How to Handle - Murrieta,CA

i get cold sores all the time (have one right now) , i kiss my baby, by boys, my hubby, we share the same chapstick, water bottles.....neither of the EVER gotten one.

Oh my that was my question. I hate that she does that. I got a bunch of people telling me no big deal. What is the harm? Its her grandmother. Well I bit my tounge a few times cause of all the responces and then I catch her giving my daughter who is 9 months old coffee. No that is not acceptable. So to all those who say no big deal its cause grandparents often think they can just do whatever they like. She would also do this when I belived she was sick. I don't like it and will not hold my tounge anymore as this is for my childs benifit and not cause I am trying to be mean. I belive you are old enough to understand that I am the parent and respect my wishes. She wants to act like a child then WHATEVER I don't care.

I answered your post about being obsessed to the point of exhaustion (YOUR words) about the possibility of medical illnesses and "what if's".
You admit you have issues with being paranoid. Now you're freaking out about cold sores.

Here is my second response to the other M. who was so concerned about her MIL having a cold sore.
I don't know what else to say on the subject other than you, yourself, getting some help with all of your worrying over things so much.

~You are still worrying about this?
Genital herpes and cold sores are not caused by the same virus.
I am, unfortunately, the queen of cold sores and shingles, in fact I was just hospitalized in December over it. I had pneumonia and shingles and the pain from shingles is the worst thing to manage.
Anyway, I will say it again......
Not ONE other person in my family has ever had a cold sore. Or shingles. I have two children whose diapers I changed, whose runny noses I wiped, who kissed me. I was intimate with my husband. I did daycare for years.
Not one other person in my life has ever gotten as much as a cold sore from being in contact with me. Even INTIMATE contact.

Can I ask YOU a question?
Is this about your fear of cold sores or is this about you thinking your MIL would actually risk spreading some type of infection to your daughter?
I understand concern. I'm a mother.
But, at what point are you going to allow yourself to stop worrying about this?
My family (and health care providers) have been exposed to me during the very worst parts of everything I've been through and not one has ever contracted anything from me.
AND!!!!!!!!!! I have never transferred anything to my own genitals, let alone anyone else's.
It's nasty stuff. And scary. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
But, I also happen to know it's not as easily spread as you are fearing or there would be a whole bunch of other people in my life walking around and suffering.
That simply isn't the case.
Being this worried, have you considered getting your daughter vaccinated against the chicken pox virus?
I'm not trying to get into a vaccine debate, but there is a vaccine.

I don't know what else to say to alleviate your fears.
I honestly, honestly think your baby is okay.
Really and truly.

No offense intended whatsoever. If you've had chicken pox, YOU might get shingles from worrying so much.
Seriously.
I think things are okay.

Hug your baby. Enjoy your day.
Very best wishes to you!

Honestly there is probably no way to "undo" this. Anyone that has a fever blister or a cold sore is usually extra cautious around kids. I get fever blisters all the time, when the weather changes no kidding, and neither one of my kids have ever gotten one or my husband. They are not as easily contracted as you think. I understand you have a germ thing but you just implied that your mother in law does not know how to handle herself or take care of your kids.
Here is the thing, your husband lived, grew up healthy apparently despite all the food sharing and ice cream licking. Apologize the best you can and just let the rest go.
PS most adults will lick a kids ice cream/Popsicle before it melts all over the kid and everywhere. I'v done it my mother does it, my MIL does it.

I totally agree with you. As I have taught my son we share toys and clothes but we never share food or drinks. I have a grand parent that likes to that with her other children but she knows that absolutely disgusts me so she makes her little comments and I just ignore her. Stand your ground, it is your child. My son is 8 and he will tell her all the time "we don't share food or drinks". I just smile.
On her cold sore, unfortunately I get those things too, but is usually caused by stress or I ran a mild fever at some point. But when I have them I am not kissing anyone....they hurt. I try to cover them up as much as possible. Tell her to look it up they are a type of herpies C or something like that. Yuck!

Chances are she knows not to kiss and to keep her hands washed. One of my best girlfriends gets a cold sore now and then, she hates it but does know that she has to be extra careful while she has one. Your MIL is probably taking the precautions but doesnt like you calling her out on it.... that's the way it sounds.

She's being overly emotional about it, and obviously didn't answer your question.... sounds like she did kiss them or whatever. But I wouldn't make a big issues out of it and just tell her you felt you had to mention it since they are so contagious.

By the way, a herpes cold sore is not like the std cold sores, so don't think of it like that if your kids get one. Your kids will probably get a cold sore in their lives anyways, it can be brought on by weather, stress, dental work the cold or flu, too much sun, as well as by saliva and such...:

http://www.newsweek.com/2008/05/12/is-a-cold-sore-an-std....

Yes, it is a big deal. As you saw. You really hurt her feelings. Apologize for it, tell her you know she would never hurt your daughter. Say whatever you need to say to get her forgiveness, then never say anything again.
She's fully aware of her cold sore, she will be careful. Praise God that you have such a wonderful MIL!

I don't think anyone I know of has passed on their cold sores. My friend has them frequently and they all use the same lip balm and share drinking bottles of water, etc...I think you have some OCD issues with germs and might need to address this in another way than freaking out over.

I would not lick the kids ice cream, I would turn it and have them do it or wipe it off but that's because I typically don't share drinks either. I started that one time after my adult daughter took a big drink out of my Dr.Pepper. I realized I had no idea where her mouth had been or what had been in her mouth...TMI, I know. Anyway, it grossed me out.

Man, that's a rough one to touch with a grandma that is apparently ignorant to how contagious cold sores are. I would tell her you are sorry and you don't mean to hurt her feelings but that you are sure she also does not want her grandchildren plagued with cold sores if she can help it. Send her one of the many links that talk about how contagious they are: http://ezinearticles.com/?When-Are-Cold-Sores-Contagious?...
Once she reads how easily it is to transmit the disease I'm sure she will be more careful in the future. Right now she is just hurt and probably embarrassed that she even has one, but who gave her hers I wonder? Her own M. or grandmother? Send her the above link and just let her know it's not a personal attack but a judgement call that you must make to protect your child whome you BOTH love.
It will work out. She's just upset right now. But handle this today and don't let it continue to cause bitterness between the two of you.

I hear where you are coming from. I am not a germaphobe but I am completely skeeved out about cold sores (the sores -- not the person who has them).

My only advice is to insist your husband deliver sensitive messages to his parents -- Whether he wants to or not. And then to NOT send your child there when a sore is imminent or visible.

I have a friend who gets them on occasion but you know what? She is super uber careful about prevention even when no outbreak is on the horizon. I totally dig that she is so honest with and caring of those around her.

This is not anything 'personal' against her.
But she took it personally.
That is why she is reacting that way.

This was a 'safety' topic, and about germs/contagiousness etc.
Common sense.
It was NOT personal, against her.

She, took it the wrong way.

You did NOTHING wrong.
I would have done the same thing.

Nothing you can do now but let things cool off.

I suggest in the future that you just don't have her watch the kids while she has an active cold sore. I was just talking to my gyn about the herpes virus a couple of hours ago, and how oral herpes can be transferred "down there," so it's best if your kids don't get it.

However, if they do happen to get it -- lots of people have it, so it's not the end of the world.

Hi! You know, you have a right to your feelings. Call her and be nice and calm and talk to her in person. You can't always tell the tone of an email and people can misunderstand what you are trying to say.

Bottom Line. Sounds like you just asked her if your daughter touched the darn cold sore/came in contact with it. I would just say in a matter of fact way: M., you know I love you (care about you.. fill in the blank) and I appreciate everything you do for me. I know we both want the best for the kids. I just didn't know if you knew cold sores were contagious and that I or hubby and I would prefer that we don't drink or eat after each other to help the kids stay well. (you can even insert that your doctor/teacher at school.. whatever has reminded you of this? whatever you need to do to reassure her ) If she gets all crazy about it again, just remain calm and hold your ground and remind her that of course you know she wouldn't do anything to harm the children and that you appreciate everything she does for you. And give it time to blow over.

You have a right to be concerned. I'm not sure you handled it in the best possible way, though. I can see how your MIL felt accused of doing something wrong when you really don't know if she did or not. I'm glad you told her you didn't mean to hurt her. If you didn't say the words "I'm sorry" you might consider doing that, just to make it clear. It's up to her to let it go after that; you can't make her get over it.

I don't know of a better way to handle it, though. I suppose you could have just talked to her privately about it, let her know your worries, etc kind of like you did after the fact. I don't know how old your kids are. Are they old enough that you could tell them to not kiss Grandma on the mouth when she has a cold sore, and not share spoons and stuff? Personally I think it's gross that she would lick their ice cream cones, but that's me.

Incidentally, I get cold sores. I think I was born with the virus because both my parents have it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't share drinks, etc with people anyway, but when I have a cold sore I try to be very careful and not kiss anyone or touch my cold sore and get the germs on my hands.

Okay the contagious time of a cold sore is in the beginning itchy stage before it becomes a scab. This is the stage in which you do not want to have anyone near the area. I have cold sores and have been getting them since I was 12, the doctor thought it was because I was allergic to the sun. I do get them, if I don't have Blitsex on my lips with 15spf on them. My M. gets them and she is never around her grandkids during that time and that is just a personal decision she has made. When I have a cold sore I don't kiss my husband where the cold sore is, or just don't kiss him at all. Again these are all precautions that I take. I get fever blisters if I have a fever, but usually you know when a cold sore is coming on and I get the medication and smother my lips with it before one can erupt.

You can give periodontitus by sharing things with kids. So there is alot that you can "share" without knowing it. I would just tell your mother in law that it is something that you have a problem with, which she already knows. As an esthetician we are not allowed to give facials to someone with a cold sore. There is a possibility of it spreading to the face. Now, I have never spread it to my face, but like I said these days you can never be to sure. If the medical field has that phobia, then that is my phobia. You are right to feel how you do. Don't let anyone tell you any different. You are better safe than sorry. So stick to your guns. There are certain things that shouldn't be shared and that is what you are trying to teach your kids, so the spread of germs is kept at a minimum. Good Luck. By the way I have never spread my cold sores to anyone either. That said doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. It's a virus that you can't get rid of.

I'm with you but I have a question for you: did you have a conversation with her or did you email her initially about your concerns? Sometimes a real conversation goes a lot farther than an email where people can't hear your voice inflections, tone, etc. I know it's easier to email difficult things, but I've found that when I've done so, it just makes the situation worse.

I completely agree w/ you, though; cold sore or not I don't want my child sharing food drinks with anyone!!

She may not know that Herpes simplex is contagious. Talk to her...gently.

Anytime you have a mouth sore of any kind there's things you should not do, my kids are grown now, but I would have freaked back in the day too. Cold sores are a form of herpes, but i have never hear of anyone getting a cold sore from another person. I have on occasions got them due to stress, my family nor any of my daycare kids have ever had one, I used very good hygene
not because i think they are contageous but they are gross. I'm sure this will blow over. I can see where she may have felt offended, but she will get over it. J.

Updated

Anytime you have a mouth sore of any kind there's things you should not do, my kids are grown now, but I would have freaked back in the day too. Cold sores are a form of herpes, but i have never hear of anyone getting a cold sore from another person. I have on occasions got them due to stress, my family nor any of my daycare kids have ever had one, I used very good hygene
not because i think they are contageous but they are gross. I'm sure this will blow over. I can see where she may have felt offended, but she will get over it. J.

Holy cow. She's a grown woman. I'm sure she realizes not to touch your kids with her cold sore. BTW, something like 90% of people have the cold sore virus.

You're right and I'm sorry your MIL is hurt and I hope she gets past it. I have facial herpes (not genital herpes) which I caught from kissing my husband when he had active cold sores. Doctor verified, folks. Now I don't think it's so easy to pass that you have to freak out about every touch but she shouldn't be kissing, licking or sharing utensils. You are not OCD. Ask your doctor.

And what's with the "dirty" stuff? There's nothing dirty about it. It's not the kind of herpes that is sexually transmitted, for heaven's sake. If you have it, outbreaks are usually initiated by sun, wind, trauma or stress. But it can be spread. She shouldn't touch it without washing her hands for her own sake. Ask a doctor. If she had strep throat would she kiss the kids and lick their ice cream?