How to Handle My B/f....

My husband and his mother have issues (bio mom and 5th or 6th husband, I can't remember what number she is on). Anyways, he doesn't want either of them around the kids (his mother is a peice of work in and of herself. He has no real issue with the husband other than he doesn't want to intruduce our kids to someone who in all likely hood will not stick around long- based on his mother's track record). So point being, these types of situations can get complicated. Our deal within our marriage is that he deals with his family and I deal with mine.

Your boyfriend knows these people better than you and he knows the ins and outs of the situation. These are his kids. If he doesn't want these people around them, I would roll with his wishes in this matter. The next time his mother contacts you I would be polite, but honest - "Tom is not comfortable with your husband. If you would like to work out arrangments to see our family, please call Tom so that the two of you can work out something you are both comfortable with. I would prefer to not get involved in making these arrangements."

Tom's mother is a grown up - she made choices and she has to live with them. If she wants to do things for/with the kids dispite the fact that her son does not want her husband around, she is making that decision knowing the facts. It is not like Tom is hiding his animocity towards the husband.

Refuse to be the middle man and let the chips fall where they may. When your kids ask questions, just tell them that sometimes adults have conflict and it can take time to work things out. When their Dad has worked out his issues with his mother, things might change. Until then, we have to be patient because we can't work this out for them. - or something to that effect. THe reality is that your kids will witness interfamily conflict (and hopefully resolution) no matter what, so make it a learning experience and show your kids that beingthe middle man does not help anyone.

Good luck!!!! This stuff is SO STRESSFUL!!!!!

Honestly I don't know why you would be asking this question AT ALL. From everything you wrote about this man your BF is right not to want him around your kids! LISTEN TO HIM! SUPPORT HIM!
And put your foot down! Tell you "MIL" that she is welcome without her husband. Period. No discussion. If her husband is going to be there, simply stay away and invite JUST HER back over for dinner another time.
Good luck.

Soooo not worth the drama. Tell everyone you're sorry, but your family (you, b/f, and kids) are staying home alone and doing taco night ;)

your b/f seems mean. you don't have to like everyone. What lesson is he teaching the kids for if they don't like someone at school or in life? cut them out, be mean and ignore them. Soemtimes we have to interact with people that we don't enjoy b/c people we love , love them. Unless he's hurting your children in some way I don't see why he can justify not interacting with him. I'm suprised his mom and family have put up with this behaviour and she still helps. IDK what i'd do, unless he had valid reasons I'd say i'm sorry but i'm bringing the kids to a family dinner, something they will remember for years, your mom won't be around forever and you'll regret doing something to make her so sad but i'm not going to. Imagine the strain he has to be putting on hr marriage, i would say any interaction you've had with the new husband cant be judged since obviously he would be rude when hes treated like a criminal

Have you ever told your bf and his mom exactly what you said here?

"I hate being the middleman between you and I always have to be. I don't know what to do anymore."

Say it to them both. When they're together. Without the husband there.

Tell them: "Tom, you want zero contact with this man. Tom's Mom, the man in question is your husband so you have a right (she does) to expect us to at the very least be civil to him and not to hurt you by excluding him. Zero contact and civility cannot co-exist. So the two of YOU need to work this out. I am not in the middle; it's up to the two of you to be adults, not needy mom and stubborn, inflexible boy."

Before you say that to them, though, be sure where you really stand. I'm not totally clear from your post. You say you dislike this man and give reasons why - but you do not go as far as saying "I never want to see him either and I also do not want him to meet our children, ever." You need to know how YOU feel on this so you do not end up being pushed around by both Tom and his mom -- which is what seems to be happening now.

Be prepared to say (IF this is how you feel): "I am not crazy about him but I AM willing to see him at larger family events like this, and I think it's OK if he meets our kids; he is not going to be babysitting them alone, we're not all spending a week together on vacation, this is just one holiday meal and we can all get through it and find something positive in it over those few hours."

Also, ask yourself if Tom is immature in other ways, because his stubbornness and complete inability to see any compromise here is frankly immature. He is very willing to risk alienating his mother for the rest of her life just to prove some point. Unless the husband is abusive or talks a stream of foul and vile language constantly, it's hard to tell a mother, I will never see YOU again because I hate HIM. That sounds a lot like jealousy, honestly.

I agree with a lot of the postings I've read. Let you BF's mother know, that she needs to talk directly to her son, not to you. I also agree, that you should support your boyfriend and if he doesn't want his children around them, don't go against him. If the table was turned, would you want him to support your decision?
Hope you can enjoy the holidays!

Did he ever say why he doesn't care for him? I see that you are not a fan yourself but maybe he should a) try to give him the benefit of the doubt; or b) stop accepting help from his Mom.

I wonder if she thinks that if she helps out, "Tom will eventually come around." It is not fair to take advantage of her generosity and then not 'give back' even by sharing a simple meal.
It is not fair to you to be in the middle but I think you need to take a firm position, either way, and stick with that. My husband and I struggle with one of my sets of parents so I certainly understand the frustration of the "step parent" and the spouse....not a fun position but chin up, take a stand and keep it moving! Sending happy thoughts, you CAN do this Mommy Cakes!

I think everyone has at least O. boorish relative that they tolerate--especially at the holidays.

I do, however think it's unfair to make your BF's mom choose between a holiday spent with her husband/mate of 15 years and her son and grandchildren.
I think if you had Thanksgiving and I were her, I would spend it with my husband...somewhere else.
Frankly, I'm surprised she has put up with this emotional blackmail for so long.
You don't list specifics of "why" your BF hates him...but if it's just a "personality clash", I think your BF is acting like a big, spoiled baby.
I guess all you can do is cook, make sure your BF is aware of who is invited and let everyone make their choice.
You're thankful for the help your BF's mom gives you guys, it seems normal to include her--and that means both of them.

I think you should go and if bf doesn't, it's his loss. I cannot believe that the mom has put up with her husband not being invited to family gatherings all these years. Whether you "like" him or not, he is a part of the family whether you (or your bf) like it or not. If he's not really done anything personally to you, it's just that you don't care for his personality, suck it up! You get to pick your friends, not your family! Bf needs to grow up!

The answer (for me) would be that you don't need to "handle" your boyfriend. You need to address his mom one time, and tell her that it is between your boyfriend and her(her husband). That you will not play the middleman game. It also sounds like you should stand by your man and defer to him on whether or not to go and be a part and/or include his mom's husband. Until such time that you are not in a relationship with your boyfriend other than being co-parents (i.e., you are not "involved" with him), if that time were to ever come.

I did not go back to read any prior posts to see if you cohabit with your boyfriend, but I am assuming that you do. And if you are one household, you should let your boyfriend deal with all "invitations" issued from his side of the family. Just like I would recommend if you were married. Any time there is conflict, the one who is related directly is the one who should address those issues. If you disagree with your boyfriend (it doesn't sound like you do, sounds like you would rather NOT have anything to do with the husband as well), then you would discuss/address that with your boyfriend within your household and then present a united front to everyone else.
If you do NOT share a household with Tom, then it puts you in a slightly different position. I probably still wouldn't go, but you would have to tell her that for yourself and not let Tom handle it on all of your behalves.

This is a tough situation. Given what you've said about Tom, have you thought about why you'd want to include him in your celebration? You have mentioned feeling caught in the middle, and I know I would feel the same, but is that reason enough to invite a man like this into your home? I believe that your bf has figured this guy out and made a decision and as awkward as it may feel to keep excluding Tom, it isn't your job to fix this. If you feel that Tom has some redeeming qualities than you can discuss those with your bf in a way that doesn't push an agenda. Maybe over time there will be a change of heart, stranger things have happened. Ultimately though, don't sacrifice your bf's trust for this man. Trust and honesty are more important than having what looks like a Norman Rockwell holiday. Good luck and have a good Thanksgiving.

Tell Tom's mother she needs to talk to him herself, period. If you guys aren't comfortable around the new husband (which, who could blame you if he's everything you've described him to be) then don't go. You definitely shouldn't go without your boyfriend though, that should never even have entered your head as an option. Seriously though, if the guy is a sexist, pushy, ignorant jerk he doesn't sound like someone you'd ever want around your children either so take Tom's lead & just leave it be.

After reading some of the other responses I must agree. I think you need to support Tom on this.

And if the man is abusive-do you really want him around your children? Do you trust him around your kids? Trust your gut. If you say no, then either he can't be a part of the evening and your boyfriend's mom can come or they both can do Thanksgiving elsewhere. Or if you guys are going to them, have your own dinner elsewhere.

I know it's hard to say that because you like his mom and she has helped you guys out a lot but this isn't just about you and Tom. This is about your kids as well and what is best for them.

I personally wouldn't want them to be around a man like him.

I know you feel like you are in the middle and maybe you need to say something to the mother. Explain how you guys feel and that you appreciate all the help that she has given you guys but neither one of you can be around her husband. And if she doesn't like that then she can take it up with her son not you.

My thoughts are if this man is still (and he probably is) in any way physically and/or emotionally abusive to anybody, then your children should not be exposed to that. I feel you should support Tom.

Honestly? I think, as a good wife & mother of 2 kids, you need to back your DH up on this. You only know what your DH has told you about this guy, and you may not even know the whole story. What you wrote here is bad enough for me feel that your DH is justified in his wishes. He is a man protecting his family.

What do you do? You get back on your partner's side, and stop allowing yourself to be the referee in the middle. Tell his mom that she needs to discuss any issues with her son, not you. Tell her that while you love her, YOU and your DH cannot allow her awful, abusive H around your children, and that is just how it's going to be. My guess is that she'll choose her abuser, but sometimes this is how it has to be.

I guess I'm wondering why you seem to be more on your MIL's side than your own DH's. You should both be a team, and back each other up, end of story. You don't have to like it, or agree with it, but I really think you need to respect your DH's wishes on this, as it sounds like he has just reason.