me is that I get 2 kids to sleep and then sit in bed as he doses off with the 3 year old watching tv. A change will only happen if I enforce a different routine. That is a comin' as I've finally broken the baby and it's only a matter of a month or so until I can lay him down and leave then take over with the 3 year old......... It's not worth fighting over though. It's not fair that I always have to take the lead but he's a great dad. Maybe we (as women) are hardwired for this. He does follow through once I have things down but he just doesn't seem to know how to manage it otherwise. My advise, relax and go on a date, drink some wine enjoy some adult time without the baby. Then as the next weekend approaches, you take control of the process of sleep training. It's not fair but you can do it! When you're caught up on sleep everything will be better - just stick to it.