How to Handle Reality Vs. Pretend

I guess I'm the only person who thinks its okay to tell her that they are real, if that's what she wants to hear. She still believes in Santa and the tooth fairy, so why not?

Childhood only lasts for a short time. Let her dream and pretend, imo

I think it depends on why you think she's asking and what you think is important. Often, when they ask, they already know or suspect. But sometimes they don't - they're just making a list! And of course we always tell kids that monsters and ghosts (whatever they're afraid of) aren't real.

But you've also got the problem of her running around the preschool telling everyone that X and Y aren't real. That might be okay with superheroes but it's going to cause problems if she says that about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. (We're Jewish and never had Santa or the Easter Bunny come to our house, but I sure didn't want my kid to be the one who burst other kids' bubbles! So be careful before you start down that road.

I do think you can put it back on her and ask what she thinks. I think it's okay to talk about why people believe in superheroes - because they want the good guys to win over the bad guys, they want someone who is strong when they feel weak, and so on. Look around at the heroes we have in everyday life. You don't want your kid thinking she can fly like Superman and decide to jump out of a tree, but you don't want her afraid all the time either because she feels vulnerable and unprotected (as any child would).

Have you read the story that's going around about what to do when a kid asks about Santa? Google it, but the gist is that the parent first asks the kid what she thinks, but if the kid persists in saying Santa is make-believe, then the parent takes the kid out for hot chocolate or lunch and says, "You're now old enough to BE the Santa instead of getting from Santa, and that means doing for others and helping others younger than you to enjoy Santa as you always did." So you might pursue, in an age appropriate way, what she admires about this hero or that one, ask why those powers might be important, and ask in what ways we humans can be a little more superhero-like in our daily lives. You'll do that in a different way at 4.5 than you will at 6 and 9 and 12, but you get the idea.

You can also ask your children's library staff (the most underutilized resource in any community) for some books that help kids get through these transitions from fantasy to reality. Those might help you, and might help your child.

I think it's also okay to look at her favorite books and point out that they are fiction but totally enjoyable. Dr. Suess characters don't really exist, but don't we love the stories anyway? Don't we love Winnie the Pooh even though bears don't talk and don't have friends who are piglets and kangaroos? Don't we learn something from the way they all get along together? Do we play dress-up and pretend to be dinosaurs or queens or grown-ups, and is that all bad? You see where I'm going with this.

Good luck!

To me it they're asking, they already kind of know. It can be confusing to them, so my feeling would be - be honest. No they're not actual, they are a character like in a book.

When my eldest came to me and said a boy at school told him that Santa wasn't real, I said "What do you think?" and he said "Santa's real of course!". So I just said "There's your answer".

When he doubted it himself and asked me straight up if he was, I was honest. That was about a year or two later.

Knowing that Spiderman is make-believe isn't going to scar her for life. Tell her the truth.

because i myself don't see a cut-and-dried line between them, i'm fine with discussing that with a child, as deeply as THEY want to go.
maybe it's because i'm so involved with myth, which i consider to be far more important than dull dry tangible fact. i have co-religionists who are obsessed, say, with whether or not Odysseus was ever an actual king of an actual Ithaka. putting a meat suit on him and devolving him to marital spats when he finally got back to Penelope sucks all the juice out of the myth, for me.
rather than tell her anything, i'd explore HER explorations with her by asking her questions. the world is very black and white for 4 year olds, and that's okay, but i also don't consider it *dishonest* to introduce a little delicious ambiguity into their thinking. not to the point where they're afraid of factual existence and unable to discern fact from fiction, but just enough to let them continue with the brilliant, beautiful childhood ability to comprehend that not everything lies within the province of the 5 senses.
so this conversation doesn't have to be a single one where you either 'fess up and break her heart, or continue to string her along with soothing lies. superheroes have been with us since we sat around fires in caves, grunting and gnawing on mastodon legs. so while superman 'exists' only in cartoons and people in costumes, there's a deep need within us for a being who embodies virtue and goodness. obviously you don't want to go into archetypes and subconscious motivations with a pre-schooler, but you can help her find her own evolving path that WILL have rude awakenings but doesn't need to shatter her illusions and leave her bereft. help her come to her own conclusions.
khairete
S.

If they are old enough to ask they are old enough to get an honest answer.

Tell your daughter the truth. It's really simple.

Spiderman and Superman are characters that were made up in comic books.

We have people that act those characters in movies

Be honest. It's important for kids to understand the difference between real and pretend. It might be upsetting for her in one sense, but when she sees her first movie with a superhero in it, and that superhero gets hurt (or when anyone in the movie gets hurt), if she gets upset, you can use this to remind her that it's not real.

One of mine (age 6) still asks me if certain things "are in real life" when he's not sure. If you don't tell her now, when will you tell her? At what age will you be honest? If you don't start with honesty now, she'll be totally confused - and probably even more upset - later.

Unless you want her to think lying is okay then yes, you need to be honest. She does understand that what she sees on tv is not real right? If not she needs to.

I would bet that on some level she already knows, that's why she is asking. She thinks they aren't real, and is looking to you for confirmation one way or another. How you handle it is up to you.

Are you ready to debunk Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny? If you tell her superheroes aren't real, those questions might come up.

It's ok to tell the truth, but it's 0k not to. Developmentally, 4.5 is still at that age where they believe in these things, so it's really ok to wait awhile before before gently telling her the truth. Personally, I'd wait another year or two before bursting her bubble. There's no harm in it. 4 year olds need things to believe in anyway.

Please, please be honest. We do our children no favors about telling them superheroes are real.

Listen, your child will perhaps be momentarily upset, but really, what is the other side of this? Tell her they are real and then she gets laughed at for believing something most other kids KNOW is not real? Then she'll be confused because you lied to her. No one should lie to their kids, (although I will make an exception for Santa; my son has decided to keep that one going. But believe me, in his heart of hearts he KNOWS.) Finding out from peers that she's been lied to will be far more upsetting and devastating than getting the truth from a person who should be a reliable source. If she's old enough to ask the question, she wants to know. Do the right thing-- be honest.

Oh my goodness, I was big into superheroes and fairy tales too but of course I knew they weren't real. Would you really want her thinking she could jump off of a roof and fly because she "believed" it was possible? Of course not! Please teach her the difference, it doesn't need to be heart breaking, these are characters in stories, not real people. Tell her they are REAL characters, created by REAL writers, and that is a wonderful thing. Fantasy is a great emotional and creative outlet. Maybe even encourage her to create (draw, write or act out) her own superhero.

I truly don't get some of the responses. Since when is playing make believe with your kids the same as LYING to them? Don't we all tell our kids they can be whatever they want to be if they put their minds to it? We all know not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc.

I don't see a problem at all with you keeping on the spirit of the real versus pretend. Of course she can't go fly off of a roof, only Super Man can do that - it's his job. I mean if you don't do this stuff, does she ask about Mickey Mouse? Do you tell a 4 year old Mickey is a fraud?

Just have fun with her - turn her questions around on her and see what she's thinking about the subject. But please, let her be a kid. You are not LYING to her by letting her have a fun childhood with make believe characters.

In child care we know that pretend play is one of the MOST important things children can do. Please research pretend play and then see how much it accomplishes in their brain development and social development.

You can make your mind up about when to answer that they are just movies and not real later on.

I would respond by asking her what she thinks. That's what I do whenever my kids ask me a question that I don't know how to answer (or don't want to answer). It has given me a lot of insight into what and how they think. I think you can also point out real "super heroes." We have a local store that has signs up reserving spots for "super heroes"--fire fighters, active military, veterans, law enforcement. Keep all of the conversations on her level and let her lead the conversations. I learned early on that I have a tendency to talk too much and reveal too much. It's best to let her do most of the talking.