Or, more to the point, what do you do when you see your husband is dropping the Dad Ball and subtle suggestions aren't working?
After we saw the movie Hook when I was younger, my Mom used to turn to my Dad (whose name is not Peter) and say, "Peter, you're missing it" when he was skewing toward the neglectful side. That didn't really work out so well. BIG issues between my Dad and my brother to this day.
Husband would like to go from TV show to movie to video game to bed, then tell me our daughter would rather stand at the gate and scream for me (while I'm in the kitchen cooking for all the special dietary needs in our little family) than interact with him. The kids are all upset, I turn and he is laying there on the couch, with the movie he just bought On Demand paused while he waits for the children to quiet and he can resume him movie-watching.
I'm ready to take a baseball bat to the TV. I told him the other day, I would like to budget our time more effectively. For every frivolity, there needs to be some practical application of our time at home. We watched a TV show together, I went to the kitchen to cook and clean. I don't think it's crazy to expect him to do something productive with our kids. He's even allowed to have fun doing it. I'm not asking him to clean the bathrooms or even pick up toys. Just do SOMETHING with the kids! He agreed, in theory, yesterday. Then today, his sole contribution to the household was operating the remote control! I promise you, I can manage that quite fine without him.
This is a bit of a rant, but I am very curious: Have any of you ever successfully snapped your husband out of one of these nasty cycles? What worked for you?
ETA: A little additional information. My husband is active duty military who was diagnosed with Type II diabetes more than three months ago. Initially, I understood he was going through a lot (emotionally and physically) and wanted to give him time to process through his feelings. Meanwhile, we have an Autistic four-year old and twin 17-month olds. I understand it is difficult to engage three (mostly non-verbal) children, but he seems to give up before he's even put in any sort of effort. I am simply asking he do something to engage/entertain the children so I can catch up on housework. I am not asking so I can go get my nails done or take a bath (even when I desperately need one.) I totally messed up a recipe I was trying to make last night because my kids were sitting there screaming at me (you can see the kitchen from the living room) and Hubby did NOTHING! You bet he complained when his Diabetic-Friendly Dessert tasted a little salty. I really am dreading him coming home today because he always "resets" after a night's sleep and acts like everything is OK. I don't even want to look at him. I am so disappointed in him. I know that's dipping into a whole mess of other issues we need to work out...... at this point, I have a few ideas sparked by your suggestions (which I appreciate.) We'll see how it goes.
And.... knowing my husband, I don't stand a snowball's chance in Texas in getting him to watch Fireproof or Courageous. Not his style at all.
why are you being subtle?
this is serious.
he doesn't think you're serious.
enlighten him.
khairete
S.
Suz T. is correct about the subtlety! I talk to my husband about issues once. If that doesn't work (and sometimes it doesn't) things become far less pleasant and far more obvious! Light a fire under his a**.
I second Suz and Reverand.
Subtle doesn't work. If he doesn't want to parent, but wants to stay married - then he can contribute his share of parenting to a second job during those times. Parenting or extra income - he's gonna help out one way or the other.
I filed for a divorce. Really!!! My ex was exactly like that, I filed for a divorce and he had to move out and he suddenly enjoyed taking the kids to the park and would go roller skating ect with them. When it was 'us' everything was too boring, too expensive, too.....
Tell him it's counseling or else. Time to put up and shut up. He helped to create those kids he needs to parent those kid. Parent is a verb (or action word) too.
My husband is a wonderful husband and father in many ways, but he has never been very hands on with the kids.
I would watch other dads interact with their kids SO much, coaching, leading scout troops, taking the kids fishing, etc. It would make me sad because I just kept thinking, why doesn't he want to do these things?
It used to really bother me and we talked about it quite a bit but I finally just had to accept the fact that I really don't have any control over the relationship between him and the kids. It's ultimately his choice and he is the one missing out.
His own father worked a LOT and was not around very much so I guess my husband is fine in that role.
I just try to concentrate on my own relationship with my kids, and make the most of our limited time together. My oldest is a college freshman now and I'm happy to say that we are still close.
And even though my husband is a lot like yours with the TV and the video games, our kids still love him very much, they just aren't particularly close.
I guess what I'm saying is you may need to adjust your expectations. Can you imagine if your husband didn't like the way YOU were parenting and was trying to get you to change? I'm sure you would resent it. Let him be the dad he wants to be, it's really up to him.
I knew a woman that had 1 child.
Her Husband was just hardly ever home. He was either working or out with the boys or golfing.
Her Husband didn't help much with their child as well.
But the husband wanted another child.
She said "yah when hell freezes over." She was NOT about, to have any more kids, with him.
Because, he was not a Dad. He was just not ever available.
And she was ready to get divorced.
The Husband was very self centered.
But never participating, in family life.
What you can do is, go on Strike. Don't do anything for your Husband. Since, even if he is there, he is not there nor participating in the home or the home life nor does anything for or with, his kids. Or you.
He is living in a hotel. Not reality.
Watch the movie Courageous with him! made by the same people who did Fireproof and it's about a group of men deciding to be better fathers, why they do it and how they accomplish it.
My hubby use to be a major video game addict. I almost walked out as I was tired of being a 'video game' widow. It was very serious. But we put a timer and a schedule on when it can be played, even down to what nights it stay off and only after kids are in bed...
I left for the weekend. On a vacation, not a relationship threatening left - just went away - to a friend's just out of town and ignored my cell phone. If he left a voicemail I listened but then texted my sis to assist (she was on board).
Yes but it had to get extremely critical before we were able to turn the ship around. I had a near breakdown with all of the responsibilities that I was trying to manage. Now the rule is: nobody rests until everybody rests (his rule, not mine). Often this will mean that he will persuade me to come sit down even if there are dishes in the sink or things to do, but adult programming doesn't come on until the kiddo is in bed and we can watch together. If I were you I would take a baseball bat to the TV!
One thing you might try is giving him specific tasks. Talk to him in a moment...maybe in the morning before things get crazy, or just in a quiet moment, and tell him how you feel in a non-confrotational way. Say something like, "Babe, I'm feeling overwhelmed in the evenings, and I'm going to need some more help from you. I'm hoping we can talk about some ideas." Then have some concrete suggestions. If he gets defensive, just stay calm--practice this ahead of time it's REALLY important because you want to avoid this becoming a "hot button issue" and avoid getting riled. Honestly, this is like an intervention and TV is like an addiction and you try to take their drug away and they freak out. Below are some suggestions:
-I'll set out crayons and markers and coloring books and paper on the table, so while I'm making dinner maybe you can color with the kids
-It's really nice outside lately and so while I'm making dinner maybe you can take the kids for a walk or in the backyard to play while I'm making dinner?
-It would be so helpful if you could help the kids get their rooms in order before dinner so we can have a smooth transition into bedtime.
-I would LOVE to watch a movie with you but I'm so tired at the end of the night, do you think you could help me a bit so we both can relax?
Good luck.
I have on occasion told my husband that he needs to play with his children instead of playing a video game. It doesn't happen often but when it does subtlety doesn't work. Flat out telling him that he needs to do it because his children are asking him to play works.
Is there some activity he enjoys (besides watching TV) that he can do with the kids? Mini-golf and ice cream every other Saturday or fishing twice a month, lunch and a movie on the weekends, going for a bike ride or a hike? Anything? It wouldn't be an everyday thing but it would be something that would make the kids feel good having dad time. If he makes a date with his children would he feel guilty breaking it? If so I say use the guilt to your advantage.
If you over function, he will under function. If you require the minimum, he will give the minimum. But catch him doing "good." Point out and praise what a good father he is when he is one.
We have a "No TV/Screen before kids go to bed rule." Especially during the week, since our time is so limited with them. Tell him that evenings are too stressful now and you need him to keep the kids in the living room while you cook dinner. I think you should also broach a "no tv" rule. Be direct and specific: "Please turn off the TV and play Hungry Hippos with the kids until dinner." Good luck.
My thoughts exactly girl!!!! Just last night my 3 year old told my husband to "go get in his 'chair'" (where he sits and watches tv and plays on his phone every night). Then my husband complains about how the kids only want me. GRRRRRR. Thanks for asking this question, I will be paying attention to the responses you get.
I wasn't particularly successful in getting my husband involved, but I was not demanding enough until pretty recently.
It really depends upon your relationship, but you can demand that he spend X amount of time with them daily, and make it specific. Sometimes guys just really have to be told point-blank what to do, not just hinted at.
"Honey, you need to do this. How many minutes a day do you think is reasonable?" (And I think an hour is reasonable. He can watch one hour of tv less a day.)
OMG I feel your pain lol. My husband is active duty military too with PTSD. We have two boys ages almost 1 and almost 2. I get on him about everything. The man won't even help me clean and I have hip and back problems. When he gets home from work he maybe interacts with the kids for about a total of 10 minutes before he sits his butt down on his computer and starts playing this new Star Wars game his friend bought him. Then he gets upset when I ask him to change the kids while I start dinner seeing as he doesn't even know how to cook. What does he do he calls for me to help him change a diaper....I tell him I do this all day without his help and he's calling for my help? His excuse is "You're mommy, you can do anything." It's getting old. the man always has something to complain about when he gets interrupted from his game. which reminds me that's the reason he's gained all of his weight back and I can tell you know if he gets taped and weighed he will be flagged for overweight and he has a PT test coming up that I honestly don't think he'll pass...and if he doesn't I think that might get him chaptered out of the army even though he wants to stay in as a career. The only thing that has worked for me is we get into this huge fight every time he starts doing this. I cry and he wises up and actually helps. This happens about ever 4 months. Good luck with your husband hope he wises up.
Maybe hide the remote and then find it after the kids are in bed? Or unplug the tv and tell everyone it is broken? I admit we watch too much tv, but my kids are little enough they only watch kids shows. If it isn't preschool appropriate then we watch it after the kids go to bed. Maybe you can suggest some games or toys for them to play when you are cooking? I do understand if your husband comes home exhausted and not ready to jump in with activities. Maybe set a 15 minute timer and then ask him to help when it goes off.
Hi, L.:
Get the book: Five Languages of Love.
What I am hearing from this post is a lot of negativism going on in
your household that resulted from your childhood between your mom and dad.
Lighten up.
Get the book quick.
Good luck.
D.
Every Friday night in our house is Family Night. We have dinner, clean up together, play a board or card game, and watch a movie. We use this night to celebrate weekly accomplishments (if one of the kids brings home a great test grade or some other good thing, we have ice cream).
That's tonight! ☺ I'm so glad because I've been sick three days this week and am definitely up for celebrating getting better!
Anyway...
We also have dinner together, at the table, at least 4 nights a week. No TV is allowed to be on during dinner. We talk about our day, each of us go around the table and tell one another three good things that happened during the day, and one or two things we could improve on. We communicate.
My point is, throw a few things like this into your schedule. Also, the rule in my house is: He who cooks does NOT clean the kitchen after. So if I cook dinner, my man and the kids clean up. It's just common courtesy.
I understand 100% where you are coming from. My husband is a WONDERFUL husband but a terrible parent. It's hard b/c I do adore him in every other way!!!!! He's smart, creative, kind, etc. but he's a tyrant with the kids - comes from his dad who thought working outside of the home was all a man was responsible for and thought children should be seen and not heard. So he yells at the kids to be quiet all the time - expects a 3 year old to wait patiently while he tells a long, dragged out story. Occasionally I have enough and lose it and he kicks in and helps out for a few weeks and then it's back to him coming home, asking what's for dinner and disappearing until dinner is done, eating and disappearing again. I've asked 100000000 times for someone to get off of their a** and at least put out napkins, water, silverware while I make dinner - doesn't happen. The problem is, if I complain, he will just stay at work and "work" late. Meanwhile, I don't have that option b/c I have to pick up the little one from the sitters. Sigh... He wonders why the oldest - his son - is so darn lazy. Monkey see, monkey do! And he wonders why the oldest could give a flip about him and why the youngest only wants me 100% of the time. Well you gotta put some effort into relationships - you get back what you put in - put in nothing...well, you get the point!
