How to Deal with a Constantly Complaining,lazy 11 Year Old?

depression often looks exactly like laziness.

i'm appalled that any therapist would think that children who have undergone the trauma of being removed from their family and sent to foster, even in the best of circumstances, don't need some help in figuring out how to adjust. i think that's your first line of attack- get those kids back in counseling.

i'd also invest in some family counseling for everyone. all of you are struggling to deal with this very disruptive change, including your daughter. a safe place to both vent and acquire more tools for your tool box is vital.

have you and your SO sat down and hashed out a parenting philosophy? most don't, and it's often okay, but in your family's situation you need the structure and solid knowledge that you're both on the same page.

include your niece and nephew in discussions about how to move forward. you don't have to take all or any of their suggestions if they're silly, but kids tend to adhere to the rules better when they've had some input into making them. for example, ask your nephew what he thinks the consequence ought to be for not doing his chore. he might surprise you.

you've seen for yourself that just telling a kid that being positive beats negativity doesn't work. this child doesn't have the experience or reference points for that to make any sense to him. it IS good to explain things to children, but what sticks with them is what they live, not what they hear. and in your nephew's case what he's lived has not been positive. you're not going to reverse that in a short time frame.

you've taken on a lot, and i so commend you for it. don't tough this out alone- get a really really good family therapist and arm yourself with the tools you need to build a strong family unit that includes these shattered young ones.

khairete
S.

I think the "don't need counseling" decision was a poor one. No kids go through a change in custody without issues. It's very common for kids who feel unloved and unworthy to go ahead and prove they are unloved and unworthy by engineering some rejections and anger. Better to reject than be rejected, you know?

I think you can tie his privileges to his chores and attitude. I also think you could offer some flexibility, perhaps by giving a list of chores and letting kids choose from the list. After all, you don't really care who does what, as long as it gets done, right? At his age, he's looking for some control over his life and situation. You could organize the chores into "hard" and "easy" and have each child pick 2 from each list, or whatever you feel is fair.

I think you could give him some choice in activities too. If he hates the hiking, why make him go or stay home? Why not give each kid a weekend to choose an activity, and the 4th weekend is the adults' choice? Everyone agrees to go along with other choices (assuming safety and cost aren't a factor) in order to get their own choice. Again, you can work together to compile a list of what's "acceptable" and also allow for discussion as the months go along so that new things can be added.

I think you could change parenting techniques a bit - after al, if what you're doing isn't working, why not try something else? 1-2-3 Magic is one that a lot of moms on Mamapedia recommend, but there are others. The main thing is to find something you believe in and stick with it - but you can explain it to him at this age. He wants something from you - privileges, computer time, gaming, whatever. Figure out what it is, and work with that.

I do think family therapy is a good idea - this is a new family, and it wouldn't hurt to work out the kinks.

As Marda notes below, when DHS said no further counseling was needed they probably meant no further *free* (government-paid) counseling was needed! The situation did not fall within their boundaries of situations where they must provide counseling.

You should find a private therapist (paid for by your insurance or out of pocket). This boy has probably been through a lot.

I don't think you can deal with this in the same way you would with a kid who hasn't been through what your nephew has been through.

He's clearly having some difficulties.
While annoying and perhaps whining - the complaints are an attempt at some communication - which on some level is good.
If he shut down completely I'd be more worried about him.
In spite of the recommendation that he doesn't need more counseling - he needs it and for awhile - not just a few sessions.

When he complains - try not to take it personally.
It's more about what he's feeling and sort of like a toddler who hasn't figured out how to appropriately express himself.
Try to view it as a cry for help - he's venting - let him know he can come to you for this.
Sometimes I have to tell my husband that I'm mad - I'm not mad at him and he can't fix it - but I want him to listen to me, don't take it personally and it's nothing he should feel frustrated about.

It's interesting that nephew has the option of staying home from the hikes but goes anyway.
He wants to feel included - that action speaks louder than his complaints.
Try listening to him and acknowledging his feelings without offering solutions.
If he says he's hungry you say "I'm so sorry. I don't like feeling hungry either.".
If he says "That is an ugly rock" you tell him "You have a great eye for detail. I don't think anyone has ever seen that rock in quite that same way before.".
Also tell him that you are glad he decided to come along - you would miss him if he wasn't there.
Find his good qualities and tell him what you love about him.
Find something good to say about him every day.
It's not going to be easy.
It will certainly be a learning experience for you and take a lot of patience - but I think you have a shot at building a good connection with your nephew that will get him through his difficulties.

He sounds like a sad depressed child. Get him into individual counseling and yourself and SO into family counseling to help you deal with him. You are wonderful for taking these children into your home but professional care can help all of you.

It really doesn't sound that atypical for that age group. Some kids are lazy, some are complainers, some are both.

I'd tie the gaming to the chores. He has to "earn" his game time with getting his required chores done.

As far as the whining, I'd invest in 1-2-3 Magic to get that under control. We have a kiddo who is a terrible whiner and I did learn to tune a lot of it out - that just seemed to be his way of communicating to some degree. However, at the point it was affecting everyone else's time, we used 1-2-3 Magic to get it under control. When he was older (like 15), we had a code word I used when the whining got out of control because he really didn't see it sometimes. It allowed for a warning and time to turn it around before a consequence was enforced.

Finally, find a different therapist. One who understands foster parenting and kinship adoption situations. As an adoptive parent, you will find this is really important. Also find a therapist for yourself - someone who you can vent to without judgment.

Good luck!

I agree with everyone else with respect to the counseling. It sounds like both individual and family counseling are in order here.

There is a solution to the chores/Fortnite that doesn't require you to nag him. Turn off your internet access until all chores are done. If it's not done by the time you leave in the morning, then the internet stays off until you get home from work. Assuming the chores are done by then, you can turn it on. If not, internet access can stay off.

For the complaining, you have been responding to his complaints with talks about looking on the bright side or by telling him that his problem is not really a problem. This might be leading him to believe that no one is listening to him, because you are negating everything that he says. In response, he complains even more, desperately trying to get someone to really listen to him. He tries to tell you that he is unhappy, and you tell him that he's wrong to be unhappy. That is not going to work with a teen (or anyone really), ever. I highly suggest that you read the book "How to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk" by Adele Faber. It's an older book so you can find it in the library. If gives specific examples on how to respond to empower teens instead of making them feel like no one understands them.

I am thinking that you should re-think the don't need counseling. DHS may say you don't need it but you might ask your pediatrician for a list of other counselors and take him back...just to double check.

The rest of what you are describing sounds pretty typical for eleven. They only want to do what they want to do...don't always have huge lists of things they will eat...they complain a lot if they have to do something out of the norm for them.

You might try rewarding a whole hike on Sunday, without a complaint or maybe less than five complains the first time and less than three the second with more video game time. My son goes for a reward anytime over a consequence.

Or he could just be going through the elevens...I think at eleven they are all very contrary just because of the age. Good luck!! and big hugs!!

Who told you that they didn’t need more counseling...DHS or the therapist?
Sometimes in these situations they are evaluating for crisis intervention counseling, not therapy. There is a difference, and sometimes the governmental funding is for crisis counseling only and if that criteria is not met it cannot be funded.

However, I think it is in your best interest to email the caseworker and copy the therapist stating that since the initial assessment your nephew has been showing symptoms that may be depression (list constant negativity, lack of motivation, poor appetite) and that you would like him evaluated. If this doesn’t move fast enough, you can also contact the school system they will be entering.

You need to email this to start a paper trail. Copy yourself on it. Start to have a separate folder/binder for each child to keep all paperwork.

Let a professional decide what this acting out behavior is AND give you and your SO support and advice on the best way to handle it.

Not knowing what the kids have been exposed to, it sounds like the nephew is used to getting the negative attention.

Start to set limits with him by telling him.....
1) You get to call me 3x at work. After that I will not answer your calls.....
2) You get 3 complaints a day I can help you with..after that no one will listen or help you.
3) When he complains more then 3x tell him to a) rephrase that in a polite speaking voice, b) respond, ‘that’s awful..you can tell me about it again when you decide to solve it’ or c) emotionally and physically ignore it.

Over and over again. Calmly and patiently.

Let him go hungry at meal times, but nicely state...”I’m sad that you are CHOOSING not to eat with us, but you can make yourself xyz when YOU CHOOSE to want to take care of yourself “. Plain and simple (not upset or yelling). End of discussion.

He is getting a lot of attention refocused on him when he complains, and a lot of one on one time when you have to ‘show him how to do stuff’. Keep in mind this is an unconscious way to control the outside environment for someone who came from an environment that was completely out of their control (assuming). Help him feel empowered by being able to make choices and manage his behavior.

You need to find a way for him to see joy in life. When you go on your hikes point out interesting, unusual, or pretty things along the path.
Explain to him everyone needs to do chores even if they don't like it. Adults have to go to work every day, some days you would like to stay home but you can't. If everyone does their part in keeping the house clean, the yard work done, picking up after themselves in public places we have a better and healthier world to live in.
He may be addicted to playing games. So I would limit how much time he can play. Get him involved in an activity, baseball, football, martial arts, playing a musical instrument, art etc. It might take a few tries for you to find the activity he enjoys. The goal is to get him out of the house, make friends, and find happiness.
About the food issues. I think he is using this as a control measure. As a parent we all get upset if kids don't eat but they will not starve. When they get hungry they will eat. I would never make a special meal for my kids or grandkids. I made one meal and everyone ate what I made or went hungry. I never had picky eaters. Don't fight it or raise your voice, Tommy this is our dinner tonight. You don't have to eat all of it but you do need to try a little bit of everything. END of discussion. He can't go to his room or leave the table. If he won't eat he has to sit quietly and be polite. When he sees you are not catering to his whims he will eat.

Sounds like a lazy therapist. I would find a different one!
In the mean time I would head over to the library and see if there are any books that can help.
I would also keep a journal listing food, mood, weather, and anything else pertaining to the issues your facing with him and after a few weeks you may see a pattern relating his nutrition and attitude. Or you might not, but it's a good thing to have on hand when searching for a better therapist and to help his pediatrician rule out a health issue as a csuse