Playing Favorites with the Kids

He's a normal person. And he's not giving her attention for misbehaving. This isn't bad parenting. I don't give the kids a lot of attention when they're being bad.

Also, these aren't his kids. He might never bond with them like you want. He will act differently towards his own children some day too. It's hard when you have a blended family.

Your priority is your children. Your job is being their mother.

If your boyfriend isn't treating your daughter appropriately and kindly, then you have two choices. Take parenting classes with him. Or, end the relationship. Completely.

We do not ignore our children when they act out, throw tantrums, or speak rudely. We don't turn our backs when our kids go through normal (though unacceptable and often quite exhausting) phases.

Instead, we parent. We teach. We discipline, which means we set boundaries and standards, and model appropriate behavior and responses to situations. And we punish, appropriately. Not in anger. Not with outrageous punishments, but with clear, calm, sensible consequences. If your child is throwing a tantrum, you remove her to a safe quiet place and don't respond to her tantrum. When she calms down, you speak to her quietly at eye level. If she talks to you in a rude or impolite way, you don't respond until she says something polite. You teach her how to speak to adults and other children, and if she can't control her language, she won't be allowed to have a friend over or go to a friend's house, or to the playground, until she learns to speak politely. And if you live with a partner, he must agree with your parenting rules. He can't make his own decision to ignore one kid due to a tantrum or fresh talk.

If your boyfriend is not willing to treat your child kindly and fairly when she pitches a four-year-old tantrum, what happens down the road when she acts out like most 13 year old girls will? You need a mature person in your relationship who's willing to either step out or get out. You're not a 16 year old girl. You're a MOTHER. Be one.

Get out and get out now. Any guy that favorites a child because their behavior is better (or disfavors a child for unlovely behavior) is not worth your time. What kind of guy does that, anyways? Yikes! Keep in mind, that the "fresh" attitudes are just at the beginning . . . what about when they are 11 and 13? Is he going to withhold his attention and affection because they are both mouthy brats? Does he understand that this will get worse and not better and that is what parenting is all about?

Run, run like hell. If you don't you will be one of the moms on this board in 10 years who stayed with the crappy boyfriend, who treated their kids crappy, and wonders why their kid took off, on drugs, after beating the neighbor up and looting their home at 15. Just remember, if he treats them poorly, they won't hate him, they will hate YOU. You are the one who is suppose to protect them.

Good luck . . .

Read Elena B's response. Now read it again.

You don't pay attention to a child having a tantrum but you make it clear that it's related to the behavior. When the behavior stops, you welcome the child back to whatever is going on. Your boyfriend is either too immature or too inexperienced to understand this, and you don't say a thing about how you are disciplining the tantrum-thrower. You must intervene immediately but calmly and consistently.

Maybe this behavior is due to preschool, and maybe it's due to the presence of your boyfriend, or maybe something else entirely or a combination. Maybe he was "great" with your girls because he didn't live there and could get away from them. Now he can't, and i seems he can't handle it. I think you both should take parenting classes - you to learn how to deal with a "phase" (because it's going to be permanent if you don't) and he needs to learn more about how rejection is damaging to children. What worries me the most is that you say he doesn't have patience. Why in the world would he move in with a woman with 2 young children if he's impatient? And why would you let him? You are the parent, and you must put your children first. That doesn't mean that they get away with bad behavior, but it does mean that you develop a mature, consistent, and lovingly firm parenting philosophy.

Added: Gamma makes a good point. I can't tell really what you mean about he doesn't have patience for her (do you mean in general or when she's throwing tantrums and being fresh - what does that mean, being fresh?)
I have friends who have kids who are kind of bratty and I'll be honest, I prefer to visit them when their kids are not home. Sometimes it's a phase and sometimes it's parenting. The thing is though - I'm visiting their mom, I'm not moving in with them.

Maybe clarify so we can understand better.
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I agree with Elena. That's how we handled tantrums, etc. I still handle my kids like that when they are tired and cranky. I don't respond to rudeness - I respond when they are respectful. But a four year who is likely tired from preschool (you say this is a new phase since starting there), and likely is still adjusting to your boyfriend now living with you ... she's acting out and you have to have firm rules and consequences. It's not about showing favoritism. It's about you parenting, and him supporting your parenting. You come with kids - plain and simple. He doesn't get to ignore that fact when one of them is acting up. I don't get that.

To me that's a huge red flag. It will only get worse.

How long has this boyfriend been a part of your lives?

I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't know how to parent a tantrum throwing fresh? mouthed 4 yr old and it sounds like you are taken aback a bit by it too.
You handle the phase with your 4 yr old by sending her to her room when she pitches a fit or when she mouths off.
You let her know in no uncertain terms what behavior and language will not be tolerated.
It's not up to the adults tolerate bad behavior and hope it goes away on its own.
Kids bring home all sorts of bad habits from school - you tell her you don't care if anyone in class acts like that - it's not what you do in your home.
It also helps to take away any tv shows that models the bad behavior if that's where she is learning it from.

As for the boyfriend - is he husband/father material and in it for the long haul?
If he is - then you and he need to get together and decide how you BOTH will parent your kids.
Parenting classes will help you get on the same page.

If he's not - then you and he don't live together and you don't introduce boyfriends to your kids until you are in a serious long term relationship.

If he's not willing to seriously talk about this with you and actually work on it, then you need to rethink the relationship. He is your boyfriend - not your husband and not the kids' father. Maybe living together has shown that he is not husband/father material. What is he going to do when the girls are mouthy teens? Your kids are very young now. This is a critical time to be thinking about who you are bringing into their lives. They come first, no matter what.

Have you both talked about how to handle her bad behavior? Do you allow him to discipline them? Does he have kids of his own? He's being thrown into this new role with YOUR kids and he doesn't know how to be a dad to them. You both need to talk about consequences for her and help him understand his role.

What do you do? You break up with the boyfriend.

You put your children first. And that means not playing house with a man who doesn't care to understand children's behavior.

A man you live with simply MUST be father material. He is not father material.

Be a mother first and do what's right for your children. If you don't, your daughter will turn out awful. She will feel unloved and will hate her sister, you and this guy. She will not grow out of this kind of behavior because of the way he treats her.

Well he's not your husband or their father, he's just a boyfriend. Why are you expecting more? Honestly why don't you just keep the boyfriend on the side and away from your kids anyway? They don't need to be a part of your dating life.
Go out, have fun, get laid, but keep your children out of it. It's sooo confusing to them :-(

throw the boyfriend out and put your children first.
khairete
S.

Doesn't sound like he's in it for the long haul. If he were, he'd talk to you about the problems with your older child and what you, as a team, can do to fix that, not wash his hands of the child, ignore her, and move on to the good kid. Living together is supposed to be a serious commitment, he is supposed to show you he is mature enough to be a husband and be in the lives of these kids, since you're a package deal. His behavior tells me that he's only going to stick around for the good, but not the bad though. Are you sure he is husband material now that you've seen his true colors?

It is time to talk to him about how this bothers you and the fact that ignoring her is only going to make things worse. What happens when you two have issues? Is he just going to lock himself in the room and ignore you until one of you decides to speak up? What if you become gravely ill? Is he going to ignore you and go have his fun? Will he break up with you when your kid gets detention or expelled from school? His behavior tells me he is perfectly capable of running away from problems. If he refuses to change or address the child with behavior problems after you speak to him, it's time to put your kids first and walk away.

It is because of her behavior, so address the problematic behavior. Yes your boyfriend does need to understand that she is a little kid and her behavior will not always be perfect, but there is also no need to have patience for tantrums, that behavior needs to be nipped in the bud and when she acts like that ignoring her is appropriate until the behavior stops, of course you also have to explain to the child why she is being ignored so she understands that once the behavior stops things will go back to normal.