How Upset Should I Be About Husband's Continual Lying About Tobacco?

He will quit when he is ready to quit, and not before, and no amount of nagging will change that.
Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that, while you know you can't make him quit, you will not kiss him as long as his mouth is nasty, and that you will not tolerate containers of slimy brown spit all over the house.

clearly this is an addiction that he's no longer able to control.
so, you get to ask yourself the old ann landers question- am i better off with or without him?
for me and my ol' man, the line in the sand is lying. we don't do it. he put up with me smoking off and on for almost 2 decades after he quit, but i never hid it (although i did, for courtesy's sake, do it outside and away from him and the kids.) he was so happy when i finally kicked it for good.
you can't make him quit. all you can do is decide how you want to respond to it. and that's totally up to you- no kissing, no sex, extreme measures vis-a-vis toothbrushing and mouthwash, or out the door. whatever will work for you.
just know that nagging (which is how it comes across) and putting him in a position to lie will only estrange you both and cause him to lie more.
addictions are awful.
more troubling to me than the tobacco is your brief mention of him treating you all badly. that's not a side effect of dipping.
khairete
S.

A friend of mine has a story about his parents from when he was a boy. One day his mother found a rather extreme pornographic magazine in their house. She got really upset at his dad and then more upset when his dad "lied" that he did not know anything about it. The parents did a good job of keeping this argument away from their son.

Turns out - the magazine belonged to my friend (their son).

So - make sure you can be certain that the tobacco actually belongs to your husband!

I once wanted my husband to stop a certain behavior and insisted he do so, so much so that it got to the point that he felt he had no other option but to lie to me to get me off his back. You see, I forgot that he is a grown man who will make his own choices and that I am not his mother. I can tell him why I wish he would not do that certain thing, the concerns I have, ect, but in the end I had to accept that I do not control him, nor do I want to. I certainly would not want him thinking he could control me.

If he has not stopped and you want him to stop lying, stop forcing him to. Stop the nagging or accusing and instead tell him why you would like him to stop and then drop it. Find ways to address the other issues such as him brushing his teeth more often and always before being intimate, ect. If and when he stops it has to be on his own terms.

are you his wife or his mother? If you are his wife, you need to tell him how you feel, tell him that you feel disappointed that he is using tobacco again.

You need to stop telling him what to do and to stop using. You are acting more like his mother, than his wife. A wife is a partner. Not a monitor.

Tell him you'd much rather him use the tobacco in the open and not hide it. Tell him you understand it's an addiction. Ask him how YOU can help him get through this.

Stop assuming he's lying. Until you have proof he's using again, you are making assumptions. Stop fighting about it. Tell him he's a man and he can make his own decisions on things that affect his health and well being. You hope he makes the right decision

I don't think you can manage his addiction or coax him into treatment if he's this deep into it.

I do think you can have reasonable standards in the home - bottles and cans full of spit, in a home where kids can see it, smell it and accidentally knock it over onto the furniture and rugs? Unacceptable. He can have ONE receptacle for his spit, and take care of throwing it away or cleaning it. Even if he wasn't spitting into them, who leaves cans and bottles around for his wife to clean up? He can clean up after himself the same way he picks up his own socks and underwear, flushes his own toilet, and puts his own dishes in the dishwasher.

I think you can have some hygiene standards for kissing and sex - both of you shower, brush teeth, etc.

I would write a letter to his physician and his dentist in which you state your concerns. They can't/won't talk to you (unless your husband has given them permission on all his medical/dental issues) but your concerns will give them a baseline for conversations, questions and possible testing when he's in there the next time for routine care or a problem in another area. It's astoundingly effective.

I think you can talk about a life insurance policy (either getting one or increasing the benefits on the existing one) since he is engaging in risky behavior that affects his life expectancy. He can deny his current use if he wants, but even as a "former tobacco user" he is at risk.

I think you can also separate out your finances a bit so that you have control over more money so he can't spend it on his habit. I don't know how much it's costing him, but if he's lying about it, there's a problem.

Please go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, any program that helps the families of addicts of any type. They will help you figure out what you can do and not do.

I would be more concerned about his anger and the way he treats the family. I suggest his addiction is part of a bigger problem. I suggest.you get couple's counseling. I would stop focusing on the chew with him. Do go to one of the support groups for families with an addict so you will learn ways to deal with him and the addiction. See a counselor to learn ways that will help you in your relationship.

Tobacco is an addiction.

Stop accusing him.
STOP making him lie to you! You may not realize it - but you are as much to blame for this. You are not helping the situation.

Are you looking for his hidden stashes or do you just happen upon them? If you happen upon them? I would say "Hey Look at this John! I found an old can of tobacco of yours. What do you want me to do with it?" This way - he's not forced to lie to you.

Addictions are hard. I'm addicted to Coca-Cola. I broke my habit for almost a year. Now? I'm back at it! URGH!! I'm back down to ONE a day - but it's a habit and it's hard to break. Have some sympathy for him!

Tell him you accept him warts and all - you want to support him. You understand quitting is hard. How can I help you? Don't criticize. Don't blame. Don't accuse. Ask him HOW you can help him beat it!! Team up with him. Support him and let him know you KNOW this is NOT easy. Stop making your marriage a confrontational marriage.

Smoking had become a problem in our house also. My husband had smoked since he was 14. I asked him to try going one day without smoking. That's all I asked. He did - and then he went a second day and so on.

We talked about how life would improve for our family if he didn't smoke. We could go on a trip with money we'd save, we'd never have to stop a movie so he could go have one, he'd feel better, he wouldn't have to go wash his face (beard) whenever he had a cigarette ..

When it was put that way, and was only asking for him to try going a day, he felt it was worth it. He also knew I believed in him. I was very supportive. It wasn't as daunting.

Christmas might not be the best time to try. I believe my husband may have been on a vacation.

He wouldn't lie about it if you weren't ASKING him about it. I think you should just TELL him how you feel. Tell him you are worried about him, sad, and frustrated with the dipping. Don't validate the invalid. If he's spinning lies, don't respond or try to refute his lies. Just ignore that. I think it's a great idea to seek out a nar-anon or al-anon type of group for support.

I know it's hard. I get it.

Be careful not to fall into the role of spending a lot of your own energy on trying to manage your husband's addiction. My suggestion is to set some parameters around his dipping. For example, he needs to brush his teeth before you're willing to kiss him, he must not leave dip cans around the house, he can't do it in front of the children, etc. In my opinion, asking him to respect those requests is totally appropriate.

He is hiding it from you because you don't like it and he knows it. He's probably hiding because he knows how you feel about it and because it's a gross habit. Unfortunately, you can't change people. You can't make people stop or cope better with their stressors. Your husband has to figure out how to manage that.

My suggestion would be to address the concerns that you have about his behavior towards you and the kids if he is angry a lot. It sounds like that is probably a good place to start.

Here's the dealio. We are all imperfect. Every single one of us. We are all a work in progress. I've had to really step back and figure out why certain things bother me and if they are really HUGE issues or things that I can step back from and think about more clearly.

He's lying because you're treating him like one of the kids. He's an adult and is quite old enough to dip or use tobacco in any way he wants. Thing is, you can choose to stay or move out over something so trivial as you don't like it. Is your relationship really that shallow?

Suggestions. He must brush his teeth and tongue before coming to bed. He must not leave containers of used spit sitting around to be spilled or to stink up the surrounding areas. He must remove them to a designated place to be dumped, rinsed/washed/tossed out, and he must not leave his tobacco out where the kids can come in contact with it.

You have to allow him to be an adult but you can put some conditions on it where you can live with it. Or you can choose to move out, get a divorce, and marry someone else that will also have habits you don't like that might actually be worse.

Is your relationship with him shallow or good or able to survive this. He shouldn't have to stop doing this because you don't like it. He is an adult.

ask if he will try the nicotene gum or patch.. show him picks of the cancers that chewing tobacco causes.. show him you care about his well being not just accusing him of lying or doing it.. leave hints about better ways to get over it.