How to Disown a Relative

First, my sympathy for the loss of your son.

Second, I would ask HER for help! Not financial, but ask her if she would watch your kids (at her home) so you can go grocery shopping, or run an errand for you that doesn't involve money, like dropping off (unimportant) letters at the post office or things like that. Tell her you really need support in this difficult time.

You will discover one of three things: she will either disappear so fast your head will spin, she will gladly help out and you will have changed the nature of the relationship for the better, OR she will ask for money to do the favors/errands. If she continues to ask for money, be firm and tell her that you can't. No further explanation needed.
Something I have learned over the years is just because someone asks you a question does not mean you need to answer it! You can completely change the subject.

I'm afraid if you try to ignore her and her mother and cut them out of your life you might start a family war, and no one wins those.

Im sorry to say, but this is the saddest story I have heard in a long time. It always seems to amaze me how family can be so selfish. If I were in your shoes, I would try to tell her the next time she calls, that you are going to start the next faze of your life, and she is not welcome to be in it. Let her know that her selfishness has bothered you, and you dont have time for people like that. The important thing is to make yourself feel better, not her. No long explanations, just to the point and move on. Your children and husband are far too important to dwell on such insignificant things.

A., so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't think there is ever an easy way to get people out of your lives. However, I think they need to go!! There is no reason that you should have to deal with such lack of respect! Family should be about love and support and it goes both ways. You should not be the one supporting them now, they should be supporting you and your family through this time. I would just stop communicating, take this time to fous on your daughter and husband. I wouldn't even entertain a conversation with her, let the phone go to voice mail! Hang in there and good luck

So sorry to hear that your son was with you for such a short time. (If at some point you think you may benefit from a support group, "Compassionate Friends" is a great one that our aunt joined when she lost her son.)

You do not deserve to have anyone draining your energy or resources. I would recommend getting caller ID on your phone and screening your calls. Don't answer if it's her. If she comes to your house. Say it's not a good time and you wish she had called first then close the door. It's perfectly fine to set boundaries to protect you and your family from her rudeness. If after a few months have passed and she still doesn't get the hint tell her straightforward "In the past you have taken advantage of me and I just can't help you anymore.

Caller ID is a great thing... I would stop answering her calls. If you do still have her around, be firm and just say NO. Then she can "read between the lines" and understand that no means no. But you have to not give in. Whatever money that was raised I am sure went to things such as bills. Now any other money, is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. Sounds like this woman has some issues.

Don't return her calls. Check your caller id, and tell her that her one time that her behavior around the time of your son's death was completely inappropriate, and that at this time, you and your family need space, and you will be in touch with HER when YOU are ready.

Family is tricky. We know.

And more importantly, I am so so sorry for your loss.

I am afraid I have to answer a bit differently than some of the other moms trying to help. I can relate in that I have a sister who would suck the life out of me if I let her. I have chosen to love her. I tell her no when she asks for things and let her know if I think she has crossed a line. She doesn't call too much now but when she does I just listen and try to help her find ways to help herself. It is hard work. Loving family is never easy. I understand the feeling that you just want her out of your life. You are trying to heal from a major loss and being giving when you are in need doesn't feel natural but it works. Relationships aren't perfect but they can change if you are willing to do the foot work. Best wishes to you and your family.

Dear A.-
I just read your post and wanted to write to you. My heart is aching for you and your family. I can't imagine the pain of witnessing a child fight cancer and then losing the child. As soon as I finished reading your post I prayed for you and your family and I will continue to pray for you.
Don't we all have relatives we'd like to disown. My husband's uncle brought grocery bags to our wedding reception and loaded them up with food and our center pieces. He then took our center pieces to the flea market the next day and sold them. I didn't even get one! If I were you I would confront her about your feelings either face to face or in a letter. I would tell her how inconsiderate you think she is for bothering you about money so soon after your son's burial. I would also tell her that you will no longer give her money under any circumstances whatsoever. You should let her know that you feel like she's taken advantage of you because of your son's condition. I would also tell her that you would like to keep a relationship with her because you are family, but only if it can be mutually beneficial. If she's only after you because of the money she will leave you alone.
Hopefully this was helpful. Good luck with everything.
N.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure Alex is pain free now and in Heaven with his angels. Talking about kicking you when you're down. That's what this aunt is doing to you. I would try distancing yourself from this woman as much as possible right now. If you don't have call waiting, get it. Don't take her calls. If she leaves a message, erase it before you listen to it. Surround yourself with happy, supportive people right now.

A.,
It is such a sad thing to hear you have lost a child. I am so sorry that happened to your family.
Just drop the leech like a bad habit.

A. - first of all, I am so sorry about your son. I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you. This is a time for you and your family to try to heal and certainly not deal with this woman in your life. She sounds callous and obviously in a world of her own. I would stop taking her calls immediately and avoid her as best you can. And by all means, stop giving her money or anything else! If she thinks she can get something from you, she will keep bugging you! Again, I am so very sorry about your son.

A.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.(and have gone through for 3 years). I'm also sorry you have an Aunt that is completely selfish. I would drop her like everyone has said. Tell her you are tired of her always asking you for money, and diapers and the last straw was when she filled up to-go containers from your son's service! I would tell her she is selfish and insensitive and you don't need toxic people like her in your life right now! Please seek some grief counseling to help you through this difficult time, either by calling your health insurance provider for a reference or maybe at your local church or social service office. Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

D.

A. first I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for . You don't need and Aunt asking you for things at this time. The best advice I can give you is to tell her how you feel. You and your family need time to heal and don't need someone asking for things all the time. If that doesn't work the best you can do is just ignore her. Don't answer her calls and hopefully with what you told her she will get the hint. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Jenn

Good Morning A.:

My deepest condolence to u and your family in the passing of your son! Unfortunately, I don't think there is an easy answer when dealing with a family member other than being honest about how u feel. You now have the floor and should take advantage of your situation because it is taking a toll.

It is time for u to tell her NO in all aspects of everything u ever said yes to before. No she cannot borrow any more money and the BUCK stops here! But what is crazy is leaches usually don't get it...it is always someone elses problem and they never seem to own up to how they affect people in their circle.

I have a friend that is a leach and she also doesn't get it and she is actually proud to call herself and owns up to her reputation which is very sad.

Good Luck A. and stay strong!

So although we are brought up to respect our aunts and uncles...she has stepped over the line and I would come out swinging w/words if u don't get a result with using NO! Have u tried talking to your uncle about her?

Hi A.

I don't know if this will help, but let me try. Obviously you have been through a great ordeal losing a child;I have never been there, but I know it is hard. First you have to take time to heal. Then everything else will follow. It may not be in your nature, but just say NO! She is a grown woman with a spouse, it is not your responsiblity to take care of her household or supply her child with pullups, you have a family of your own. She is being down right selfish.

Have you tried speaking with your uncle to explain this situation to him. If you have not maybe you should go that route. If that does not work simply put her in her place by letting her know that the things you have done was to benefit your sick child and the rest of your family. Just like you and your husband work hard to make sure your house is in order then she needs to do the same things.

While it is alway a rewarding feeling to help out family members from time to time there is a difference when you are supporting someone else's household. Hold your ground and take her head on. Tell her you can not supply her money anymore, you have your own family to take care of.

Hope this helps.

firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfortunate that some people feel the need to prey on those who are vulnerable. Your uncle should be the one to say something to his wife and his mother-in-law about taking food that doesn't belong to them. Why is she asking you for money especially since you were trying to raise some? Let her find a means to help herself. I would suggest that you mention to your uncle that he should speak to his wife about asking for money (there must be additional relatives that could help out if they really are in need) and state to her that you have your own family to provide for and that she should take care of herself. there are plenty of resources out there she could connect with if she is that desperate. hang in there and be tough. God Bless

First let me tell you how sorry I am to hear of your son's passing . No parent should have to go through that. I'm apalled that a relative could be that way to someone who has a child with a illness that severe and expect handouts without thinking. My advice is that you tell her that she is not welcome in your life anymore. I'm not sure how close you sure to your uncle but she will only get worse with wanting this or that. Please accept my sympathy.

(((((A.)))))) I'm so sorry to hear about your son.

As for the aunt, don't answer her calls. If she comes to your door don't answer that either. You can always say later that you must have been in the shower, or had the radio too loud to hear the door or phone. My husband has a sister who used to always ask him for money before we were married. Shortly after we got married she called, and he thought she was going to ask for money. Before she could get the words out, but after she asked how we were, he started telling her about bills we had, and having to buy furniture for the house, and such. So he left it to her to think we didn't have any money. In 9 years of marriage she has only called our house one other time, and never has asked for money. We're all still on good terms, and see her when we go home. If neither of those approaches work for you, then you might have to just be straight forward with her. Then if the rest of the family comes down on your being so honest you can always blame your grief. Hope you have caller ID though, so you can screen your calls, and just not have to deal with her.

If I were you I'd tell her flat out to get lost. I don't know how you haven't after all you and your family has been through. I am very very sorry for your loss! I would have lost it and told her off by now, you have a lot of self control and I give you credit for it. I do think that you need to just come out and tell her or start ignoring her calls. The idea that she could even ask you guys for money and diapers while you little one his suffering is beyond me. I have no words of tastefulness, just let her have it. I guess you could try talking to your uncle about it and see what happens. Again I am so very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As such you are going through so much pain and then to deal with such an insensitive relatives must be hard.

Tell that relative she is no longer welcome. You can do this by telephone first. Tell her in person if necessary.

Hi A.,

I like everyone else want to say how sorry I am that you lost your son. I can only imagine how your heart must feel right now. I think that you really jsut need to talk to her and your uncle and tell them how you feel even if it is not what they want to hear. Don't figh tor argue with them, just say here is the deal no more asking me for things or taking food etc. I'm at a point in my life right now where I can't give anything else right now and you need to either acccept that or choose to not communicate with me and that is that. YOU need to stand up and tell people how they can treat you. I hope things work out, i also read a post about your husband I hope things got better and you were able to be with your baby while he was ill. I really hope things get better for you, nobody deserves to loose a baby.

Hi A.,
I am truly sorry for your loss!
It disgusts me to see a person being stepped on by another family member. NOW is the time for you to take care of YOUR family. You need to inform this person that it is not your job to take care of her. I would no longer allow this person in my home. She is not respecting you or your family. I would clearly state that you are no longer her crutch for when her "ends don't meet". That you are not going to be her convenient store to come and get things when she needs them. YOu have to take care of your daughter now. One line I use for people is "Lack of planning on your part, does not consitute an emergency on mine." The more you say NO the more she will stay away. Becasue you say "yes" she comes back! She needs to plan better for her family. For Christmas, buy her some pullups! HAHA! It just makes me so mad, that people can be so selfish! You are doing the right thing by not informing her of how much you raised witht he benefit for your son, it is NONE of her business. Take that money, pay the needed bills and then do something SPECTACULAR in honor of your precious boy. Show her that you are going to rise a shine above this tragedy! People like her are sad and desperate. Rise above her and just make your family shine without her being involved. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept my condolences. The loss of a child is something that every mother fears. To have such an insensitive person coming into your life, taking your focus off of your greiving and healing process is just horrible. I hope you are able to solve the problem with this person and get rid of this negative influence.

Best regards,
Cathy

First of all, let me say how sorry I am about your loss. I can't even imagine the pain that you are going through with the loss of a child.

As far as you aunt is concerned, maybe you should just ask her out right about what she really expects from you, and is she trying to use your family and your son's tragedy as a way to get freebees or money for herself or her family. Tell her that the people who donated expect you to be accountable in the way that you spend the money, and it's not a get rich scheme for everyone's use. If she tries to give you a line about how she does not have any money and she needs help, tell her to seek out welfare assistance, ask her parents or siblings, and not come to you more and ask for money or handouts. Consider telling her that you will be glad to give her child thing things that you do not use anymore, but on your schedule, not hers, and ask her to respect your privacy while you mourn the loss of your son.

A., i'm so so sorry about your little one. my heart goes out to you, your husband and your daughter. sometimes it takes suffering through real grief to see things clearly. it sounds like you're ready to let your aunt out of your life. i've always found that being direct, firm, and polite works best. no beating around the bush. she's clearly not supporting you in your time of need so she doesn't need to be around, it's as simple as that. cut her loose. you'll feel freer once you do.

Hi A.. I'm deeply sorry about your son passing. Hearing your story makes me feel shame about the meaningless things that I complain about every day. I don't think that you should be confronting this on your own. If anyone in the family is noticing this and agrees with you, he/she should back you up. How about your uncle? I think that lady needs an intervention. It sounds to me like she is taking advantage of you. You know that saying "give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." I'm not exactly sure how it goes, but I hope that I made the point. Obviously this lady wants to be a charity case. I would just avoid contact with her.

Hi A....
I can't believe this aunt of yours giving you all this trouble during this time. I have to agree with your first response...you need to spell it out for her to understand that you want nothing to do with her ever again and then shut the door on that relationship completely.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy. I also have a 4 year old son and this news just makes my heart ache. My family and I will keep you and yours in our prayers.

Treat your "Aunt" like a bad habit that you're trying to get rid of...you can't even wean yourself from that "freeloader, begging, cheap person" that she is! Ya' gotta go COLD TURKEY! You have to Say NO (only once) and Mean No...People generally do to us what "WE" allow them to do. If you want a "situation" to change, "You" have to change...You didn't mention if you've tried to "get rid" of her in the past, if so it's obvious she does not take you Seriously. Don't invite her over, don't go to her house, or anywhere with her. etc..."Break-up" with her. Most importantly, talk to your Uncle, I'm sure he is not blind to what type of person he is married to.

Good Luck with her...

May God Bless You...

First of all, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your son. With something devastating like that to deal with, the last thing you need is an obnoxious relative.

If you are at all close with your uncle, you may want to have a conversation with him about it first and see if he has any influence over the situation. If you aren't close with your uncle then I say, have it out with the woman the next time she calls. Let her know flat out that the ATM is closed permanently, that you feel she has been taking advantage of you, and that it is time for it to stop. Once she realizes that she's not getting anywhere with you, I'm sure she'll probably back off. You just have to stick to your guns!

Good luck!

Please accept my condolences! You poor thing! To cope with the loss of your son in the first place and then to top it off your aunt! OMG! Let me be bluntly honest with you, I don't have a relationship with my family with the one exception of my Austic brother. Very long and complicated story BUT the moral of my story is I needed to choose what was best for me and my mental health. My family fought me on it but I knew this is what I needed to do. I stopped calling and stopped returning calls. Numerous hostile responses initially but they have since ceased. I also entered therapy to cope with my anger, guilt, ect... This may be good for you as well to cope with your loss and the possible termintation of your relationship with your aunt. I wish you the best of luck with that situation and with your healing process.

hi A.,first let me say how sorry iam to hear about the loss of ur son,there is nothing worse then losing a child but u have a daughter so u will get strength from her,u sound like a strong person,as for ur aunt,well some people just dont no wen enough is enough,tell her wats on your mind and how rude she is,you just lost a baby,u dont need to give her she needs to give you,tell her nicely you dont like her ways asking for money and things,tell her you n your family need to get it togther,to grow up n get a job,sometimes we need to put other ppl in there place in order for them to relize wat there doing is wrong,or at the wrong time,mayb she will see it your way and didnt relize it,if not and u reli wana get rid of her,just b very very cold,she get the message ,good luck,and my prayers are with u and your family,

Hi A.,
I'm not sure what to do about your Aunt, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about your son. My thoughts are with you and your family. -P.

The clearest thing in your situation is that your family and your feelings need to be most important. It is obvious she has no concern for you as a mother or as a relative, and you definitely need to eliminate people like that from your life. We have a similar situation with my husband's parents. Though they dont ask for anything from us, they have immense family issues and have scarred my husband sinced childhood. He is now 28 years old and has had to come to the realization that things will not change and he must sever ties with his parents in order to be the father and husband he needs to be to his new family. The way we went about it is this: We simply told her that there is a lot of emotional damage that he wishes to now heal from, and part of that is keeping out the negativity. You are an adult and that is completely your right to do so. We got to the point is mentioning a restraining order if they proceeded to continue attempted contact. I hope you and your family don't have to get to that point, but you definitely need to make it clear to her there is no place in your life for someone with that little concern for your healing heart.

First off I want to tell you how truely sorry I am for your loss. To lose a child is the absolute worst thing in the world and I would like you to know that my prayers are with you. Secondly, as far as your relative goes. I would just tell her like it is and tell you that you want nothing to do with her anymore. Otherwise it doesn't really sound like she will get the point unless you spell it out for her. Good luck with everything and again I am very sorry.

A.:
First let me say how truly sorry I am to hear about your son. Second you have enough going on in your life right now, the last thing you need is a greedy woman with a heart of stone. I would speak to both her and your uncle and tell them that yes you are family and that means alot but the fact that your aunt has repeatedly asked you for money and never paid it back and constantly askes for pull ups is wrong. Unless your aunt stops asking for things and gets her act together you are no longer going to include them in your families life.
L.

Hi, My name is R. and Im really sorry about your son.As far as your aunt goes you need to tell her you are all done giving her money and get a job and support herself.If she gets mad oh well.Its not about her its about what you do for you and your family.If she doesn't talk to you it would probably be a big relief. Hope all goes well. Happy Holidays. R.'

A little about me: Im a 41 year old single mom with a 17 year old son named Michael who is a senior in high school. I do hair for a living.

A.,

I would like to first say how sorry I am to hear about your loss. I have been following your story through your messages and it is never easy to loose a child, no matter what the age is. Best of luck to you, your other children, and your husband.

As far as your aunt goes, right now above all she should not be asking you any questions except what SHE can help YOU out with. No matter the family relationship, no member should ever constantly rely on another. Confront her and flat out state you are no longer supporting her actions. If she wants money, go to DSS, if she wants diapers, go to GoodWill. She needs to support her own family and let you get on with supporting yours and being there for your needs.

Tell her off and then try to explain to other family members the position she was putting you in. Your message explains it all, just say those exact words to them.

A.,

I am so sorry to hear about you & your family's loss.

My advice to you is that you have a talk with your uncle and explain to him that your not a bank to be loaning out money that you don't have or are not willing to part with... Maybe he can help you with explaining that to his wife. And if not, then just tell her that you no longer want her calling your house or talking to you.

It's very sad to know that there are people out there with no common sense, and don't care for other peoples feelings but their own.

I hope that everything works out for you.

A., A., A..... I am so sorry about your son... my heart goes to you.

About your aunt - I would simply tell her straight that you do not want to give her anymore money or things, so you are asking her to please stop asking for it. Be polite but firm. It's unbelievable what you described!

Good luck.
Take care
Joanna

Hi A.,
First, I'm so deeply sorry to hear about your son. Thank God he is no longer suffering, though.

About your aunt, first you might try to just ignore her and don't be close to her. Don't answer when she calls(if you can tell its her) or have someone else answer the phone from now on and when it's her, tell her you're busy. If this doesn't work, I'd confront her. It's never easy to tell a family member what they're doing wrong, even if it's so blatantly obvious, because sometimes we don't want to hurt them or cause trouble amongst the family. But I have a good feeling if you make it clear that you only have a problem with her and no one else, other people won't say much of anything. It's pretty obvious she is a leach, and it's not right...especially in a time when you should be morning.
Good Luck A.!

Hey A. - Just wanted to offer my condolences on the loss of your little boy. We lost our daughter at birth 9 years ago, and time does help with the pain. As for your Aunt, I would be just as forward with her as she is with you. Tell her point blank you don't have the money and to please stop asking. It amazes me that she would even consider going to you and your husband with requests like that given the situation you've been dealing with. I wish you and your family peace in this difficult time. A.

yikes---

Tell her that unless she stops asking for money she will not be welcome in your home or psychic space (via the telephone) anymore.

Reach out to other relatives and let them know what is going on-- or if you don't feel like the inperson/on the phone confrontation is worth it--- write her a letter--

stay strong-- my sympathies are with you.

Do not just avoid the phone calls-- you will not have the closure that you need in the straightforward communication, and she will not have someone stand up to her for her abusive sick behavior. I would be willing to bet you are not the only one in her circle of people who notice and have been negatively affected by her treatment.

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. As for the "money grubbing leach" as you put it, it sounds to me as if you need to end all contact with her - which is also your main goal. You could go about this in several ways. You could just ignore her calls altogether or you could take the direct approach and just tell her how you feel. Just because she is married to your uncle doesn't necessarily mean you have to put up with this nonsense. Does your uncle know that she's been doing this? You could take this up with him as well. There is a way to be tactful, yet firm, about your feelings. You could simply say that you do not appreciate being taken for granted, and that your son's benefit money isn't for her. I'm sure you must have some medical bills that need to be paid for and that she should understand that you are in mourning right now.

Again, sorry for your loss. I hope I've helped in some way.

Best to you and your family during this time.

Wow that's really unfortunate. I'm so sorry for your loss, first of all. I can't imagine what you're going through and then to have such an insensitive relative to boot is just crummy.
Maybe the next time she calls for whatever it is that she wants, you can say something like "I'm sorry i don't have the (money or pull-ups or whatever it is) and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect that I need some time to heal right now. I need my space" You'll either get a positive or negative reaction, but you need to take care of you and she needs to see that. And who knows maybe she'll surprise you and offer something to you for a change.

If you need an unbiased person to talk to, please feel free to contact me. I wish I could do more to help.