Hi moms - I'm back for some more great advice. I have a 7-year-old daughter who is in 2nd grade - we have tried for some time to get her to do simple age-appropriate household chores like picking up her room, taking her laundry downstairs, putting her clean clothes away, etc. We don't give her anything to do that is above her ability and any of the chores could be completed in less than 10 minutes start to finish.
At first we tried the "just do it because we said so" method - which was promptly met with strong resistance and absolute Chernobyl-worthy meltdowns with crying, sobbing, drama, etc. After doing some research both on here and on the web, I thought that perhaps she would be more amenable to a system of positive reinforcement so we tried the House Fairy. (For those of you who are unfamiliar, the House Fairy makes unscheduled/surprise visits to check on things like clean rooms, chores done, etc. and kids are rewarded with surprises from the HF for maintaining clean rooms, doing their chores, following parents' instructions without talking back, etc.) Her response to the HF was "I'll clean my room tomorrow" or "Can you tell her to come back later?"
So I went back and did some more research and decided that a chore chart with a point system might be just the thing. It lists everything that can be done to earn points, including regular daily chores, higher point weekly chores and even ideas for earning extra points. It's now been three weeks and it means absolutely nothing to her...she just doesn't care about any of it. Even with the bigger rewards available like dinner out, toy shopping and going to see a movie aren't enough to entice her to do anything other than what SHE wants to do on a daily basis. (What she wants to do is play...) So what am I doing wrong here? How do you motivate a kid who doesn't want to be motivated? How do you impress on her the importance of contributing to the household and that everyone has to do chores to keep things running smoothly and make the house nice for everyone to enjoy? Believe me, I don't have any problem putting my foot down and making her do things but surely there's an easier way that is a bit more peaceful? I'm desperate for ideas here if anyone has any words of wisdom! Thx!
As always, awesome advice - thank you! I'm going to implement some of the things suggested here and see what happens. And to clarify her school behavior, she is a fantastic, enthusiastic and happy student who does extremely well in class. She will do things in class to get rewarded (they use a couple of different systems where the kids can earn beads/vouchers to trade in for stuff) so I know she's aware of how it works...but evidently she doesn't want to use it at home. So we're going to have a little family meeting and get things back on track! :)
What does she absolutely love to do??? There has to be something!... Well, take that away from her! And when you take it away, take it for a week. Then see if she does her chores. Same thing happened with my 9 year old son last year and the only thing that I could think about was his football. He carries it everywhere ( He loves football!) and he was sooo good when I took it for a week. He gave me a big hug when he saw it again!
I have found that at that age they do a lot better with chores if they are doing them with mom. Fold clothes, clean the kitchen, pick up the bedroom etc. Something about doing it alone seems to make them balk - even with presents/activities as a reward. Also, no TV until the job is done worked with mine - or "we can't go to the store" until the job is finished.
Try treating her in like manner for things that she expects you to do. Whatever her request is, ask her if you could do it tomorrow or next week. Tell her you don't feel like it right then and that you're tired, etc. Perhaps she'll see the necessity of everyone doing their part in order to NOT live in chaos.
You could try letting her pick the jobs and rewards that go on the chart so it's more her idea. Or find tasks that are related to something she's interested in.
I really wanted my son to do the job of clearing the kitchen table for dinner. I can't do it while I'm cooking, and most of the stuff left on the table is his. But eventually I gave up. I have settled for just asking him to move 1 thing, and living with the rest. I still involve him in household tasks, but not telling him it's a "chore". He loves machines, so I will ask if he wants to press the start button on the washing machine- to him that's a treat. He can be very helpful with big "exciting" projects such as steam mopping the kitchen floor, replacing a light switch, sorting all the recycling, even helping at the food bank, but I don't count on him to be responsible for everyday consistent chores such as feeding pets.
i think you have tried every "nice mom" trick in the book. i'm afraid the problem might be that at 7 she has been allowed to slide by this long. my almost-4 year old does chores just fine, because he's been doing them since about 2. he now feeds the dog and cat all by himself, helps with laundry and cooking, emptying and loading the dishwasher. of course i help with some of these things. but the point is that he does them. honestly, i would start discipline. she shouldn't have to be bribed, she shouldn't have to be coerced or "convinced". she needs to do it, like you said, because you said so! you will have to put up with the tantrums and stick to your discipline, whether it is time outs or taking away privledges, whatever you use. but if she's not used to doing chores, yes, she will put up a fight. and as you know a 7 year old can put up quite the fight. you just have to outlast her. good luck!
Take away the things that she does enjoy...and then have a good discussion as to why they were taken away.
Love and Logic has a great solution to this problem. First, sit down and explain to her that everyone in the family is important and their help is needed to run the house. You can list of some examples of who takes care of what to illustrate the point. Then let her know you expect her to carry her load, and if she doesn't, and you have to do her work, you might not be able to do the extras for her like drive her to a friend's house, etc.
For example, if she was supposed to make her bed but didn't do it, then you ask her to and she says no, the next time she needs something like a ride to a friend's house, supplies for a project at school, help with something, you tell her, with sincerity, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I would really like to help you with that/take you there/pick that up for you at the store, but I'm just wiped out from all the extra chores I had to do like making your bed. I'm going to lie down for a few minutes and rest." She will learn that she is able to make her own decisions and that those decisions have consequences. It might take some patience on your part, but the opportunity will present itself. The book does a MUCH better job of explaining, but that's the general idea.
When you figure this out, I want to know. My daughter is 10 and she is a pig through and through. The things she does is so outlandish. She does NOT get these behaviors from me. Unfortunately, all my daughters have bad habits and 3 of them are grown up now. My mother and my husband have terrible habits too. Sometimes I just want to scream.
What I really hate is the times when no one will ever take responsibility. I can clean the floor in front of the fridge every hour on the hour! My family will sneak in there, eat standing at the fridge and drop stuff all over the floor. They put leftovers in the fridge open and let it get spilled. I have tried chore charts, paying them, lecturing, and more than a few meltdowns of my own.
Little kids are so easy. When they are small enough I just don't feed them until the messes are cleaned up. But eventually, they reach an age where they'll sneak behind your back and do what they want. It's exhausting.
I think she is still very young and asking her to do something Now for a treat in a few days or at the end of the week is maybe just hard for her to grasp right now....not that she isn't smart, she just isn't interested...make it more appealing to get her into the swing of things...If she does xyz now then she gets a special dessert after dinner or if she does xyz now, then she gets 30 minutes of tv time...so much of what are kids take for granted wan't even an option when we were kids! There wasn't cartoons on 24/7, we weren't allowed to tie up the house phone or heaven forbid have our own cell phones, kids didn't have over scheduled activities...I think what you are doing is GREAT, I just think if you switch up the response time on her being rewarded before long she will see the Benefit to helping out then you can work towards something that will happen over time, or by gaining points etc.
So much luck to you, you are a nice momma = ) My kids are not given a choice....they are just told do this now...mine are 3, 9 and 14.
I think the true issue lies in your opinion that she is "unmotivated".
She's not lacking motivation, she's lacking discipline. She knows that she has you by the strings.....& she's yanking them!
Time to take charge. & you can do it without raising your voice. As soon as she cycles into her "noncompliance mode".....hold up your hand (like a stop sign) & say, "STOP. You have a choice. You may choose to listen to my directions ....or you may.....(whatever your punishment/restriction is). It is as simple as that. What is your choice?" If she does not immediately make her choice, count out loud "1, 2, 3". If she makes it to 3 without making her choice, then it's immediately time for you to follow thru on the punishment. Give her 10 minutes......or wait until she is ready to move on.... & make your request again. After cycling thru this process a few times, she'll get the picture & realize you mean business.
& to get this system in place, you need to have a family conference. By explaining to your daughter the changes you are implementing & what is expected of her, you are offering her the opportunity to perform & achieve at her age level. Explain how the system works, & what happens when your hand/stop sign goes up.....it is a clear visual aid for her to stop her actions & to listen to you. Make sure she understands that if she does not comply, then there will be a punishment. (I highly recommend you use timeout on her bed....for this!)
I truly believe this will help you. It is clear she does not respond to positive reinforcement. AND this system works great with all ages.....even with toddlers.....if you get it into place. Sometimes I even use it on my husband- only I'm the one who goes into timeout.....by finding that quiet time just for me - rather than arguing!
Perhaps I am a bit strict on my 3 year old, but I do not "reward" her for doing chores...age appropriate of course. She's expected to remove her plate from the table after a meal and take it to the sink...nothing in return. I would really suggest reading a love and logic book or conscious discipline. I have found both to be WONDERFUL...not that I don't still get met with challenges, but it helps us handle them without threats, physical discipline or yelling. She has responded very well.
Well just keep trying.
She is old enough.
There is also a good book called "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman, which has some real good tips. It is easy to read.
The thing is, she is ALSO old enough to learn: that she is a PART of a FAMILY... and in order to be a PART of a FAMILY... she has to take part in it. It is not an 'option.'
I tell my kids that and teach them that.
My son, who in only just recently turned 4, will even tell me if I did not put something away "Mommy, you didn't put away the newspaper... we're family... we all help..."
Your daughter, and I have a 7 year old too... can learn.
You just teach them. Don't use rewards or treats... some things, household responsibility, just is. I tell my kids, getting a reward for everything is not the point. It is being responsible. And we are ALL a part of the family... and they can choose to be a part of that or not.
If not, then they can't expect "me" to be their 'slave' either. Because I am not.
Also though, my kids are kids. So, I don't expect them to be like me in terms of how 'perfectly' they do a chore or something. I just tell them to 'try your best..." and that is fine. One time my daughter told me she didn't want to do a chore... because she was afraid she didn't know how or not do it perfectly enough... and then Daddy would scold her or make her do it all over again. So... there is that side to it too.
Next, she is 7 and in 2nd grade... how the heck is she managing that? How is she IN school? Does she even get her homework done? Is that another issue too?
all the best,
Susan
I agree with some of the moms here in saying she has to earn her play time. If she does not do those daily chores then she does not get to play.
My three year old already helps clean the bathroom, put laundry in washer/dryer, feeds goldfish, etc. and does it without complaint. My older step-kids never were made to do chores until they lived with us. They did poorly in school and around the house.
Recently I put the teens that were still in high school on a schedule. They have to earn their "free time" by going to school on time every morning, getting the bus home, doing their chores, 2 hours of homework and THEN they have free time (usually 6pm and after is free time for them).
Also with that is being disrespectful. Not to say your daughter is doing that, but if she is that also loses privileges. When my 3 year old is disrespectful she gets a time out or loses her juice for a while (she loves juice). That usually straightens her attitude up. Find something that the loves and make sure she knows she needs to earn that. At 7 I imagine you can sit her down and talk to her about your expectations and she should be able to understand cause and effect.
Good Luck!
Late response here - I just wanted to say my gratitude for your post is immeasurable! I have a 6y/o boy that is exactly like your daughter.
Even when there is a BIG reward, he will reluctantly do as little as possible to earn it...complaining the whole way. Ugh!
Bookmarking this post and trying some suggestions as well.
THANK YOU!
I would suggest that you start doing the chore with her (just make sure you don't end up doing all the work). After she gets used to doing it it will be easier and more natural to do it by herself (since she's already used to doing it anyways). Also introduce one chore at a time - it's quite overwhelming for a child who wasn't reasonsible for any chores, to suddenly have a few things to do.
Keep on with the positive reinforcement.
Good luck!
Oh, can I relate! I have four sons and all of them are so different! Two of the boys help around the house so willingly and the other two NEVER seem to want to help! We have done many of the ideas you have tried too. I have simply determined that each one is different and that I have to take a "no-nonsense" approach with the other two. There is certainly complaining and the jobs take them at least twice as long if not longer, but we still make them do their jobs. If they do a poor job (which happens sometimes), my husband and I make them redo the task. It is frustrating to realize that not everyone has the same natural work ethic, but we tell the boys, if you choose to put effort into the chore the first time and just do it right, you would be done so quickly. Easier said than done sometimes! Both of my "least motivated chore boys" would rather play as well, but we have a responsiblity as parents to teach them a good work ethic so we do so. It is almost NEVER easy to get them to finish their chores, but in the long run hopefully, they will learn that everyone has a role to play in making a house run efficiently. They will probably never be "excited" about helping out; that is simply part of their personalities; however, they will learn (I hope!!!) that everyone has to pull their load in order to have a happy household.
Best wishes! If you discover a "sure-fire" method to instill energy and a "fight-free" way to get chores done, I'd love to know it!
