How to Get Along with the Inlaws

Everyone is telling you to just ignore everything..well, i would ignore her also..but not without a good telling off first. I know how you feel..my daugther is 7..and has only seen her dad's parents twice...they live probably 70 miles away..and don't even send presents at the holidays. I had to tell them off years ago..when there was a gun sitting on their computer stand, and we were there for a visit..they wouldn't pick it up out of her reach, so I put her snow suit right back on her and left..and haven't been back since. So, my suggestion is to lay it all out once and for all..if you end up not getting along..oh well...you weren't getting a along in the first place.

I just read Christian's website and noticed a big improvement in his facial movement already. I know you're waiting for your parents to come up but have you tried posting for a sitter at the hospital requesting an RN? Is there any type of respite care like they have for handicapped children even for just a few hours? It doesn't look like the in-laws will be of any help any time soon and they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm sorry, is 2 hours a week out of your life going to mean that your being put upon?! You may want to check out the ambulance services also. I'm a volunteer in my local squad and some were trained to care for a special needs child in another town. I'll bet you'd get a great response! I really like the blogspot with all the updates. You're doing a tremendous job and you should pat yourself on the back! If you just want someone to rant and rave at, send a response and I'll send my email address! I've found it easier to "type" a bad day because you can say what you want and no one can see you cry. My prayers are with all of you.

A.,
I know where you are coming from. my inlaws (both father and mother) do not spend any time with my daughter and devote all of their time to taking care of my 23 yr old sister in law. my daughter was a yr last month and they only see her every couple of weeks/months. they live 20 minutes away. I try and try to get them to want a relationship with us and my daughter, but no matter how many times I call/email/stop by they don't reciprocate AT ALL. I think you should stop trying and find someone else to watch your kids. I'm fortunate that my mom isn't too far away and will drop everything to watch her granddaughter. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone, and there are lots of us out there in the same position!

Jess

A., it sounds to me like there are deeper issues with your husbands family. I think they are avoiding the situation with your son, not so much with you. I don't think yo should "let it be". I feel like they are wasting precious time with your beautiful boy. I think you should address the issue, but talk to them about their fears when it comes to being alone with Christian. Maybe they are afraid something will happen and they won't know how to handle the situation. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. It's nice to be able to choose to be in a situation instead of having it forced on you. You deserve a night out, you and your husband need time together to process things. I think checking with a local visiting nurse or red cross is a great idea, but you still need to address the issues within your family. You don't want your husband to be resentful or anyone to have regrets. Christian deserves more than that from his family and so does Carter. Good luck and my God Bless your family.

Hi A.,

First I am so very sorry about your son. I will keep him in my prayers.

Secondly, I feel for you about your MIL not being as close to your husband and his kids as she is with her daughter. We have the same exact issue! My MIL is with her 2 daughters ALL THE TIME and makes plans with them (one or the other) every weekend and watches their children all the time. She never calls our house to see how my son or hubby is doing..not ever. It doesn't bother me at all because I have my own mother and family that I am very close with to do things with me and my son. Bothers my husband though! So to have a somewhat "normal" relationship between her and my son, I make an effort to almost every Tuesday go to her house when she is watching my SIL's kid to go see her so that my son can visit her. However in your situation you have a lot going on with your son and they need to be making the effort..they really should be more supportive and there for you..that is horrible! And the fact that they are the only 2 that live close to you, well that just really sucks. I would try and talk to them but if that doesn't work then just cut your ties with them. I don't understand why your MIL won't watch the children even once just to give you and your husband a break..I think even if I asked my MIL she would "have to check her schedule" to see if the other daughters have her scheduled to watch their kids, but if she is free then she will watch him.

Good luck hun.

I just want to say that I'm ashamed of your mother in law and sister in law. I went on to your sons blog and my heart goes out to you, your husband and your sons. You and your husband deserve a date night and a break. To deal with your child's illness and the emotions from it .... and them to not want to offer you all the help in the world is just not right. I will keep your son in my prayers , he is a beautiful little boy and I hope he gets as healthy as can be :) I wish I could help you and your husband out. I think you and your husband should tell them how you feel ... and ask why they don't help you out more. I hope everythingworks out .... Good luck K.
PS if you ever need to talk send me a message

I just would not ask either of them to babysit at all. I understand your frustration but you should not expect them to babysit...I sympathize with your pain & disappointment...I am sure you could check with your local red cross about certified babysitters who may be able to help you out.

I would advise that you only say something if it's going to be a heart to heart conversation. If you think it will turn into a huge blowout then see if your husband can talk to them about the situation. If he is not willing to do it then I would say forget it. You can't force anyone to watch your kids or feel the way you feel about them. It sucks that they are not willing to do it out of their own hearts and won't make things easier for you but in the end if you give up depending on them and look for someone else or just yourself you will be much happier. Good luck.

the only thing you can do is stop asking her and try to find a decent babysitter.. ask your friends who they use and see if they would mind if you called that person. good luck..

WOW! Lots of kindred soul with the ole mother in law! My mother in law has watched our two year old son a total of three times - and she lives in my INLAW APARTMENT! My mother actually will fly up from TX for the joyful opportunity to watch my son (who is very easy to deal with, as long as you aren't mama!!) and my mother in law is too busy to ever watch him. Then to add insult to injury, she complains that she misses him and doesn't get to see him enough. Needless to say, after biting all the way thru my tongue, I don't even ask her to babysit. What I did was scope the neighborhood kids to see if there was anyone old enough to watch Craig for a couple of hours here and there. When I saw a girl delivering the local paper I asked her a couple of questions, if she would be interested in a part-time gig and then gave her my phone number so I could speak with her mom. If you go to church that is a great network of babysitters. It worked out w/ the neighbor girl for a couple of dates and after seeing us pay someone else, my neice has decided she would like to babysit for us. Good luck and if I were you I wouldn't say anything at all to m-i-l UNLESS it is something about what a wonderful date you had the other night and what a gem your babysitter is and how lucky you were to find her!

HI--
FIRST I want to say you are amazing for going through all that you have and I will pray for your little one.

Second, I had horrible problems with my mnl and my husbands whole family--they seemed to not care at all and spend so much time with his sisters etc.

A shrink finally told me to look at it from my husbands stand-- they have probably treated him the same way all his life and me getting upset and bothered by it just makes it worse. He has learned to go on and not be all upset about it every time it happens and so I have to hold my tounge for my husbands sake so as not to make it worse for him. My mother in law is never going to change and your's probably wont either so it's better just to accept them for what they are --with many many faults and move on.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can do much about this. It would be your husbands place to speak with his mother about the way she treats you guys. It stinks that they can be so rude!

A.,

I'm sorry to hear about your son! That has to be so frightening!

Unfortunately, I have learned with our families that you can say things but rarely do they change. My husband tells me he waits for the day I let go of the fairy tale idea I have of our families being the involved, happy grandparents because all that happens is I end up disappointed and upset.

I don't know about your situation but my husband and I rarely do things without our children. Usually if they don't go it's because it's a situation where they can't but a night out to dinner, our anniversary, trips, whatever, we do them together. We actually prefer it that way. We do spend time together most evenings after the boys go to bed and find that our friends who had a set "date night" have for the most part managed to grow apart and are now separated. I almost think it has been healthier for us to have our time together often vs. a specific night a week. My husband is my best friend. :)

I hope things are going well for your family.

L.

A..

There is a reason for everything. Don't give them the benefit of your anger & frustration, which is just wasted energy on them. It sounds as if you have more on your plate where that energy can be well spent on. Believe me, I'm right there with most of the folks to tell them off/rip them a new one. But, its not going to change anything? They'll still do what they want to do. No..don't depend on them or make much effort. You get what you give in my world!

By the way, not sure where you live, but consider calling some colleges and/or hospitals in the nursing programs. Sometimes, they can put you in touch with nursing students, who might be willing to make a couple of bucks babysitting. Its worth a shot!

Good luck! And, will keep you in my thoughts!

Hi A.!! I have kind of the same situation. I hate my mother in-law. She is the devil herself when it comes to my daughter. My husband and I have been married for two years and dated for two years. I have a daughter from a prior relationship, my husband is adopting my daughter because he has been her daddy since day one anyway. We do have a son together though. So ofcourse my devil in-law treats my son like an angel and totally ignores my daughter. I have learned to live with it, I just ignore it now and I think my daughter does too. She doesn't even care. My daughter is only six and she realizeds it. My husband has talked to his mom and she still acts the same way....So girl, my only advice to you is just ignore and learn to live with it, because no one can be changed and just do not rely on them for anything....be happy with your family, you don't really need them anyway....

Good Luck!!

N.