How to Get a Young Child with ADHD to Listen!! I'm About to Go Crazy...

Dr. Sears has some great advice on discipline tactics that work, and the reasons why some things don't work.

It isn't geared towards adhd children, but I believe there will still be some helpful things here, as well as advice on how to stay calm as the parent (tough, I know!):

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

There are 2 things to try.

The first is to say " (Insert his name),Listen to my words".. then tell him the instruction.

The other is, "tell me what I just said."

"Look at my eyes and listen with your ears."

"Tell me what you are now going to do."

My husband is ADHD and I have known him since he was 13. These are the ways to get him to listen..

Remember people with ADHD do not always remember the instruction for a social behavior each time.. Even though you have told him over and over..

Before you go shopping, you will need to spell out his expected behaviors.. Yes, every time.. Eventually you will be able to say, "We are going to the store, how do you act in a store?" And he will be able to repeat the instructions.. but until that time.. EVERY time, you may have to go through the same routine.

Tantrums are a sign of frustration and he may not even know why he is so frustrated.. So you give him a moment to get it together.. If you are out in public, you may have to just leave.. He will learn you are serious once you do this a couple of times..

You can give him a heads up.. "you look like you are getting frustrated. Do you need to sit down for a minute?" "You look angry, come over here by me till you feel better." "Use your words to tell me what is happening. Your face looks upset."

He will then be able to put together his feelings with a sort of solution to walk away for a moment.

You may want to go to the library and read up on the latest ADHD research to see what they suggest. It will make your life so much easier, than trying to guess, what is going on in his head..

I have a daughter who is 7 and has adhd as well. I have gone through many trials with her trying to find something that works for her. I've tried the punishment route, the threatening route, taking toys etc away from her but all to no avail. I then tried various positive reinforcements with her, like a chart, a token program but with both of those I found it hard to keep up with. I started something new about a couple of months ago that seems to be working some. You're four year old should be able to understand this as well. I have a jar and for every good behavior that she does, for any chore that I can get her to do, and for any help that she gives me (you can decide for yourself what to reward him for). I do as we go along throughout the day. I will allow her to put a marble(s) in the jar for each of those things that I have assigned to her. Once the marbles fill up the jar, she will get a reward of her choosing (from a list of things I will provide to her). It also works the other way, if she misbehaves, throws a tantrum, etc, marbles come out. I have had to do this and let me tell you her world falls apart when that happens. So like I said, so far it's working. The number of tantrums, the number of talking back to me, the number of times she argues with me - all have decreased since I started this new program. I find it to be relatively simple to keep up with as well. The hardest part I have found is trying to stay consistent. It doesn't take a lot of time and effort on my part to do this. Of course, I don't reward her with a marble for every little thing b/c I don't want her to think you get something nice for doing the right thing all the time. Life isn't that way but she is seeing results for her good behavior and I am actually seeing some light. Consistency is the key here. If you do this, find a small jar and have him drop a marble in it himself. The smaller the jar is, the quicker the reward and with a 4 year old you will need that fast turn around. As rewards for a 4 year old it could be a treasure box that you filled with inexpensive toys or something that he can choose from. While he's getting a reward you too are getting a reward - some peace! Good luck mom!

I am with you on that, I have a very simmilar child and we have our days where he listens and days where we do nothing but FIGHT all day long. One thing that I find helpful is when I need to talk to him I turn off EVERYTHING, tv, music, computer, games, lights etc and get him interested in something that I have ... we talk then about expectations ... really one or two rules are needed and they can not be open ended rules ... in the store when/if I take him rule #1 you must sit in the cart for YOUR safety #2 you may not touch items unless they are in the cart. My son is now able to handle the rules #1 you need to listen to mommy #2 hold my hand at all times. You can/will get to that point with work on your part. When my son is obviously defiant, we take toys and put them in time out and he has an area of the house (his room w/out toys) to go calm down in. The naughty chair does not work with children like ours ... they need the naughty room/space and it is ok! While he is in the naughty area you need to find something to do that will/can calm you down because we get all riled up and emotional too I know, I play video games. I alway try to keep a toy of somesort in my purse to distract him with too it is helpful when you are in public. If you are not already going to a center to help him that offers parenting classes for you (to give you more ways to handle him), therepy for him and other diagnosis options (ADHD is rarely a stand alone diagnosis) and add medication if needed you need to find one, talk to your pedi and insurance company. You need to be able to have things during the day to calm yourself down b/c he will not respond if you are upset or filled with anger. I know it is hard and you can PM me if you need to talk it seems we are going thru some simmilar things. My son is 4 and can not even potty train or go to school/day care they kick him out quickly.

Your request is similar to one asked just an hour or so ago, and my advice to you is almost the same:

When you give him your instruction, do you tell him from across the room, or do you make a point of connecting with him first? If the latter, try this:

Bend down to his eye level, touch his arm or shoulder as you say his name, and pause until he's looking at your face. (Some kids with neurological deficits can't look you in the face without noticeable discomfort, so you may need to cut him a bit of slack, but be sure you have his attention.)

Tell him clearly what you need from him, and ask him to repeat what you said. Then, keeping your voice cheerful, give him a time limit, and ask him to come and tell you as soon as it's done. If you're asking for a multi-step job, like cleaning his room, break it down into shorter, clearer "bits." If you merely want him to stop playing with a toy, ask him to choose an alternative toy/activity, and tell you what that will be. If he's already focused on the no-no, he may need you to help him find a desirable alternative. This turns the bane of too many "don't do thats" into a more positive "yay, do this!"

When he does anything you want or appreciate, even small or fleeting moments like getting up right away to deal with a task or responding to your instructions with a good attitude, make a habit of noticing and commenting (NOT manipulative over-the-top praise, just positive notice). Children value their parents' high regard, and this is one way to give him opportunities to earn the pats on the back he desires.

You say you "praise him when he's good," but there are less effective and more effective ways to praise children, according to recent studies. Read more on that here: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

It is usually helpful to give advance notice when you'll want him to do something differently, so he has a little time to make the necessary emotional adjustments. "Five more minutes, and then I need you to _______." Then, "One more minute playing with that toy, son." And if you can make the new activity sound appealing, or playful, or satisfying in some way, all the better.

Since he sounds like a pretty emotionally reactive boy, you might do best using an approach that incorporates lots of empathy for his feelings. This is not pushover parenting, it merely lubricates the many potential friction points in a day, and makes it more effortless for both your son and you. Find out more by googling "emotion coaching."

And the marvelous book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish is oozing with real-life examples of how parents make positive, empathetic connections with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the practical lessons to work. This is simply the best, most effective parenting book I've ever read, and I have read a bunch.

Don't go crazy.
Take some deep breaths.

Stop expecting him to listen.
He won't until he's older.
And then only maybe.

See if you can get away every so often . . . .
lunch and shopping or a movie with friends.
Romantic evening with DH.
A massage and/or mani-pedi.
Do not attempt to be mom 24/7.

If you MUST take him into stores,
get a harness with a (sorry!) leash.
Better not to take him into stores.

If you want him to do something,
get down to his level and do it with him,
narrating and directing as you show him
what you want him to do.

Step by step . . . . do not expect him to do anything
without your direct instructions and presence.
For now. This may improve after a while.

Are you in a support group of moms with ADHD kids?
If not, see if you can find one to join.

Keep on keepin' on.
And B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

Dr. Kenneth Bock has a book called Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, Astham, ADHD and Allergies which may be helpful for you. Some people get good results eliminating ADHD symptoms with the Feingold diet. Also look into a therapy like Brain Balance started by Melillo. Dr. Mellillo's book is Disconnected Kids.

Tantrums that last that long are super common with adhd... it's because we cycle our emotions at full strength over and over and over, and we'll get hyperfocused on the *punishment* instead of what led up to the punishment. The whole "1 minute per year of age" thing actually cracks me up / puts me in stitches. For the first few years it would EASILY take 30-45 minutes just for kiddo to calm down enough to be talked to (adhd-c). The the "talk'bout'it" would take several minutes on top of that... typically 5-15. In our house time out isn't "punishment" per se... but a time to calm down and start being able to think and to start finding solutions. And from toddlerhood onward, they often lasted well over an hour. Because FIRST the calm down has to happen. THEN we have to be able to talk about what happened without getting emotionally right back to where he was before. THEN once we've hashed out

- Why he was sent on timeout (ex: hitting)
- What happened (different than why... aka what was the sequence of events that happened that led up to him hitting)
- What are some possibilities (I ALWAYS need at least 2 other possibilities) for what can be done next time (because of *course* "it" will happen again / the seq of events that led to the hitting)
- How can we make what happened either right or better?

((In the beginning I led him through this process step by step when he was a toddler -calm down, talk about it, fix it, move on/come off of time out-, but by 4ish he was able to run through the whole process on his own... and then when he made another cognitive emotional leap again around age 7 we needed to revisit the process and now at 8 he's doing it on his own again. So the first time it took about 2 years before he was able to do it without prompting, and then about 3 months when he was 7)).

As far as "listening" I use a couple tricks:

- I count to 5 if it's important/ I'm serious (house rule, I never get angry w/out counting to 5).
- I'll do a steady stream of reminders
- I'm silly as much as possible (kiddo listens better while laughing)
- I'll have kiddo put in his own words what he thinks the expectations are
- Swift and instant consequences for 'not' listening when it's important. (aka i say we have to hold hands, and he doesn't... means he gets carried. If he fights being carried he's on timeout."
- house rule: If you throw a fit, you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout. (he wants to go, we stay, stay we go, food/no food, attention/no attention, etc.).
- house rule : If you whine you don't get what you want

As always
www.additudemag.com is a stellar resource