How to Motivate a Lazy Teenager

I agree with Jennifer...let him fail.

Basically you have 2 choices: Prop him up for highschool, and then let him blow a whole quarter/semester at college ($ Ouch!!$) figuring it out, or let him figure it out now.

Let him oversleep, and have to catch the metro or walk or miss school. DO NOT write a note excusing it. Let him absolutely tank for a quarter grade wise. Let him know you're going to do this, and why, and stick to it.

If the school calls, be more than willing to conference. And here's you line: "We're teaching him to take responsibility now, while he's at home, rather then waiting until he's left home and then crossing our fingers. Anything that you set up with him, needs to be with HIM. We're extremely interested, and would like to be kept appraised, but these are lessons HE needs to learn. Better repeat the 10th grade, and then ace 11th & 12th on his own merits, than for us to. We've already been to highschool. He's SO capable of doing this, we're not going to cheat him by doing it for him."

I also have to second having a list of SPECIFC chores and expectations that get checked off daily in exchange for sports/friends/what have you. That way you've put the ball firmly in his court, again.

There's also something cool that can be done with teenagers. That's the Overnight Planning Trip. That's where you get to have one-on-one time talking about dreams, researching paths, & pre-reqs FOR those paths. Highschool is very very very ethereal. Use that overnight to take the vagueness out of it and start achieving/working for those dreams and goals we all have. These days, all you HAVE to have is internet access. 10 years ago you had to do a lot more planning in advance...getting course catalogues, trade & tech school catalogues, the big book of internships, and you could STILL end up on the phone trying to figure out if there's a way to rob banks for a living that's legal. (There IS btw). Nowadays nearly EVERYTHING is online...and you don't have to horrify the switchboard operators at KEY & BOA & Wells Fargo.

Best of luck to all of you!

As George Carlin once said ... use a golf club.. if you threaten to beat him with it he'll get up and get moving! LOL Just kidding... I do have a sick sense of humor.

I was a middle school teacher prior to having my son. I have learned that some of the students have motivation instilled in them at a young age, some have it intrisically and others have to learn it my the school of hard knox. Sounds like your son might have to be the hard knox student. As much as it kills you to have to let him fail, you might have to. As far as household chores, create a list of the things that he normally is "assigned" to do, then sit down with him and explain that this is what is expected of him as part of the family. If he CHOOSES not to do his part that he will miss out on the things that he wants to do. I'm sure that age 14 he is wanting to hang out with his friends each weekend... keep documented proof of his actions and if he misses anything during the week, don't come down on him at that moment. Just document how many times you had to come behind him and take care of his responsibilities. Then when it comes to the night/day that he wants to do something point out that you had to do this, that and the other... and that he is not permitted to do what he wanted because you had to cover it.
Hope this helps.

Love the responses so far!! Great advice.

I just wanted to share what I saw at a friend's house recently. She has a 13 yr old boy, and much like your son he was very lazy and made excuses. She's a teacher so this was odd for her, all her other kids are very good students and she's not done much different with them all.

But, for each kid in the kitchen there was a sheet on a clipboard. Every one has assigned chores, including homework assignments...even the 5 yr old girl. If at the end of the day the list isn't full of checks, you lose points for the week. At the end of the week, you lose privelages based on your points earned of lost. Plus, you get the joy of explaining why your homework isn't done.

She implemented this with her teen boy because he failed an entire semester of Math and Science, and the younger kids felt left out so they asked for sheets too!!

At any rate, I think no matter what kind of structure you provide like others said, some kids just have to learn the hard way. He had to go to summer school and she made no excuses for him. Now, he makes sure he gets all his homework done and so on. He missed summer camp, guitar lessons and finally going to Disneyland with his school group before it finally caught up with him.

Let your son learn accountability, and don't be his crutch.

Good Luck.

Hi E.,

Send him to summer school, if his school still has it with the budget cuts. If not, there are lots of educational enrichment programs out there. Make him pay for it himself. I threatened a summer of handwriting classes for my 10 year old early in the year and showed him the program. It is amazing how quickly his writing became neat and legible. We still have organization and neatness issues I plan on conquering this summer.

I agree too your son has to stand on his own merit. I think that our country spends too much time on self esteem and not enough on self respect. You are not hurting your son's feelings by making him accountable. The light bulb won't click if you don't pull the switch.

C.

Read the book "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Amazon sells it for about $12 paperback. It is an enjoyable, easy and quick read that can help you change how you communicate with your son and may support him in changing his behavior.

When parents get in the habit/routine of scolding or butt-kicking, our children don't learn to take personal control or power of their own lives. So, I say to let him be and change yourself by creating an environment where he wants to do stuff and be motivated by the fun he sees his family have. Set up the family peer pressure that "we are a team and that means no one gets left behind and everyone contributes." A good book for your son to read would be Sean Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" http://www.seancovey.com/teens.html

Also, know that in adolescence, children behave like 2 year olds because they are physically and psychologically going through a rough transition. Give your son the support he needs for that light bulb to switch on. Be patient and loving and understanding with him. Continue to have those high expectations and let him know daily that you believe in him and his potential and that neither you not your husband has or will give up on him.

Take Care,
F.

Hi E.:
You have to Appreciate your sons honesty.If you listen very carefully,to his comments,hes sending you a hidden message.He needs guidance.He needs to be pushed a little,and made accountable for his actions,or the lack of.When my oldest was a teen,I use to have to go in every morning and literally (drag him out of bed)I'd call for him,then go in and stir him a little,only to have to go back in and raise it an octave.The fouth time I'd yank off the blankets,the fifth,I'd grab him by the legs and drag him onto the floor!!I was so fed up,I went out, bought him an alarm clock,and said "Here, your going to get your own butt up from now on" Unbelievable....from that day on,he got up without a squeak out of me! What the?? Sometimes E.,we're our own worst enemy.Sometimes,we could have saved ourselves a lot of frustration,with one simple gesture.Sit down with him and his siblings,and give all of them some age appropriate responsibilities.Then ask them,what they think the consequences should be for not following through.Let them come up with it. Have them all sign the agreement,and post it.When ever one has a privilege taken away,simply point to the agreement they made with you. How can they argue or be mad at themselves? "giggle"I wish you and your growing son the best.J. M