So I have this problem I am unsure how to handle. My sister and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship, but somehow we seem to get to the point of getting along fairly well, for a while that is. Then something I say or do pisses her off to the extreme that she blows up at me, blocks me on her facebook, and completely cuts me out of her life. It's not like I go around saying offensive things either. In fact, my family and I often feel the need to walk on eggshells around her much of the time. The latest was when I was Skyping with her and her baby boy today, she flipped out when I said something along the lines of "Oh I see he he still has his little birthmark on his forehead...it's so adorable!" Apparently, that was very offensive to her. She rolled her eyes and started muttering under her breath and then just said she had to go and hung up on me. She then proceeded to block me on her facebook too. This type of behavior of hers has been a pattern over ther years, and now that she has a baby, it's like she uses him to control me and sometimes others in our family. It's very sad. I love my nephew so very much and want to have a normal sisterly relationship, but I can't let this pattern continue. When I just ignore her games, she eventually always comes back around and tries to be my sister again and I am dumb enough to let her, but my husband says I need to stop letting her and keep her at a distance even though it means I won't be able to be close to my nephew and she will miss out on our soon-to-be born daughter. It's so sad. How do I find a balance? Do I never talk to her again, do I just keep her at a distance, or do I try to make things better with her? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks ladies!
It's just a little red spot on his forehead and it really is endearing I think. He is seriously one of the cutest babies ever. I didn't mean it in a mean way at all. Okay it was dumb to say it all, I admit that. One of those comments that came out totally wrong. Mouth moved before brain intervened. However, it's not like these are types of things that are normally the problem. When she was getting really rude to me and her friends around the time of her wedding, I told I would not be disrespected and so she kicked me out of her wedding just for that and then later came crawling back to apologize. It is like this often. My parents deal with the same stuff with her.
Thank so much ladies. I am going to check out that book and probably share with my mom too who has a hard time knowing how to deal with her as well. We worry about making her mad, but we are tired of it. She is very controlling and now she uses her son to try and control us. It has to stop. Now that I am about to be a mom, I need to learn to set healthy boundaries with her because I want to do what is best for me and my daughter. We have thought many time she has bipolar or something like that. She of course would never admit to needing any kind of treatment. I'm done being emotionally manipulated. I used to have a roommate like this and I got out of that situation. It's much harder when it's a family member.
She has since told me I insulted her and that she's freaked out about the mark on his forehead and I just added fuel to her worries and it pissed her off. Of course, I know very well I could sincerely apologize til I was blue in the face and she would still hold a grudge for months or even years. Never mind all the overtly offensive things she has said to me over the years that I have forgiven. She still won't talk to my cousins a year and a half after a disagreement with them. I just told her that until she can own up to her part in these problems we continue to have, I am keeping my distance.
She needs a psych eval.
Sounds like she has some mental illness bi-polar, springs to mind. She needs to be evaluated and medicated.
Yes, you can cut her out of your life but you have another option. Learn how to not let her outbursts and cutting you out of her life temporarily upset you. Learn to say "oh, that's just my sister. She'll get over it and come back around." And then in the meantime pay no attention to what she does or doesn't do. I've done that with difficult people and tho it's difficult at first to change the way I think it's worked out fine.
OneandDone and JC:
My 1 year old has a huge red birthmark on her forehead. Somedays it's *really* there. Other days it's faded. I would *never* be offended if someone mentioned it! It's a part of her. I'd rather someone say it was cute than ugly.
T.:
Your sister sounds unhinged. I know the feeling. My mom is the same way. It leaves you stunned and asking yourself what you did wrong. Just remember that you did *nothing* wrong. I personally would stop friending her on Fb. Just talk to her occasionally on the phone and ask for auntie outtings with the nephew.
I definitely have been in this situation with my own sister before. What I did was while yes I allowed her to friend me on FB again after she had blocked both me and my husband and I do comment occasionally on pictures I've left the all out communication up to her because she doesn't respond to either my comments or questions on FB or through email. My sister sounds very similar to yours, not sure of your sister's age but mine is in her 30s. I have two nieces that I do not get to be a part of their lives due to her immaturity. I would say to leave any contact up to your sister and for you to cease all direct contact with her because in the end you're the one who is going to keep getting either hurt or annoyed by her behavior. I've figured that out in my own case at least. I wish you the best with your sister and figuring things out.
It's most likely a mental illness. Borderline personality disorder. One of the most popular books about this illness is called "Stop walking on Eggshells". Sound famillar?
It's also called Emotional Disregulation. They have no thermostat on their emotions so a normal goof for somebody else feels like something huge enough to be a deal breaker for them. And then they act according to that feeling. Whatever they do to you they feel justified. Just imagine the word DRAMA and they spring to your mind.
Look on the website BPDfamily.com and check out the symptoms and lessons on boundaries. Boundaries are for your sanity and protection.
Many family members end up with NC or LC. No contact or low contact.
There are communication techniques also. My H uses Medium Chill when talking to his mom.
We weren't told about this, we stumbled upon our answer. I will never let someone hang out there with no answer. I maybe wrong but I don't think so. Good Luck.
Good gravy -- your sister and mine sound very, very similar. I'll be interested to read your responses. But one thing I've learned about my sister is she is an equal opportunity controller and the qualities I used to admire in her are the ones that now I've matured to see are rather awful -- she always seemed so in charge and confident, but that has translated into controlling and condescending. And she married another controlling, condescending person who has made her even more so. She says awful things to me about every member of my family and all her daughters' friends, so I'm quite sure she says awful things about me to everyone, too. Knowing that is a little empowering, to know it's not me, it's her. And everyone has had problems with her at one point or another.
I don't know if you're a little sister, but I am and that role has never and will never change. So I just fall back on the knowledge that she's bat sh*t crazy and I'm not like her because I've learned that's not the right way to be. Helps me to shrug her craziness off and just enjoy what I can with her when her meds (if only she was taking any) work.
You and I have the same sister.
You cannot say hello to her, without her thinking you told her to go to hell.
Egg shells exactly what we go through with her.
My father and I even went to a therapy session with her to her therapist.. This is when I realized, the girl just ain't right. She has made up a life story about all of us, that is so unlike the truth... Amazing..
I think the therapist realized... My sister is a narcissist.
My sister thinks the world is here to serve her, and if we do not read her mind,we cannot be a part of it. None of us can make her happy.
But ignore her and oh boy ,all hell breaks loose. At this point, the only person she speaks to is our mom.. And even she says my sister has major issues. My mom says when she sees my sisters number, she knows my sister needs or wants something..
She is never happy. Never.
The therapist told me to stand up to my sister and tell her, " I do not like how you speak to me.
You are not allowed to treat me this way."
And so I did this and boy did my sister keep her distance from me...
I like it. My niece has now been brainwashed against all of us,but she is a smart cookie, now that she is getting older, she is starting to catch on. If my sister did not have her rich boyfriend... Off and on, she would not have any friends.
My nephew is about to graduate from high school and move away for college, he as told me "aunt L., I know all about my mom,and know the truth about you." "Do not worry, we are all good." He is a smart kid..
They are in survival mode... Terrible way for the to live...
The birthmark remark was so not a big deal. My sister used to tease my son about his green bottom. Your sister is the one who is losing. You seem like the gem.
I have never seen a birth mark I thought was adorable. If they don't go away on their own, many people will pay to have laser treatment to remove them. She has probably even discussed this with her son's doctor. If these are the type of "compliments" you give to your sister, I can understand why she gets offended. Perhaps you should apologize.
I had to put my sister at a distance. She constantly complains about everyone in the family. She can be selfish and self-centered. She takes offense where none is meant while being intentionally offensive herself. For my own sanity, I stopped trying to push a closer relationship. As others have mentioned, I let her decide when she wants to communicate with me, and I try not to take her disappointing behavior personally.
If I were you, I would let her keep coming back but I'd try to emotionally distance yourself from her. Stop walking on eggshells around her. Just be yourself, so at least you won't feel that extra bit more frustrated that you tried so hard and she still got mad. Don't let her yell at you, but don't be all that offended when she blocks you on FB. You know she'll always come back around.
I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. As you said, she's like this with everyone, so it's obviously not you. It would be a shame not to be close to your nephew. It's such fun to see one's kids with their cousins. And he'll probably need a cool aunt to go to for support as he grows up, because it sounds like his mom is slightly nuts.
Family...got a love 'em. I have a similar situation. I just ride the tide and don't let their weirdnesses bother me. When she comes around, enjoy your nephew. It IS a balancing act. She's not destructive, just weird so I'd just go with it but DON'T let it bother you. Congrats on your soon-to-be born daughter...! :)
I can certainly relate. My situation isn't exactly like yours, but I've had difficult relationships with my siblings because our spouses don't get along and it's created some problems. What I basically had to do was realize that I can't have the relationship that I had hoped for with them. But that doesn't mean I have no relationship, I just had to shift my expectations.
I appreciate when things are good, and distance myself when they aren't. So with you, I think it's fine to enjoy a relationship with her when things are fine, and get to know your nephew, and then when things go bad, just let her know that you don't enjoy being berated and to get in touch with you when she's calm. This way you are not walking on eggshells, letting her know what you won't accept, and still there waiting when she comes back. It will be a very different feel for you to be more in control this way.
And maybe she does and maybe she doesn't have a mood or personality disorder. I would never diagnose someone I read one paragraph about. Please don't start looking through a mental illness lens at your sister. So harmful. If it helps to read some books on the subject, fine, you may get tips for dealing with difficult relationships regardless. But unless and until she is evaluated by a professional, don't convince yourself she is ill, this will do more harm than good to your relationship.
Well, sounds like she overreacted, but for future reference, you kind if dont comment on birthmarks, etc. ("still" has his birthmark? Uh--it's a birthmark.)
I suspect after you deliver your baby you two might find a lottery in common!
Good luck.
