How to Deal with a Winey 4 Year Old "Step" Daughter?

Let's see....she's 4. She has a mom who has to be made to see her. She has a mom's boyfriend in a dangerous situation and she has a dad who will not discipline her firmly and with love. She has a "dad's girlfriend" who likes her just fine...as long as she's good, and actually, likes her relationship better when the kid's not around. Poor kid. The odds are already against her and she's only 4.
I'm not trying to be snarky here, but this guy has a child which should be (always) his main priority--not you. You need to get used to the idea that you are going to be the second woman in his life for awhile. If he DOESN'T feel like that, you need to question his character. Don't try to play mommy or play house. Once (and IF) you marry this guy, you will have a little more say in the actions of HIS daughter. Good luck.
Don't make things worse by adding another kid to this mess.

If it makes you feel any better, I have a whiney 6 1/2 year old without all the other complications. This past week we are trying something new. When she whines, we tickle her. Is sounds crazy, but it's a fun way to point out to her when she's whining and defuse the situation (before I get frustrated & raise my voice or she continues to whine). We are also tickling my son when he uses baby talk (he is 9 & still does it).

I know it may be a little different, but so far it's working for us! Good luck!

Dear J.,

I cannot speak to the step-child issue BUT I can speak to the "4 year old whining". Both my son and daughter went through similar issues as you said at 4. I infact feel that 4 years is much worse than 2 years. Both had baby talk, tantrums, whining, and the beginning of "an attitude". With my children I found a combination of things worked: ignore the small annoying behaviors, we would say we did not understand them when they spoke like a baby and asked them to talk like a big 4 year old, tantrums we continued to ignore and told them they will never get what they want when they throw a tantrum (if a tantrum became destructive or a huge disturbance -we removed them to the safety of their room and any resulting destruction they would be responsible for cleaning-up and returning to an orderly state. If they ask kindly for my help, I would help clean), I remind them of all the things a big 4 year old can do that a baby cannot (swing, bike ride, eat ice cream, have chocolate, stay-up later, play games), and I would encourage and applaud good choices with words, play, stories, treats, and verbal praise with hugs.

4 was also when my children both started choosing one parent over another and then switching this clinginess after a week or so (and yes, I found it hard not to be emotionally hurt as did my spouse). Also, in my humble opinion, by 2 years of age I believe most children start learning the "art of manipulation" and All children become demanding. It is their nature to be demanding as most things they still cannot do for themselves (food, bathing, going somewhere) so this translates to them demanding EVERYTHING! I try to begin the teaching of kind words & actions to achieve what you want. Also ask for something directly, don't whine & don't manipulate. My good friend would reward her children (and I learned to say it as well) by saying, "when you make good choices, good things happen".

It is hard; hard not to be emotionally hurt, hard not to loose your patience, hard not to get resentful. For a big part of 4 years old I did not like my daughter- I always love her and tell her so all the time but I did not like her behavior. But I am happy to say it passes. And I don't know why but my now 4 yr old son does not seem to have these issues AS bad- there still happening but not to the level of my daughter. I also know I am harder on my daughter and try to be aware of this when I view her behavior and sometimes I know I need to back-off a bit and give her space and not view her under a microscope all the time.

Don't give-up if it means enough to you BUT do communicate with your boyfriend about your feelings and what he expects of you and what you need from him as support (your step-daughter's respect, kindness, etc.). Even though she is not yours biologically, you are her father's partner and deserve the same respect and kindness you show her when she is in your home.

It does get better and she can learn that her behavior directly relates to her getting the things she wants sometimes and the things she needs all the time.

Fondly,
ann m.

Here is your number one problem: Your boyfriend. You shouldn't doubt having kids because of his daughter. She is only acting exactly how she should should act with parents like this. MIA King Kong mom who babies her and tarts her up all at once, and and just as bad: a part time dad who caves in when she needs discipline for tantrums and whining and manipulating and saying mean things to you.

Of course you get along fine with him when it's just the two of you. Life is easy then. But the reality is that he has a daughter and a horrid ex wife who isn't going to vanish, and he's not a great dad, so the daughter isn't going to improve. She will grow out of this, and into worse things. The tiny possibility that this isn't true, is only a tiny possibility. The odds are WAY against you. If you think you want a life and kids with him, you already have a preview which is something most people aren't lucky enough to have.

You will never have any power over this terrible situation with his daughter. She is not your daughter. It will not get better.

Granted, your situation won't be AS bad as with this child if you guys stay together and have a family, because you are not as bad as her mom. But it will be you doing all the work to raise your children properly, you already know he is weak in dealing with his ex and his daughter.

Don't deprive yourself of kids just because he may not be the right father. 3 1/2 years of your time is not long as far as feeling invested. Believe it or not, the older you get, you'll see. I think you can do much better, you obviously have a great head on your shoulders. But love is blind and I wish you the best future whatever you choose.

I feel for you J., and I have to agree with some of the other responders that the person who really needs to take action is your boyfriend. I think the child's behavior is to be expected for any four-year-old going through this kind of situation. Is counseling an option at all? I think that everyone here could benefit from it. There are also some great parenting classes that your boyfriend and his ex should consider. Even watching the nanny shows on TV might give him some good tips to try. In the meantime, I think that if I was in your same situation I'd have to bow out of any "family" activities until your boyfriend aggressively takes steps to turn things around. You simply don't need to be the one to try and make things right with his past.

Here are some thoughts . . . they are based on what you wrote (I am not trying to judge, but I do offer some of my opinions) . . .

Do you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him? It concerns me to read "so much invested" which is not the right reason to stay in the relationship. IMO, if he is the one for you, then you need to be willing to commit to him and his daughter. With so much instability in her life, it is not surprising that she isn't sure who is with her for the long haul . . .

Have you talked to him about what he wants for his daughter? If he wants to be more firm with her, then ask how you can help him to develop clear guidelines for her and to stick to his guns. If he is fine with the status quo, then decide if you can be too. IMO, your role is to help him to do what's best for his daughter, but it is his decision in the end.

Are you able to separate your feelings for the mother from your feelings for the little girl? At 4 years old, she is "manipulative and demanding" by nature. This is a transitional age for all kids. In her case, it is compounded by all the upheaval in her life, which leaves her feeling vulnerable. Children need to know that they are loved, cared for, and safe at all times. Without this, she will act out in any way that will help her to get attention. Try looking at the world from her eyes (There are several books out there that help to understand child development and how ego-centric all children are at this age. This doesn't mean that she has a big ego, but her whole world revolves around her and what reactions are caused by her actions), and a little whining isn't really surprising at all.

Sorry this is so long winded . . . good luck with sorting through your feelings and theirs. Rasing a child is hard work - all the more so when you aren't her primary parent, and there are many opinions involved. The only way to maintain sanity is to make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page . . .

Hi. I agree with the moms, but I just wanted to clarify something. If you and her dad start standing up to her, she won't change immediately. It might get worse even. But you just have to get through it. She is acting how she has been taught to. Now you have to teach her something new. Brace yourself, and don't start until you know that you can expect the same from your bf--you don't want to start fighting about this once it is underway.
Also, all these moms are right about the pain in this poor girl's life. Just remember that all anger comes from fear or pain. When she is angry, try to think of her as being afraid (afraid of change, even if it is for the better), or hurt.
You might even want to come up with some affirmations for yourself. Little "mantras" you can say to yourself when you are about to lose it.
Good luck. You are facing a daunting task, but just think if you can pull it off!

Why doesn't her father discipline her. Not to be rude but if I had this going on in my life and a mom like that and I was 4 year old I would act like this too. She will probably get worse as she gets older and can understand what's going on. Have you guys considered therapy for her? This has got to be messing with her head.

Sounds like a tough situation. I think the best thing to do would be first talk to your BF about behavioral expectations and then be consistent. If she runs to him when you are "mean" he has to support you and be on the same page. When she realizes that you are united and she won't win, her attitude may begin to change. It might really suck for a while, but it's worth it for a change in her behavior. Good Luck.

This is tough, but the real problem here is with your boyfriend. He's the dad & he needs to step up and lay down the law for when she's with you. You're not the parent, & it's not your role. He needs to be strict & consistant with her or she will not respond. His giving in is making the situation worse. Young kids need rules & consisancy. Since she's had none with Mom, she's looking to Dad to give her that. He needs to be the grown up and deal with he complaining for a while. If he's consistant, it'll get better. If he gives in, you'll both be facing more of the same. By his giving in, he's been teaching her that by being whiny she gets what she wants eventually.
You, however, need to stay out of it. You are not the Mom, & its not your place to be the disciplinarian. If he is waiting for you to do the hard work, in my opinion, that would be a deal breaker.
Good Luck!

With kids her age consistancy is key!!! If her dad just "gives in" then she doesn't know what she is going to get each time. Kids want consistancy. They crave discipline!! They need to know that there is SOMEONE in charge. If they don't know who is in charge they lose thier sense of security! It is so important that you and your boyfriend get on the same page and be strong for each other and more importantly for your step daughter. The older she gets and the more control you lose with her the worse the situation is going to get. Be strong! Don't ever argue with your boyfriend in front of her, give her a loving secure environment when she is with you. Discuss how you will deal with issues that might arise in advance with her dad so that you both are working with and not against each other. Most importantly never ever talk down about her mother (whom you obviously dislike) in front of her!!!
I know I just typed a bunch of thoughts that aren't really sorted out, but I'm in a rush and just wanted to respond really quick.
Lastly, I like to advise you to pray. Pray for strength and guidance each and every day.
God Bless,
T.

Hi J.,

Have you all thought about doing a Family Group Decision Making (FGDM) Conference to implement a plan of action that will help the family get back on track?

1-###-###-####

Sit down with your daughter and ask her about what it is she needs. Incorporate what she says and together set down some rules and then the consequences. You can ask her what some consequences could be for her. Of course, you have the final say.

Hope this helps. D.

I would just like to say that I am in the same situation.. YOU JUST TOLD MY STORY!! I could have just wrote it. Except for the part that I do have a 8 month old little boy with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and are having problems with his 4 year old daughter. She also tells me she doesnt like me and I am not her Mommy. She however doesnt have a problem with acting like a baby. But acting as if she runs the house, talking back, not listening AT ALL! Everything you would expect from a toddler but on a differnt scale she has moments where she reminds me of a teenager acting out. Her daddy doesnt punish her.. but I DO I have son in the picture and I will not tolerate him acting like her. This only brushes the surface with this child. And my only thought it what happens as the years go on. She will only get worse for sure she will get stronger have more words to use and so much more. She starts school in a little less than two years and I see this as being a big hurtle because most likly she will stay with us to go to school. I would love to talk to you more about this and maybe we could put our heads together and come up with a plan of action since we are both in the same boat. I have reached out for others for support and advice but no one understand the situation till you are in the middle

You should talk to your boyfriend about setting rules, consequences and STICK TO THEM. Consistency is the key with children of all ages. It's not easy, but it does work. The first few weeks will be the worst until she learns you and he mean what you say. You may need to re-establish the rules after a visit with Mom, but it's my experience that kids know who expects them to follow the rules and who doesn't, and act accordingly.

Good luck with this tough situation.

You are a wonderful person to care so much about your boyfriend's daughter. I know women who say "that's his kid, it's his problem" and would have left the relationship already. The fact that you want to stay in this relationship and help the child should make your boyfriend feel extremely blessed.

Part of what the child is doing is normal behavior for her age. Responsible parents set boundaries, and normal kids test them. Parents are firm and the child learns how to behave. If they are not firm, then the child gets worse and worse and it gets harder and harder to make them behave.

Some of it is because of the stressful situation she is in. She may not be old enough to understand what is going on, but she sure feels it. Her mother sounds very immature, and is probably encouraging her daughter to treat you this way.

This child needs a loving, stable atmosphere, and part of the stability is rules and consequences, no matter how unfun that sounds. The consequences needn't be harsh, just something she won't like, so she will stop her behavior. Be sure to show her lots of love and affection also.

You need to have a serious talk ASAP with your boyfriend. Let him know how the little girl's behavior is damaging to herself and how stressful this situation is to you, and that he needs to help you to plan how to handle it. Guys can be really unperceptive and you have to spell things out for them. Don't assume he knows how much this bothers you. Agree on what and what is not acceptable behavior, what the consequences will be, and make sure that he is going to be firm and not give in. Little girls have an amazing talent for getting around daddy. I know, I have four! But this child is his, and if he doesn't want her to grow up like her mother, he needs to take steps now to prevent it.

Do you ever do fun, age appropriate activities alone with the child? Maybe you could and that would help you bond with her.

If after talking with your boyfriend and giving the situation some time to resolve, nothing gets better, you need to seriously consider whether your relationship should come to an end. Maybe he is not the right man for you.

RUN to your local library and ask for the "Love and Logic" dvds and books. They are PERFECT for this little girl, and you will see an overnight improvement...trust me, you will almost look FORWARD to her acting up! Someone on here told me about them and I am HOOKED....I spent the afternoon yesterday watching Dr. Fey and LMAO...GREAT techniques!

p.s I also totally agree with Amy J

J.,
I have not read all of the responses, but I would like to say that this is a difficult situation. I applaud you for being transparent and seeking advice on this site, which is not always the best for support. Too many people respond out of their own pain and not objectively.

As a stepmother in a very difficult situation myself, I can tell you that the situation will not improve until all parties involved change. I know that you have invested a lot, but you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to deal with this until this child becomes of age to take of herself and move out on her own. The main thing is to ensure that you and your boyfriend are on the same page concerning the rules of the house. If he keeps giving in, then you look like the bad guy and her resentment towards you is going to grow and it will become worse as she gets older. I am in the same situation where the mother allows the child to break all the rules and structure that we set at home.

Unless the mother changes, the daughter is going to continue to use her against the two of you. It will get worse as she gets older. Mothers are never wrong in the eyesight of children even if they aren't very good mothers. You have to prepare yourself for a thankless job. If you feel that you can't deal with this, then it is okay to walk away. Blending families is already a difficult task. It is even more complicated when the adults involved are not able to work together for the good of the children.

In addition, your stepdaughter is looking for love. She seldom sees her mom, so she is not going to act out with her, because she doesn't want to drive her away. Unfortunately, your home is the most stable environment, so she feels "safe" to express all her negative feelings. I wish you all the best.

deep breaths

she is 4 years old and with her own mom in and out of her life, she having problems with dealing with it all. At her age she should be and yes acting out on the person who probably is the closest to her, unconditional love remember.

Might want to have her see a therapist to help her deal with it all.

Don't talk what her mom down to her, just document what she does and take pictures and deal with the judge then.

It seems this child has caught on really quick - they all try to see what they can do and get away with - this one a little more due to the situation. It seems your boyfriend is very understanding - you need him to be tough and stick with the discipline just like you. If she whines, talks baby talk, etc. tell her that is not allowed in your house - it is inappropriate behavior and she is not allowed to do it - then follow with the punishment (maybe time out chair for a little?) The trick is to be consistent and not give in - the first couple days will be very rough, but I believe she will catch on. It is your home, and you should love to be there - not under stress there all the time because of the way she acts.