My husband, daughter (8 with autism), and myself live next door to a single mom with a 10 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. All of them used to play with each other because both families were playing through a third family for which moved away. There was never a problem. I watched all of the kids since the other parents did not have a kid with autism. One time one of the other moms offer to give me a break. I should not have consented, but I did. During that playtime one of the boy 1 was pulling down my daughter's pants and grabbing her hand and arm. Boy 2 (of the neighbor for which I am speaking) was pulling her arm/hand. I was immediately informed that her son was to blame and he apologized. However, the mom was not certain if the other boy should be to blame. I took her word for it. Apparently my daughter was scared to tell me that the other boy should be blamed (she told me later -she is verbal and high functioning). My daughter hid her feelings to herself for a couple of days. She finally let her feelings out. While I was in the bathroom, my daughter ran out the door, and drew in sidewalk chalk over their storm door and on their car (completely washable). This scared mom. My daughter has not been allowed to play with even her daughter which had nothing to do with it. (I still want my daughter to play with the boy 2 who bullied her because I feel that boy 1 riled up boy 2 and normally would not bully another child). I tried to speak to mom. She ignores me when I leave her a message or knock at the door. This hurts me to no end. I know I can't force kids to play with each other, but my daughter now has no one to play with. They are next door neighbors and just should play with each other. It does not matter if she is different. It's like the neighbor does not want to even try to get to know her. We knew how to interact with boy 1 and his sister (who was always kind to my daughter) and knew how to interact with the children and was allowed to reprimand boy 1 when he was naughty. It hurts. Sorry it just does. It's stupid. Let kids be kids.
No just because they are neighbors doesn't mean they should play together. The other mom doesn't want to be involved in this friendship and that's her choice. You need to let it go and move on. Yes they use to play together when a 3rd family was involved. Now things have changed. So stop over thinking this, put it in the past and move on.
My 8 year old son has Autism (also very high functioning), and though it hasn't been easy, I have learned to appreciate the people who get it and who appreciate him anyway and just not worry about the people who can't seem to deal with it. If it helps, I've learned that more often than not, people are accepting and understanding, even supportive!
It's not easy!!! At all! Our son has impulse control issues, and there have been times when he has gotten upset and hit or push or kicked or even bitten another child! I feel horrible when this happens. It's always been at school or at daycare or at Sunday school and usually when something has been different. He thrives on routine.
You can't make this mom understand. You can't make her be friends with you or let her kids play with your daughter. You just can't. She isn't ok with it for whatever reason, and the only way you could ever change her mind is to just live your life and hope she notices that you guys are good people and might be fun to hang out with.
It would be great if your daughter had neighbors to play with, but if it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen. Move on and find other friends for her to play with. Not every kid plays with their neighbors, and that's ok.
Of course this upsets you. I'd be hurt, too. It's ok to be hurt and upset, but for your own sake and for your daughter's sake, you have to move on.
Wait! You WANT your daughter to play with boys who assaulted her?! What kind of mother are you?! I'm sorry, that sounds harsh but that's what I walk away with from this rambling post.
You WANT your daughter to play with the boys that assaulted her. No. Not only NO but HECK NO!!
I would ignore you too. Stop stalking her. Stop trying to work this out. She's not ready. Your daughter vandalized her home. Your daughter was assaulted in her home. The common denominator is your daughter. I would not want your daughter in my home again either.
No. Just because they are neighbors does NOT mean they should play together. Stop believing that and you will adjust just fine.
It's not something you can force.
It's always a good idea to have a wide circle of friends and she won't always have neighbors to play with.
Get her involved in an activity where she can make new friends and then do play dates with them.
As for the neighbor being spooked by the chalk - I guess she just can't cope with it.
As much as it hurts you, she has cut you and your daughter off and you just have to move on.
No, just because the are neighbors does not mean they should play together. Let this go. Invite over another friend to play with her on a regular basis. I personally would not want my kid to play with two boys who pulled down her pants and assaulted her. Nope. Don't try to speak to the other parents anymore...they do not want to build bridges at this point. You know...my 7 year old daughter doesn't have autism but there are neighbor kids who she does not like and will not play with. And I respect that. And the boy who lives next door who is only 1 year older does not like my daughter. He does not want to play with her. It's a shame since we are neighbors but I don't push it. It's just called life. Have your daughter play with and focus on the kids who DO like her and ARE allowed to play with her. So you have to set up playdates because they are not in the neighborhood...that's just how it is sometimes.
maybe shes afraid her son has learned bad habits from the other boy (the one that pulled your daughters pants down.) and is trying to avoid a repeat of that situation. maybe she knows her son was to blame and cant face you for it.
i would schedule palydates with school friends or go to a public park and make new friends. seems that this one neighbor is not really worth it.
Our kids were friends with some neighbor kids. There were a few incidents and we thought it was best to just take a break for a while.
I'd just give them some space. How many times have you reached out? When did this happen?
Your daughter was upset (understandably) but her kids might be too. Time is good.
ETA: ok read through the responses. I too found this hard to read and only now did I realize her son was also restraining your daughter. I had thought he had simply observed it.
I would let this go. Not a good fit.
I agree that the post was hard to read, but I do understand that a couple of boys pulled your daughter's pants down, which is serious. I do not understand why would you want your child to play with one of the boys again, or his sister after an incident that could have ended really bad. First, your concern is mostly about YOU wanting her to keep playing with these kids, but not with your daughter's safety or well being. Second, kids neighbors are not obliged to play with our children, and much less after an incident like this. They were not "naughty"; they did something wrong, period.
I'd suggest you to stop trying to resume their play time; the boys' moms must be feeling really upset or uncomfortable with the past situation. Do not insist, and leave them alone. Just say Hi or wave when you see them around. I understand that hurts, but it is better that way. Time heals everything.
I agree with giving her space.
I know it's hurtful, but just because kids live next door to each other doesn't automatically mean they're going to play together. We've been dealing with this issue for a couple years now - my son used to play with the older boy two doors down all the time until that boy suddenly decided he was too big to play with my son and started turning him down all the time. The worst was when he would say "Come back in an hour and we'll play then" and when my son would come back in an hour the neighbor kid would be off somewhere else. My son has finally learned to deal with it, but it was very hard to watch for a while there. You just can't count on an automatic playdate with the neighbor kids.
You also mentioned that your neighbor is a single mom. I don't know her particular situation, but I can tell you as a single mom who works from home that I've had to turn down some playdates with kids who require a lot of supervision. I just can't juggle being all involved with a playdate and getting my work done. I have tried in the past and found it terribly overwhelming. Sometimes my patience was very stretched. At the same time I feel guilty if somebody else hosts the playdates all the time. You may need to cut the other mom some slack because you really don't know what she has going on. Sorry, it sounds like a tough situation all around.
You don't say how Boy 1 and Boy 2 are connected (is the other boy also a neighbor?) but maybe part of the problem is that the two boys are good friends and the mother doesn't want to risk having your daughter be around them together again.
I am sorry that she is ignoring your messages but it sounds like she might be feeling overwhelmed from the situation and not know how to handle it.
Sorry you went through this. I think some of the posts here are bound to be hurtful, so I don't want to you to think I'm criticizing you or your parenting choices, and I understand that the other little girl wasn't involved in what happened. However, if that means she has to be around the boys again, I think I would want to look for other, more healthy friends, preferably from families you know. Church groups or friends from school might be good places to look. It sounds like she is traumatized by what happened, (and rightfully so!) and the other mom is no longer sure of what is going to happen with them all together. Some people will get that she is different, but others won't, which might be hurtful. It's going to take your mama bear protectiveness for this one.
